Another awesome night at work last night. I’m not sure why I love working by myself so much. It’s harder because all the tables are my responsibility, but since I’m not the type of server to ask for help from other servers it’s not that much of a difference. I didn’t meet anyone that interesting but I was about to cry because this one lady had me standing there literally for like 15 minutes going through her to-go order and changing things and giving her more of this and that and she didn’t even tip me at ALL when I had a table there waiting for me to give them their drinks.
That really BURNED. I was literally about to cry right in front of her. But I held it together and shook off my pain.
~sigh~ I love my job. Most servers have regular customers but I don’t yet. I’m not a chatty person, sharing intimate stories about my life with the customers so I guess I’m not memorable like that but there are some people who come in every single day that I really love to see. It makes me feel good when they are there ordering the same thing day in and day out. I made even MORE money last night than the other night I worked by myself. GEEPERS! If you ever think, “Aww, she’s a waitress, she’s broke” when you meet a waitress- slap yourself because servers at good restaurants make GREAT money and even at my restaurant where people are used to tipping small, we can still make a significant contribution to our families with this job.
Anyway, I’m at my wits end. I feel so badly about this 10 year anniversary of being single. I’m not mad that I’m single- better for me to be single than in a relationship and constantly complaining. I hate when people complain about their mates- unless it’s funny! Then I love to laugh! Like one guy complained about his boyfriend and he was like, “Oh God! Now he’s advertising our fight on facebook.” And I just imagined how emotional his boyfriend was being about writing it on facebook and it made me LAUGH! LOL
Anyway, I don’t know what to do to use my 10 year anniversary to help women. Like, when I sit down to think about it I have SOME good ideas on lessons that may help people but my own pain over never being treated like a woman should be treated surfaces and I just, get mad and I can’t create anything.
This morning I cried. I allowed it and didn’t feel bad about it. I never cry over being single because the bullshit that’s out there isn’t worth crying over but just thinking about the couple I went on a date with this weekend and how much he adores her and supports her and considers her his bestfriend- I think it got to me. What does she have that I don’t?
I hear, “You’re beautiful” so much but no one ever likes me as a person. The Older Man picked me up from work this morning to give me a ride home. He told me he had the entire day off and would be looking for Miami Carnival parties so he can look at women. Not once did he even think to say, “Would you like to go out to lunch when you wake up?” or “Can I spend the morning with you until you fall asleep?” or even “You wanna go check out women with me?”
I was hurt.
“Why don’t you ever want to spend time with me?” I asked him frankly.
“I will,” he said, before he drove away.
I walked into the house feeling like the most stupid, disgusting person ever. Like, NO ONE, FOR REAL, likes to be around me for fun. For real? He’ll show up if I need help, but outside of that I don’t hear from him at all.
I know you’re probably laughing and it’s making you smile to laugh at my misery but that’s okay. Nothing ever stays the same. It’s just, I really want to do something creative with this pain that will benefit women but the pain of watching other women be treated better than me when I KNOW I’m an awesome person and anyone would be blessed to be my friend- well, it’s blocking my ability to be able to create.
I’m sorry. I guess I have to figure out how to fix this too.