Author: TPatterson

sent to me in an email by none other than Bren.

Addictions

Never put heroin before a heroin addict, he may succomb to it

Never put crack cocaine before a crack addict, he may succomb to it

Never put liquor before an alcoholic, he may succomb to it

Never put a sales paper with nothing but shoes, Nine West, Enzo Angiolini, Two Lips, or Rampage in front of me, cause I can’t handle it. I may go out and buy them damn shoes they are advertising at Belks, so why my coworker want to do this to me I have no idea! Ya’ll pray my strength in the Lawd!

Yowsa!

I went back there.

I went down to the foodstamp office today and re-applied. I visited my archives and saw that just 4 months ago I said gooddbye to my last government issued source of money.

I went down there after realizing that I don’t have money for food and I didn’t want to hear my baby daddy mouth if I had to ask him for more money. I thought I would feel like a loser. I thought I would feel dumb, but I didn’t. I felt something else…

While I sat there watching other women with families come in to apply for benefits, my heart went out to them. When I was in college it was The THING to have foodstamps. Everyone was doing it. We used to eat LOVELY off of the government, which is a perk that college students can take advantage of if they work part-time. I remember sitting in the foodstamp office back then thinking, “Wow, these ppl really need this help. I’m so glad I’m only doing this for now. I’m so glad that I will graduate and never have to come back in here again.”

Well, I’m back.

I started thinking about my first job out of college. Remember when I started working at the VA Hospital back in January? I hated it. Hated it. Hated it. But I didn’t quit because my former Pastor told me that quitting a job while I had a family to support is selfish. So I was miserable and I stayed. And I cried and I stayed and I looked for other jobs and I stayed until I got heartburn everytime I even passed by the street that the hospital was located on.

But the point is… I stayed. I stayed because my children come before my happiness. Why didn’t I do that this time? The entire time I was at the foodstamp office I thought about my situation. I wasn’t there becuase I was unemployable and desperate; I was there because I did not feel appreciated at my job and I felt very disrespected. Appreciation and Respect; two emotions. My kids are back on government assistance because I was emotional.

I’m emotional and I can’t afford to take my sons to the barber shop and I have to give them messed up home haircuts with broke down clippers. I’m emotional and I have to get my son’s grandmother to buy their school uniforms.

I’m emotional and selfish as hell. Lots of ppl work jobs they hate because they have to. Why do I think I’m better than anyone else? I don’t care if my publisher told me to kiss her ass. She can do that, she’s handing out the checks. I did have to kiss her ass if I wanted to get paid. Look at lil ol me thinking I’m so bad that I can just go and tell that woman that I deserve more money. I NEEDED that job. Now I have nothing. Nothing.

All over my pride. I should have just sucked it up and smiled. Ppl get beat down everyday but they don’t just walk away and let their families suffer. Naw, but me, I’m too good for that. I’m almight Tee. All my life I have thought that there was something special about me. On the real, I always received special treatment. But today, standing in that foodstamp office, I realized, I am just like everyone else.

Just a woman on a mission trying to take care of her family. Just a woman with hope in her heart and too foolish to let go. Just a woman with a vision and the drive to achieve it. Just a woman who wants to be loved and to love unconditionally. I’m just a woman…like a lot of others. I make mistakes too.

I’m sorry kids.

Q: Who is this?

A: Someone on my blog list. Guess who.

Wait a minute…

Excuse me for being ignorant because I don’t watch the news. We’re in the middle of Hurricane Season and there is actually a hurricane that is headed our way. For those of you who have never experienced a hurricane, you are blessed. So many lives taken, so much damage, lives destroyed. They have already canceled schools near where I live. They have us designated to go to a shelter.

I’m real non chalant about it cuz I’ve been away for the past six years and it didn’t really affect us in North Central Florida. And since I dont watch the news I’m not getting scared by the minute by minute tracking that all the news channels are doing. I went hurricane shopping and the stores were packed. No water left on the shelves. People are boarding up their houses and I heard ppl in the store saying they were leaving town.

I experienced several storms in my day, but none was worse than Hurricane Andrew back in 92. We had never seen a storm do so much damage. Imagine driving around your neighborhood seeing roofs torn off, huge trees uprooted like twigs thrown on the ground. School was canceled for weeks. There was no electricity, no hot water. It was so hot!

On top of all that, the job offer that I got has not contacted me to start yet. I called them up today to see what was going on and they said the HR manager needed to speak with me about my background check. I’m confused. I never even got a ticket before. I had been arrested for being in a fight before but that was expunged because I took some classes. I can’t imagine what the problem is.

I’m staying hopeful despite the difficult circumstances. I believe its all a part of my testimony. No one can minister to those in pain better than someone who has actually been through pain. That’s why God sent His son Jesus to earth; to actually feel our pain so when we come to him with our troubles He would understand and empathize. Every breaking point you’ve been through Jesus has felt it, ten times worse. So, He knows and hurts with you, but promises that if you abide in Him and His word lives within you, you will be okay.

So, be comforted that since the day you gave your life to Him, He took over and will be carrying you through.

Much Love.

Here’s the question on my heart. Is every man on the down low?



My little sis has a bestfriend who is gay and hearing the stories that this dude tells is mind blowing.

I read that book On the Down Low by J.L. King. I didn’t really like it because I only like to read good writing and you can tell he’s not a real writer but others have said it was very informative. It just made me feel sad for gay men.

It seems like they operate out of lust, not love and the whole gay thing is about having sex and nothing more. But my sister disagrees. She says gay men have the same emotional ups and downs in their relationships that heterosexual relationships do. I just can’t imagine a man getting all emotional over another man. I mean, aren’t most men programmed to be emotionless?

So now, when I meet a man I’m forced to think about the possibility of him being with other men. It annoys me that I have this mind set but I can’t help it anymore. If the statistics are really true, whatever the book listed, this is really crazy. Look at these guys I saw on BP. I would have easily been taken in by some of them, they call themselve fyne DL nigs. They’re all supposedly on the down low.

My girl Tonya had me rolling when she told me that she met a man who was georgeous and educated and during their first conversation she asked him if he was familiar with the down low lifestyle. He said he was very offended and he mentioned to a mutual friend of theirs that he thought Tonya was too aggressive. But then he kept asking the friend if she thought he looked like he was gay. In fact, he kept questioning the friend as to why someone would ever think he could be down for something like that. Tonya says she thinks she hit a sore spot. She thinks he is gay for real.

Man, I dont know. I wonder if molestation as a child has something to do with men becoming gay. I mean, if a child’s first sexual experience or pleasurable experience is with someone of the same sex, wouldn’t they continue to associate that same feeling of pleasure with being with someone of the same sex?

I’m a little overly concious about this subject because I have two boys and I don’t want them to have to deal with that. I do want them to have men in their lives on a consistent basis because I can’t teach them everything they need to know, but I’ll be damned if some man is gonna touch my sons inappropriately and mess them up. I guess I am also afraid of them being molested because I was molested when I was younger. By someone that I would have totally not expected to do it. It blew my mind and confused me and scarred me in different ways.

Child-rearing is serious business and I understand that I can’t protect my boys from everything, but I want to. There’s so much to watch out for these days it’s no wonder why so many ppl are single or in messed up relationships.

I hope my desire to be loved never outweighs my common sense. My boys come first.

Blogging til the POWER goes out!

We’re all ready to face the storm. Well, as ready as we can be. I don’t live so close to the water so I don’t think that they will make us evacuate. Everyone was running around like crazy today trying to fill up their cars with gas. If the storm hits us, then electricity will be off and no one will be able to get any gas. So there I was at 7am in the ridiculous line at the gas station. I was lucky, most gas stations are closed because they ran out of gas. There is no more water in the stores, ppl are substituting with Gatorade. Everyone in the hood is stocking up on liquor. Anna called me and said, “You think it’s bad for me to get a bottle to ride out with during the storm?” I responded, “Girl, no. In fact, me and my boys will be over there with you.”

EMAIL!

I received an email question today that really had me thinking. The question was: Do you think Jesus ever felt inadequate? The young lady was asking because she was a little discouraged because of her job situation and she wanted to know if Jesus could understand her feelings.

Here is my response:

Life after college…I don’t think anyone is really prepared for the working world although it seems we spend half our lives preparing ourselves through education. As much as I like to plan and strategize, I still didn’t have a clue what I was gonna do after I graduated.

College is this big false reality all in itself. We’re all so happy go lucky in school, (well some of us,) dreaming of the day when we graduate and head off to plush jobs that satisfy our need to be getting paid for our passions. Most times, we find that what we want to do and what we are doing are mismatched.

You are feeling inadequate? Why? Inadequacy is the feeling of not being good enough, or being incapable of doing something. You know you are capable, there are just limited opportunities to prove your capability.

But like I said before, I create my own opportunities because I believe I can do anything, (except math). You can pray for an opportunity to come your way or you can ask for wisdom to create your own opportunity. I would choose the latter. In the meantime, I would do what I love to do for free. That’s why i have my blog. I write for free, I have an audience, I’m doing what I love to do most, being honest about my life so that ppl can see my heart and realize that the success I will attain is not because of my own efforts, but God’s favor on my life. My ministry is my transparency and my heart to see others achieve success in their lives.

What is yours?

Your question about Jesus feeling inadequate is a good one. I thought about it for a minute and I concluded that even if there was no mention of Him feeling that way in the Bible, you have to know that He understands what you are feeling. He understands.

He probably didn’t feel inadequate because he knew His purpose for being here. He knew that God sent Him to die for us, and since He was confident that His mission was God’s will for His life, He could not doubt His ability to do the assigned work. God wwouldn’tsend Him if He wasn’t capable.

Once you figure out what God wants you to contribute to this world, you have to have that same confidence that He gave you that mission because He knows you are capable. Inadequacy is just a trick of your heart to make you think that you aren’t up for the challenge. But you are, if you know what you are here for and God has spoken to your heart.

There are times when I feel like I’m on this grand journey that seems crazy because of the obstacles that I face. Who knew that my being arrested would become an issue with employers? It has. But… there is not ONE DAY that I doubt what I KNOW God sent me here to do. I just can’t see the journey, and that’s okay… Cuz I know I was sent and I am capable.

Gain that knowledge about what you are supposed to do and sow your confidence in Christ and not yourself.

Be encouraged.



After Yolanda emailed me about one of my last posts I was amazed that she pinpointed exactly why I was restless. My main objective right now is to achieve security for my family. I can’t just relax because I’m constantly thinking of ways to make more money or jumpstart my career so I can get paid. I just want my boys to grow up better than I did. Granted their father is an attorney and he contributes a lot for their education. I still have to make sure they have a roof over their heads, and hopefully a nice roof.

My problem is, I’m trying to force a situation that has already been taken care of. Since I know that God gifted me with wisdom and an encouraging word for the masses, then I must have confidence that He will take care of my family until His will is fulfilled. I know that I am capable of doing a lot but my heart won’t rest because I want it now. And that may not be God’s plan for me.

The thing about blogging is you have a record of your thoughts and sometimes you have to remind yourself of words that God spoke into your heart. Today I saw an old post that encouraged me. I’ll share a bit of it with you.

“Each step in your journey is just as important as the next. Everything builds from the bottom step. Don’t get frustrated at your humble beginnings. God has a plan if you will just allow Him to guide you. ” -Ms. Tee

Hurricane Weekend

A brief glimpse into my weekend:

Restless kids

No school today boys.

No school! No school! Yay!

Can we go to the park?

No, there’s a storm coming.

When?

Later.

Is it still coming Mommy?

Yes.

When?

Later.

I wanna go to the beach. Can we go Mommy?

No, I told you there’s a storm coming.

When?

Later.

I wanna watch TV.

Can’t. The power is out.

So, what are we gonna do?

Uh, get your coloring book.

I don’t know where the crayons is, Mommy.

Where the crayons, ARE!

Can’t find them. None of them.

Well sit right here with me. This is a boat. And if you step off the boat the sharks will eat you.

~Looks at me with a puzzled expression~ This is a boat?

Yes.

No, this not a boat. This a couch and no sharks on the floor, Mommy.

Man…

Ok, well then look out the window and tell me when the storm gets here.

OK. Hey.. Is that it? Behind the tree? Is that the storm?

No.

Is the storm gonna get us?

Only if you act up.

No power, no internet. Feeling the blues.. INSIDE MY BRAIN…

I wish this doggone thing would hurry up and come through.

Everybody text messaging me asking me if I’m alright but I’m just mad cuz I can’t write.

I have a hundred stories in my head to tell, but not one of them can be recorded cuz there’s no power. Let me think about my life… Uh, no, that will make me feel bad, let me think about Racole’s life. Yeah, she’s doing her thing in Cali. Gonna be out of there in 4 years with a JD and an MBA. Gotta make sure she gets a good job, just in case I need a sponsor. Dang girl, that’s messed up. When we lived on the same block, we hardly ever spoke to each other. Now that she’s in Cali, we speak everyday. I guess we took our close proximity for granted.

What’s Ruby up to? Girl, know she be wilding out. Very friendly chick. Dresses cute. I wonder what she’s been buying up in Atlanta. I think Ruby is the prettiest chick I know next to me ofcourse. Ofcourse, I’m biased cuz I think dark-skinned women are more exotic looking. Her teeth look fake though. I never seen teeth so big and shiny and straight.

Man.. I can’t believe I got arrested. It was one of the lowest points of my life, if not THE lowest. Imagine that craziness. I’m 8 months pregnant, fight with my baby daddy and I go to jail over that. And I didn’t even get a good hit in. If I knew I was gonna go to jail, I should popped him with a frying pan or something. Never went to court. Never got charged. Just took some classes and I thought it was over. I guess it’s not…

What the hell is wrong with me? I’m the only person I know with so much drama in my life. I’m the only chick I know with two kids. Heck, most of my friends don’t have ANY kids at all. Dang.. why when you sit down to think about your life, those messed up situations come to mind first?

Think Happy Thoughts. Happy Thoughts…

Like, the time I went to Tampa last year, he, he for Thanksgiving break. He, he! Whoo- hooo! Naw, I ain’t telling that story. He, he, he… What’s up Daniel?

I always smile when..I pick my sons up from school in the afternoon. They RUN to me and hug me and I know they miss me. That’s love right there.

Ooh- I had this wonderful dream last night. Starring me and Will Smith.

He came to see me late at night. Tired from a hard day’s work. I told him to lie down and to be quiet so he wouldn’t wake the kids. He obliged. I sat there watching him sleep, wondering how lil ‘ol me could steal him away from Jada so easily. But, I guess, if you got it, you got it and why question fate?

We woke up and he told me he had to go. I encouraged him to make a difference with his celebrity status. I gave him a speech about uplifting others and making positive choices. He leaned over and told me to give him a kiss. Since I’m so shy I tried to kiss him on the cheek but he turned his head and we kissed for real. I still remember the warmth of that kiss. ~sigh. Twas a beautiful thing.

That’s as close as I’ve been to some action in a minute. I guess that’s a good thing.

No problems with the storm so far. I hope it stays that way.

I wanna be loved…

Not for who you think I am

Or who you want me to be

Love me for me

Real love, with no strings attached

I wanna give you my heart

Don’t wanna take it back

This song reminds me of my first date. I don’t remember who wrote it, but it had a Jamaican beat to it. My first “official” date happened two days before I graduated from highschool. My parents were just like, “Oh, well! Do what you wanna do!” They had previously forbidden all dates for my whole life but I guess they were feeling like their reign was over since I was about to leave for Cincinnatti to spend the summer before going away to college.

My first date’s name was Love. No, I’m serious. His name was Love. I saw it on his driver’s liscense. He was this really FINE Haitian guy who had been after me for a while. I met him soon after I broke up with my highschool sweetheart Bernard. He kept trying to talk to me at school but I was still in love and I kept telling him that he couldn’t compare to Bernard. He was persistent, even annoying at times but I haven’t seen this type of assertiveness in a man since I met him.

That first date was the worst date I ever had. I bet he probably thought that I wasn’t going to say Yes, since I had turned him down so many times, so he wasn’t prepared financially. How about he took me to the movies and told me that he couldn’t buy me any snacks if I wanted to go out to dinner afterwards. Then, after the movie he took me to McDonald’s and then took the scenic route to his house.

I’m like, “What?”

I saw him once since I left for college. He told me that he was married with a kid, but that he still held on to the letter I wrote him. I sat there confused wondering, “What letter?” He pulled it out of his glove compartment. Whoa! At the time, it had already been 4 years since I wrote that. To be honest, I still don’t recall what it said, but it really showed me how much this guy had been thinking of me.

I guess I’m in this romantic mood cuz I was reading The Blog of The Week and she writes a lot about her relationship. Plus, I’ve been having all kind of dreams about food and love. Just food and love. Not really love, but I guess the prelude to it, where you meet a cute guy and he’s feeling you and you’re feeling him and there’s so much chemistry.

I haven’t had chemistry with anyone besides Joe, who I had to leave alone because being with him was starting to make me feel bad about myself. I have had enough of those kind of relationships in my life, where the man says one thing but his actions say the exact opposite. Joe means well, but..I’ll leave it alone. In another lifetime maybe. But I still love him like a play cousin.

I’m about to take out my braids and see how much progress my afro has undertaken. I’m trying to grow it long enough to put into a ponytail. But who knows if I’ll have the patience for that. I may just shave it all off like my picture. I loved that little low-cut. I couldn’t even brush it, it was so short. I havent cut my hair since April and it doesn’t seem to be growing like I want it to. It looks like this. But I want it to look like this. I guess I’ll just have to be patient.

Until the next time the wind blows. Maybe a lil love will come my way.

Back to the grind for you guys…

Ok. Ok. So I had no idea what Labor Day was actually about. It’s a holiday, that’s about all I knew.

Just a quick line to let everyone know that we are okay. Very little rain, a LOT of wind but nothing to worry about. I really enjoyed the breeze but I HATED being held hostage in my house for four days by the sensationalized media and their predictions of a hurricane. But, better safe than sorry I guess. I can’t wait to drop these kids off to school in the morning. Uniforms ironed, lunch bags packed, shoes lined up at the door. I’m ready!

Here’s an interesting blog that I am sure you will enjoy. It’s called Prison Pete. There’s an editor who gets all of these letters from a guy in prison. He posts them on a blog and even sends Pete copies of the comments that ppl make. It’s pretty interesting reading.

Until next time, enjoy the sunshine!

Ring O’ Fire



This name was affectionately given to me by Colita after I told her that my afro is now bright orange. Oh my gosh! What’s a sista gonna do- I have a speaking engagement on Friday morning? Thats what I get for letting my friends play in my hair.

It’s wild how we grow and watch our friends grow. After reading Muvie’s 100 Why List ( BTW- I’m talking about Ruby- I call her Muvie cuz my son couldn’t pronounce her name and he would call her Muvie) I was floored. That chick rode out! I remember when I first met Muvie. She was so stank. She thought she was running thangs on the yard. This chick even rolled her eyes at me when I said Hi to her in the student government office.

Funny how we kept bumping into each other cuz we were in the same college and sometimes we struck up conversations just to be cordial- ya know- Black women being professional about their business. Then when I moved to a bigger apartment after I had my second son, who was my new neighbor- Muvie. In fact, she had just moved across the way, out of the very apartment that I was moving into. #402 Brings back memories for both of us.

We started kicking it and that was it. I admired a lot about her. She was bolder than I was and younger and more stylish. She seemed to be pretty “together” about hers but I really fell in love when I realized that she was just like me on the inside, hoping for a bright future and ambitious enough not to rely on hope alone.

Believe it or not it’s only been a year and a half since I’ve known her. I can’t believe it myself. She ranks up there among the select few who have actually gotten close to me and withstood the storm. I can be a bit much at times.

Jackson G’s blog has me thinking about all of the cool friends I made in college. In fact, besides my two bestfriends from highschool and Dianna, all of my friends are chicks from Gainesville. They’ve been around for years. With the exception of Muvie, I met all of them before I even had kids. So they’ve seen me be wild and crazy and watched as I accepted Christ and most of them have too. I know it has been rough for them to watch so much drama unfold in my life, but I thank God that none of them walked away.

Sorry, I’m so sentimental. But for the past 6 years my GIRLS have been my family. I had no mama around to hold me while I was going through my pregnancies alone. I didnt have any daddy to send me money when I was broke. Shit was deep- but my girls saw me through.

Watching everyone leave was very hard on me. If you remember it was just 3 weeks after Muvie (Ruby) moved to Atlanta that I moved back down to Miami. I couldn’t live like that anymore. I had only one friend left- and she was getting married- PLUS I hated my job.

Ahhhh.. I once heard somewhere that friends are the family you get to choose. I don’t think I chose my friends though. I believe they were a gift.

And I am so grateful for them.