I got it!
I finally figured it out. This research paper didn’t get the best of me. I finished it tonight. And I enjoyed it. All I did was relax and then..I told the story of what I learned and what researchers I learned it from.
That’s it.
I didn’t get any sleep last night worrying about finishing this paper. The last time I noticed the time it was 6:30am. I guess I fell asleep after that. When I woke up I was feeling so drained. I went to campus anyway and headed for the library to speak to the librarian who was so sweet and so patient with me as she taught me, once again, to use the search engines for journals.
On my way to the computer lab I saw a big truck with a sign that read: HIV Test Results in 20 minutes. I knocked on the door and stepped inside. 20 minutes later I walked out with a big bag of condoms and my paperwork to add to the other paperwork from previous years that proves I don’t have the virus that causes AIDS.
You ever asked a man to show you his paperwork? I have. They don’t mind giving it to you. At least none that I’ve encountered. I’ve taken HIV tests with about 3 0r 4 different men over the last 10 years, regardless of whether we are having unprotected secks or not. If they don’t have their paperwork, I suggest we get tested together. If they don’t want to get tested, I’ll stop doing it with them. They always get tested after I tell them that.
I also went to see my new therapist today. Don’t laugh. I changed because I wasn’t too comfortable with the other one. The new therapist is a man, a white man at that and he’s pretty young. He’s personable and methodic. He took me through my assessment with ease and then set goals for our sessions, informing me that he will teach me techniques for relaxing and dealing with anxiety as well as work through the fears I have of men.
He asked me about my relationships with men and I told him about my one night stand policy. He asked about the last time I did this and I told him about this past weekend. As I was talking he looked at me funny and I paused.
“You’re telling me that you are never going to speak to him again,” he said. “But at the same time, ever since we brought him up you’ve been smiling from ear to ear. Why is that?”
I laughed. “Cuz he was sooooo good! He knew what he was doing and I’m still floating off of that experience.”
“Why won’t you see him again?”
“Cuz I know he’s not what I want.”
“How?”
“Because we went to lunch and this guy walks by and he actually laughed at the man’s pants. I don’t like that. I don’t think making fun of people is fun at all. Who cares what someone else wears? How does that affect me or him? And…I figure if he criticizes others then eventually he’ll get around to criticizing me and I’m not going to let that happen.”
“Well, would you consider that sometimes people do things outside of their character every once in a while? I mean…some people who don’t usually curse may just say a curse word and if you heard them would you think they did it all the time?”
“Huh?”
“Sometimes you have to wait and get the whole picture. What if that was just a one time thing for him and you dismissed him for no reason?”
“Wow. Never considered that.”
“Do you date other men?”
“No, but I do have an imaginary boyfriend,” I told him.
I’m sorry—I LOVE telling people that just to see their reaction!
“You do? Ummm..When did he come into the picture and why?”
“We met this year. All of my friends are in romantic relationships and I’m the only one that’s not so I made him up. It’s been fun too! We do lots of things together.”
“But do you think you’ll actually meet a man like that?”
“I could.”
“But how? He’s perfect. No one’s perfect.”
“Oh Steve is NOT perfect. He has flaws. I’m not sure what they are yet but I’ll think of some and I’ll have to figure out if or how I’ll deal with them.”
“Well, how about if you hear him criticize someone? Would you break up with him even though he has lots of other great qualities?”
“No. I don’t think so. I’d tell him to not to do it again though.”
I left his office wearing a smile. I bet that man thinks I’m nuts! LOL!
I’m taking notes of how he is treating me. I like the way he greets me with a smile and his eyes smile when he speaks to me. The other lady was grumpy. I’ll remember when I have my own clients, I should always greet them with love. He made me take a written assessment of my emotions and he says I’ll take more as time goes on to gauge my progress. I like that.
Tamara called me to check up on my progress with my paper and I told her that I was all done and the topic of Gender Identity Disorder wasn’t so disgusting to me anymore.
“Now I can see why there are cross dressers and transsexuals. I used to think it was sick and perverted and demonic but now I don’t. They are people who feel like they are trapped in a body that they don’t belong in.”
Tamara was soooo not feeling me. She has always had a hang up about homosexuals. She even told me once that if I turned out to be a lesbian we couldn’t be friends anymore. Now she says, we could still be friends but she wouldn’t want to hear about my relationship.
“So you’re telling me that if after all this time and heartache i found someone that truly loved me and cared about me, you wouldn’t want to know?”
“I’d want to know if you’re okay and if everything was going fine but I wouldn’t want the details. I just hate picturing that Tee. I’m not okay with that.”
Well I wasn’t okay with it either, until I took this class. I don’t believe I have a right to tell someone how they should live their life. That’s between them and the God they serve. I’m not in a position to judge.