Author: TPatterson

Let Me Handle My Business-Damn! –Jay-Z

I woke up to the sound of my phone chiming. It was Kim texting me at 5am.

Bitch, I’m sleep.

Damn. Now you woke me up.

The dueling thoughts from the previous night came flooding back.

Do I want to stay in Houston? The drama. The trauma.

Hmmm…..My spirit is saying….

Fuck that. I’m here now. Might as well see what’s shaking.

I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Like Kenya loves to say, “It’s equally likely that you will have tremendous success or failure. Just do it.”

That’s right! It’s equally likely.

So I’m gonna believe that I can fly.

I hop out of bed with a smile.

LET’s GET IT!!!

Ok, so the plan for today is…. food..housing…income….Work it.Today I will go into town to one of the most popular restaurants and apply for a job as a waitress. I saw their HIRING sign and it would place me in direct contact with the Black business leaders and cool people in this community. Plus, if I work it right, I can get connected AND use my looks and charm, I mean, customer service skills to get me some damn extra money to cover these bills.After that I’ll find a food stamp office and get my application on. FOOD STAMPS!!! ~shake that thang~Now for housing? Hmm….I do have an option or two so I’ll check those out and see which one is the best fit. All I have to say is…my Houston readers are showing me so much LOVE!!! They’re sending me tips, contacts and leads…It’s wild how the internet connects, heals and empowers in such a grand way. They are empowering me to prosper and in turn, sharing in my dream and I am so grateful.I hop into the shower and go to the trunk of my car to get some nicer clothes than the few outfits I have been recycling over and over again. I choose a pair of simple gray slacks and a black sweater. I’ll wear my hat and glasses to finish off the look.I mapquest the directions to the restaurant and email them to myself. I ask Nancy about a foodstamp office and she gives me directions to one in a nearby city.I eat a quick bowl of cereal, give Junior a tickle and I’m out the door. As soon as I start my car I begin to feel better. Come on…You know what did the trick…It’s my baby Kanye. Through all the traveling. All the hopes. All the failures and all the thrills. The city may change, the dude in my life may change but one thing that hasn’t changed is the CD I play when I’m on the road. LATE REGISTRATION.~sigh~It inspires me.I reverse my ride and turn up the volume. My finger absently pushes the button on the CD player. I need some #3. My body relaxes as he sings to me, “You’re gonna touch the sky BABYGIRL!”I need to hear that Kanye. You’re great.Then I fast forward to the next cut I need to hear as I zoom on the expressway. #13. I’m vibing to my baby’s voice until he says those magical words:People askin’ me is I’m gon’ give my chain back (uh). Aww shit! WHen you hear this, you KNOW Jay-Z is about to come thru with some SERIOUS INSPIRATION! At this point I press my foot on the gas and turn the speakers all the way up.Here’s motivation JAY-Z style!Yep! I got it from here ‘ye damn!The chain remains, the game is intact, the name is mine I’ll take blame for that. The pressure’s on, but guess who ain’t gon’ crack? Ha, ha…Pardon me I had to laugh at that. How could you falter when you’re the rock of gibralter? I had to get of the boat so I could walk on water. This ain’t no tall order, this is nothin to me. Difficult takes a day, impossible takes a week. I do this in my sleep, I sold Kilos of coke, so… I’m guessin’ I can sell CD’s. I’m not a businessman I’m a BUSINESS– man! Let me handle my business, damn!I listen to this verse at least five times in a row. The first time I hear it I’m proclaiming it for my life. The 2nd time I hear it I’m crying. The third, fourth and fifth times I hear it I’m banging on the steering wheel and feeling invincible!I’m on I10 going east, then I hop on I610South, then 59 North toward Downtown. I know I’m headed somewhere near Montrose but I don’t know exactly where. The mapquest directions are messed up. Wow. I’m not afraid to get lost anymore. No more crying on the side of the road. I just…do what I have to do to figure it out. Being in Atlanta prepared me well for this.I pull over and pull up the map on my sidekick. Um…I don’t know what I’m looking at. I call my little sister who is at work in Miami. “Teenie, can you give me directions to this restaurant?”A minute later she tells me, “You’re close. You’re 5 minutes away.”I find the restaurant and walk confidently up to the door where there’s a fine looking black man in a very nice winter coat holding the door open. The line is long and the place is bustling. I walk up to the front counter and ask for an application. The young lady hands me a paper and I sit down to fill it out. When I’m done I survey the crowd. Damn…I guess all the Black people in Houston are…right here in this restaurant. Nice looking men too.Non DL brotha looking men too!Damn! Yummm… But not really. I mean, they are after all…men.I hand in the application and head out quickly. I have directions to a foodstamp office in Katy but since I’m downtown it might be a good idea to find an office down here and wait it out until the end of the work day.I find the little internet cafe that Ruby and I found when she was here and I walk in and plug up my laptop. A few clicks later I’m scribbling directions in my notebook and packing everything up. Too bad that I got lost and gave up on finding the damn office. I called Nancy and she helped guide me back home by taking Halcombe and jumping on 610. When I get there I go to my room to return emails and when I’m done I go downstairs to play with the kids while she cleans. We play every game I can think of. Well, every game that is not physically demanding. These kids want to play hide n seek. I’m like, “No.” They want to play tag. I’m like, “No.” But I do read them a story. Teach them how to do the snap dance and I even have little Christina doing the Heizman on that hoe. We bake a cake for their mom’s birthday.We watch TV. I do a few loads of laundry in the meantime and then Nancy brings out Christina’s play makeup which both kids decide they want to apply all over my face. So I’m sitting there feeling like Celie in the Color Purple when she noticed, “A storms coming” but I laugh because this is an interesting experience and I have to embrace it for what it is.The pizza man arrives and we chow down on Pepperoni pizza and then I load the dishwasher and clean the counter tops and their Dad comes home. It’s 8:00. I’m off. I slip off to my room and close the door.Ahhh.. Time to rest.I want to talk to Tamara but I know she’s busy.She’s always busy. I called her the other day at work and we only spoke for 10 minutes before she said, “Girl, that’s AJ on the other line I have to go.”I was so upset. Who is AJ? I don’t care if they are getting married this year! ~rolling eyes~ She just met him! I want to talk to my friend. I don’t know what to do about JB. I don’t know what to think. I think he wants me to be his girlfriend. Well. I know he does. I don’t know how to handle that. I haven’t heard anything like that in forever. I need to talk to Tamara so we can figure out what’s happening. She always knows the right thing to do. We usually figure stuff out together. But she’s busy. Cuz she has her own life and I’m not priority anymore. I’m feeling jealous and hurt and insignificant. Everybody is living there own life. I have to live mine too. People call me stubborn and unrealistic but at the end of the day, everyone who has an opinion about a decision I make, will go to their crib, close the door and won’t be thinking about me.I have to live for ME.You have to live for YOU.Don’t allow others to make your decisions. Be fearless. Trust yourself. Be bold and make a move.And if you have a man, do a good deed…call your friends and say Hi. They miss you.

Still Adjusting

I don’t know what it is about the twi-lighthours that seem to cast a depressing shadow over your life.

Have you ever been fine all day but as soon as you turn off the light you can’t fall asleep and you find yourself watching the digital clock as the minutes creep slowly through the early morning hours?

That’s me right now.

But my new boyfriend is here; my laptop. We sleep together every night. He sings me to sleep. Thank God it’s not a DELL. My desktop used to make me cringe everytime I sat down since I named that DL guy’s character after my computer. ~yuck~ I have a Gateway now.

That’s fitting. I am walking through the gateway. I AM the gateway. ~smile~ I’m dramatic.

~sigh~

I miss my sons.

Today I took Nancy’s kids to Chuckie Cheese to play. I felt like a nanny following behind them, passing tokens and kissing boo boo’s when they got hurt.

I used to do that for my own kids, when I had the money.

I used to take care of them.

I used to dance with them and cook for them and play hide n seek with them.

We used to sleep together at night and sometimes they’d pee on me but I didn’t care because they are my boys.

My boys… They are well. Everytime I talk to them they are laughing and their Daddy’s girlfriend is bringing them a treat.

“We gotta go, Mama. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight Boo Boo.”

Click.

Shake that shit off girl… You can do this.

It’s funny cuz I feel like I’m constantly shaking off some kind of pain. I guess we all are.

That is what seperates the winners from the downtrodden; the ability to move past failures and work toward a better today.

I am so blessed. My boys are well taken care of and so am I.

Since I didn’t have Tamara to bounce ideas off of, I decided to cut things off with JB. It was getting to be a bit much. In a minute I would have been writing, “Maybe all men aren’t so bad.” But I know that isn’t the truth and I can’t allow him to get too close because I know what he is capable of. I’ve been there. I’ve seen. I’ve tasted.

I started a fight with him so that I could tell him to get the hell away. It worked.

Relieved?

No. Hurt mostly. I kinda liked him as a person.

Kinda…

Now it’s time to get to business.

Sunday Morning Blues

I am so hurt.

On the way from Chuckie Cheese my phone rang and it was a Miami number that I didn’t recognize. I sent it to voice mail. It called again. I sent it to voice mail again, assuming that it was some random dude from my past. When it called back a third time I had to answer just to tell the person, “I’m busy.”

It was my sister.

“Why are you not answering my call?” she asked.

“Why are you calling from some weird number?”

“Because Danny [her husband] took my phone.”

“Why?”

“He said he’s leaving me. He poured baby oil all over our wedding pictures, tore up our marriage certificate and went in my purse and broke all of my credit cards, stole my phone and said he was leaving me by the end of the week.”

My body went numb.

I knew they had been having issues. She shared some of them with me. He had said he didn’t want to be married anymore. He didn’t want to go to church anymore. He wanted to hang out with his friends and do his own thing.

The problem is; my sister put up with a lot of shit from this man. She took care of him. She fed and clothed him. Encouraged him. She paid for the wedding by herself. She went against everyone who knows her because we ALL told her that he was an immature free loader but she said she was his friend and she loved him unconditionally. Now look at this.

And I have two friends getting married this year.

How sad for them.

Sometimes I think women need to wake up and realize that having a man by your side is not what completes you. Tamara challenged me before I left Atlanta, “Give me ONE example of a man who does right. ONE! If you do that I will believe that there could be a man who could contribute positivity into my life.”

I couldn’t.

She couldn’t.

I woke up with my sister on my mind. Then I thought about Mimi who went through the same thing.

Then I thought about how I’m glad I told JB never to call me again.

He’ll never reel me in like those guys did to my friends.

He’ll never hurt me like that.

Never.

I kinda liked him though.

I am so hurt.

Deep Breaths

After all of that drama my sister says that she will take him back when he is ready to come home. Her church family advises forgiveness. ~raises eyebrow~

I guess…

I had to shake off the bad vibes from my conversation with my sister and move forward with my plans for the day. Since I had the interview with the restaurant on Monday morning I decided that Sunday would be my last day living with Nancy. Although my official last day as a nanny was supposed to be on Monday I decided to spend Sunday afternoon exploring downtown Houston and spend the night at the hostel once so I wouldn’t have to travel so far to get to my 8:30 am interview.

I got dressed and told Nancy I would be leaving. As I packed my clothes back into my car I slowed my pace in amazement of the life I am now living. It’s been 6 months since I left Miami on my way to Atlanta to see if things would work out. They did work out, I had a great time, had fun with my friends and worked for a company that I loved doing what I always wanted to do working at a magazine.

Then that opportunity ended and I decided to craft my vision for my non profit and go for it by moving to Houston on a prayer. All of my prayers have been answered so far. What does that scripture say? Exceedingly and abundantly above all that you could ever ask or hope for. Well, that’s how I feel right now. I feel God’s hand over my life and He has touched so many hearts that have become joined to my vision for my life and want to be a part of it by encouraging and supporting me.

I walked back into Nancy’s five bedroom split level home in beautiful Cinco Ranch and found Nancy standing at the door holding her 2 year old son, Junior in her arms. His face was buried in her neck.

“What’s up Boo Boo?” I asked him.

“He was crying because he thought you had left without him giving you the picture he drew for you.”

Junior climbs down and walks over to me. I kneel and ruffle his blonde curls. “Why are you acting like that?” I ask him softly. “I’m not going far. Just down the way. I’ll be back to play with you.”

He smiles at gives me a hug and we walk into the kitchen where his big sister Christina is drawing at the kitchen table. “This is for you,” she says sweetly and hands me a picture of a heart with her name on it.

I sit down with them and select a crayon. I draw a house as best as I can and put all of our names on it. Christina stands on her chair and gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I reach over and tickle Junior who smiles and runs behind his Mom’s leg.

I look back one last time before I close the door. Both children are watching me leave, their blue eyes brimming with tears. I shake my head and move on.

What an experience.

I say a prayer before I start my car. Only God knows what is going to happen to me next. I start out toward the hostel in the Museum District. When I get there, the front desk is closed so I can’t check in. I sit outside and chat on the phone for a while, enjoying the beautiful Texas weather.

“Wow, I’m a lady of leisure,” I thought to myself as I soaked in the sun and decided that I’d hit up the internet cafe for a couple of hours to surf the net and chat a bit. The cafe wasn’t full when I got there so i quickly grabbed a table in the corner, ordered some buffalo wings and blue cheese and connected to the wi- fi.

A quick glance at the time on my monitor made me wince. I had one hour and a hald to find the directions to a dance club called The Wild Wild West on Richmond. One of my Houston readers invited me and I wanted to show my face. He informed me that they would have dance lessons AND a dinner buffet all for $3 on Sunday evening. That’s what’s up!

Once I got the directions I decided to change my clothes so I went to my trunk, pulled out an extra set of clothes and took my makeup box, clothes and bathroom caddy into the restroom at the internet cafe. I spread my items out on the sink base and I transformed myself just as if I was at home.

I walked out looking great and feeling like I’m the star in a grand adventure. Who washes up and gets dressed in a public restroom? WORLD ADVENTURERS DO!

I gave myself plenty of time to get lost but I found the place rather quickly so I sat in the parking lot and talked to Ruby until I noticed other people driving up.

Once inside I couldn’t believe my eyes. This was an older crowd of dancers, all eager to get their swirl on. I didn’t know exactly what kind of dancing I was going to be doing but from the looks of the cowboy boots and flaring skirts that the women wore, I assumed it was goingt o be square dancing. I shook my head in amazement as everyone walked out onto the dance floor. I had to be the youngest person there. And I was the only Black person in the entire club.

The dance instructor introduced himself and his co instructor. “Tonight we’re going to introduce you to the Night Club Two Step,” he announced.

The what?

For the next hour and a half all 50 of us twirled around the dance floor. Slow, quick, quick, slow…

Everyone formed a circle around the instructors in the middle and every 5 minutes we were told, “Ladies move to your right.” So all of the ladies had to rotate partners.

“Hi, I’m Ms. Tee,” I introduced myself to a middle aged white man with a goatee.

“Hi, I’m Dan.”

“Hi, I’m Ms. Tee,” I had to say again, every five minutes.

“Hi, I’m John. Nice to meet you.”

I laughed and I danced. My legs hurt after all of that twirling and counting.

By the time we were done and they actually played music I was too pooped to participate. I sat on the sidelines waiting for the buffet to start. And it was GOOD! They had fajitas and something called Frito Casserole or something like that. It had fritos and beans and rice in it. I didn’t like it. I don’t like beans and rice.

I mingled for a while as I was introduced to all of the reader’s friends. After that I headed back to the hostel, checked in and ironed my pants for the next day.

I settled down for a great night’s rest after calling JB and telling him I was sorry for taking out my frustrations with men on him.

He didn’t say much, but he forgave me and I’m glad. I appreciate him for seeing through my meanness and understanding my issue with men. He’s patient with me and I love that. I think I’ll keep him around. He calls me MEANY. I call him BUFFOON because of the stark contrast of his personality to the one I witnessed when we worked together. He was all about business then, now…he’s such a joker that I don’t even know how to take it.

After chatting with him on the porch of the hostel, I plugged in my cell phone and went to sleep. Mmmm… The hostel’s bottom bunk was so warm and comfy. This time, the hostel was filled with students from China who were in town to explore the Space Center. The bathroom was filled with all kinds of products with foreign symbols and names. I touched a tube of toothpaste and tried to read it. There’s a whole other world out there you guys. The United States is only ONE country in a vast array of land masses and there is an array of cultures and customs that we have no clue about. I’d love to see more of them.

The next morning I woke up at 5am and couldn’t go back to sleep so I called Kim. She and I hadn’t had a chance to really talk in a minute so we enjoyed each other’s company through the phone lines until people started waking up and I decided to get a quick shower before the line started.

I showered and dressed, once again, in my purple turtle neck sweater. I love that sweater! I wear it at least 4 times a week! LOL! It’s comfy and it’s warm and I look great in it so…

I overestimated the time it would take for me to get to the restaurant. I was actually an hour early for my interview.~smile~ Talk about krunk!

I sat in my car and read my Prayer of Jabez devotional. I hadn’t picked up that book in a while but while rummaging through my things I spotted it and wanted to refresh my memory on it’s principle. The thing that stood out to me was the 2nd half of the prayer.

Lavish Living

After my interview I headed back over to the hostel to take a quick nap before moving into my new place.

How in the world did you find a place to live with no money?

You-Know-Who did it.

And it’s beautiful.

I’m living right in the middle of the 3rd ward which is also known as the Museum District. This place is chock full of amazing architecture and artsy people. I have the first floor of a tri-level townhome to myself.

How much did it cost to move in?

Zero.

How much am I paying a month?

Zero.

Nawww.. Just playin..

I met a college professor who usually rents out the extra bedroom in his home. He has a student who is coming in from China at the end of February and he offered the place to me for $10 a day until mid February. The best part is; I don’t have to pay him anything until I get settled. He offered me a deferred payment plan that spans 6 months.

“I make it my mission to be kind to this earth,” he explained as he walked me through his immaculate home. Dude’s townhome is OFF THE HEEZY!

It’s hands down, the most beautiful place I have EVER lived! I believe God is giving me a preview of what is to come because even though I have no income and no friends in this city yet, everytime I move my standard of living gets better and better. How else could I have $10 in my account and STILL live in luxury like this?!!

You gotta know God has blessed this venture.

The only drawback is that through some funny kind of wiring, my cell phone doesn’t receive a signal when I’m inside the house. Last night was my first night here and I almost cried. I felt like a prisoner because I couldn’t talk on the phone but I slept so well. My room is beautifully decorated, fully furnished (no more sleeping on the floor like I did in the condo in Atlanta) and the man is so nice and smart.

As I surveyed the books on his massive bookshelf I spotted one title that made me laugh; THE EVIL THAT MEN DO. LOL!

I smirked. It turns out that this professor is a former FBI agent and he teaches courses on Criminal Psychology.

Today I was talking to JB about the fact that I can’t use the phone inside the house and how much it bothers me.

“Don’t complain,” he warned me.

“I’m not complaining,” I responded hotly. “I just NEED to talk. I’m lonely.”

“Yeah but…don’t you think there may be a reason the Universe has you in this place of all places? You are in a place where you can’t use the phone. Maybe God wants to speak to you. Maybe it’s time to spend time with yourself and focus on you.”

“Maybe you should download messenger,” I replied slyly.

“I don’t chat…I’m a man,” he says in a deep gruff voice.

I laugh. I love it when he talks like that.

Maybe God is trying to tell me something. Well, I’ll surely be able to hear him clearly with no access to a phone during my few weeks here.

Today I woke up early and jetted out to the foodstamp office and got lost 3 times but I didn’t even cry. My application was not accepted saying that I had a case open in another state. Who? I have to call and see what’s going on.

I’m starting to know where things are in Houston. The streets all have names instead of numbers but when I drive I’m not driving at leisure, I’m looking HARD at everything around me so I will become familiar with the names and so far…man…I am so proud of myself. I’m doing a great job navigating this city alone.

I can’t wait to make some friends though.

I met a couple of women on the internet and I plan to go to church with one this Saturday. I hope she’s nice. She seems to be.

I’m hopeful right now because…well…how can I not be when God has brought me this far?

I’m certain He will take me the rest of the way.

I See White People

Understand who I am and where I’m from.

Consider my issues with racism and the fact that I have not really had many good experiences with white people.

I believe God wants to break that.

How else could he give me a friend like Ryan, who knows all about my issues with race relations and STILL calls me a friend and supports me?

Then, how could I come to Houston to live in a white household and feel perfectly comfortable? In fact, Nancy and I still communicate and I know that eventually I’ll stop by to hang out with her and the kids. How could a white family open up their home and embrace me like that and even more wild is how could I accept the offer?

Wow.

I prayed for healing and now I’m walking it out.

Eastside walk it out.

Westside walk it out.

I’m now living with a white professor. A white MAN!

And he’s nice to me. Today he bought me a book he found about Houston. “It’s no big deal,” he said and smiled as he rushed back up the stairs.

I smiled at his retreating figure. God will use anyone to bless you.

Thanks God…

Every night before I go to bed I plan out my goals for the next day.

I’m in the midst of researching publications in Houston to start pitching myself as a freelance journalist in order to generate income. I’ve even contacted national publications to tell them about my journey and my leap of faith in hopes that I can write a column for their magazines or newspapers to help inspire others with my boldness/craziness.

I’m putting all my cards on this adventure. It HAS to work out. There’s no way it can’t. Kenya said to me the other day, “Girl, if you look at all of the qualities that those successful people have and made a checklist, you could pretty much check off the entire list based on your life.

Sacrifice? Check.

Undeniable talent? Check.

Vision and drive? Check.

Willing to struggle for the cause? Check.

When she said that it reminded me of my baby Kanye.

I feel like I’m his little sister, following in his footsteps.

So far..no one is interested in allowing me to tell my story in their publication. No one is feeling me. No one is giving me a shot. But just like my baby Kanye…I won’t give up. All I need is ONE person to believe in me. ONE person to give me a shot. I know I have what it takes to be a world class inspiration leader and I will.

I will use my gift to inspire the masses. I will be able to use my gift to take care of myself and my family one day.

I will stop putting so much pressure on myself to do it all RIGHT NOW.

I just feel like what’s the point of waiting?

I’m going for it RIGHT NOW.

Well, not RIGHT NOW cuz RIGHT NOW I’m about to go to bed.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll go for it!

And if it doesn’t happen then…

I’ll wake up and try again.

And again…

Until my end…

Amen.

I’m Lost Without You

I love that song by Robin Thicke. Have you heard it? Listen….

Robin Thicke – Lost Without You

It is truly a love song. The kind of song that you listen to when you can’t be with your lover but you still want to feel connected.

Imagine me and you in between soft, warm sheets, his smooth voice speaking the words from our hearts, our souls uniting without any verbal communication. I feel you. I’m feeling you.

I appreciate you in ways that are incomprehensive to the natural realm. You excite me, you inspire me, you challenge me. You’ve changed me.

Thank you for the gift of you. For all of those nights when I was afraid to admit I am afraid. You knew what I was really feeling and you spoke the true language of my heart, affirmed me and supported me unlike any other. I’m trying to keep this PG, because for you my love flows so freely and this could easily, turn out to be a platform to relay my intense desire to express my admiration physically. Miles and miles away, as day turns to night and night turns to day. I never feel like you are too far away, because like you say, even when we aren’t speaking, we’re still communicating, still speaking, still sharing, still reaching– for each other.

Your friendship means so much to me. Knowing that no matter what you are there for me. I want you to love me. And yes, I know you do. I also want you to enjoy me. All the rest were just…practice…until I met you.

Whether I get scared and push you away, or even if I conquer my fears and allow you a permanent space, I’d just like to say, today, you are a gift from God to me. Thank you for seeing me in the way I was meant to be seen.

It took a while for someone to recognize the magic in me. Or maybe they always saw but were too afraid to be overwhelmed by that light. Regardless I, smile when I, think of you.

I’m lost without you.
Can’t help myself.
How does it feel, to know that I love you baby?

What a beautiful feeling.

I’m The T-Lady

JB gets on my damn nerves!

He’s so damn rational and that really pisses me off sometimes. Dude, take a RISK! He’s so damn stable. I don’t see how we have anything in common, except for the fact that we both LOVE writing.

And he’s so fine…

The other night I was talking on the phone with him and he goes, “Remember that night we went out to Sugar Hill? Remember when we were leaving and we passed that big guy on the stairs?”

“Yeah.” I replied absently while sitting in my car so I can get a signal.

“Do you know who that was?”

I sighed. “Who?”

“That was Bonecrusher. The rapper.”

“Yay..” ~yawn~

“He spoke to us. Did you hear what he said?”

“No,” I asked, suddenly intrigued.

“You don’t ever hear what anyone says! Geesh! He said, ‘Ya’ll make a nice couple.’ “

“For real?”

“Yeah. That’s what he said.”

“Did you respond?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I was trying to decide if I should ask for his contact information or not. You know, being that I was about to start my new job as a music editor and all. I figured it would be a good idea to get his information.”

“Why didn’t you?” I asked incredulously.

“Cuz I was so into your stank ass!”

“You crazy. I ain’t going nowhere. You should have gotten your story. Next time GET YOUR STORY!”

“Man…can’t win with you. But isn’t that interesting? How many people can say that a celebrity complimented them? Most celebrities that I have met are way too into themselves.”

“You would know. You’re the one whose met them all.”

*****************************

Today I woke up feeling better than I did when I went to bed.

I was watching this show called Scrubs with the Professor last night and at the end, the Hispanic (?) Black (?) chick found out she was pregnant and everyone was so happy!

“A little bit of you,” she said to her man, the guy who played on Clueless.

“And a lot of you,” he whispered back as they embraced.

I couldn’t help it… I…. I….bawled!

I couldn’t stop crying…

~whining through my tears~ They’re gonna be so happy…Kids are so much of a blessing and if you have kids…enjoy them… This is so hard. So hard. I’m so lonely. I want my kids. I can’t even use my phone. I can’t talk to my friends. I don’t have them as a crutch. JB is always there but he won’t let me whine and act like a baby. He tells me to get over it. He wants me to be tough. He reminds me that I’m in Houston by choice.

I am.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t hurt. ~crying~ I wanna kick it with Tamara. I wanna see my friend while she’s pregnant. She probably gonna forget about me. I want Mimi. I want a hug. I want Kim. I want Ruby to come and help me figure this out. Where’s Ruby? ~still crying~

So I went to sleep crying and looking at JB’s picture on Myspace. He’s so damn difficult. I wish he would just act like I tell him to act. He’s so resistant. But he’s so fine. And secretly I appreciate the voice of reason in my ear although I know he’s probably against everything I’m doing. But he doesn’t scold me. He says he appreciates the difference in our thought processes.

I’m glad.

I need a job… I feel like this is deja vu. I feel like I’m back in Miami again. Struggling. Only I’m not struggling as much.

So I woke up and stretched all of the grief from the night before away. Today I will not stress myself. I will continue to introduce myself to editors and pitch my column across the country to any publication I can find. I will apply for more jobs in person. I will get my car detailed and find a barber to get a haircut.

So off I went to get my haircut. A chick I met at the Breakfast Klub recommended this dude in the 3rd ward and he’s actually very close to where I live. 5 minutes away.

I stepped up in the spot and smiled. I love going to Barber shops. They are always full of men clowning and I love to clown right with them.

“Hi, I’m Ms. Tee,” I announced confidently as I walked in, looking every man in the eye. “RaRa from the Breakfast Klub sent me your way.”

“Ok, Ms. Tee have a seat. You have one in front of you and one in the chair. The wait won’t be too long.”

“As long as ya’ll not disrespecting women, we’re gonna have a good time!” I reply flippantly.

All of the men laugh.

I love being the center of attention. When I know that all eyes are on me I put on a show. I can be very…um…what’s the word? Bitchy…but not in a bad way. The way I do it challenges men. I know this. They feel like they HAVE to tame me. They have no idea, they can’t. I’m unbridled and I love it.

The dude cut my hair very nicely. Not as good as the barber in Riverdale back in Georgia, but good enough for me to step out looking fresh. Or as the Houston people say, Cappin’.

Come on. You KNOW I was up in the barber shop asking all kinds of questions about Houston culture.

“This is supposed to be the next hot spot,” I tell them. “No one I know has anything bad to say about Houston. Now I’m a journalist so tell me about your city. Let’s start with the radio stations. What should I be listening to while I’m out here?”

Everyone smiles and one guy chimes in, “You gotta listen to Wash Allen. That boy is silly!”

“Wash Allen,” I repeat as I take out my sidekick and input the notes like a true journalist. “What station is he on?”

“1430 AM. It’s a talk radio show. Them boys be talkin bout problems and shit.”

“What time is it on?”

“From noon to 2pm.”

Ok. “What about slang? Let’s learn some local slang words,” my fingers itching to begin typing on my sidekick.

They all laugh.

“Hey,” One of them says. “I’m from Tampa originally but now I go to Texas Southern University. When I came up here these niccas ain’t know what a jit was!”

I laughed.

“What is it?” one man inquired.

I laughed even louder.

“A jit is short for jitterbug. It means young person. Or if someone is acting like a child, you say, “You actin like a jit!'”

A young man walks in. I smile and him and say, “Hey, you’re a jit!”

Everyone laughs.

Over the course of my time in the barber shop I learned several slang terms.

While I was meticulously describing the haircut that I want and showing him the pictures from my Myspace page, the barber looked at me and assured me, “This ain’t my first rodeo.” I was like, “Whuh?”

That translates to This isn’t my first time doing this. LOL! They crazy!

“So..,” the barber asked as he gave me a round edge. “What else do you do in Miami besides High sidin at the beach?”

“Whuh?”

High Sidin translates to Stuntin (Looking good; shining; profiling)

I notice a young man walk in with a tattoo on his neck. “What’s that on your neck?” I ask him.

“Its a scorpion.”

“Are you a Scorpio?”

“No, but my T-lady is.”

I wrinkly my nose. “What’s a T-lady?”

Everyone laughs. “Top lady,” two men say in unison. “Your top lady is your Mama.”

Ohhhhh……

“Ooh,” I squeal in appreciation as I admire the progress of my haircut in the mirror. “Damn, I’m fine!”

“You’re gonna be cappin tonight,” the barber says.

Cappin translates to Getting EXTRA, EXTRA Fly. “You put your Gators on. Your linen suit and you step out!” the barber explained.

~raises eyebrow~

Gators? Linen suit?

Okkk…

All In all I had a great time meeting a few Black men. Before I left two men gave me their phone numbers so we can hang out. ~wink~ And the barber followed me out to my car to give me a..what was that? Oh, it was a year planner for 2007. I didn’t understand why he would do that at first until I noticed that his number was printed on the front. He was nice though…so I’m going to call him.

Then I went to find a car wash because my car was filthy. I rode up Almeda until I saw this self car wash place like the one I used to use in Georgia and I was hoping that I’d get the same treatment I got in Georgia by playing the damsel in distress role.

I pulled up and put in my quarters, smiling at all of the men nearby.

I drop the hose thingy and get soap everywhere. “Aww man!” I gasp loudly. “I never get this right! I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING!” I say sadly.

“Don’t worry about that pretty lady,” the guy next to me says as he walks away from his beautiful silver Impala. “Let me take care of that for you.”

“Really?” I reply, faking surprise. “For ME? You are sooo nice! Thank you SOOOO MUCH!”

I stand back and allow him to do his thang. I text JB, “Hey boy, I’m washing my car, what are you doing?”

When he’s done I take his number because he seems like a nice guy and he has very nice rims on his car. LOL! Sorry, I’m from Miami. Call me shallow if you want but I LOVE a man who pulls up in a nice ride. It turns me on!

So by the time I get home and dye my hair, I’m tired. All of the men want to take me out tonight but I don’t know who to trust and I don’t know what these guys are like.

I’m having a hard time deciding so I call JB and tell him about my day.

“You betta go out and have fun Shawty!” he says. “It’s Friday. I know that’s what I’m about to do!”

I want to go out. But I don’t know about these men…

I know. I’ll go out and I won’t drink anything. I’ll just look and see who these people are and how they kick it.

I’ll let you know what happened. Let me go pick one guy at random and tell him I’ll join him.

I promise I’ll be as safe as I can be. And I’ll text all the guy’s info to Ruby or Kim so they will know where I am.

Let me go get dressed!

Who Do I Choose?

I want to go out on the town and so far, all I’ve met (in person) are men. Every man wants to take me out but since I don’t know any of them it’s all a shot in the dark.

Who Do I Choose to introduce me to Houston nightlife?

The Contenders

A) Mr. MySpace- While playing around on MySpace I get a note from a randon guy who claims to be the good friend of Ms. Everlasting herself, Ms. SueZette. He’s in town for 2 weeks and doesn’t know anyone, he claims. I’ve been in town for less than two weeks and I still don’t have anyone to kick it with so we’re in the same boat. We can hang out and do whatever you want, he writes. Hmmm??? I’ll text Suezette and see if she approves of you, I write to him.

B) Hip Hop- I met him at the barber shop. He was tall, dark and wearing two full grills. He tells me he’s 23 and a college student at Texas Southern University but he’s from Tampa, Florida and he’d like to show me a good time in Houston. Hmmm.. I bet… I get good vibes from him though and when I ask the barber if he’s a good guy the barber says, “I’ve known him for a while and he’s a good kid.”

C) Rally- I met him at the Car Wash. He’s a grad student here, from California. He speaks with a stutter and for some reason I really liked that. He doesn’t look like the type of guy who could handle being with someone like me but I really liked that about him. I like to have control sometimes, well, most of the time. He has a nice ride too…I’d love to drive his car. He says he wants to go for drinks.

I call JB and sorta tell him about my invitations to party. He encourages me to have fun and that he’s on his way out to hang with his friends.

Who do I choose?

I choose B. But I keep A on the backburner.

I call Hip Hop because he’s from Florida so I kinda know what kind of person he is. I feel comfortable in that and I could hear the smile in his voice when he answers. “What’s up Lil Mama.”

“Where are we headed tonight?”

“There’s a spot downtown called THE OFFICE. We can hit that up. I’m bringing my boys with me. Call me when you’re dressed.”

Tonight I am going out with men I don’t know and I don’t want to cause any more attention to myself than I usually get so I choose a pair of black pants that are NOT form fitting, a black sweater and my red leather loafers that match my purse. I’m completely covered up and that’s the way I like it.

I meet up with him in the parking lot at Denny’s and I follow him downtown. He’s kinda goofy, but I like that about him. He seems to be patient too as I lose him and we have to meet up again because..well..I drive slow.

Once we hit downtown I smile. Wow. I’m finally seeing Black people! They’re everywhere! I meet his two friend, Jay and 3 Leg Greg. The entire time we’re walking these 3 are CLOWNIN! Stopping every woman they see and tryin to holla…Making announcements to strangers passing by like; “He has Herpes. Have you seen his medicine?”

I felt like I was back in highschool! The best part was; none of them were trying to hit on me so I felt comfortable and like I was one of the crew. What a relief! We walk down the street to the spot. Since Hip Hop is wearing J’s, we can’t get in so we decide to hit up this other spot called The Shadow Bar.

We walk in and my eyes grow wide.

It’s a beautiful club! And I bite my lip as I eye all of the tasty ass BLACK MEN! Ain’t nuttin like’em! Damn! I can’t wait for my girls to come visit!

I’m walking through the crowd and I’m so captivated by all of the Black people. When I visited the Sky Bar I was not impressed by the women I saw there but this place gave a different vibe. The crowd is younger, mid 20’s I believe. The women are more style concious and I couldn’t find a thick girl in the place. These women were really pretty, well dressed and sexy as hell. My eyes couldn’t decide whether I wanted to ogle the men or the women. The women won out in the end.

I had one drink, compliments of Jay and I danced a little with Hip Hop but…I felt like a Grandma because I’m not a clubber. After an hour Hip Hop and I left and I met up with Mr. Myspace in the parking lot.

He was tall and light skinned which means he was the OPPOSITE of the type of men I like to look at but he was cool. We kicked it for a bit, I drove him back to his hotel and then I struggled through the rain trying to find my way home.

I found it! I’m so proud of me!

I climbed into bed and woke up just in time to hear The Professor knocking on my wall asking me, “Are you getting ready?”

He invited me to spend the afternoon with him.

He took me to a french restaurant in the Rice Village for lunch. We chatted about whatever as we ate and sipped ice tea. Then we went over to Reliant Park for the Houston Auto Show. We had a great time looking at all of the 2007 cars from each car maker. The only one that made me go OOh was the 2007 Mercedes Coupe. I don’t like the new Jaguars. They look too retro. I remember seeing one on the road and thinking, “Why does he think he looks good in that old ass car?!”

The Professor is looking to buy a new car at the end of this year and while I was encouraging him to get a sports car, the retired Vietnam veteran told me, “I’ve been through that phase. I used to drive a Corvette. I’m not buying any car that I can’t buy cash.”

We leisurely strolled through row after row, making comments and touching cars that we knew we would never buy. I thought the new Bentley’s were ugly. The Convertible Bentley’s were cute though.

After the Auto Show we went for Icecream at Marble Slab. I had chocolate swiss with a big fat brownie in it and he has vanilla with pecans. We talked about so many things that I can’t even give an example. He is very easy to talk to and even when we don’t talk, it’s still cool. On the way back to his house I sang in the car and he laughed at me.

When we got back I sat in my car and called my kids.

“Mama! We’re going to the carnival!” My Boo Boo told me excitedly.

“For real? The Youth Fair?”

“No, the one you took us to last year. The one by your old house.”

“In Miami Shores?”

“Yeah Mama. That one! We had so much fun didn’t we? Daddy is taking us there!”

“Your Daddy always takes ya’ll to do so many fun things. I wish I could come.”

“I wish you could too Mama.”

“Alright baby well…have fun. I miss you.”

“I miss you too Mama. Talk to you tomorrow.”

Before I could start crying and asking myself, “What are you doing in Houston?” My phone rings and it’s JB. He makes me laugh and I feel better.

When I go back inside I take a sleepless rest and then go upstairs to see what the Professor is doing.

“Hey Professor!” I call out. He’s nestled in his favorite lounge chair in front of his lap top the way he always is. “Can you teach me how to hypnotize tonight?”

“You want to do that tonight?” he asks.

“Yep.”

“Ok, give me 10 minutes and let me wrap this up.”

The Professor was a CIA agent or FBI agent or something. He has plaques and all kinds of degrees all over his walls. He told me about going to Miami to catch Columbians. His specialty is to try to get the bad guy to admit to doing wrong. He also knows how to hypnotize suspects and get them to reveal the truth.

“So you have a conniving mind?” I ask him.

He laughs, “Well, if you want to catch the bad guy you have to know how they think.”

“Well, make me admit something…” I egg him on.

“I don’t want to embarrass you.”

I laugh. He has no idea. I have no shame.

“Well, if you want me to teach you how to hypnotize then you have to let me hypnotize you.”

“Hell naw…You might invite some demons or some crazy stuff into my spirit. No thanks.”

We decide to watch a movie. We flip through all of the movie channels but nothing is on. We turn to the pay per view channels and decide to watch:

ATL

Yes, the movie about Atlanta based rapper T.I. At first I was not feeling T.I. but after watching that movie, he could get it. I think he did a great job as an actor. And the Professor thought T.I.’s love interest was pretty. LOL!

After the movie the Professor went to bed and I went out to my car to call a few friends and then I went to bed, thinking about how I first went away to colleg and how torturous the frist 2 weeks were when I didn’t know anyone.

I’m hoping things get better. Monday will make it official. I’ve been here for two weeks now and still- no friends, no job, no…progress it seems.

But you guys have no idea how friendly the people in Houston are. It’s much different from the “My Mama raised me to open doors” kind of Southern Hospitality that you would find in Georgia. It’s a genuine helpfulness that I can’t say I’ve seen anywhere.

The readers that I have in Houston have REALLY gone out of their way to give me information, connect me with people in my field and send encouraging words and I am loving that!

As much as I want to say, “THis is wack, I’m gone.” There’s something about this city. Something about the people here that makes me want to stay and see what happens.

Perfect example: As I was researching publications to send out my samples I was having a rough time. As soon as I found a few I received an email from a Houston reader with a LONG LIST of publications in Houston!

Another example: I called the restaurant to follow up on my interview because I had not heard back from them. While the manager was a bit elusive in answering, “We haven’t decided yet,” she told me. Dude. It’s a WAITRESS position. How much thought do you need to give it? ~shrugs~

I shrugged it off and asked her, “Well, since you don’t really know about that, can you point me in the direction of a good barber?”

“Oh.. Ra Ra who works here has a short cut and I’ll get her for you.”

The receiver exchanges hands and some chick I have never seen greets me cheerfully. “Hi, you’re looking for a barber? Well, girl, all you have to do is…..And then ask for B. Tell him I sent you and here’s my cell phone number in case you get lost. Call me anytime!”

I hang up looking confused.

Damn these people are friendly….

Weird..but I kinda like it.

Let’s see what week 3 in Houston brings.

No…Thank You!

Over the course of my 3 years as a blogger I’ve shared the truth from my heart. I’ve bared my soul in an effort to understand myself better and as a record of my growth. I know I don’t always say and do the right things. I know that my heart isn’t always as pure as it should be. I know that I’m not growing as fast as others think I should, but I’m still trying to become a better person everyday.

Through my desire to improve and motivate myself, I have noticed that I have somehow become an inspiration to others. The crazy thing about it is, YOU, my readers and blog friends have made more of an impact on my progress than you will ever know. I read every comment. I receive every prayer and gesture of good will. Believing in myself is made so much easier because of you. YOU believe in me too. I need that.

Thank you for your encouraging comments and especially to those who have taken the time to write a personal note and send it to my inbox. You won’t guess how many times I have to pull up those emails and cry while reading on those days that I feel like I’m not making a difference when I know in my heart that I was put on earth to help shape and change lives in a positive direction.

I’d like to share with you a few of the letters that I have received that touch me and let me know, even through the rough times, I’m doing something right.

***Names withheld to respect the privacy of the writer.

Dear Ms. Tee,

Your post on Thursday struck me so deep down inside I had to leave my office (big room w/ 4 other people, desks and phones) and find me a secluded stall in a seldom used bathroom and let loose. I have been feeling such misery for the last month that many days I felt it would be better for everyone who knew me if I was not here anymore. My 3 daughters and the idea of someone raising them is what kept me here. I know that I know my girls personalities better than anyone and I have seen how people not understanding them has lead to people not always treating them the way I think is fair. I have tried talking to one of my friends but people are so judgemental and I have realized people don’t really listen.

I have been trying to distract myself out of depression by running the streets a lot. Luckily my kids go away every summer and won’t be home for 3 more weeks because I can’t imagine getting through these days facing them and having to be “normal”.

Your post meant the world to me and gave me hope and helped me to remember that suicidal thoughts come from the devil and I need to let go of my worries and let God deal with them. For the most part that is how I get through my days but this summer has been hard. I am in love with a man, that has a girlfriend and I am so lonely and hurt and then I miss my kids terribly. I always felt that I don’t need a man and I can make it alone but I realize now the difference between being alone and being lonely and I have been so, so lonely for months now. I don’t mind being alone, but loneliness is the pits. I just wanted to say your post was so on time and I believe I have been reading your blog just waiting for this post. I’ll keep reading.
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Hi Ms. Tee,

Take care.
********************

Ms. Tee

I don’t know you or what you’re going through but I read the email your ex sent to you and your last post and for some reason it hits home. I have been in one abusive relationship and I’ve often wondered what it would have been like to have his child right now. To know that I’d never be rid of him is a scary thought. He would make jokes about me in front of his friends, tell me how fat I was in private and how unattracted to me he was, he’d belittle every single thing he could about me even my career choices…because putting me down made him feel better about himself. I don’t know the reasons why this man, that will forever be in your life, treats you the way he does but I know that it has nothing to do with you.

The reasons why you meet men like him is the same reason I met my ex. There is something inside of you that thinks you are worthless so you attract people who like to feed off of that. I had to realize there was something in me that needed to be fixed before I could love again. I am single (still fat) but I’d rather stay this way than to ever be with a man who treats me like I’m anything less than a queen. I must admit that I still take criticism hard…but I don’t let it control or crush me. The time will come when a man will worship and cherish you but you first have to worship yourself. You are beautiful and worthy regardless of what anyone says. When you are blessed the devil tries everything he can to bring you down, don’t let him. I don’t know if my words mean anything to you but I hope they do.
**********************

Hey Tee!
How are you? I hope all is well. Mike gave me the address to your blog and girl I just had to email you myself. Your blog is amazing! He gave me the address a few months ago and the first night I went on, I couldn’t stop reading it. I read alot and I also enjoy writing. Although, I don’t get to write as much as I would like to. Girl, the responsibilities of family, work, and school can get overwhelming. I am sure that you have heard this before, but you are better than a whole lot of people out there. Your style is awesome. I had to stop reading and go back to the very beginning of your blog. You are truly a blessed sista. Your blog could be a NYT bestseller. I pray you get published. Anyway, I just had to tell you how great your site is. Take care and keep doing what you’re doing!
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Ms. Tee,

Thank you for being you.
****************************


Hey Ms. Tee,

I ran across your blog one day while playing on my Blackberry and have been addicted every since! I catch myself checking your site every day to see what’s new. I’ve even CALLED my sorors on the phone and read them some of the entries that you’ve made. Anyway, I always wanted to leave you a note, but never have. As a young black woman in Atlanta (Marietta) I understand far too well the things you go through. I just wanted to tell you to stay strong and remain encourgaged. What your supposed to have will come when your supposed to have it. That was the hardest lesson for me to learn and at times I still struggle with it. Please continue to write…your blog gets me through some days. Take care.
****************************

Tee,

I’m glad you are out there doing your thing. Keep your head up. As far as your race issues. Tee, you just needed to meet some white people that you didn’t consider a threat. When I see you or think of you I don’t think black. However when you think of me, I’m “The White Friend”. When I think of you I think of someone who is trying to get to a place better than where she came from. I don’t care who you are, black, white, green, purple, fat, skinny, round, long, that is a person I admire. I admire what you are doing and I wish that more people would think the way you and I do.

Something is telling me that when all is said and done, you will influence more people then you realize. I truly think you already are. You may not see it, but many people are reading your journey in amazement. Anticipating an ending. Some want you to fail, you know who they are. All the people that hate people who do. you know them!!! Misery loves company. They sit in Miami and they are saying “I told her not to do it. Her luck is gonna run out and he’ll be back with the rest of us.” You know there is at least one of them. So many others are hoping you succeed, because deep down they wish they had the strenght that you do.

Every post you make is building someones faith in this world. Those who want to belive, but have no proof are getting that proof through your journey. I don’t have to tell you but continue your journey like you have no fear. There are million waiting to hear the end of the Ms. Tee success story. I’m one of them.