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Frantic Night

Giirrrrrlllllllllll….

LOL! You know how those JUICY conversations start out with that greeting, “Giirrrrrlllllllll!”
That’s about how I feel right now.
Last night was so crazy. I felt like I was giving birth. I was so hurt and so angry and so tired of all the men coming at me. I secretly wished I was ugly. I TAKE THAT BACK UNIVERSE! No need to handle that request. ~smile~
But yeah…I was pathetic last nite. DEEP would probably say I’m being manic and maybe I was but I could not get this feeling of hatred and pain from inside of me. I kept asking myself, “Why the hell do I keep meeting dudes who are abusive to me? Why am I so weak or so disgusting that every guy feels that he has to control me?”
I’ll be honest…my last fling turned out to be abusive as well. He even hit me one time before we parted ways. I don’t know what I did to make him so angry with me. I kept being me. I kept working, kept being positive and kept being good to him and it seemed like it made him even more angry. One day I wouldn’t give him money and he hit me- straight up. That was the last day I ever saw or spoke to him. At first I didnt cry I just moved on with my life but last nite, it really got to me.
DEEP never hit me, but his words are so aggressive. He will say that decisions that I make are DUMB and that I need to GROW UP and I never talk to him like that even though he refuses to work and always expects women to take care of him. He’s spoiled but thats our fault, we (women) tend to cater to him for some reason. But I know it’s not going to stay that way forever, at least not with me it ain’t. I’m over it. He no longer has any influence in my life.
So I was crying because I try to give love in the same way I wish to receive it but I keep stepping backwards dealing with men who do not recognize my value and I think..intentionally try to stop my shine if it doesn’t benefit them. All I kept thinking was, “Why do men hate me so much? Why do they scream at me and get mad at me when I try to be nice to them? Was is it about ME?!!!” And it angered me and I dove into that pity and self hate for a few hours before drifting off to sleep around 7am.
While I slept I had a nightmare that I was holding some rocks and they came to life in my hand. I threw them in the air and the entire sky filled with rocks and started falling on me. I felt my spirit start to slip away and I cried out, “I just want to see my kids!” I woke up sweating even though the air conditioner was on.
I checked my phone to see what time it was and there was a picture message from someone. When I opened the pic, it was a pic of a MAN staring at me smiling. Some dude I didn’t know. I thought it was a freakin CURSE! I cant even go to sleep without some man lookin in my face!
I called the number- no answer. I texted whoever it was that they need to leave me the fuck alone and I started crying. The night before I had deleted all the men from my facebook because some asshole keeps sending me sexual messages through the honesty box. For real…I aint that cute. I feel like men see me as a piece of cake. I don’t like that. I’m more than that. And they won’t leave me alone on facebook. They never had the guts to holla at me in highschool or college and now they think its a free for all. hate that…
So I feel attacked everytime I get on facebook AND when I go out the door… Its a never ending cycle of men in my face who I believe desperately want to hurt me. Maybe its just my perception…. or maybe its the truth. Regardless if I believe it then it is MY TRUTH. Our perception defines our truths.
So after the crazy night and the crazy nitemare, I decided to change my phone number. No more “PARTY TONITE AT NOCTURNAL!” or “HIT UP MY MYSPACE TO LISTEN TO MY MUSIC!” I am so relieved. Every dude in Miami wants to be a rapper. It’s like they have no other goals. I’m so over that mentality…
And then…as tired and unhappy as I was… I went to Florida Memorial College, a Black University here in Miami and I counted to three before I walked inside the classroom…
(cont.)
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Ms. Tee Speaks On Campus

As I walked inside the classroom I wasn’t nervous at all.
My girlfriend from undergrad Ana had invited me to speak to her class about race relations and my experiences in undergrad and now in graduate school. The class was only half full when I walked in and a student passed me a note from Ana and I read it and put my purse on the desk as the students stared at me looking bored as hell.
I smiled and introduced myself as though I had been instructing classes for years. Here I am for the first time speaking on a college campus and it felt so natural to me. I didn’t dress up. I wore my favorite cut up jeans and a white tee with a pair of yellow and white no name brand sneakers. I wanted them to underestimate me because of my appearance and then to realize that wow- even though she looks like us, she is a POWERFUL presence.
And so it was….
I don’t even remember how I began or what I said but I poured my heart out for those freshman. I spoke to them about my experiences with racism and my own racist attitudes which were rooted in insecurity. I challenged them to think about what they want instead of what they don’t want. I told them about the struggles I endured during and after college and how my EXPECTATIONS of those struggles were what brought them about.
I spoke about how our bodies are mere tools of expression for the energy inside us- not to be judged or ridiculed but to be appreciated for the use of language and as transportation for this powerful energy. I performed a poem for them and even challenged them to understand that their thoughts are like prayers or wishes.
I even told them about having kids while I was in college and how I’m STILL FLY. They sat there, seemingly captivated by my sermon. They asked questions, they gave feedback, they shared their stories. Before I was done I made each student tell me what they learned today. One by one I went around the room and listened as they spoke about the lessons they learned from me that day. It seems that everyone got something different from my talk.
When I dismissed the class a few kids hung around to get my contact info and to tell me how much they enjoyed my talk. The last young lady, who was so beautiful by the way, came up to me in tears, the salty wetness staining her violet blouse. “You…I just want you to know that you changed me,” she said. “I know I only met you one time but I will NEVER forget this day and I will never forget meeting you. Thank you. Thank you so much for coming.”
Her tears triggered mine and we hugged before she waved goodbye and dissappeared out into the afternoon sun. I sat at the desk staring at the empty seats of the classroom. I belong here. I belong here. The words echoed in my mind like a whisper from God himself.
I don’t know how I could get there. How could I ever be a professor without going through the bullshit of dealing with the stupidity of the academic system? There has to be some other way. I know…I’m supposed to do this.
I really just…don’t know how.
Thank God for Ana’s invitation to speak to her class. When I was able to speak with her later, I found out that she is adopting a little 11 year old girl. She is so excited about being a mom. After we hung up, I remembered that I warned her class not to mess with her.
“She’s really a good person,” I explained to them. “I don’t know what ya’ll think of her and how you’ve been acting but I want you to know that you have a beautiful SOUL for an instructor. Respect her.”
Cuz I do. And I’m grateful that somehow she fell in love with me and remained in love with me through all these years through all my transitions and through all my mess. That’s a real friend. She never judged me, just loved me as I went through.
I feel so good right now…I wish I had a blunt so I could just….go to sleep.
~smile~
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NO BISCUITS TONITE

Man…

Can a bitch vent?
I am so annoyed by the muthafuckers who come in to eat at Red Lobster. Not all of them, but most of them. Damn, I thought if I worked at a better restaurant that I’d make more money but oh nooooooo…. These ppl tip like..bullshit.
Attention readers: IT SADDENS ME TO CASH OUT A $150 check and only get $5 in a tip after I cut up your salad so that it could be easily chewed, ran into the kitchen 5–eleven times to refill your endless shrimp meal and held your baby for you while you ran to the damn bathroom. You didn’t want salad, you wanted broccoli instead so I did that. Your ass wanted gingerale, we don’t HAVE gingerale but I MADE it myself by putting 80% sprite and 20% coke in your glass.
LOOK- I do not BAKE THE DAMN BISCUITS. I want you to have them too. When a pan comes out of the oven, we FIGHT Over them damn biscuits just for YOU. If there are none made, I can not BRING THEM OUT. I am not trying to sabotage your freakin meal!
Furthermore…biscuits are NOT THE FUCKING APPETIZER. I bring them out with the salads. Do you REALLY want me to make another damn trip to the damn kitchen so you can have them first? ANd Its not my fucking fault that you ordered the wrong drink. Don’t get mad at me. SHit!
If it is taking me a long time..its because I’m busy. You’re not my only damn table. Everybody wants 2 extra croutons and and everybody else wants fresh ice in their drinks every 10 minutes just like yr ass does!
Don’t complain about me not bringing your plate with the rest. I can only carry so much at one time. Those damn trays weigh 5 lbs by themselves and each plate that is on it weighs about the same. I can only bring THREE entrees and a couple of drinks at a time.
And to the bitch who got an attitude with me today after I let her slide by having her 3 wild ass kids eat her ENDLESS SHRIMP dinner without payin– don’t come back. Cuz I coulda charged your ass for them kids!
I have never sabotaged anyone’s food…but I see why ppl do. Don’t come in there taking your frustration over your job out on ME!
I’m a fucking person too! I do this because I lie to be nice to people. Everyone in that restaurant wants money, but the servers, we are paid to be nice and treat you well which is hard to do when you are acting like you leave $100 tips and shit.
Ya’ll are making me very upset and I rarely get upset when I’m serving because I like to serve people and make them feel good but I don’t know….
I’ll take more crap off of old people because they have lived their lives and can be any way they want but ya’ll with ya’ll young asses need to chill the hell out and let me get your shit straight. Damn!
THERE ARE NO BISCUITS RIGHT NOW! SORRY!
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Breaking Loose


I was hanging out on twitter today before work when I realized that I don’t really agree with the “God” as a man in the sky who judges your actions, type of thing anymore. I have really found peace without it and through all my studies of different cultures and beliefs and lifestyles…I’ve learned something important, every belief is a choice.

And I’m not even saying that because I talk about choosing POSITIVE thoughts over negative ones. I’m talking about EVERY belief that we hold. Its all a choice. And I don’t really like the whole fear based tactic that religions use to get ppl to fall in line. To me that is akin to mental slavery. Maybe all religions were created to control people’s minds.
But the hardest part is finding people to discuss these kinds of ideas with. Most everyone I know is Christian and would absolutely DIE if I tried to have a convo like this. They’d feel sad for me and pray for my soul and stuff. I mean, I don’t mind them praying but its the judgement that if I don’t agree with them then I’m wrong and crazy that I don’t agree with. Can I choose my own beliefs like you did?
~shrugs~
I think that’s one of the main reasons I still miss DEEP. As far as religion goes we were very much on the same page about it. Now that I no longer speak to him, I feel so alone. I want to tal, discuss and be informed but all anyone can say is, “I Believe in Jesus!” as though it is a definitive answer to any religious question.
Religion is good because it helps you to focus your mental power and it builds your faith. You can call it whatever you want to, as long as you know how to direct that mental energy toward a good life BELIEVING you can receive, then I think it’s a good thing. But it wasn’t a good thing for me. I always felt guilty and like every little thing I did was being tallied up and critiqued.
I never felt like I was good enough for God. And that’s because I was taught that from the day I was born, something was wrong with me. (You are a sinner.) So every day after that I was striving to be “better” and follow the rules written in this book a jillion years ago.
I still never felt good enough. After I studied different beliefs I pulled the veil from over my eyes and I asked myself, “If I wasn’t born into this culture in this time period, would I still believe in Jesus?” Certain beliefs are cultural and so are certain religions. What if I had been born in Pakistan? Would Christianity still be the ONLY choice for me?
I understand that when you have a belief indoctrinated in you since childhood that it is tough to pull away, even if that belief makes you feel bad about who you are. Imagine the gay & lesbian community trying to fit into Christianity when the Bible clearly states, you are hell bound if you live that lifestyle.
I don’t want to be a part of something that damns people to hell. I feel sad when I think about it. My friends say I feel sad about a lot of stuff and yes, I do. I feel sad when people judge each other and mistreat each other. I don’t know what’s going on with me. Today I was like, “Man, am I an atheist?”
So I looked up what an atheist is and it said that an atheist doesn’t believe in deities or “Gods” in the sky who control or create things or events. Nah…I don’t think I believe in that idea of a God in the sky who is watching me and pushing me every which way. But these beliefs are new to me and I really want to discuss but I have no one to talk to.
I tried to text message Tamara but she replied with, “I don’t even want to talk about this with you right now.”
That upset me. If I had sent her a text that said I had secks last night or I met a guy or I got a new job, I think she woulda been excited to listen. She says I change my mind too much and I reminded her that I don’t change my mind about my spiritual beliefs, I like to call it a transition.
And ever since I went to Houston and I read that book, The Game Of LIfe, things have just been going in a totally different direction for me. Sometimes I still talk to “God” like a friend but then sometimes I feel silly when I do that because I’ve learned about deliberate creation and how our focus is what changes and affects things, not some idea in the sky.
I’m not confused. I know which beliefs make me feel better about my existence and when I realize (or create) them, I share them with everyone. For the most part, even those who are Christians agree with these creations of mine and apply them to their lives. They don’t contradict with the true message of Christianity.
~sigh~
I don’t know. Walking a spiritual path is not easy, especially one like mine because there’s no one to turn to to validate my beliefs. At the same time, I don’t need validation. I don’t need a man standing with a “symbol” like a white collar or a cross around his neck to tell me I’m doing the right thing.
I don’t know. I feel alone in my beliefs. But..its okay. I’ve always been an opinion leader anyway. Opinion leaders often have DIFFERENT opinions, that’s why they become leaders. The people who believe the status quo ideals just follow the masses, hoping they are following the right people.
Anyway…Kim is in town and she said she’s coming over to see me. If all goes well, we’re gonna have some laffs, I’m gonna rub her pregnant belly and we’re gonna cry a little over how much we have changed and how much we love each other.
I know for a fact that when I explain to her that I don’t think I believe in the “God” concept like most people do…I know she won’t wrinkle her nose and tell me I’m going to hell.
I appreciate her for loving me even though we disagree. Who knows who has it right? No one does, really.
I just…don’t want to be a sinner saved by grace. Christianity created the mentality that you are born with something wrong with you and you need help. That’s why so many people hate themselves.
I don’t want to be a part of that…anymore.
But I know most of my friends will be sad. I just wish I could have found that peace of mind through religion but I didn’t. So I tried something else…
Is that wrong?
I’m not really trying to convince you. I’m really trying to figure it all out for myself.
What do I want to believe?
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Checkpoints

I had a fantastic day with my boys yesterday. I picked them up by 9:15 and we went to breakfast at Denny’s. Then we headed to the grocery store because they requested that I cook for them. We came back and played around for a little while until it was time for out appointment to take our family pictures and we rode up the street to the Olan Mills studio and used our discount picture session.

By the time we were done, Kim called saying she was on her way to Tampa and wanted to see me. She stopped by and we all sat in her car as I examined her swollen belly. There weren’t too many words for us to say. We rarely see each other so it seems as though each time we do get to hang out its like a check point in our lives.
Where are you now?
Where are you physically? Did you gain weight? Is someone loving you? How’s your progress in your career? What is your home life like? Where are you spiritually?
As we assessed this particular checkpoint we couldn’t help but reach back into the not so distant past and reminisce on the last few checkpoints that we had. Everything is so different from the last time we saw each other. Kim is married now, teaching masters level courses and is 5months pregnant. She doesn’t even have the Beemer anymore. Still in Chicago. Still loving her life and smoothly transitioning on to the life of her dreams.
As she drove away I watched the back of her rental car wondering what will have changed by the time we get to see each other again.
Hmmm…
My boys and I drove through the rain back to my place and I stood at the stove turning it on for the second time since I’ve lived here. They smiled up at me and returned to watch their cartoons. After dinner we all got dressed and walked down the street to hang out on the downtown strip.
The clubs were open, although empty but we managed to sneak inside of one so that they could see the flashing lights and the atmosphere. They were impressed. We stopped by the gelato store to choose a few flavors and giggled down the street afterwards.
Spending time with them is something like magic. We are very affectionate toward each other and we all love to cuddle. They fell asleep in my arms and I woke up a few times during the night, only to kiss them on their foreheads and fall back asleep. I dreamt of all kind of craziness but nothing disturbing.
When my son woke up it was almost 7am and I was shocked that I slept the whole night. I never do that anymore so this was a treat. I am so grateful for where I am right now. I’m realizing everyone’s role in my life and grateful that I can play a role in theirs.
I have a paper due tomorrow and I haven’t even chosen the topic. I’m a whiz with research papers though. After I understood how to format them and organize them, its easy as cake.
I still think about those grandiose hopes and dreams that I once held but they make me smile instead of cringe because I have no idea how to accomplish them.
I mean…it would be nice to taste that kind of success but honestly…I’m okay where I am now. Even with the man hating and the bitterness and the social anxiety…I’m still cool with who I am and where I am right now.
I don’t need anything to happen in order for me to be happy and I don’t need or want a man in my life right now. I’m straight.
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I’m Through With White Girls

The other night I watched a movie that was so good that I have to blog about it.

It’s called I’m Through With White Girls
This movie is an independent low budget film that was shot by a hand held camera over the course of 24 days. Filmed in LA it features some familiar faces in its cast as well as a few newcomers. I have yet to watch a film that had me captivated like this one.
The main character (Jay) had angst about turning 30 and still being single, so he decides that the reason he is single has something to do with the fact that every white girl he dates is crazy. The movie opens with a large number of white women reading ‘Dear John’ notes that he left behind due to the fact that he does not like to confront women.
He believes Black women won’t date him because he’s nerdy so he won’t even approach them. He’s really cute and smart and he and his friends decide to do Operation Brown Sugar to help him find his lady.
That doesn’t turn out to be a good idea since the Black women he meets aren’t a good match for him either. So he meets this other chick named Catherine. She is amazing and all of his friends can tell that she is the one for him. He can’t. He tries to brush her off just like the rest, demonstrating his fear of relationships.
It turns out that he wasn’t just unlucky at love, he was actually sabotaging his relationships our of fear. Does that remind you of anyone?
Geesh! I do that all the time. I do it knowingly.
You’ll have to watch to see what happens at the end but Ima tell u one thing…if he doesnt stay with that chick..I want her. She was sooo much like me it was scary and I was attracted to her character. I thought she was hot.
I actually cried during one scene that wasn’t even sad. It was the scene where she offers him a ride and when he opens her passenger door, there’s a pile of trash and clothes in the front seat. She starts talking to him while throwing the garbage and papers into the backseat like it wasn’t nothing. I howled in laughter and then I cried because…my car looks JUST like that. I don’t really care..but I figured that was just another thing that made me unloveable. I just…never thought I’d ever see a movie where the main love interest had issues like mine and someone still loved her.
I still can’t imagine sitting across from a man and him smiling at me, actually enjoying being there, not wanting anything but to be close to me.
I’d love to study this movie more extensively. One thing I noticed was the fact that he EXPECTED every break up he had. Instead of expecting a lasting relationship, he often said, “I don’t want the break up to be about….” He said it as though he KNEW it was coming.
We always get what we expect. In fact, we DEMAND it.
I gotta change my attitude but..its not as easy as I make it sound. I think I get a charge out of proving myself right time and time again. No man loves me. Every man uses me. Every man is disgusted by me. I make that my truth every day.
At least this movie made me smile…I watched it twice and loved it both times.
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The True Love Experiment- Day 1- Betcha By Golly Wow

Everyone who reads my blog should know by now that…I am completely and utterly afraid of love. After watching the movie, ‘I’m Through With White Girls’ it became plain that I am the one who sabotages every relationship that I have with men. I do this because I do not believe that I deserve to be loved. I blamed my parents for not loving me the way I thought they should and specifically my Stepfather for telling me that I was worthless and no man would ever want me for anything but secks.

Since I grew up with that mentality being ingrained in me, I only use men for secks and I have never been loved by a man in a healthy way.
I realize now that it has been MY OWN FAULT. My expectations lead my reality. No outside influence should ever tell me what to expect and even if they do, I don’t have to believe them.
Last week an old friend posted the name of a song she loves on twitter and when I looked it up on youtube I became so angry that I spread my negative vibes everywhere I could. It wasn’t intentional, I was just hurting so badly and I didn’t know what to do with that negative energy.
Today I promised myself that I will face my fear of being loved by doing something that I rarely do- I will try to listen to one love song everyday. The mere thought of it made my head ache.
But I did it.
I googled TRUE LOVE SONGS and came across this one…
When it began playing My chest tightened. I sang along and paid close attention the lyrics. I couldn’t imagine any man feeling that way about me..but it was quite lovely to think of my friends being loved.
I don’t know if I can do this everyday because it reminds me of the disgusting love my Stepfather showed and the lack of love in my own experience but i will try. And maybe…one day, I will be able to listen to a love song without changing the station or the channel. And maybe someone will start making REAL love songs again. I don’t think there are any out there anymore.
I cried a little while listening but I made it all the way through. Ugh…My back hurts from the tightness. Ima take a shower and try to relax. And I will get through this experiment.