Month: November 2008

I ate today!

Sho’ll did! I took myself out to eat at the buffet and I had a pork chop, some grilled fish, candy yams, mashed potatoes, cheese hashbrowns and cake and icecream. I cried on my way home because it’s been so long since I had a good cooked meal.

I made good money at Denny’s last night. I realize that a little conversation goes a long way when you’re trying to get that BIG tip. I stood there and had a 10 minute conversation with a white guy who was eating alone. He said he was waiting for his friend and a girl to meet them there but they never showed.

“If he doesn’t show, that means he got lucky!” I joked. “Don’t be jealous.”

“I’m not jealous. I just got back from getting mine.”

“Was it good?”

“Yes it was, but that chick’s house was like in a gated community INSIDE a gated community and I got out of there as soon as I could!”

“Why?”

He laughed. “I fed that girl so many lines. First thing I did was tell her I’m in law school. That ALWAYS works! When it was over she asked me for my phone number and I gave it to her even though I didn’t want to. She asked me for my email address and my myspace page too! I don’t know if I gave her the right one though.”

“You’re WILD!” I laughed as I watched him eat his Moons Over MyHammy.

“NEVER date a law student!” he proclaimed.

I raised my eyebrow. “I won’t,” I promised and rolled my eyes as I walked back to the kitchen.

He left me a $12 tip.

Of course I had a bunch of drunk people come in and I took extra care of them. One drunk couple came onto me telling me straight out, “We like you. Do you like us?”

This happens more often than I like. When couples approach me to try to get me to go home with them, I’m a little bit flattered but a LOT nervous. I’m always like, “Do I look like a FREAK? Do I look like I get down like that?” I can’t picture myself actually enjoying a 3 some again unless it’s with my own man and I get to choose the woman.

When I finally got home I was so exhausted that I fell asleep right away and I slept for like 6 hours straight.

Uh oh…my classmate just called me….Let me go discuss this schoolwork.

Can I cry?Ok. This is a video that was forwarded to me by a friend(?) Remember The Prez (my ex imaginary boyfriend circa 2007)?I had to call Mimi on this one. My friend Mimi is the one person I call when I really need that serious word because not only is Mimi a certified counselor after receiving her MS in Mental Health Counseling a while back, but I respect her opinion, which means a lot.”Mimi!” I cried into the phone. “I don’t know what to do. Someone sent me a link of a video of The Prez on youtube and it made me so angry. I don’t know why I feel like this. I think it’s because when I see him and all he’s doing with himself I’m proud but I keep thinking, ‘I can do that! Why am I not doing that? What’s wrong with me?'””Oh, so you’re comparing yourself to him?” Mimi asked.”Yeah! And I don’t know why. I feel so jealous of him. I can do what he’s doing but instead I’m working at Denny’s. Instead I’m hungry all day. Instead I’m….” My voice trailed off as I began to cry. “I don’t get it. What am I doing wrong? Why is he doing so many great things that make me so attracted to him but I haven’t done anything to be proud of yet?””Ok Tee. I hear you. You recognize the greatness in him and that’s the greatest in you that is attracted to that. You’re called to be influential in the same way that he is but you are not there yet. You’re building your foundation. It’s only a matter of time. Look at it like this- You know how those people come out and are one hit wonders?””Yeah.””That’s because they got lucky in their field but they weren’t prepared to continue to give at that level so they fell off. You are building a firm foundation so when you DO become the woman you envision, you won’t just get one hit, you’ll have a steady ascent towards greatness.””Man, I feel like I hate him sometimes. I know that’s stupid,” I revealed. “I just..I just know that his interests and mine are aligned and it hurts to see someone being so successful when I KNOW that I could do what he does and more.””Tee, think about it. You’re both on the same journey but you’re in different boats. You’re in a tugboat and because of who he is and his father’s connections, he’s in a yacht. Ya’ll are headed in the same direction but his father has blessed him to be able to get there faster. You don’t have that, you’re doing it all on your own.””But Mimi what am I doing wrong? Why am I not there yet? I don’t get it. What if Ihad done things differently? What is it about me that’s stopping me from reaching my full potential?”Tee, that past is the past and you’re gonna get there Tee. You can’t do anything about the decisions that you have made but keep moving forward and learn from what you believe were mistakes.””I can’t do this Mimi. I feel so unsuccessful when I look at him. I don’t know why I keep comparing myself to him. I feel so dumb for doing it.””Tee, you’re almost there. Just keep being faithful to what you’re doing now. You’ll get there…””Thanks Mimi. I gotta go, I got my first table and I need to go see what they’re eating tonight…”I respect him for being the professional that he is and…Ima work through this jealousy. Damn…

I want to remember this day because I just had a blast at the recording studio with a man I met recently. He told me he was a songwriter and then asked for my number and I went to hang with him at the studio where he works and…the whole thing just blew my mind!

First off, he let me listen to some of the songs he’s working on with various artists and I was completely impressed. Then, I told him that I wanted to write a song too so we sat there and I sang the tune that was playing in my head- the hook to the song- and he played a little on his keyboard. Then one by one he added instruments, a horn, drums and cymbals and it was on!

“Add a sample like Kanye West does!” I urged him. He added one.

“I want this song to have a Missy Elliott type feel,” I said and he switched the pace of the song and added a tight base line.

“Ooh! Put a little booty music in it cuz I want women to feel good and shake their asses to this song in the club!” He then added another music mix to it and by the time we were done I was like WOW! I felt like we were in that scene on Hustle & Flow where they were in the studio mixing that song.

Man! He let me get all of my aggression out on the microphone. I recorded a few of my poems and he even let me sing one of the hooks he’s producing. It was nothing short of a miracle because I had JUST been planning to write a song to help market my book and here he is, a great guy who does that for a living and is completely enamored by me.

He shot me the line that most men say to me after they first spend time with me, “That was refreshing!” LOL!

“I’m sure it was,” I told him. “But please, when I kick into my overdrive DIVA, I expect nothing but excellence mode, remember how much fun we had tonight and forgive me.”

“Ok,” he promised as he walked me back to my car and gave me a big hug.

I adore creative people and this night was special because…he did not try to hit on me. I honestly felt like he enjoyed my company and didn’t want anything more than to hear me speak and laugh at my antics.

Ahhh…I’m an ARTIST! I’ve always wanted to be one…and I am.

So in the wake of the Amendment 8 being voted against in California, which basically means that same sex marriages are not legal, I came to this point where I just…want to put it out there that I’m neither heterosexual nor homosexual. This probably means I’m bi sexual since I am attracted to both sexes.

Well I am…

And what does this mean? I don’t know. Will people perceive me differently if I label myself as bi sexual? Does it matter?

Most people who have read my blog for years have followed me as I fought this battle with my sexual identity eventually deciding not to wear a label at all. So, if I am attracted to women but I prefer secks with men and I decide to label myself as bi sexual, will that affect my professional or personal goals?

Tonight I was on the phone with my sister when I said, “I think I’m gonna write that I’m bi-sexual on my facebook status.”

“So? Wait…Do you think you should do that on the internet? Will it cause controversy when your book comes out?”

“I don’t know,” I replied. “But I do want people to know that my book has homosexual and bi sexual themes throughout. I wanted it to be inclusive. My message is a message for everyone.”

“Well go ahead then,” she said.

So I went to my facebook page and I wrote: “A bisexual is a person who is attracted to both sexes. Yeah. That’s me. I’m an equal opportunity lover.”

Within 5 minutes I get a warning message from one of my college friends saying, “Be careful what you put out on the internet as its a small world.”

To which I replied something like, “Thanks for the warning but anyone who is a part of my life should and WILL respect my life and lifestyle. Do you have to hide parts of who you are? I have no shame. I love myself so much and others do too.”

Does labeling myself as a bi sexual really affect how others view me? Am I different today than I was yesterday? Could people really be that judgemental?

Hmm? Only time will tell. I’ll keep you updated.

Tamara…Are you going to kill me?

I’m not sure if it’s just me or if it’s…yeah, it’s me but I think I’m becoming discouraged about grad school. It’s not like it’s hard it’s just…I don’t like feeling like I’m succeeding and this semester I’m not doing well on my tests. I hate tests. I don’t test well and I’m beginning to feel like this was a mistake. I love learning what I’m learning but when I’m trying to “study” AKA memorize shit I think my heart is resistent to what I’m reading. I studied for my last exam and I still didn’t do well. PLUS, all that shit I studied, I don’t remember at all now.

Maybe this wasn’t the right road for me. I’m not an information regurgitator. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’m not as smart as I thought after all. Maybe I need to step back and really see if this degree is worth me feeling like an ass and not passing exams. I just want to eat. I really, just want to eat on a regular basis and have money to take care of my kids. The same shit, the same fucking dream since I graduated undergrad and I have yet to accomplish it. This is crazy to me. All this talent and drive and energy and absolutely nothing to show for it.

I’m going to bed. Why try to study this shit if I am not going to remember it anyway? Am I wasting my fucking time in school?

This is my professor Dr. Guterman, he’s teaching my Personality Theories class. I love him because he’s the most intelligent man I’ve ever met and when he speaks to you, he speaks with so much patience and love that you’d think he was trying to holla! LOL! His class is challenging more than I’ve ever been challenged in this program but I’ve also learned the most I’ve ever learned about personality development from him. The famed psychologist Albert Ellis was his mentor and he even has a page on wikipedia, which is one of my fantasy goals. I cried in class again tonight. I wish I could take you on a journey with me through my coursework. I cry because I have to, I learn because I want to. I am challenged because I need to be in order to grow and share and heal.I was doubting my ability to succeed but after speaking with Dr. Guterman and other classmates, I believe I can make it through, regardless of my different learning style. If you ever want to learn more about who you are and help others, consider becoming a therapist. It’s a life changing experience.