Still Adjusting

I don’t know what it is about the twi-lighthours that seem to cast a depressing shadow over your life.

Have you ever been fine all day but as soon as you turn off the light you can’t fall asleep and you find yourself watching the digital clock as the minutes creep slowly through the early morning hours?

That’s me right now.

But my new boyfriend is here; my laptop. We sleep together every night. He sings me to sleep. Thank God it’s not a DELL. My desktop used to make me cringe everytime I sat down since I named that DL guy’s character after my computer. ~yuck~ I have a Gateway now.

That’s fitting. I am walking through the gateway. I AM the gateway. ~smile~ I’m dramatic.

~sigh~

I miss my sons.

Today I took Nancy’s kids to Chuckie Cheese to play. I felt like a nanny following behind them, passing tokens and kissing boo boo’s when they got hurt.

I used to do that for my own kids, when I had the money.

I used to take care of them.

I used to dance with them and cook for them and play hide n seek with them.

We used to sleep together at night and sometimes they’d pee on me but I didn’t care because they are my boys.

My boys… They are well. Everytime I talk to them they are laughing and their Daddy’s girlfriend is bringing them a treat.

“We gotta go, Mama. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight Boo Boo.”

Click.

Shake that shit off girl… You can do this.

It’s funny cuz I feel like I’m constantly shaking off some kind of pain. I guess we all are.

That is what seperates the winners from the downtrodden; the ability to move past failures and work toward a better today.

I am so blessed. My boys are well taken care of and so am I.

Since I didn’t have Tamara to bounce ideas off of, I decided to cut things off with JB. It was getting to be a bit much. In a minute I would have been writing, “Maybe all men aren’t so bad.” But I know that isn’t the truth and I can’t allow him to get too close because I know what he is capable of. I’ve been there. I’ve seen. I’ve tasted.

I started a fight with him so that I could tell him to get the hell away. It worked.

Relieved?

No. Hurt mostly. I kinda liked him as a person.

Kinda…

Now it’s time to get to business.