Author: TPatterson

Day 3

It’s day 3 at home with my son, he has a stomach virus. The first day it was vomiting. Now he has diarrhea. I woke up early got all of us dressed and prayed that nothing would go wrong.

“I still don’t feel well,” he told me.
“Well, I think you’ll be okay.”

I dropped his big brother off and made my way across town to his school. Before I got half way there I heard him whining.

“What’s going on?”
“I boo booed in my underwear.”

I guess the diarrhea isn’t gone yet.
Let’s go home.

I freaked out at first. That’s very typical of me. Then I calculated how much money is going to be taken off of my paycheck for these 3 days and I realized that if I sold just ONE of my stories, I’d be okay.

So that must be it. I’m about to sell one of my stories!

I don’t believe that God would bring me to this job for it to bring financial disaster to my life. Something wonderful is going to happen. I am not going to lose my job or not be able to pay my bills.

Something spectacular is about to happen.

I know it.

Canceled Plans

I had a date tonight but I canceled it.

Something about the guy didn’t sit right with me. First off, when he asked me out he asked me what I wanted to do. So I told him I’d like to see the Dave Chapelle movie. He paused and told me that he didn’t like to go see movies on the first weekend that they come out.

Hmmm….

It seems to me that he already is ignoring my desires. If this is supposed to be our first date, why not do whatever I want to do? I think this is a big indication that he will give me problems later on. I plan to just let him know that I am a very busy person and I don’t have time to date.

I hope that pacifies him. I don’t feel like explaining why I don’t want to see him and I don’t feel like having drama.

Which reminds me of the conversation I had this morning with my sorority sister Shanna. She mentioned how much she loved her job because it was easy. I couldn’t help but laugh at the difference between she and I. If a job is too easy I would be upset. LOL! I don’t like to be bored at work.

She said that I place a lot of emphasis on the success of my career and I agreed. Then she said that on her list of things that are important in her life, a career is at the very bottom. She values family more than anything and all she dreamt of as a child is having her own family one day.

All I dreamt of as a child is becoming a speaker and bestselling author. I never imagined myself with a family. My boys were a wonderful surprise but they were not a part of the plan. I’m grateful though, because through them I have the opportunity to experience true love.

I often wonder if the reason I value my career so much is because I don’t believe in romantic love. I remember friend after friend after friend saying they didn’t care how much money they had as long as they were financially stable and had someone wonderful to share their life with.

I’m the opposite. I don’t care about romantic love as long as I am successful in accomplishing my career objectives and using this gift God as given me to bring glory to Him.

I feel like I’ve had my romantic relationship already and I don’t ever want to go through that again. I have my kids now and I’m fine. Sometimes I think about it, you know, romantic love, but I try to shut it down. It was kinda difficult to ignore the desire tonight as I tried to watch the new Madea movie.

Yeah, I got a bootleg copy. Don’t kill me. I always wanted to see what it was like to watch one and besides the screen freezing up every 10 minutes and the sound not coinciding with the visual sometimes, it was pretty good.

I’ll say pretty good because I couldn’t get through the entire movie. I started crying and had to turn it off. There’s this one character who is a single mom with two kids- blah-blah- She meets this guy- blah-blah- He’s handsome and seems to genuinely like her-blah-blah. When he first approached her to ask her I out, I screamed at the TV, “DON’T DO IT GIRL!”

She called him anyway. And every moment they were together laughing and being romantic felt like a stab in my chest. The pain intensified from scene to scene until I think they were about to kiss.

I couldn’t take it. I turned the DVD player off, took out the disc and broke it in half.

That’s some mess right there! You’re not going to make me believe that some FINE man is gonna meet me, be nice to me and love my kids too. Come on!

Ain’t gonna happen. It ain’t!

My chest hurts.

My chest hurts.

I feel this pain in my chest.

This hurts.

The Block Party

I went to see the Dave Chapelle’s Block Party last night.

I didn’t want to waste a night at home when I didn’t have my kids so I got dressed and took myself to Aventura to see it. When I got to the movies I noticed that there wasn’t a lot of traffic and I didn’t have a problem with parking.

I have never gone to see a movie on opening night before but I found this to be a bit strange. I bought my ticket an hour in advance and then walked around the mall feeling a little weird. Um…when you go out to the movies by yourself, it doesn’t feel empowering, it feels kind of lonely. You have no one to talk to while you wait for the movie to start and once it’s done you have no one to talk to about the highs and lows of the movie.

But I’ll do it again. I’d rather go by myself than wait for some guy or chick to agree to go with me.

The theatre was not packed. In fact, I went in early thinking there was going to be a mad rush for seats. I was able to sit in my favorite seat, right in the middle of the theatre. When I sit in my favorite spot I feel as though I’m balancing the screen on my lap for the PERFECT view. The theatre started filling up after the movie started. It was a mixed crowd, half black and half white. I sat next to a group of guys who were talking about women as the movie started.

These were extremely cute white guys who looked like they belonged on the set of a college movie. One guy was upset that he couldn’t see his girlfriend. He was busy texting her on his phone while his friends laughed at him.

“She’s busy with her Mom man and she can’t get away but I don’t believe she expects me to stay in and wait for her.”
His friends all laugh and then one of them adds, “Tell her to choose between you and her Mom.”
The first guy responds, “Are you crazy?! I wouldn’t say that.”

As you can tell, I’m nibbling on my nachos and eavesdropping like a mutha.

“Why not?” his friend asks. “Let me tell you. All girls want the assholes. If you’re too nice to her, she won’t like you. And then when they get older they all want good guys but it’s gonna be too late because they’re already taken.”

Wow. I hear women say that all the time. I had no idea men felt this way too.

The previews started and there were some funny ones in there like a new movie from the Wayans Brothers. They are so stupid! LOL!

Then a preview for a movie about the ultimate bank robbery came on. The entire audience was intrigued as Denzel Washington was showcased as the movie’s lead through a seemingly predictable storyline. But as soon as the director’s name flashed across the screen, I could hear a collective gasp and I’m sure the thoughts running through their heads was the same as mine.

Directed By: Spike Lee

Whattttttt?!!!!!!!!!!

Spike Lee got a new movie?! Oh, I GOT to go see that. That’s my boy!

On to the movie.

Dave Chapelle’s Block Party is not what you think it is. It’s not a MOVIE with a plot and characters and a beginning, middle and end. It’s more like a documentary of Chapelle as he prepares to host a musical concert. He doesn’t do a stand-up set but he throws in a couple of one-liners here and there like:

“How many white people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”
I don’t know. How many?
“None, cuz they’d get a nigga to do it!”

I think Dave Chapelle got all the artists I like the most and put them on one stage together. It’s like he climbed inside my brain and picked the most intriguing artists in Hip Hop. You know I had a FIT when the super sexy, mega dreamy, damn that man’s line-up ALWAYS be on point–Kanye West performed first. ~shakes head~

I have no words for this man’s energy.

Talib Kweli performed with everyone. Mos Def’s fine behind was definately a highlight. Not only is his voice and his lyrics captivating, he has the looks of a superstar; chiseled arms, alluring eyes and a hypnotic smile. Brotha is FINE!

Georgeous music man Common performed as well as John Legend, Jill Scott, Erykah Badu, The Roots and Big Daddy Kane. While watching the movie I felt as though I was actually at the concert! Other audience members must have felt the same way because I could see them on the edges of their seats bouncing and throwing up their fists and reciting lyrics along with the artists. It was quite moving.

The backdrop to the concert was the famous city of Brooklyn, New York. They filmed next to a daycare center, the same center that Biggie used to attend when he was a baby.

Brooklyn, New York. I have a friend that lives there. I’m telling you Brooklyn looks so different from Miami. They have brownstones there. Like the Cosby show. The Black people seem to have a different flava there. Their vibe is totally different from the people down here in Miami. I really have to get up there and see for myself.

Dave reported that there were 5,000 Black people at his concert and about 19 white people peppered into the crowd.

I watched as a few of the audience members left the movie early. I could understand why. It wasn’t a real MOVIE, so if you left it wasn’t like you were gonna miss the grand finale.

They had no idea, they did. Don’t leave this movie early or you’ll miss the REAL Fugees Reunion.

Wyclef entered the stage first and did a number getting the crowd so hyped. Then he introduced Miss Lauryn Hill who came out to thunderous applause. Chick looked amazing as usual. That woman.

That woman.

I believe that women is the most beautiful woman in entertainment.

Lauryn Hill is the ultimate celebration of the beauty of the Black woman. Every physical feature, every breathe, every struggle, every gift- all point to the magic make-up of God’s greatest creation, the majestic Black woman.

Prazwell admitted to having tears in his eyes when he watched Lauryn perform, ‘Killing me Softly’. Remember that?

Do you REMEMBER when her album came out?

Do you REMEMBER how every song made you feel?

Do you REMEMBER instantly recognizing it as a classic?

Do you REMEMBER feeling proud that you were in the same age group as someone so magnificent?

As she performed ‘Killing Me Softly’, I couldn’t help but cry. I miss her. I miss her essence, I miss her presence, I miss her voice.

The perfect ending to the perfect concert. This movie inspired me to do my thang regardless of how people may perceive me. Every artist that represented on that stage were there, not because they won a contest, not because they are the mirror image of the Western World’s ideal of beauty.

They were there because their talent could NOT be denied!

My talent WILL NOT BE DENIED.

I may be a lil crazy, but f**it. I have a gift that I need to present to this world and I won’t have peace until it’s out there.

Heal Me

I had a nightmare last night.

I was helping a friend close up a convenience store and as part of the process I had to lock myself in while she was outside punching buttons and then leave through another door.

As I heard the lock click, I look to my left and there’s a man standing there inside the store with me. A guy from round the way, wearing a white tee and a pair of scuffed up sneakers.

I can tell he’s planning to rob the store but didn’t expect that I would be there. I close my eyes because I don’t want him to think that I would be able to identify him and all of a sudden Flava Flav shows up and leads me to a room somewhere and there are so many other people there, all of them chained to the wall. My chains aren’t tight and I realize that I will be able to take them off once he leaves.

I see a man looking at me. He looks like my friend Joe. Joe can see the fear in my eyes as Flava leaves me in the dungeon with the rest of the people. Joe looks at me and says, “You are a strong woman. You are resilient. You will get through this.”

I remove the chains and jump out the window, screaming and running for help. I reach some projects and I see a crowd outside. The women are all shaking their heads and talking excitedly. I ask them what happened and they point to a 2nd story apartment.

“See what happens when you ignore your neighbors?” a lady in a pink short set and hair curlers responds. “I KNEW I shoulda checked on her because she wasn’t answering calls, she wasn’t answering the door, but I just said, hey, let me leave her alone. She may be busy. Next time I promise I’m gonna INTRUDE.”

“What happened to her?” I ask.

“The last time I saw her she was walking out of her apartment with a plastic bag over her head.”

As she describes this I can see the woman walking out, as if it’s happening in front of me.

“And where is she now?”

“She’s dead. Dead. They found her dead. I know her man did it. He was crazy.”

I backed away slowly until I removed myself from the crowd. Then I ran and ran and ran until I woke up.

I woke up.

I woke up and realized that there is a demon I had been fighting. I wrestled with this demon for so long that I want to be free.

So here’s my plea. Here’s my announcement to you, to God and to anyone else. I can’t live like this anymore.

I have a supernatural fear of men.

I feel like every man wants to hurt me physically and emotionally.

Every man.

EVERY MAN!

There are no exceptions.

I feel like they want to kill me and crush my dreams. Like they hate me for being me and are out to destroy any hope I have of being happy.

Once I met a man who I thought was different. My former pastor. I trusted him. I looked up to him. I admired him. What happened?

You remember.

I told him that I planned to leave the church and he flipped it on me telling me that I was being immature and that I had no business making a decision like that by myself. He told me I should go to counseling for a couple months with one of the church Pastors before I make a decision like that. He told me that the church was my family and they should be the most important people in the world to me. He made me feel as though I had to choose between his church and my happiness and that I was walking away from God’s blessings on my life because I decided to leave.

Then he told me that since I left he was no longer my Pastor, but he could be a friend. Funny how after all this time, when he called me to tell me he’s moving to Miami he referred to himself as Pastor XYZ.

I thought you weren’t my Pastor anymore.

His presence scares me. Maybe I’m being irrational and thinking too much of myself but my fear is so real to me. I used to lie in bed at night trembling, waiting for my children’s father to come attack me. I felt as though he hated me so much that he would. I felt like somehow I had disgusted him to the point, or maybe I had embarrassed him to the point where he would rather see me dead than to have me be the mother of his children.

Sometimes I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I hate being like this. I hate thinking that every man is out to kill me or destroy my spirit.

I’m tired of living in fear.

So I put this out there because I know that once I face my inadequacies head on, God does a work in me.

I’m trusting in that for this situation too.

Heal me Lord.

Show me your power. Work within me. Change me.

Picture Time

I spent some time taking pictures yesterday to put on my new website. Immediately afterwards I came home and starting throwing up. And throwing up.

Yeah. My son passed on his sickness to me. Yuck…

~sigh~

I’m off to the bathroom again..

Take a peek at a few of the pictures taken by my friend Marsha and my sister BEFORE the sickness took over.

Kanye stopped by Miami beach for a quick picture with your girl…

SOLD!

I sold another story idea today. Whew!

GET IT DADDY!!!

I needed that. You know what’s funny? The ideas that actually SELL seem to be the most simple life observation stories. I won’t tell you the storyline in advance but I guarantee that many of you will be able to identify with it. I don’t get paid in advance and while I’m on the topic, I haven’t actually gotten PAID for the first story yet but I know it’s coming eventually.

So let me get back to my research.

Oh, things are going fine at work. I’m finally back to work and I was so busy today. I love being busy. I came up with three slogans for billboards and wrote copy for 3 press releases, closed out one project and opened another.

This job is kinda cool. I especially love working with the designers. I’m creative but not in a visual sense, so interacting with them inspires me in a different way. I admire people who are gifted in ways that I’m not. There’s a lot to learn in this company. Hopefully I can learn as much as I can before things get too crazy. I’m serious ya’ll. I’m still kinda nervous about my job. You know no job ever works out for me and that bothers me a little.

I end up getting on some people’s nerves somehow. LOL! It’s either my cheerful attitude or my eagerness to learn and do everything fast! I guess it can be annoying if someone comes along always asking questions and wanting to know about everything and they are always giving suggestions on how things could be improved and painting visions of a better company and a LARGER income level for everyone.

LOL! Yeah, that’s me all day! ~shakes head~

Some people are content just doing their job and here I come with these grand visions and suggestions and excitement constantly talking about PURPOSE and VISION and PERSISTENCE.

Lord, when am I gonna be in a place where having those qualities is a benefit and welcomed instead of laughed at and mocked?

~sigh~

In the meantime. I’m still hustling my writing skills and trying to keep my boys fed and happy.

And you know what? I am truly happy right now.

This is so wild!

Blank Pages

Did you know that press releases have a specific formula that they follow?

I found that out today when my company prez called me in and cussed me out for not following it. Yikes! LOL!

I didn’t care. I crave direction. I have an obedient heart. Just tell me how to fix it and I will. I only have a problem with people who have expectations of me and won’t clarify what they are. I’m no mind reader.

At the end of the day, a new team was formed to work with a national client. I thought it was a bit weird that there were 5 graphic designers, our communications VP and me. I’ll be writing all of the copy (words) for all of their marketing material, radio & tv spots, etc.

Five designers and me.

So we all sat down to look at our work timeline and get started on our first projects. The first task, a new logo and mail-out materials for the major conference being held in June. Our company president takes out two pieces of paper that are cut it in half and stapled together like a mini booklet. She sits it on the table and everyone looks at it.

Then she reads the conference theme to us and they all start throwing out ideas for the logo. I’m sitting there stunned. They are sketching away on their notepads and I’m trying to keep up with the visualization but I can’t.

These people look at a BLANK piece of paper and they can SEE something! That’s genius to me!

They come up with a visual concept in their minds, then they draw it on paper. Then they create it somehow on the computer and finally they produce it in a tangible form. Sometimes 3 dimensional products.

It starts with a BLANK PIECE OF PAPER people! Each time I’m amazed. How do they DO THAT?!

I have a new respect for graphic designers and I have MAD respect for the ladies over at The Cute Group for working with me on my new website. They have so much patience cuz I don’t know what I want, I just have a general idea but I’m also a perfectionist so if it isn’t JUST right I won’t let it slide. So pray for us as we work together putting together the main vehicle for the next stage in my career.

Ya’ll not gonna believe this but I sold another idea today. LOL! When it rains, it pours huh? Yeah. This particular editor had my pitches for over a month and never got back to me. She contacts me TODAY telling me that she’d like me to turn in one of my stories by this Friday at 5pm. ~smirk~

But…you know I like a challenge so off I go to write this piece for a print magazine that covers South Florida!

I have a few more pitches out there, let’s cross our fingers that they get approved!

Shake it Mama!

Twirk it! Twirk it!

Pop that thang!

Made For Me

I got another letter from my pen pal. He’s my cousin who is in prison. I still write him because I know I would want someone to think of me if I ever ended up there. It’s hard to write though because I don’t really know what to say. I can’t ask him how he’s doing. I can’t say I’ll see you soon. So I just print out a couple of my blog posts, sometimes I tear pictures of pretty women out of magazines and I send him those.

He sent me this picture that he had someone draw for me. I have a feeling that there is a lot of wasted talent in prison.

Ya’ll Don’t Know My Struggle,
Ya’ll Don’t Know MY Hustle

There’s a process to my side hustle that is very particular.

As a freelance writer you aren’t usually handed assignments and paychecks. No, no, no! It’s like this.

The first thing you have to do is develop a relationship with the publication of your choice. You can do this by emailing the freelance editor and introducing yourself or calling and asking for the Freelance Submission Guidelines. Also ask for a list of themes and deadlines for article submission.

The BEST way to break into the hearts of an editor is to call with a GREAT story idea that she can’t refuse. This is how I got through to the Miami Herald.

“Hi.I have a story idea that I’d like to share.”

“Really? What’s it about?”

“There’s a club right here in Miami that you can take your kids to! It’s amazing and clean and fun for the whole family! It’s really a place that you can relax and watch the kids have a great time while you do too!”

“Wow, what a great idea. Tell me a little more. Where is it?”

“It’s on 36th and NW 27th avenue. It’s called XYZ!”

“Thanks for the tip!”

“Excuse me! That wasn’t a tip. I’d like to write the story.”

Pause.

“What writing experience do you have?”

“I graduated with a degree in journalism from the University of Florida and I have experience in print and online magazines. I’m passionate and I love to write!”

“Hmmm… Do you have writing samples?”

“I sure do!”

“Well, go ahead and email me a few samples. We’re always looking for good freelance writers. There are plenty of freelancers out there, but we only want the GOOD ones.”

“Thanks so much. I’ll get those to you as soon as possible.”

I had my writing samples in her inbox within two hours.

Two days later I called her back and she asked me to call her back the following day. I followed instructions and she said, “Ok, we’ll give you a try. I’ll give you a month to do it and make it 700 words. Fill out a request for a photographer and get some good shots and we’ll see how it turns out.”

I screamed in her ear because I was soooo excited!

LOL! Yeah, I acted like a rookie. ~smile~

And I went out and WROTE THE HELL OUTTA THAT STORY! I had a great time writing it. It only took me a few hours. I never turn in a story that I am not salivating over. When i get done writing, I usually stand back and say, “DAMN! THAT WAS GOOD!” If I don’t have that feeling, I won’t turn it in.

But she didn’t publish it for weeks and weeks but when she did, I knew that I must have some kind of skills because the MIAMI HERALD published my story with very little, if any editing.

YAY!

And every week I try to send her at least 3 ideas. This is called pitching stories. I’m getting better at understanding what she is looking for and I’m sure over time she’ll accept most of my proposals.

I never write a story unless an editor has given it the green light. Sometimes after I write it, they don’t like the direction I went and won’t publish it. This has actually happened to me twice in the past but never again!

And I repeat the same process with other online and print magazines. My specialty is FEATURE stories. The stories about people and their lives.

I love my side hustle.

How successful I am depends on how hungry I am. And ladies and gentlemen you KNOW I need a housekeeper so I gotta keep it shakin!

Edit
************
Check out this article on the Bittervibes blog about freelancing. It was a great read and confirmed that I’m headed down the right path and doing things the right way.

Sickness and Closed Doors

During the early morning hours I woke up to a familiar movement at the foot of my bed. I didn’t even open my eyes I just waited until I felt a soft body press against my side. But this time the body felt warmer than usual. The entire length of the body was HOT and I sprang up immediately, eyes still half closed and walked to the bathroom. I opened the cabinet and found the thermometer then I walked back to my bed to see which child was running a fever.

My eyes adjusted to the darkness and I saw that it was my 5 year old son. “Are you okay?” I asked him.
“Yes I am.”
“Well, you’re very hot right now. Let me take your temperature.”

A minute later I give him some tylenol and we both go to sleep.

In the morning my hand finds his forehead and I can tell his fever has not broken. He says he’s fine but I’m getting worried. For some reason I’m thinking, “Am I doing something wrong as a mother? Why do my sons keep getting sick?”

I don’t get it. It seems like they are sick often because there are two of them. I have to realize that there’s nothing I can do to prevent some sicknesses but I constantly blame myself for anything that goes wrong.

He’s in the bed now resting. His fever still hasn’t broken and I’m nervous. I called the doctor and he said to medicate the fever and watch for other symptoms and to bring him in on Monday morning if he’s not better.

The Cute Group, not so cute
Review of The Cute Group Design Team

To add insult to injury I got an early morning email from the designers I have been working with on my site. I’m reading it as I watch my son’s temperature get higher.

I have decided that I am thoroughly dissatisfied with their services and we have dissolved our relationship. It kinda got me down for a minute. I don’t have much money and dumping my money into this project was a big investment for me. They didn’t refund all of my money saying that they would keep a portion for services rendered. Huh? I asked for a web site design and hosting. I did not get that.

I do not recommend working with The Cute Group unless you are going in with a completed design idea and a wealth of knowledge about the web design business. Those of us who know nothing about the process will get lost in their impersonal back and forth communication style.

My suggestions for the company:
1) Develop a contract for new clients detailing packages that you offer or a list of services and their prices BEFORE you accept their money. It wastes time to begin and then realize that what you are actually offering for the price quoted does not meet the needs of the client.

2) Make a work plan. This outlines what will be done in what time frame and also lets the client know what they need to do to make the process easier. Ex: Day 1- Theme: Client will provide ideas for a theme and colors any photos and an outline of the pages they wish to have included. Designer will present two drafts of design to choose from.

3) Assign each client ONE designer as the main communicator for the project. Others may contribute behind the scenes but when multiple people are interjecting their thoughts, communication styles to a client via e-mail, there is much room for a misunderstanding in tone and intention.

4) Introduce yourself by telephone and introduce the other members of your staff that may contact the client. I would receive emails from people I had never heard of and it made me feel like my project was being thrown around between them.

5) If the client is not satisified with the design or services NEVER try to blame the client for the experience. I was told, “But you didnt (ask), so we were sure that you, just as others that we deal with, knew what you were getting and more importantly what you were wanting.” Don’t assume, make life easy for both client and service provider by explaining even the most simple details. Or ask, “May I explain the process to you before we begin?” I knew exactly what I wanted on each page, but as far as design, I hired the group to do that. Show me what you can do and let me give feedback.

My concern during this process was that I have no experience in design. They asked for ideas and I gave them to them. Two ideas to be exact but they were completely different. I asked them to do drafts of the two so that I could choose and I was told that mockups take too much time. They asked for pictures. I told them that I would take some. When I gave them the pictures they asked me if I had any with plain backgrounds. I was annoyed. If you wanted pictures with plain backgrounds you could have told me and that is what I would have done.

This company assumes that the client will know just what to do and what they are getting without the aid of any written documents. I told them upfront that I did not know a thing about any of this or the program that they were going to use to design it. I suggested that they draft a contract so that I could see what I’m getting. No response on this suggestion.

When I worked with Courtney, she was a gem. We actually got a design that I was falling in love with. She even went the extra mile of adding me to her IM so that we could chat while she designed. I loved that! But another person, whose title and position still remains unclear to me, named JR was often curt and asked me if I wanted to consider working with someone else as if he was annoyed by my questions.

All in all I am sad that I had to pay them $100 (the portion of the money that they are not refunding) just to have some email conversations and a bad attitude. I chose this group, because the owner is a blogger in our community and she’s Black and I wanted to support other bloggers in whatever way I can. I realize now that when it comes to business, that wasn’t a very smart move. Business decisions shouldn’t be made on emotions. But I am quite sure that this door is closing with all of it’s limitations because another one with more to offer, will open soon.

New website To Be Announced in the Future!