Author: TPatterson

Why do younger guys love me so much?

I swear. I can’t get away from them.

During my project when I met this older man, he was 52, and when I went out with him I enjoyed him so much that I said to myself, “I’m done with younger guys.” But I guess I can’t turn off my radar.

I think with younger guys, sometimes as young as 23, I feel like it can’t be anything serious so I get to just be silly and it’s like playtime with them. I never want anything more than a few laughs and some playful secks and that’s all they want too.

Last night I’m standing at the door at work waiting for more customers, cuz you have to grab them and seat them at your tables if you want to make money- there is no hostess to make sure its fair. Anyway, I’m standing there and in walks 4 young drunk guys. The first guy is so cute to me and I’m like, “hey wait a minute.”

“Tee,” he says and walks up to me smiling.

“Do I know you?” I ask him, my body is starting to heat up.

“Uh, yeah. We worked together.”

Oh! I remember his lil cute ass. We used to work together at my last job and when he first was hired I remember thinking, “I’d love some of THAT.” But I couldn’t do anything because- we work together and I will flirt like crazy but I never mess with anyone I work with because I think that’s messy.

But we don’t work together anymore!

When he paid his bill, I wrote my number on his receipt and he sent me a text right away, “You wanna hook up after work?”

Hahaha!!!!!

I’m sure you want me to but not today. I didn’t even reply but I will.

I promise. LOL

I haven’t met a girl who excited me in a very long time. No girls ever try to talk to me. I have to be the aggressive one and I haven’t met one that I wanted that badly to actually go up to her and talk to her in more than a year. That kind of excitement I get when I’m with a woman is unmatched when it comes to men.

Well, actually, the older guy- I don’t know. He was the only one. I think he did voodoo on me because what I felt when I was with him I ain’t never felt before. When I was with him, I felt ZERO anxiety. He’s never even seen me go through my anxiety attacks because I always felt so comfortable around him. Too bad we don’t talk anymore but I chalk it up to him being “a part of my project” because when that ended, so did we.

It was kinda hard, but my heart let that go.

Damn, where are all the cute girls who like crazy girls like me? Hmmm.

The ladies I work with are so funny to me! I like working with them for a lot of reasons, number one they are caretakers and help a lot at work. They are funny and cute and make me laugh. The best thing is, they are not pushy about hanging out outside of work although I wouldn’t mind, just to see what it’s like.

They don’t seem insecure. You can tell insecure women off the bat by how they criticize you for every little thing and are rude to you when you haven’t done anything to hurt them.

I love that no one from work has added me to their facebook yet. Yay!

No one has stalked me on the internet that I know of yet. No one is that interested in my personal life or questions me about what I do outside of work. During my first week one lady did and I nipped that in the bud and now she only says hello and goodbye.

It’s not that I’m a private person at all its just, I don’t ask personal questions about anything to anyone and I appreciate the same in return. I felt so good about my co workers that I actually invited a couple of them to my house to hang out, that is, until I got home and thought about what I did and then started remembering how I can’t socialize and my anxiety started flaring up and I had to cancel. I couldn’t relax until I canceled, my anxiety wouldn’t let me.

I just, don’t want to hear negative stories and complaints all the time. I don’t like to gossip negatively. I hate listening to it. But really, I don’t want people’s negative habits to rub off on me. That is how I started smoking cigarettes, hanging out with people from work. Now I don’t even talk to any of them anymore but the bad habit remains.

I want to be around people with GOOD habits so even when we are no longer in contact those behaviors will remain. Like, I have two sorority sisters who still live in our college town. They do cool stuff like run marathons and body building and they earn extra money by teaching dance classes and exercise classes. Why can’t I meet people who love to talk about how they are achieving their goals and setting new ones? I’d love to meet and talk strategy and celebrate successful events and accomplished goals over bottles of wine as we talk shit about how awesome we are. LOL

“I’m the shit!”

“No, I’M the shit!”

“Yes, you are girl!”

“No, WE are!”

“That’s right hoe!” LOL

Like, with my next venture. I’m doing the research and about to set a date for my first event. BUT- there’s no one I can talk to about how to do this or how to organize it and there’s no one I know who would even care to LISTEN to me talk about this kind of thing. People always ask me, “Are you talking to yourself?” Yes, I do. I have to. No one I know is into what I’m into. I have to figure it out all by myself, do the technical grunt work, organize it, do the administrative work, market it and facilitate it.

I don’t know how to do any of this. I’m scared that it won’t work out. I’m scared that I won’t do a good job. I’m scared that no one will participate. I have a general idea and I’m going to do it to the best of my ability but I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’m still going to do it anyway.

I’m so excited! I just wish I had someone to share it with who would celebrate with me sincerely.

T9night I was at work and I glanced out the window. I saw a figure walking by and my memory was jarred. All of a sudden my thoughts went to the poet who died earlier this year and how he used to come into Denny’s when I worked at the one in Miami. I thought about how he and I sat in Denny’s late one night after his Saturday night poetry show.

I remember he told me that I shouldn’t wear make up. When I protested he said, “What are you MAKING UP for?”

He’s gone.

I’ll never see his face again.

Just gone.

And everybody’s life went on.

Then I looked around at the faces of the women working with me. I’m a weird one- I see things for what they are. I realized that these faces are temporary.

Everyone I meet is a temporary face. The frustrations of life are temporary. People with attitudes are temporary. Challenges are temporary. Good times are temporary. Love is temporary. Friends are temporary. Whatever they have to say about me is temporary, their chatter will fade.

Nothing is permanent.

We own nothing. Not even our lives.

For as long as we exist we can’t hold on to anything, if we try we end up crushing it. It’s best to just enjoy the sun while it shines because even the sun will go away at some point. How can we et mad at the sun for not shining at night? How can you get mad at someone for wanting to walk away?

It’s crazy that in one of my videos I gave an example that our lives are like a wheel and we are the center of the wheel. The spokes are the situations and people that come into our lives. They are ever changing- ever changing. Enjoy them while they are there- REALLY enjoy them without trying to make them stay or get mad they won’t be what you want them to be because it is promised that they will leave.

I want you to smile while you’re around me. I want you to feel good about who you are. But please don’t be mad that you can’t have me, because I am not meant to stay. No one is.

It’s the wheel, man. It’s the wheel of life. It has to keep moving cuz if it doesn’t, it means we’re dead.

I don’t know what to do.

I feel like I’m fighting with myself and there’s no one to break it up.

“You are not that important,” I remember her saying.

It was my first semester of grad school and I was taking Human Development. My professor was trying to let us know that the success of the client does not depend on us. We should not carry the burden on our shoulders or beat ourselves up if the client does not wish to continue sessions.

You are not that important.

I’ve come to believe this is true. I’ve seen it time and time again at jobs I’ve had where I’ve given 110% believing that my efforts were making a significant contribution but really, after I’m gone, the company still prospers.

You are not that important.

I’m not. Anyone who has met me may smile and say she made me laugh but the reality is, they do not need my presence in their lives. Just like with Will, who died earlier this year, everyone is still rhyming, performing, laughing, having sex, moving forward.

I am not that important. In anyone’s life. And when it comes down to my success or happiness versus theirs they sure won’t choose mine.

I am not that important. Take the weight off my shoulders for thinking that my efforts would make such a huge difference in the world or that my existence will make an impact on someone’s life in a profound way.

I am not that important. Except to my sons. I honestly feel like they benefit from knowing me and I see how my personality helps shape theirs and I am proud.

Still, I am not that important. Love me for a minute. Laugh with me. Touch me. Yet, you can walk away and I can be that memory that makes you smile in your sleep.

I am not that important. Everyone’s life will go on once I’m gone. To Timbuktoo or Uruba or Hades or wherever they sent naughty girls who dare to make their own rules.

I am not that important. In anyone’s life.

So I float. I get high on the knowledge that whether I’m there, here or near, you can still smile. So when I walk away or you do, we still smile and we still love and we still live our very best lives.

Cuz I am not that important, and one day you will forget me.

I’m okay with that.

~poof~

I still love myself.

I feel like the Buddha sitting under the tree, determined to figure things out to help enlighten the world.

I feel like Carl Jung writing in his Red Book but hiding it so the world could only see his brilliant findings.

I feel like Eckhart Tolle when he was young and isolated himself so that he could figure out why he existed.

Do you get it?

THE most brilliant minds, whose thoughts shaped our culture and history are all nutcases who had to claw their way out of their own personal hell in order to create a philosophy of healing.

ALL OF THEM!

So don’t feel bad for me or sorry for me or grow weary of me.

Rejoice as I enter the dark places, as I give up on hopes, as I walk away from socially constructed thinking. I am NOT normal. But neither are the greatest minds in history.

I do not fit in, but neither did anyone who paved the way for progress.

I am in a position, in THIS position, of darkness and complete openness, openly sharing my evolution, even if it makes me look stupid. I’m doing it because it heals me and it will heal you.

I am the Buddha.

I am the Red Book.

I am the New Earth.

Just a little ghetto with it and just a little bit sexy.

But wait and see what this time, this experience, births.

I can’t WAIT to see!

I’m not sure I believe in a God anymore.

Does that mean I’m saying I don’t believe in good?

I don’t know if I believe in the popular concept of a God that loves and cares for us like a father. God doesn’t care. Why would a God create us to suffer? why would a God place us here in this horrible place for people to hurt us and take advantage of us and for us to spend centuries hurting?

This morning I found myself talking to God after a really bad occurrence at work. As I did this, I was so sad because I was talking but I didn’t believe anyone was listening. I don’t know if I believe there’s a higher power who cares.

Maybe we were created by accident. There’s no way we could be placed here as a test for ANOTHER existence. And there’s no way were placed here trapped for hundreds of incarnations until we can learn certain life lessons so we can evolve spiritually. That sounds like torture.

Why are we REALLY here?

Why am I here yet I can’t enjoy this life because I don’t know how to place the social game well enough and I never feel safe anywhere?

Why give me children to bring into this horrible world?

I don’t get it.

As you can “READ” I have been feeling very down in the dumps lately. As I try to fight my way out of it, I am coming to a few brilliant conclusions that I will share later. This seems like a very dark period, but intellectually I know that all of my dark periods birth such great ideas that I can’t even deny them when they come.

They feel so permanent when I’m in them though. Like homelessness felt permanent to me. The one thing that kept me going and hopeful while I was homeless was the simple repetitive thought, “Nothing is permanent.”

I would look around at all the faces that had been living in the shelter for years and the people who were mentally ill or incapable of progressing and I would say to myself, “I’m going to leave here. Nothing is permanent.” Sometimes I believed it, sometimes I didn’t but what really worked for me was imagining that everything that I am now seeing is going to be a memory.

I tried to record every sight and sound and smell in my mind so that I can recollect it later. This detached me from being completely immersed in the situation and allowed me a more objective view.

Tonight I was feeling like I needed some help managing my emotions and I tried several self care techniques but none of them worked. So I called a crisis hotline and by speaking aloud the techniques I was trying, it reminded me of a few that I hadn’t tried yet.

Usually the best technique for me, to pull myself out of a down period is to create something that will help others. So tonight I wrote a short piece on carpal tunnel because I am experiencing those symptoms, sadly. I also wrote a piece on How to Ask For Help which was very detailed and awesome, if I do say so myself.

I even reached out to someone despite my fears that they would reject me. i did this because I really, really need a hug and although i am afraid to ask for one, I need it so i did.

I feel so much better now! I feel like I could celebrate with some icecream.

There are a lot of transitions happening in my mind right now and I need help or at least the opportunity not to think about them, maybe have some FUN and just be a woman.

I’m hoping that this happens soon.

I need to be refreshed.

Freak.

I am nowhere near as emotionally distraught as I was last night. An early morning call from a very interesting person woke me up to new possibilities.

Then I was finally able to relax my heart after 2 days of fun filled anxiety as I enjoyed the fact that one of my dreams came true.

See, I am a user of crisis hotlines. If I’m feeling to the point where my negative emotions are telling me that I am useless in this world and I begin to BELIEVE it, I have to reach out to someone and my friends, besides Mimi, aren’t good people to call. The hotline I call is an awesome resource because I am speaking with a trained counselor who has some knowledge of therapeutic models and so do I. Even though I recognize the models/techniques that they are using it is beneficial to me because then I will remember to use them on myself when I am self counseling my way out of an emotionally stressful state.

So my dream came true in that- I organized my own emotional crisis hotline for my website. Now my website offers a SERVICE which adds so much value to it. I’m not just selling a product. In fact, I don’t sell ANY products on the site, my site is about GIVING to women what I wish I had.

Last nite I appreciated my crisis counselor so much that I had to turn around and try to give it to women. I haven’t received a call yet but I’ll let you know how it goes when I do.

I am going to try to do something besides work on my website but the truth is, its all I can think about. When I’m off work in the middle of the week I try to do as much as i can with it because the weekends I know I’ll be tired.

I am so proud of what it is turning into. It’s not just some vanity site disguised to sell my products. This site is really FOR women.

I am so tired. I’ve been thinking and planning and hoping and daydreaming about (Censored) all day long. Maybe tonight should be about laughter.

Hope I find a good independent movie on Netflix.

I had an awesome day with my sons today.

Being with them is like being born again and living in paradise. They laugh at my jokes. They listen to me. I get to share wisdom with them and watch them grow and I am so proud that they are my seed.

If you ever get a chance to have children, it will be your most magical blessing.