As I walked inside the classroom I wasn’t nervous at all.
My girlfriend from undergrad Ana had invited me to speak to her class about race relations and my experiences in undergrad and now in graduate school. The class was only half full when I walked in and a student passed me a note from Ana and I read it and put my purse on the desk as the students stared at me looking bored as hell.
I smiled and introduced myself as though I had been instructing classes for years. Here I am for the first time speaking on a college campus and it felt so natural to me. I didn’t dress up. I wore my favorite cut up jeans and a white tee with a pair of yellow and white no name brand sneakers. I wanted them to underestimate me because of my appearance and then to realize that wow- even though she looks like us, she is a POWERFUL presence.
And so it was….
I don’t even remember how I began or what I said but I poured my heart out for those freshman. I spoke to them about my experiences with racism and my own racist attitudes which were rooted in insecurity. I challenged them to think about what they want instead of what they don’t want. I told them about the struggles I endured during and after college and how my EXPECTATIONS of those struggles were what brought them about.
I spoke about how our bodies are mere tools of expression for the energy inside us- not to be judged or ridiculed but to be appreciated for the use of language and as transportation for this powerful energy. I performed a poem for them and even challenged them to understand that their thoughts are like prayers or wishes.
I even told them about having kids while I was in college and how I’m STILL FLY. They sat there, seemingly captivated by my sermon. They asked questions, they gave feedback, they shared their stories. Before I was done I made each student tell me what they learned today. One by one I went around the room and listened as they spoke about the lessons they learned from me that day. It seems that everyone got something different from my talk.
When I dismissed the class a few kids hung around to get my contact info and to tell me how much they enjoyed my talk. The last young lady, who was so beautiful by the way, came up to me in tears, the salty wetness staining her violet blouse. “You…I just want you to know that you changed me,” she said. “I know I only met you one time but I will NEVER forget this day and I will never forget meeting you. Thank you. Thank you so much for coming.”
Her tears triggered mine and we hugged before she waved goodbye and dissappeared out into the afternoon sun. I sat at the desk staring at the empty seats of the classroom. I belong here. I belong here. The words echoed in my mind like a whisper from God himself.
I don’t know how I could get there. How could I ever be a professor without going through the bullshit of dealing with the stupidity of the academic system? There has to be some other way. I know…I’m supposed to do this.
I really just…don’t know how.
Thank God for Ana’s invitation to speak to her class. When I was able to speak with her later, I found out that she is adopting a little 11 year old girl. She is so excited about being a mom. After we hung up, I remembered that I warned her class not to mess with her.
“She’s really a good person,” I explained to them. “I don’t know what ya’ll think of her and how you’ve been acting but I want you to know that you have a beautiful SOUL for an instructor. Respect her.”
Cuz I do. And I’m grateful that somehow she fell in love with me and remained in love with me through all these years through all my transitions and through all my mess. That’s a real friend. She never judged me, just loved me as I went through.
I feel so good right now…I wish I had a blunt so I could just….go to sleep.
~smile~