I really came out of a lot of confusion. It stemmed from my relationship with my Pastor.
You all know how much I love him and admire him, but the truth is I have a very deep love for him that joins us in the spirit. I was confused by this love for him. I was ashamed by my feelings for him. I had never felt this way about a man before so I was scared that i was doing something wrong. Everytime I am in his presence I have a peace. I know that I can talk to him about anything and he will NEVER condemn me or criticize me. He encourages me. He challenges me and he doesnt want anything in return. Nothing.
I was stunned when I realized that.
I used to be so frustrated because I wanted to be a blessing to him but he kept telling me to sit still, focus on school and my family. All I wanted to do was use my gift to help him accomplish his vision and I was so hurt everytime he told me no. I understand now what he was doing. He wanted to show me that I can receive his love without ever giving away anything. I always felt like I couldnt accept help, love or anything unless I had first given away something, just so no one could say that they did so much for me and I didnt do anything for them.
But he refused to let me do anything and I was so frustrated with him. And I was frustrated with myself because I knew I loved him immensely, with my whole heart and I didn’t know if it was appropriate.
After talking with my bestfriend Anna, my world changed. She told me about how she felt when her dad left and divorced her mother. She felt devastated. She had lost her confidante, her bestfriend, the one man that she compared every other man to. She had lost the person who believed in her and cherished her without ever judging her or putting her down. She felt like she had lost her father.
After listening to Anna pour out her heart I began to identify with the feelings she had for her dad. I realized I felt the same level of comfort and love for my Pastor. These feelings I was having were not innappropriate. These feelings were not perverted or weird. This is how it feels to love your father. You adore your father. You think he’s the best thing that ever happened. He covers you and takes care of you and you feel safe in his arms.
It’s not sexual. It’s not romantic. It’s pure love. The purest love. The love of a father. And I never had that before.
But God knew I needed to experience it so He sent his child to represent Him and my Pastor became a true example, in my life, of the love of God.
I adore Pastor. And there’s nothing wrong with that.