Month: December 2010

Ever since I was little I’ve had variations of the same nightmare. I’m usually running from my stepfather because he’s trying to kill me.

This morning I walked into a similar dream. My little brother and sister and I were hanging out in a big house having fun. I walked into my parents room where my mama was sitting on the bed with my stepfather. He looked at me and asked me for money. I told him I already give him enough money and he rose from the bed to scream at me. I walked away. He followed me saying he was gonna get more money. My mama followed us throughout the house.

I walked outside and he came after me with a big shotgun. My brother was outside playing and when I saw the shotgun I yelled at him to run. He began running and my mama started running too. I grabbed my sister and dragged her with me because she was little.

I heard the first gun shot. When I looked back my brother was on the ground. My Mama picked up her pace running…running.. I was ahead of her. I heard the second gun shot and then I didn’t hear her running anymore. When I looked back, as I dragged my sister through the open field, I saw him aim his shot gun at me and smile…

I turned around and kept running…

And then i told myself to wake up.

Maybe I died last night and this is my afterlife. Maybe that dream was true and now is what happens when you die; you feel like it was all a dream.

But as I rubbed my eyes and sat up in bed, I felt angry that I keep having this tortuous dream. I was angry that I can’t get over this. I was sad that even though I don’t even see him more than a few times a year, he still haunts me to this day.

Then I realized… It’s just a dream.

“He’s not like that anymore,” my sister told me one day.

He’s not like that anymore.

And even if he continues to kill me in my dreams, I always wake up.

It was cold for 3 days and I was miserable.

At least for the first two I was. With no heat in my studio apartment, the temperature dropped to the 40’s and I thought I should say one last prayer for my life. On the last night, a guy I was “talking to” brought me some food and an electric blanket. What an angel!

Until the next day when, out of the blue, he texted me a picture of his penis! Where do men get that from? Who says I want to see that? IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY? Dude, I haven’t even kissed you yet. Needless to say that’s the LAST I’ll see of him. Disgusting.

Anyway..my whole world has changed again. It seems like it is a habit of mine. I’ve really learned how to create the life of my dreams by making wishes. It seems that every single one of my wishes have come true. But it’s not necessarily the easiest thing.

Like, i wished that I could just stay home and be creative and continue to build my brand. I was so tired of working two jobs, 7 days a week and going to school. I wished for it for 3 weeks straight and then..all of a sudden, I found myself carless and jobless.

Yep. When my car went under, I had to leave my day job because there was no way I could make it to school by bus after leaving work. And then..just when I thought, “I’ll pick up more shifts at Red.Lobster.” Days later. They fired me. Apparently, a customer called in to complain about me. One call and you’re out.

But honestly, leaving there I had a smile on my face. I never felt safe there. Never really comfortable. Although I had just received an award for Most Guest Compliments for the fiscal year, I was ready to move on in my heart. It seems that whatever your heart is ready for, or prepared for, your destiny will follow.

I know you’re thinking, “Here she goes again.” Man, I wish this wasn’t a part of my story but it is. I DO know that whenever there’s a loss it leaves room for something greater to come in. I believe that. i do. I’m just wondering…

So here I sit, on the brink of a new year, wondering what is going to happen next. Since all of my wishes have been coming true, I’ve been more careful what I wish for.

But literally, THIS IS what I wished for, sans all the wondering what will happen next. No car, no jobs, all I do is sit at home and create. I revamped all of my sites and added new content and I even created a new feature for a website that i write for. I’m hoping it will be a hit. Hopefully.

I secured my internship and I’m nervous about that. Working with young men who are drug addicted..in an office environment. Yikes!

8 months til graduation. Hoping everything goes smoothly. How will i support myself when I’m interning for free? I have no idea. The Universe knows but I don’t.

And then there’s my poetry. I’ve tried to stay away from this because I know I am non commital and impulsive and flaky when it comes to things sometimes but I’ve been going for a month now and performing my poems and I’m doing great.

In fact, last night, the poem I wrote last week was such a hit that they gave me a standing ovation and asked me to perform it AGAIN. I was shocked and pleased. It was a raunchy poem about sexing a nerd. But it was passionate because it was based on a real person.

So yeah.. Surprise surprise. I have a new crush. But. as usual its not someone I can BE with. Most of my crushes are like that. But in my mind, he’s awesome.

Yes, I said HE. I’m sorry! I didn’t mean for this to happen. I was happily hating men when I met him last semester and then, I messed around and got to know him and allowed him to get to know me and I liked what I found.

I worked really hard in counseling last semester (This semester actually since it just ended last week) and I was adamant about getting over my issues with men. I worked and re worked my perspective and challenged myself and I guess it worked, cuz here I go again..liking a dude.

It doesn’t feel so scary since I can’t BE with him, but I never thought I would come to this point of wanting a man like that. I wrote a poem about his ass too! That’s the same poem that earned me a standing ovation. ~sigh~

What’s next on the horizon for Ms. Tee?

I don’t know. I really don’t. I’m behind on my rent but the money seems to be flowing in for everything else so I’m eating and my lights are still on.

Just last night, I was chatting online with an internet friend and I was counseling him like I usually do. At one point in the IM conversation I wished I could get PAID for my counseling services and no less than 5 minutes later he typed, “Check your email.” ANd when I did, he had sent me a donation via paypal. I was astounded. He has NO CLUE about my financial situation. I just know..what I wish for…keeps happening.

So now I’m wishing for a stable car to drive to my internship and money to eat and live on without having to work anywhere outside of my home and I’m wishing for a friend who lives here..hell…I’ll be honest, I’m wishing for my crush to cross my path again.

I’m not “OVER” being a lesbian and dating women. I still get turned on when I see some of them, every once in a while but, it’s not the same as before. I think I was trying to RUN to women to give me validation for not liking men. When I decided to face that…It turns out that I like both and I’m becoming more comfortable with that idea.

I just wish…my crush was accessible. Lemme stop lieing, if he was I’d probably be scared to death.

I just wish..that I can pay my bills and have fun with my sons and go to my internship and do well and graduate and then become a journalist again.

My sister says, “I’m gonna start calling you Lynn,” referring to the character in Girlfriends who had a million degrees and never worked in any of the fields. I guess I’m like that. I just love to learn. And I hate offices. ANd I want to be a journalist more than anything else. I AM A JOURNALIST.

I’d love to do what I’m doing now, write from home, do creative videos and shows and articles and still be able to take care of myself. I’m not afraid anymore. I’ve been to the bottom emotionally and physically and I always recover but I am nervous, wondering what’s on the next leg of my journey.

Just wondering….

I have had two dreams where my tooth comes out in the past week. I thought that was weird. I wake up and check my smile and wrinkle my eyebrow.

Tonight I was just sitting here and…my tooth came out. Weird.

I mean, I know this tooth should have been pulled a long time ago because an old dentist said it was a baby tooth that never came out but.. I was shocked when it just moved to the side and was dangling and i went into the bathroom and pushed it out with my tongue and it fell in the sink. I felt like a 9 year old.

Maybe it happened to save me some money since I’m manifesting being able to get my teeth fixed in the new year. Maybe the tooth fairy will come tonight. I sure could use $2,000 before the new year…

THE YEAR 2010

I gained — weight this year after I worked in an office for 2 months.

I lost —my car, my place to live, my job and my wardrobe. It was all replaced though!

I stopped — being afraid of men. I still don’t really care to entertain them, but I am no longer afraid. No longer a victim.

I started — dating women. Wowsa!

I was hugely satisfied by — my ability to THINK MY WAY OUT OF MY MESS. No matter what happened, I just CLICKED my brain on and took a positive perspective on it.

And frustrated by — my friend who is usually SOOO negative about everything. We made a conscious CHOICE to stay friends and it’s a battle but she’s happier and more positive now that she is in love.

I am so embarrassed that I — had to breathe all over my customers with my bad breath. Its gotten worse. I REALLY need to see a dentist.

Once again, I — had a brief crush on a dude who turned out to be gay. What’s up with that?

Once again, I did not — engage in sex with anyone on a regular basis. ~sigh~

The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is — No difference. I’m maybe 5 pounds heavier. Oh, I’m a little darker in skin tone since i tanned so hard this summer. i like it!

The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is– I realize that all my wishes come true so I’m more direct and expectant now.

I loved spending time — writing for Alphanista.com and making youtube videos. I hit my goal of 100 and exceeded it!

Why did I spend even two minutes — debating on whether or not I’ll start my coaching business. It’s time!

I should have spent more time — laughing.

I regret buying — nothing. I never regret spending money.

I will never regret buying –food– even though with that money I could have bought– cigarettes.

I —smoke– way too much.

I didn’t —travel–enough.

My job at Red Lobster –drove me crazy.

Was — facebook— crazier than ever last year? Or was it me?

The most relaxing place I went was — the beach. This summer every day I would wake up at 8 am and spend the morning at the beach. I want to do that more often.

I feel so —happy— when I write that down.

Why did I go to —Memorial weekend on south beach with my former co workers. We do not have fun the same way. smh

The best thing I did for someone else was — Travel to her city to help her become confident in approaching the woman she liked.

The best thing I did for myself was — listen to my intuition. I’m getting better and becoming more obedient. Its like.. I hear the thing to do and I do it, and no one understands but later I do.

The best thing someone did for me was — listen to me and help me to see that nothing is wrong with the things I want and he smiled at me every week. Thanks to my counselor. =)

The one thing I’d like to do again, but do it better, is — meet someone like my counselor that I can actually become friends with and date. He was so ideal.

Ok 2011. What ya got in store for me?

I saw the lunar eclipse last night. It was awesome!

I felt like I was a part of something great! I was on the phone with my sister while she was telling me about her new apartment search and I walked outside on my porch to take a look. There it was in all its glory,, right above my head in perfect view.

I sat down and chatted watching the eclipse. When it was almost done I rose to my feet and sent out a powerful prayer to the moon and the Universe. I prayed that this eclipse will be a signal of new and abundant beginnings for everyone I know. I prayed that those close to me will be protected, guided and provided for in ways unimaginable and that our most positive wishes will come true.

Then I prayed for forgiveness for anything I may have done which caused harm to anyone.

And I sent up a kiss.. and felt the kiss returned.

I thank God for my life, filled with so many blessings and so much love.

I am completely grateful right now…

Sooo…

I was invited to perform at a fashion show tonight. I picked up my boys and we went over there and I did my thing…like normal. I had fun. I had no idea that afterwards a woman would approach me asking me to perform at HER fashion show in another city.

I don’t…get it.

I’m always…good at everything I do yet, nothing has brought me any stability or financial freedom. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong or if it’s just not my time but….it’s kind of disconcerting to know that whatever I TRY I am going to excel at yet…nothing BIG comes from it. I have nothing to show for anything I’ve done..just a bunch of clips of everything I’ve done but nothing for real.

I don’t get it. I wish I had some guidance. I would talk about this with my counselor frequently. He would get so frustrated with me but I managed to make him understand.

I wish i had some developmental guidance. I have all the raw materials of a star yet no one to back me and check me and make me better and position me to show people what I can REALLY do.

What if I just waste it all because I have so much fuel for a fire yet, no matches?

I don’t want all this talent to be a waste.

What do I do with it?

So this year is almost over and it has definitely been a challenging one for me. The great thing is, I survived every bit of it. Although there are some things I regret, I can’t focus on those because there are so many other things I admire about myself.

This year I challenged myself wholeheartedly to face my fears concerning my history with men. And I did…and I was attracted to one and I didn’t run away from it, although I wanted to so badly. But I didn’t.

And I started performing poetry, to a grand reception. After I perform I hear things like, “You are so real and raw” “You add something to the poetry game that was missing” and “You are AMAZING!”

I love those quotes! LOL

Next Monday I will be participating in my first poetry slam. The winner gets to compete for a spot on the S. Florida Slam Team which competes against other cities for a spot on the regional team. Who knows, I may just make the cut.

My biggest challenge with poetry is interacting socially. I find it difficult to have general conversation and to hang out even though everyone is so nice. I’m working on it.

I’m getting better. Everyday.

Happy New Year!

May the days that follow this one, surpass even your greatest expectations!

Love,

Tee