If you laugh at me it’s really going to hurt my feelings.
My breasts hurt.
I feel fat and ugly and I hate everybody right now.
And really- I NEED TO F***K!
I’ve been trying to use this damn vibrator but it doesn’t work. I do what my friends say. They say just press it against your clit and wait. I DO THAT!
I did that last night but all I felt was a BUZZ. I increased the speed. NOTHING HAPPENED!
What’s wrong with me? I feel like my body is broken or something. Why can’t I enjoy the toy like all the other women? What’s wrong with me?
Why doesn’t anyone LOVE me?
Why am I so ugly?
I hate my toe knuckles. They are hairy and I can’t pluck them so i let it grow.
My breasts hurt.
All I wanna do is just DO IT and I have no one to call.
Yesterday I was in my own cramp induced dream world. The worst part about having PMS is that the pain and emotions overtake me and I don’t even realize that its PMS until I get my period and then the past 7 days of turmoil all make sense.
Anyway, yesterday I’m at work and it’s taking me a LOT of effort to smile due to my mind racing because of this damn PMS. So I get to thinking about why I don’t seem to have many friends and then I start thinking about people who DO have lots of friends and why they are different from me.
Then I start thinking about how someone told me the other day that everyone is good for something. This reminded me of how my childhood BFF used to tell me the same thing when I would ask her, “If you have to complain about that chick so much, why do you hang out with her?”
She’d say, “When I want to wild out and have fun, who else am I going to do it with?”
So basically they’re saying you can find value in people and interact with because you are going to get something you value. Like, if a woman you know has key contacts to get you the dream job you want but she’s consistently annoying, just endure the annoyance to get what you want. Or if there’s a man who likes you and would buy you anything in the world but you hate looking at his face, just look at his face so you can get what you want. Or maybe it’s about focusing on what you gain instead of what you hate that allows them to have multiple emotionally intimate interactions with people.
My only problem with this method is, I don’t want anything anymore. What could you possibly have to offer me that i would want? I’m not trying to win at life anymore. I’m content with being NOTHINg and really, those who claim to have the interest of ability to help me succeed, never do it. It’s a pipe dream they sell you so they can gain your interest. Once they have it, they stop being interested in you. Sometimes i feel like to most people- my attention and friendship is a conquest.
Recently I met a man who said he could introduce me to some people who may be able to help me. In the meantime, I’d have to accept his calls and listen to his political rants and raves which always get me upset. I decided to stop answering his damn calls because I don’t like being upset- which ultimately cuts me off from his contacts.
Now do you see why I’m not further in life or my career? I don’t know how to be phony and play the GAME so I can win.
But I don’t really care about winning. I think most people want to win because they have something to prove to themselves or to others about their worth. I know I ain’t worth shit so I don’t have to prove anything to anyone at all. Call me a loser- guess what- you’re right. Watch me have fun in my loserdom while you become a slave to being a winner because I don’t have to do anything to maintain my position in life while you become a puppet to maintain your status.
Sometimes when I’m paranoid and I think to myself, “He’s only interested in me so he can learn my secrets and try to hold some kind of power over me. He wants to destroy my hopes and dreams because he hates himself and he wants me to hate myself too.” I’ll then remind myself- you have no damn secrets. If anyone decides to DIG and DIG into my life what they’ll come up with is- this chick has made some mistakes but she’s genuinely a good person- a bit needy at times, but good overall. No one can say I did something maliciously to hurt them on purpose.
Now that I hold the belief that every person and every situation is just a FUTURE MEMORY I find it difficult to try to hold on to it. Everyone is a blur. Everything is a blur. The pain of this moment is a blur.
How do I find the value in people when they are all FUTURE MEMORIES? How do I learn to take what people have to offer when I’m not looking for anything? But then, I’ll admit, sometimes I do want things from people. It’s generally not THINGS or MONEY but really, attention. I hate it when I have the desire to have someone’s attention because when they choose not to give it to me and I get upset, they have power over my emotions.
I remember asking myself, “What is the value of men?”
Damn. More than 2 years later, I’m still asking myself the same question but now it’s more than just men. What is the value of people?
How do i find it? Is the value of people related to what they can offer you? Is the value of people related to how they treat you?
I’m still under the impression that men have absolutely nothing to offer outside of their penis and that shit is nasty to me, well, unless I’m having PMS and then penis is like the holy grail. But anyway, all this jumbled up rambling probably all means that I am still hurting and still haven’t met anyone that I feel can prove my theories about men to be false.
But really it’s just- I think too much. But with so much time on my hands and no one to disprove my negative expectations, I don’t see how I could ever change them.
Every damn TIME I log in to my stream my body feels so good! I learn and I read and I get the latest information, interesting blog posts and cultural insights from people all over the world- the WORLD CRAIG!
Damn!
I am so grateful for the women I have been meeting on there. Any random day I can just, log in and then close my eyes and POINT and then SOME CHICK on there would be PERFECT for me to profile. DAYUM!
Most of the content that people share- I would have NEVER, EVER, ever-ever-ever knew EXiSTED had it not come scrolling on my stream.
The difference between facebook and Google plus is- facebook is about daily life updates and reconnecting with people you never tried to keep in touch with. Google Plus is about sharing information and art and wisdom.
That shit feeds my soul! My SOUL-CRAIG!
I love that shit!
I can stay home all day on G+. I meet someone new and interesting EVERY DAY!
EVERY DAY, CRAIG!
Man. I swear, if I had a boyfriend for real, he would never have to worry about me running the streets. All he’d have to do is make sure I have FIVE BARS of wi-fi, some air conditioning, some icecream and a hot meal and he can disappear for hours and I wouldn’t notice. The only thing he’d complain about is the fact that he’d have to sleep alone at night cuz I don’t sleep at night cuz- I’m online- doing my thang.
Today after I decided to cut things off with the older man (again- I can’t do it. I can’t trust. It’s too hard.) I had this vision of him sitting there watching me talk and it reminded me of the Counselor. Hmm. I scratched my head. They both watched me speak with the same expression and body language. They wore the same dress shirts and slacks in the same style. They both wore glasses.
Hmmm.
Then it made me think of The Prez. He had the same nerdy swagger too. Same glasses too. He was from an affluent background and I figured that the Counselor was too because of the comments he made about people. With his point of view, I could tell he had no understanding of the hood life or the REAL struggle for self worth and financial sustenance.
And, you know what, although I have no clue about the Older Man’s background because he won’t talk about it, when I think about it, some of the comments he made kind of resemble the Counselor’s point of view. Maybe he’s from a similar background too.
Wow. I’m rotating fantasy crushes and they’re all the same type of guy. All of these crushes existed only in my mind and none of them are ever really attracted to me back.
What is it about these type of men that I like so much? Why am I attracted to men who are such a mismatch for me?
