Author: TPatterson

THINGS I HATE

Ugh!

I hate it when…

I meet someone new and they rush home to request me as a friend on facebook- Ugh! Who the fuck are you? Nosey ass! I changed my name on FB because of that.

People I would never, ever be friends with in person, read my blog to see what’s going on with me. You are officially a STALKER. You suck too!

I’m literally 2 seconds away from using the bathroom and I pee in my pants because my zipper is stuck.

Women try to criticize me. Deep inside I know they do it because they think I’m prettier and smarter than them. Ain’t my fault! Um- Maybe next lifetime bitch!

Men I want to be cool with try to touch me. If I wanted to screw you, we’d be done by now. Nobody wants your nasty penis!

Women meet me and fall in love with me fast and all they have to say is, “You’re so pretty!” You’re shallow! Shut up and leave me alone!

My socks come up missing!

I’m waiting forever for the bus to come and then when I decide to start walking, the damn bus drives right by. Ugh!

My internet connection is DOWN. Don’t TALK TO ME!

They put food on sale and you try it because its cheap and then they raise the price once you’re addicted to it. DAMN SCAMMERS!

People’s emails get hacked and spammers send out virus’s! I block your damn email address.

I see pimples on my face and I know it’s because I eat too many desserts at work! Damn my employee discount!

I walk up to a taxi to get a ride and the driver has no shirt on and he’s barefoot and picking at his toes. Ya’ll some nasty mofo’s!

People I work with google me and follow my online life without telling me about it but I can always tell because they change their behavior toward me even when I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THEM. Hate that shit!

People make promises they don’t keep.

Ok. I lost my hate vibe again so I have to do another list.

Things I LOVE

I love it when…

I get an email from someone I like and they write, “Wanna go out sometime?” I never pretend I’m busy when I’m not so I’m like- Hell yeah!

Cigarettes are on sale.

Someone I know starts their own business! Excites me!

My son calls me and says, “Mommy, when can we come spend the night with you?” and I get to say, “I have a night off this weekend so come on!”

My sons holds my hand in public.

My sons call me and tell me stories like, “We’re at the mall BY OURSELVES!” and I’m like, “OMG! For real? Be cool. Don’t run around and knock things down. If you see a cute girl say, ‘Hey lil Mama just to make her smile.'”

My sons laugh at my jokes. They understand my raunchy sense of humor.

I get a table full of gay guys at the restaurant. I fall in love with each and every one of them.

Someone takes me out to dinner. Free food tastes the best.

I’m with a man and he stares at me with glossy eyes like he’s in love. Inside my head I think, “He’s cute. Now let me see what I can do to get on his nerves.”

Someone I dated (LOL) in the past finds me to tell me that they have compared every woman to me and none beat me. Duh!

I go to the beach by myself and no one talks to me. I can just think and think and think. I feel like a sophisticated lady who enjoys her own company.

The cooks at my restaurant get my order just right and the food comes out looking so good, so crisp. It secretly arouses me sexually for some reason.

My roommates dogs bark when they see me and they jump on me with their little paws. Makes me happy!

A package comes in the mail. Yes!

I find a new erotic literature website to read. Yum!

I didn’t sleep at all last night.

Well, simply because I’m not used to sleeping because I’m supposed to work. But, when I went to work yesterday I saw that all my weekend night shifts had been given to someone else, which gave me a whole WEEK off from work. Thank God, I’m a good saver or I’d freak out but really, I told myself, “This was supposed to happen. Maybe you’re not supposed to be there. Let them have the shifts, you are ALWAYS more than okay. This job is going to be a memory one day. Do not sweat it at all.”

So I felt better.

It’s weird how I can look someone in the face and in that moment I KNOW that they are not going to be a part of my future. It totally changes the dynamic of the relationship when I realize that. Things they say and do don’t bother me because I know they’re going to be just a memory one day soon.

And then all night long I was plotting and planning my next moves. I am so excited about my plans but very nervous because as usual, no one I ever met would ever try to do the things I am about to do so I have no one to go to for guidance at all. It’s like venturing off into the wilderness with no map- all I have is my intuition. I sure wish I had more intellectually sound entrepreneurs around me. ~sigh~

I also had an awesome surprise. The older guy I met during my project came by today with my favorite foods. It was weird to see him again after more than a month of not hearing from him. My feelings aren’t the same for him. I don’t feel that THING that I had, that hopeful, happy feeling anymore. I think when I didn’t hear from him for so long, it really hurt me, and now my feeling for him is tainted. When he came, he brought me my favorite foods. Like, literally, he had snow crab legs, steamed shrimp and my favorite chocolate cookies. If he had brought some buffalo wings with blue cheese, I would have probably molested his ass. OMG!

I don’t know what it is about food but it turns me on. Well, you know, food turns me on, gay men turn me on, learning turns me on, entrepreneurs turn me on, (some) women with natural hair and bright smiles turn me on.

Anyway, as he walked up to the door I studied his face. He’s definitely my type. I always tend to be attracted to men who look like him but he’s older. He hugged me. This was the very first time our bodies have ever touched. Besides a kiss on the cheek I have never kissed him either.

He hugged me a BUNCH of times, telling me, “Since it’s Friday, you can one more hug and I won’t charge you.” I smiled and took a step toward him and he squeezed me and whispered in my ear, “Stay strong.”

I hate it when he says that because the last time he said that- right after I got into that INCIDENT and then I was arrested. I think he’s psychic and he can see the future or somethng so I’m a little scared.

He’s very much complimentary to me. He always tells me how special I am and how he believes in me. I don’t get it though. I haven’t done much of anything and no one in this town even respects the work I do or acknowledges it except him. My paranoia tells me that he doesn’t really care either. It tells me that he’s a charmer who wants to hurt me too. He’s trying to get close so he can hurt me like all the rest. Since he already has by disappearing for over a month, I am not at ease with him anymore.

But he did bring me my favorite foods and he did give me a hug so I don’t know. I just really wish I had that feeling back- the feeling I had when I first met him. I felt so much like a woman when I was with him. I felt desired and pretty and respected and safe. Now I just feel like I’m something to do in his spare time. That’s not a good feeling.

BUT- I still have some shrimp left so that nervous energy from seeing him again will go away once I finish that bowl! That really made me happy. Whatever his motives are- at least I got to eat and be happy all day!

Look at my baby!

We are officially 7 months old and we’re doing so well!

Look at what you get when you subscribe to our newsletter! I have to pay monthly for this service but its so worth it to look professional!

I am so proud and happy!

I’m wondering if it’s the after effects of the project because I realize now that I am passionless.

I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. I have less pressure to achieve GREATNESS yet I still have some goals. But, not enough desire to want to move mountains to make them happen.

Like, I’d love for my website to become successful and be able to earn money and really help women through my efforts but, even if it remains the same, I won’t be disappointed with myself. Is that okay? I used to beat myself up a lot. I know I have the intelligence, the talent, the courage and the skills to make something AWESOME happen in my life. So I’ve taken the risks. I’ve planted the seeds. I’ve tried and tried and knocked on doors yet, nothing comes from any of that.

Maybe the project changed me more than I will ever know. Maybe this non desire is freedom. Maybe this non attachment is akin to enlightenment. Listen, I will never manipulate anyone in order to benefit because I don’t care that much about the benefit. I will never cheat to win because I don’t care that much about winning. I will never put much effort into romantic pursuits because it doesn’t have to happen. I’m good.

People only care about you when it’s convenient for them. Why have I made myself so convenient for others? When they’re done using you for their purpose, they walk away with no remorse. Why have I cared so much over the years, making myself available to men and women who took me for granted and didn’t value my time and attention?

Fuck everybody.

What the hell is going on with me?

I’m interacting with people and I’m looking around and I’m thinking, “I don’t really care to try to hold on to any of this. None of this shit matters anyway.”

I had like, such an awesome day today.

I swear, I slept some last night and woke up refreshed this morning. That’s a first. I usually don’t sleep at ALL at night. Then I had a very interesting conversation with the older man who called me with a lot on his mind. He had me blushing so HARD. It was cute.

Then I took a delicious nap that felt so good and so right. Then I woke up and enjoyed my own company, talking on the phone with my Mama for a little bit. Then I took another delicious and nutritious nap which was so delightful. I LOVE SLEEPING! Then I woke up and rolled over and talked on the phone a little bit before doing some article writing and daydreaming. Then I made this video.

Then I smiled and laughed to myself about the erotic story I wrote last night. OMG! I have never thought about writing erotica but the other day I was reading some and I thought to myself, “Maybe I can write a story, see if people like it and if they do, I can sell some erotica books online to create more passive income.”

So I wrote a story and it turned out so good that I can’t stop reading it myself! LOL Ok OK. Give me a minute and I’ll post it online so you can read it too.

Ok Here it is! It’s supernasty so if you’re under 18, please go ask your Mommy if it’s okay to read it. LOL

My First Erotic Fiction Story

So I entered it into a contest and if I get enough votes I could earn money but I’m really looking forward to getting feedback because if it turns people on that means I should write more. It’s really, nasty though. He he.

So go ahead and enjoy it!

I’m so happy today!

If you laugh at me it’s really going to hurt my feelings.

My breasts hurt.

I feel fat and ugly and I hate everybody right now.

And really- I NEED TO F***K!

I’ve been trying to use this damn vibrator but it doesn’t work. I do what my friends say. They say just press it against your clit and wait. I DO THAT!

I did that last night but all I felt was a BUZZ. I increased the speed. NOTHING HAPPENED!

What’s wrong with me? I feel like my body is broken or something. Why can’t I enjoy the toy like all the other women? What’s wrong with me?

Why doesn’t anyone LOVE me?

Why am I so ugly?

I hate my toe knuckles. They are hairy and I can’t pluck them so i let it grow.

My breasts hurt.

All I wanna do is just DO IT and I have no one to call.

I hate everybody right now!

Shut up! BITCH!

I think I’m going to cry. =(

Yesterday I was in my own cramp induced dream world. The worst part about having PMS is that the pain and emotions overtake me and I don’t even realize that its PMS until I get my period and then the past 7 days of turmoil all make sense.

Anyway, yesterday I’m at work and it’s taking me a LOT of effort to smile due to my mind racing because of this damn PMS. So I get to thinking about why I don’t seem to have many friends and then I start thinking about people who DO have lots of friends and why they are different from me.

Then I start thinking about how someone told me the other day that everyone is good for something. This reminded me of how my childhood BFF used to tell me the same thing when I would ask her, “If you have to complain about that chick so much, why do you hang out with her?”

She’d say, “When I want to wild out and have fun, who else am I going to do it with?”

So basically they’re saying you can find value in people and interact with because you are going to get something you value. Like, if a woman you know has key contacts to get you the dream job you want but she’s consistently annoying, just endure the annoyance to get what you want. Or if there’s a man who likes you and would buy you anything in the world but you hate looking at his face, just look at his face so you can get what you want. Or maybe it’s about focusing on what you gain instead of what you hate that allows them to have multiple emotionally intimate interactions with people.

My only problem with this method is, I don’t want anything anymore. What could you possibly have to offer me that i would want? I’m not trying to win at life anymore. I’m content with being NOTHINg and really, those who claim to have the interest of ability to help me succeed, never do it. It’s a pipe dream they sell you so they can gain your interest. Once they have it, they stop being interested in you. Sometimes i feel like to most people- my attention and friendship is a conquest.

Recently I met a man who said he could introduce me to some people who may be able to help me. In the meantime, I’d have to accept his calls and listen to his political rants and raves which always get me upset. I decided to stop answering his damn calls because I don’t like being upset- which ultimately cuts me off from his contacts.

Now do you see why I’m not further in life or my career? I don’t know how to be phony and play the GAME so I can win.

But I don’t really care about winning. I think most people want to win because they have something to prove to themselves or to others about their worth. I know I ain’t worth shit so I don’t have to prove anything to anyone at all. Call me a loser- guess what- you’re right. Watch me have fun in my loserdom while you become a slave to being a winner because I don’t have to do anything to maintain my position in life while you become a puppet to maintain your status.

Sometimes when I’m paranoid and I think to myself, “He’s only interested in me so he can learn my secrets and try to hold some kind of power over me. He wants to destroy my hopes and dreams because he hates himself and he wants me to hate myself too.” I’ll then remind myself- you have no damn secrets. If anyone decides to DIG and DIG into my life what they’ll come up with is- this chick has made some mistakes but she’s genuinely a good person- a bit needy at times, but good overall. No one can say I did something maliciously to hurt them on purpose.

Now that I hold the belief that every person and every situation is just a FUTURE MEMORY I find it difficult to try to hold on to it. Everyone is a blur. Everything is a blur. The pain of this moment is a blur.

How do I find the value in people when they are all FUTURE MEMORIES? How do I learn to take what people have to offer when I’m not looking for anything? But then, I’ll admit, sometimes I do want things from people. It’s generally not THINGS or MONEY but really, attention. I hate it when I have the desire to have someone’s attention because when they choose not to give it to me and I get upset, they have power over my emotions.

I remember asking myself, “What is the value of men?”

Damn. More than 2 years later, I’m still asking myself the same question but now it’s more than just men. What is the value of people?

How do i find it? Is the value of people related to what they can offer you? Is the value of people related to how they treat you?

I’m still under the impression that men have absolutely nothing to offer outside of their penis and that shit is nasty to me, well, unless I’m having PMS and then penis is like the holy grail. But anyway, all this jumbled up rambling probably all means that I am still hurting and still haven’t met anyone that I feel can prove my theories about men to be false.

But really it’s just- I think too much. But with so much time on my hands and no one to disprove my negative expectations, I don’t see how I could ever change them.

I can be super paranoid, moody, irrational and emotional and he simply- ignores it.

I know I get on his nerves and frustrate him but he never shows it.

I ask him for help and he responds right away.

He gives me long hugs. It relaxes my entire body.

He wears a button down dress shirt with slacks and no tie. ~faints~

He takes me out to eat.

He says, “We’ll figure it out.”

He lets me talk and talk and talk and talk.

He tells me he’s proud of me.

I tell him I’m scared and he says, “It’s okay.”

He pulls my hair.

He talks about women he’s dated in the past. ~turn on~

He tells me when I’m happy it makes him feel good about himself.

I open the front door and he’s standing there.

I am so in love with Google Plus.

Every damn TIME I log in to my stream my body feels so good! I learn and I read and I get the latest information, interesting blog posts and cultural insights from people all over the world- the WORLD CRAIG!

Damn!

I am so grateful for the women I have been meeting on there. Any random day I can just, log in and then close my eyes and POINT and then SOME CHICK on there would be PERFECT for me to profile. DAYUM!

Most of the content that people share- I would have NEVER, EVER, ever-ever-ever knew EXiSTED had it not come scrolling on my stream.

The difference between facebook and Google plus is- facebook is about daily life updates and reconnecting with people you never tried to keep in touch with. Google Plus is about sharing information and art and wisdom.

That shit feeds my soul! My SOUL-CRAIG!

I love that shit!

I can stay home all day on G+. I meet someone new and interesting EVERY DAY!

EVERY DAY, CRAIG!

Man. I swear, if I had a boyfriend for real, he would never have to worry about me running the streets. All he’d have to do is make sure I have FIVE BARS of wi-fi, some air conditioning, some icecream and a hot meal and he can disappear for hours and I wouldn’t notice. The only thing he’d complain about is the fact that he’d have to sleep alone at night cuz I don’t sleep at night cuz- I’m online- doing my thang.

All night long!

Today after I decided to cut things off with the older man (again- I can’t do it. I can’t trust. It’s too hard.) I had this vision of him sitting there watching me talk and it reminded me of the Counselor. Hmm. I scratched my head. They both watched me speak with the same expression and body language. They wore the same dress shirts and slacks in the same style. They both wore glasses.

Hmmm.

Then it made me think of The Prez. He had the same nerdy swagger too. Same glasses too. He was from an affluent background and I figured that the Counselor was too because of the comments he made about people. With his point of view, I could tell he had no understanding of the hood life or the REAL struggle for self worth and financial sustenance.

And, you know what, although I have no clue about the Older Man’s background because he won’t talk about it, when I think about it, some of the comments he made kind of resemble the Counselor’s point of view. Maybe he’s from a similar background too.

Wow. I’m rotating fantasy crushes and they’re all the same type of guy. All of these crushes existed only in my mind and none of them are ever really attracted to me back.

What is it about these type of men that I like so much? Why am I attracted to men who are such a mismatch for me?

~scratching head~