Author: TPatterson

A Rough Patch

I’m having a problem developing relationships. Its so weird cuz I used to be that girl that everyone wanted to be around. I used to be very popular and upbeat and I think ppl admired my drive.

I was voted Best Personality once and Most Popular when I was in highschool and things didnt really change when I came to college…until I met my children’s father at the tender age of 19. Everything went downhill from there. I was more bitter, more reclusive. All those years before I had battled with depression and low self-esteem, but no one knew, cuz I always appeared happy and successful. When I met him all that hidden turmoil just came to the surface as I tried to become the woman he wanted.

Now, Im much better about the depression, but nothing like I was before. I isolate myself. I dont really talk to anyone much. I hide behind my children, using them as an excuse not to have anyone around. I convince myself that I dont need anyone, that I can do it all on my own and I have been, but I dont think that it HAS to be this way.

Since Ive become a recluse and I feel like Ive changed so much Im afraid. Im afraid to open up to people and allow them to get to know me. I’m afraid to be rejected. So many cliques to break through at church. These ppl have been together for years and love each other and how can I fit into that picture? Usually I dont even try, I just go home and play with my sons. But its a battle inside because honestly, I LOVE GAINESVILLE. I wouldnt mind having my children grow up here. Its so sweet and quiet. The only thing is, I dont have any friends here. So, it gets rough when I’m working a job that I’m not really interested in and then I have no outlet for fun. So its work all day and then home to take care of my sons and then go to sleep. And I get lonely and just wanna kick it sometimes and I want my friends to move here but they hate Gainesville.

When did Te-Erick turn into this kind of person? I’m cool. I’m chill. I’m funny. Why cant it show to others?

You know people are always watching the ppl who were popular in highschool, I think sometimes they are waiting for them to fail.

I must admit, I fell off, but it aint over yet.

I had to report my co-worker today. I prayed about it first and I felt it was the best thing to do. I think I handled myself very well figuring my past issues with white people have been so negative and how rude she was to me.

See, it’s not just me WANTING to be untrusting of white people. There has only been ONE white person that I have ever had a positive relationship with. I dont think Im that hard to get along with. I know with white people Im not really open and friendly, but I’m never rude or offensive, I just stay to myself.

But the RUDEST white people seem to find me and want to TRY ME SO BAD. I think they want me to turn into the ugly, loud, rude person I used to be that would have cursed them out. I know God has changed me because even though she deserved a butt whooping for how she spoke to me, I had compassion for her and didnt even get upset.

Here’s a copy of the report I wrote on my co-worker.

On March 9, 2004 at approximately 2:30 pm, my co-worker Charlene told me that she needed to speak with me in our director Neale’s office. So, I went in and sat down and she asked me to close the door but I refused to.

Here is a rough sketch of our conversation.

She then asked me in a demanding tone, “Are you looking for another job?”

To which I replied, “That’s really none of your business and that has nothing to do with my performance here.”

Charlene: It has everything to do with your work here. Can you honestly tell me you’re putting forth initiative?

Me: I can honestly say I am doing my best.

Charlene: Well, I don’t feel like you’re part of the team here.

Me:: I am a part of the team, I work here.

Charlene: You’re not a part of MY team! I don’t feel comfortable working with you and no one else wants you here.

Me: That is fine Charlene, but I’m not going anywhere. And until Neale calls me in and tells me I have to go, I’m going to be here everyday.

Charlene: You know! I don’t believe this, I thought you would be receptive to what I am saying. I thought you were REAL! Be REAL.

Me: I am being real. I told you I am doing my best and that’s all I can do.

Charlene: You need to be looking for another job!

Me: I’m not leaving until it’s time.

Charlene: How dare you sit up here all day and check your personal email and make personal phone calls on VA money?! We are not paying you to handle your personal business. We are not paying you to read a personal book! It’s not Christ-like and I don’t respect a person who does that. I’m not like that. It’s not Charlene who’s talking to you here, I represent the VA! I don’t care if you have to stare at a blank computer screen all day, you DO NOT handle personal business on VA time!

Me: There is nothing that either you nor Neale has asked me to do that I have not done. Everything that I am asked to do I do and I do it well.

Charlene: Well, what about initiative?! You have a college degree, don’t you? I can’t believe that a person with a college degree can’t figure this stuff out! You’ve been here for six weeks and you still don’t understand what’s going on! You need to talk to Neale and tell him to help you find another job.

Me: I don’t need to talk to Neale about anything. He hasn’t complained yet.

Charlene: You know we (her and Neale) sit in here and we talk about you all the time. Don’t think it’s just me who feels this way!

Me: Well, you can talk about me all day if that makes you feel better, but until he says something to me it doesn’t matter. Do you tell him how you sit up and criticize his competency as a leader and backbite him? Do you tell him that?

Charlene: You can tell him anything you want to tell him.

Me: I know I can.

Charlene:I don’t know WHY I brought those toys in for your kids! I was thinking to myself, I don’t even like her why would I do something nice for her. But I said, she’s a human being and I have to love her because of that, but I don’t like you as a person. We are NOT FRIENDS! Why don’t you just walk out?

Me: Girl, I have two kids to take care of. I can’t just quit and give up like that. I’m not walking out. Look, I can tell that this is not the best situation. I know that there should probably be someone who is more passionate about what we do here, but the reality is, I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.

Charlene: Why would I want to train you when you’re probably going to be leaving? I’d rather do everything myself.

Me: Well, you shouldn’t have to do two jobs and I may not be leaving for another 5 or 6 months. Are you going to do both of our jobs until then? You need help. I understand that this is a frustrating situation, so even thought you’re insulting me and being extremely rude, I can feel you. I understand where you’re coming from. And I’m sorry I don’t know this stuff, but if you would take the time and show me just once, you’ll never have to show me again. I can’t figure this out on my own. That’s not how I work. I’m not a student. I don’t study. Show me and you wont have to worry about this again.

This conversation made me feel sorry for her. I know she is frustrated. I know I’m not doing things like the woman before me did, but it seems as though neither Neale nor Charlene want to train me. They want me to figure things out on my own and I don’t learn like that. I need help with this job and it seems like no one wants to take the time to show me. I don’t like the fact that she pulled me into the office and blasted me like she was my supervisor, and even if she was my supervisor I feel that was very inappropriate language and tone.

Please understand that I complete ALL of my work before I ever picked up my book or checked my personal email. I only made a phone call to the daycare to check on the price for my sons. I am in no way, neglecting what I have to do, in fact I do it well.

It continues…

So today for some reason I went in and all the rest of the women were being very nice to me. I was kinda shocked to say the least. (Remember, they are all white.) I was personally invited to have lunch with them and the same woman who was so rude to me before, (not the co-worker I mentioned above) even pulled me aside and encouraged me on the job and assured me that I was not doing anything wrong and that if I EVER needed anything to come by and ask her and she would stop everything and help me.

She even invited me to go with her to some training session and my evil co-worker was sitting right there and she said, “Well, I have to go to that training too.” and the other lady said, “No, you dont really HAVE to.”

What a weird turn around. But you know me, I still have my eyebrow raised about the whole friendly thing. Why the sudden change in ppl’s attitude?

Maybe I’m just paranoid.

He hears your prayers

He sees your tears

He is there

Holding you through

You know what to do

Trust Him

He’s got you

Love,

Tee

Sometimes my friends are weirder than me. You all know my girl Anna is down in Miami on crutches because she broke her foot.

This chick called me last week to tell the tale of her adventure on crutches to the club. Yes you heard me right, Anna took her broke foot to the club! What kind of craziness?!!

But that’s just Anna, you can’t keep her down for long. Her friends convinced her to go because she had been sitting in the house for over a month, only leaving to go to her doctors appointments. She was reluctant but bored so she put on a sweatsuit and a white sock with a Nike check on the back and hobbled into her friends car as they rode out early so they could get a booth near the door.

As Anna neared the entrance to the club she began to feel uncomfortable. She noticed people looking at her but trying not to let her know they were looking at her. Her friends assumed the roles of body guards, clearing a path for her as they entered the club, which only brought more attention to the already embarrassed Anna.

She hopped to a booth and slid in thinking she would blend into the background. But because they were sitting so close to the front door, everyone who came in wound up staring at her foot, which she had propped up on a stool. To make matters worse, this was a club that she used to go to a lot so most everyone there knew her and made several comments about her presence.

“Girl, you just had to get outta that house didnt you?” one man said with a laugh when she caught him openly staring at her foot. She wiggled her toes at him to let him know she saw him looking.

“Anna!” one younger guy said to her, as if he were her mother. “Now you know you dont have no bizness up in this club with your foot like that! You couldnt stay away?! You know you aint right!”

Anna hung her head in shame and amusement. As the night wore on her drinks started to kick in and when it was time to leave she found herself wobbling on her crutches. As she neared the door she heard the familiar cat calls of men in pursuit and she wished she could walk faster so she could get away but found herself face to face with some guy trying to get her number. She was able to brush him off but others soon surrounded her.

Anna made it home and laughed at her little adventure. Next time her friends better bring the party to her!

Feel better COCINA!

For some reason I can not access my favorite website BLACKPLANET and it’s driving me crazy!

I’ve tried logging in under my friends accounts and everything and I still can’t get through. All I get is the guest account so I can’t check my notes or visit the forums or anything. It’s a sad sad day.

So, in memory of my BP experience I’ve decided to share with you some of the people i’ve met through BP who I have developed ongoing relationships with for almost a year.

You can browse through my friends list on My BP Page or check out their pages below.

Meet Ms. Lafay– She was the first woman that I met on BP and first in my guestbook. We’ve had a lot of laughs and I really like this chick. She’s a lot like me, creative and talented and driven.

Meet The Chicken Man aka John. He lives in DC and boasts about his two loves his mama and fried chicken! He is hilarious, he loves God and I miss chatting with him since I can’t chat during the day anymore. Here’s his other Chicken Loving BP page!

Meet Freddy, I like to call him my computer love. LOL! He hates that. He lives in Dayton, Ohio and has a 6 year olf son named Chris. Freddy is a very cool guy who I am very comfortable talking to and sharing my heart. He is going to make some woman very happy some day.

Meet Ruby, Ok, Ok, I know she lives in town with me and we’re friends in reality but she introduced me to Blackplanet and when I used to be able to chat more often we would light this internet up! She’s the only person I know who loves to chat as much as I do. Also, check out her weblog.

Meet Rajhan, This guy is a riot! He loves to write, rhyme and think. You can’t catch him online until the late night but since I never stay up that late anymore I can’t catch him. I miss you Rajhan. Always praying for you!

Meet Corlissa, She’s new to the group, but oh so necessary. We keep each other up in encouraging words. Thanks girl!

Meet Shaun, well, that’s not his real name but when he sent me his pic I thought to myself, he looks like a Shaun so I’ve called him that ever since. LOL! He doesn’t mind though. He has the craziest interest: tickling! And he claims it is not about sex at all. He just loves it for the fun of it.

Well, I think that’s it. If I forgot you I’m so sorry, I dont get a chance to write much or chat these days.

Enjoy!

I was talking on the phone with my friend when I heard a mysterious knock at the door. I walked to the door and looked through the peephole and there was this weird looking guy there. I didnt know who he was. I say, “Yes.” He responds, “It’s me. It’s your brother.”

Rewind…

Ok, Ok, I forget you guys dont know this situation so I’ll give you a synopsis and if you dont know me personally you will probably write me cursing me out, but those who know me, know how I am.

About a year and a half ago out of the blue I got a phone call one warm afternoon. I was home with my baby Solomon because he wasnt feeling well. The voice on the other end was male and excited. He informed me that I was his biological father. I was like, oh yeah.

To my knowledge I already had a biological father who I hadnt seen since I was maybe 6 years old and I didnt care about him either so one more that’s been missing all my life made no difference to me. But my Pastor advised me to get a paternity test and I did and it turned out that he is my bio dad. So, it turns our he has four other kids that wanted to meet me. When I went down to Miami (my hometown) I met 3 of them, they’re half Puerto Rican and they’re cool.

Although I feel like I love them and I receive them as my natural brothers and sisters I dont feel a thing for my bio dad. He’s just another man off the street to me. I’m sorry but I cant help that. My Pastor has been more of a father to me than he has and I’ve only been under my Pastor’s covering for a couple of years.

Back to the regular program…

Ok, so this guy is at the door asking me to let him in, I’m wearing a t-shirt and nothing else, my boys are eating dinner and there’s crumbs and toys all over the floor, my dishes aren’t washed and I’m looking around like, dang, this is the wrong time. So I tell him that I can’t have company right now and he says, “This is your brother (I dont recognize this guy so he must be the one I didnt get to meet when I was in Miami) I want to see you, my Dad is out in the truck we’re on our way from Georgia and we didnt have your number.”

Soooo… what do you think I did?

I think something must be inheritantly wrong with me because I dont even feel bad. I called out my number to him and told him next time, give me some notice before showing up at my door. He left.

Ok, Ok, I feel a little bad but that’s how I am. I TOLD you I’m not nice. I TOLD you I have a attitude problem. I’m such a horrible person.

I have this thing that NO ONE comes to my house with out calling first. It is my PET PEEVE! I guess I have a few exceptions, like if you’ve known me for more than 4 years or if you’re related to me. These people know the truth. These people know that I am very unorganized and messy and I’m always wearing next to nothing around the house.

For real… The real reason I DO NOT ALLOW unexpected company is because I can hardly keep my house together. What kind of woman would ever admit that? I am so unorganized, so messy… I’ve met two women who were messy like me but funny thing is, they both got married and live normal lives, people still love them.

I see my mess as my obstacle to any man ever loving me. Come on, think about it. When you think of the ideal woman you’re thinking; she cooks, cleans, has a great personality,loves God, takes good care of the kids, is beautiful. Well, I think I have all of those things except for the cleaning part.

Well you may be thinking, “Why dont you TRY?” ~sigh~ I have tried. I have so many wonderful friends who have come over here and helped me. I remember right before my friend Shanna left town to go to the military, she helped me organize my whole house. She sorted clothes, gave me tips and cleaned up everything. I had never been so happy! She is gifted at that.

Two weeks later I was crying again.

It’s not like my house is NEVER clean. It just comes in spurts. And it never stays that way for long. Those who have known me for more than 4 years know me and my mess and are not above helping me pick it up.

You know… I wish I could be that ideal woman. I really do.

I’m sorry if you stop by and I dont answer the door. Now you know why.

You know what? I just can’t get over how much God is blessing the people in my life. It’s as if everyone who is being faithful or just has a desire to serve Him more can not contain what God is giving them.

Let me give a few testimonies.

Ruby

My girl started with her company when she was still an undergrad. She worked part-time managing accounts at a natural gas company while she finished up her degree in advertising. She felt like it wasn’t time to leave Gainesville because she knew that once she stepped outside of this little cozy city, she wouldnt be nothing but trouble. So she stayed and graduated and stayed on with her gas company working full-time. Only six months later she got a promotion to Executive Assistant to the director of Marketing making with a PHAT, I mean PHAT payraise. She was faithful at that job and after a while began to feel like she wasn’t accomplishing her dreams of working in advertising. She kinda got frustrated and made up her mind to leave Gainesville as soon as she could save up enough money.

She sat down with her boss over breakfast one day and told him what was in her heart. She was very honest in admitting that her passions did notline up with what she was doing there and she told him that she planned to pursue outside interests. Being a man of God, he told her he appreciated her honesty and wanted the best for her.

She just called me tonight and told me that her company has created a position for her working on ADVERTISING accounts and creating pamphlets, brochures and ads. EXACTLY what she wanted to do! Her new position starts in April. And it’s all because her boss appreciated her heart and valued her and wanted to see her fulfill her dreams. Isn’t God amazing.

Kim

My girl Kim got her degree at USF in Tampa Florida and sat there for two months without a bite from any employers. A friend of hers offered to let her stay with her if she wanted to try her hand at a new city and without much money, no car and no personal belongings Kim found herself in Chicago. As soon as she got there she got a job and within two months, she had moved out of her friends apartment and was living on her own, making it happen.

She soon grew weary at her job and frustrated that she wasn’t working in her passion which is Information Technology. She called me and said that she was going to quit her job and I lookd at her like she was crazy! She had bills to pay! But she said she had peace about it. She lived off of her meager savings and I was also struggling a little financially during that time so i couldnt help her.

We would talk off and on, more on than off, and SHE is the real reason I had to cut off my long distance- that girl can run her mouth! During my rough patch I had about $126 left and rent was due. With little money coming in from my part-time job and two kids I had to trust that God would take care of everything. After all I had been tithing faithfully and I knew God wouldnt let my kids go without.

On the day my rent was due I checked my mail and there was a check from Kim written out to me which covered not only my rent, but a little extra money for diapers and things for my sons.

I called her astonished but giving all the glory to God and she told me that God told her that if she was obedient to bless me He would open up the doors for her blessing. Remember she had NO JOB at this time.

Two weeks later she started working with Verizon Wireless a company that she loves and wants to stay at. This income provided her an opportunity to get a BETTER apartment on the NORTH side of Chicago with a doorman and everything! She then turned around and did the same thing that was done for her, she encouraged a friend who was struggling to move to Chicago and stay with her.

This girl stayed with Kim for almost 10 months and Kim slept on the couch in her own apartment. The girl moved on this past Monday and Kim decided to help this girl out and bless her with a TV for her new place. This girl’s mother called Kim tonight and thanked her for her faithfulness to her daughter and told her she wanted to show her appreciation by sending her to Honduras on a vacation for a WEEK, all expenses paid! Look what the Lord has done!

Kenya

My girl Kenya left her hometown of Gainesville, FL soon after I had my first son Sai. She moved to LA to pursue her dreams of becoming a fashion designer and writer. She struggled in LA. It was tough to find jobs and with little money and no transportation she was devastasted by the BUS strikes that went on there a while back. She held her peace though and remained in good spirits.

Soon an opportunity came about to move back to the east coast, this time to New York and Kenya jumped on it. I believe God opened up all kinds of doors because when she called me to share what was happening in her life, she had made so many contacts with people in the design and fashion industry and even job offers just a few weeks after she had moved there. Look how the Lord moves!

Racole

My girl Racole, my younger son’s godmother graduated and moved back home to Miami. She struggled a bit in the tough job market and settled into a job that didn’t line up with her passion of law and criminology. She began to save so that she could apply to law school and remember that law school applications dont come cheap!

Before she knew it she had spent over $900 in applications when she got aletter in the mail with a fee waived if she wanted to apply to a law school in California. She applied, was accepted and even got a $17,000 a year scholarship to attend the school. She is a little apprehensive about making such a hug move so I would appreciate your prayers over for about hearing from God and having complete peace about going. But ain’t that something?! The blessing came to her!

Lafay

Lafay became a single mom with three kids a few years ago with a passion for writing and singing. Some of her friends would get annoyed at her for writing her feelings down and always sharing but she did it because that is what she loved to do ( just like me). Recently Lafay turned her passion into profit and signed a contract to publish her first book, she has a new website to promote her original songs and is doing a little modeling on the side. If you can’t see that God has given her favor, I dont know what to tell you. Her stories really encourage me.

The one thing I love about my friends is that they love God and they are so driven, just like me. I thrive on hearing their stories of how they are pursuing their goals relentlessly and God is just moving in their favor, regardless of if they think they deserve it or not.

I am sure I will be able to share more testimonies soon. God is faithful and my friends deserve the very best, just because of what wonderful, understanding, positive women that they have been in my life.

I love you all and keep the stories coming!

~sigh

It really happened.

Today…I…spent the last of my foodstamps.

~sobbing~

They’re all gone and they’re not coming back. I’m not a college kid anymore.

Man…

~chuckles~

And still I smile.

Transitioning from single college mom to single working mom. Trying to be a light and represent Christ. Trying to hold down my household without the certainty of financial aid. Making sure to love on my sons as my as much I can while still showing them who’s got the upper hand.

And still I smile.

You know, there’s more to me than my struggles and pain. I laugh. I make jokes. I have fun. Yeah, I still am working through issues, but, hey, who isnt?

Today I decided to cataog my hopes and share them with you. I have a vision that is so grand I sometimes can’t believe I dream this big.

Things that I want to accomplish

1) My own talk show

2) Write for magazines

3) Write books

4) Be a motivational speaker

5) Earn a passive income

6) Be an Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Cover girl cosmetics model

7) Be on the cover on Essence magazine

8) Write plays

9) Produce television shows

10) Move my parents closer and build them a house

11) Influence culture and shape attitudes about daily living

12) Own my own home(s)

13) Have more babies

14) Win the Nobel Prize for Literature

15) Have a successful marriage

16) Get some braces

My dreams on a platter served fresh and inviting.

Yet to be accomplished but promised.

I smile even though I dont know why. I guess it’s the promise of God remaining in my life.

Do you have a vision?

I really came out of a lot of confusion. It stemmed from my relationship with my Pastor.

You all know how much I love him and admire him, but the truth is I have a very deep love for him that joins us in the spirit. I was confused by this love for him. I was ashamed by my feelings for him. I had never felt this way about a man before so I was scared that i was doing something wrong. Everytime I am in his presence I have a peace. I know that I can talk to him about anything and he will NEVER condemn me or criticize me. He encourages me. He challenges me and he doesnt want anything in return. Nothing.

I was stunned when I realized that.

I used to be so frustrated because I wanted to be a blessing to him but he kept telling me to sit still, focus on school and my family. All I wanted to do was use my gift to help him accomplish his vision and I was so hurt everytime he told me no. I understand now what he was doing. He wanted to show me that I can receive his love without ever giving away anything. I always felt like I couldnt accept help, love or anything unless I had first given away something, just so no one could say that they did so much for me and I didnt do anything for them.

But he refused to let me do anything and I was so frustrated with him. And I was frustrated with myself because I knew I loved him immensely, with my whole heart and I didn’t know if it was appropriate.

After talking with my bestfriend Anna, my world changed. She told me about how she felt when her dad left and divorced her mother. She felt devastated. She had lost her confidante, her bestfriend, the one man that she compared every other man to. She had lost the person who believed in her and cherished her without ever judging her or putting her down. She felt like she had lost her father.

After listening to Anna pour out her heart I began to identify with the feelings she had for her dad. I realized I felt the same level of comfort and love for my Pastor. These feelings I was having were not innappropriate. These feelings were not perverted or weird. This is how it feels to love your father. You adore your father. You think he’s the best thing that ever happened. He covers you and takes care of you and you feel safe in his arms.

It’s not sexual. It’s not romantic. It’s pure love. The purest love. The love of a father. And I never had that before.

But God knew I needed to experience it so He sent his child to represent Him and my Pastor became a true example, in my life, of the love of God.

I adore Pastor. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Remember being all young and hopeful about the prospect of true love? Funny how I used to go to bed early just to listen to Freddy Cruz on Hot 105 in Miami, talk in his deep sexy voice as I made myself cry thinking about my true love out there. I was hoping he was thinking about me too.

Remember this?

{Verse 1}

I don’t know what it is that you’ve done to me…

but it’s caused me to act in such a crazy way.

Whatever it is that you do when you do what you’re doing…

it’s a feeling I don’t understand.

{Bridge}

‘Cause my heart starts beating triple time,

with thoughts of loving you on my mind.

I can’t figure out just what to do,

when the cause and cure is you.

{Chorus}

I get so weak in the knees I can hardly speak.

I lose all control and something takes over me.

In a daze and it’s so amazing, it’s not a phase.

I want you to stay with me, by my side.

I swallow my pride, your love is so sweet.

It knocks me right off of my feet.

I can’t explain why your loving makes me weak.

{Verse 2}

It’s Time after time after time I’ve tried to fight it.

But your love is strong it keeps on holding on.

Resistance is down when you’re around, starts fading.

In my condition I don’t want to be alone.

{Bridge}

{Chorus}

{Verse 3}

I try hard to fight it.

No way can I deny it.

Your love’s so sweet.

It knocks me off my feet.

{Chorus}

I get so weak…

Blood starts racing through my veins

I get so weak…

Boy it’s something I can’t explain.

I get so weak…

Something ’bout the way you do

the things you do ooh ooh, it…

knocks me right off of my feet,

off of my feet.

Can’t explain why your loving makes me weak.

{Chorus}

SWV- Weak

Ahh…those were the days.