Butterflies
I had a heart to heart with my friend Tonya last night.
What am I saying? Most of my conversations are heart to heart convos. But this one was different because she was cussing me out about something I did/said to another friend of mine. When I say “cussing me out” I only mean getting on my case because she didn’t agree with my actions. It’s funny how I’m the one who told her the story. Most people will retell a story and flower it to make themselves look good but I try to be as accurate as I can.
After the convo with her I was upset and my mind wondered to 2005 and how I lost two friends of mine. No, they didn’t die, I just lost respect for them because of their actions and decided that it was no longer beneficial to be in their company. The sad part is, I miss the fun we had together but once trust is gone from a friendship, there’s really nothing left.
You have to be smart enough to move on at that point. If not, all you have is a phony relationship where both of you are always on the defense and waiting for each other to mess up. That’s not a friendship, that’s a war. We war with ourselves enough that we don’t need the same with our friends.
Then I started to think about who I am today and I must admit I’m very judgemental. I SAY I’m not but I really am. I have this strict system of right and wrong and if you cross those lines, well, I can’t really be friends with you. I lose respect for you and you can’t gain it back.
In my mind I can hear my sister saying, “What about forgiveness, Tee?”
Well, what about forgiveness?
I think I forgive the people who lose my respect but I won’t trust them again. Does my mistrust cancel out my forgiveness? Maybe. Maybe not. But that’s my heart right now and I’m sad to say that recently a few of my friends have crossed the line with me, not by doing me dirty, but by being themselves.
I had noticed these little idiosyncracies before but because I know I’m slightly crazy and messy and possessive and rude sometimes and annoying, I decided that I had to overlook them because I’m sure they forgive me on many occasions.
Now it seems like I don’t want to forgive. I’m like, “leave me alone, go find someone with limited dreams like you have and who won’t care that you lie sometimes and cheat sometimes and don’t value yourself.” When you have people around you who settle for less, they encourage you to settle for less too.
I don’t want people like that around me anymore.
So what do I do? Stop speaking to friends that I’ve had for years and years? Naw. I still love them, just like I still love the friends I lost last year due to mistrust. I’ll just love them from a distance.
Speaking of distance, Sylvia is leaving Miami. Yep, the chick met her a guy a while back and she’s in love and she’s moving to the city where he is so they can live together and have babies and stuff. I’d be a little more sad about her leaving if I wasn’t so busy. I haven’t seen Sylvia in months because I don’t have time to just parlay like we used to. I’m always writing or trying to make connections. Plus, every weekend she was traveling to see her man. Things shifted at the same time for us, which was a good thing. Neither one of us had time to miss each other.
I wonder what the future will bring. She was the only chick in Miami that I hung out with just doing nothing but watching TV. I don’t really watch TV though, but I wonder if there will be someone new in my life if I ever get some downtime.
Hopefully I won’t get any down time. Hopefully I’ll be so busy that hanging with friends or getting felt up by a man never crosses my mind.
Tomorrow is a really big day for me. I can’t believe I’m this nervous. I’m doing a trial run as a host for a digital network show. It’ll be me doing a Q&A with an industry leader. I drafted the script today and submitted it for approval. Tomorrow morning I do a dry-run and if she likes me I’ll tape the 5 minute episode in the afternoon.
I’m so scared. So scared. This is all happening so fast! It’s freaking me out. I sell myself a lot in life and on this blog and… on the real, I always deliver. But what if this time I’m not good enough?
Umm… yeah right. This is Ms. Tee. I can’t lose at this type of stuff. ~shrugs~ Well, I don’t understand why I’m so nervous then. If I KNOW I’m gonna be great because this is what I was born to do, then why am I freaking out? I keep expecting something bad to happen, but it hasn’t.
Today the VP of my division and I had a chat and she asked me how things were going. I told her that I am fine and that I am trying to be an asset to the company. She told me that she was impressed by the positive comments about my work that she saw consistently from our company president.
I shrugged and said, “I thought those were standard. I mean, I thought she says that to everybody.”
She raised her eyebrow and said, “No she doesn’t. Believe me. She doesn’t.”
I seem to be on a winning streak. But when you feel like you deserve to lose, it can be a hard pill to swallow.
I’m still healing ya’ll… I’ll be alright.
