The Learning Curve

Today I went with my co-worker to one of his interviews because he doesn’t have a car and I decided to wait outside in the car and make some phone calls while he does his thing because I’m not really interested in meeting another damn rapper…especially one who has a song out called My.space freak. What is that all about?

I sat outside in the car and did my thing, listened to Kanye, prayed and went over my short term goals.

After a while I got out to stretch and I saw that he and the two young men were done with lunch and were taking photographs in their truck. I just stood by and spoke a little with the publicist while he finished up the shoot. The rappers came over to introduce themselves and I smiled politely.

I stuck out my hand for a shake and the first rapper says, “Hey, I know you.”

I rolled my eyes and brushed him off saying, “No you don’t.” I quickly moved on to introduce myself to the next rapper. Then the first one said, “Yes I do,” and I look at him like, WHATEVER! I never go out.

“I saw you at the Billboard Awards,” he continued. “I performed that night and I remember seeing you on the red carpet.”

“Oh,”I say and blush. “Whoa. Sorry…I don’t go out much so I don’t know many people.”

He smiled and said, “But, I saw you. I remember those eyes.”

My co worker said I was rude to him. “Why do you downplay yourself like that shawty?” he asked me. “You’re a star.”

I felt so bad. I just didn’t think any rapper guy would know who I was and I forgot that I went to that event, but I didn’t even meet anyone that night so…

I have to work on my people skills.

I have so much to work on.

Everyday all I can think about is how I need to become better. Better at my writing. Better in my management style. Better at making decisions without having to get a general consensus from my friends. Better at whatever it is that makes men run away from me.

I tried an experiment the other night. I’ve been going crazy these days with my desire to improve myself and be better in my general life. I feel like I’m not THERE yet and I just want to be this supertight, supersmart, super successful, supersupportive friend and manager but I fall short.

It’s kinda rough because I’m already extremely critical of myself and my publisher pushes me so hard. I appreciate it but everyday we meet and he tries to drill in me the characteristics I need to develop to become a successful editor.

Do you watch BET?
Do you know who’s hot?
Do you read the New York Times daily?
Do you read USA today?
Have you read the top 5 books on the national bestseller’s list?
Are you current on AA politics?
How many magazine subscriptions do you have?
Are you aware of the stance of the Black political leaders across the country?
How many Black NFL coaches are there?
Do you know who Unk is?
What about technology? What are the current trends?
Who’s HOT????
Who should be on our next cover?

I’m usually sitting there like, “Oh my gosh I am sooo dumb!”

I don’t know.

I want to know. I’m trying to know but…I don’t know right now. I can’t help to lead my team of writers if I don’t know all of this stuff.

And I really don’t know where I am mentally right now. I feel like I’m all messed up. Oh, back to the experiment.

So I hung out with a guy friend who isn’t cool enough to give a name so I won’t, but anyway..he and I were hanging out and I get the feeling that he wants to sleep with me. Me being me, well..I decided to give him a little encouragement to try me. I just wanted to see if I was capable of responding and maybe releasing some of this tension.

When he scooted next to me I didn’t move away. So he touched my arm and I froze. He kissed my arm and I started to shiver. By the time he was planting tiny kisses on my neck I started crying. I didn’t want him to touch me.

The whole time I’m crying and asking myself, “Am I gay?” I don’t get it. I just…I just don’t mesh well with men. I don’t understand. I have been feigning for affection and here it is and I don’t like it. I don’t have any real life male friends. The male friends I have are only through the internet.

Any of the ones that I have met in person have automatically stopped speaking to me after our meeting and the guy friends I had in college are all close friends with my baby daddy so..we can’t be friends anymore.

I don’t know.

I’m just kinda tired of not being good enough.

Yeah…I’m having a rough week.

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