Posted on

After The Show

Last night’s show was my best show ever, well, in my opinion.

I didn’t plan to have so much fun but my guest for the evening made it so. I invited my old highschool sweetie to be my featured caller. We talked for an hour about the 3 relationships that have affected his life the most. I was surprised when the first person he said was ME, he then went on to describe in detail how talented and beautiful I am and how I influenced him to want more for his life.

I’m sitting there with my lovely assistant Olive and I’m blushing like crazy! Not cuz I like him or anything but, when he and I discussed the show topic he told me that he would talk about his mother so I was prepared for REAL therapy and I was not prepared for all of that praise.

Now get this, my ex and I are really great friends. In fact, he’s told me that I am his OLDEST friend of all. I respect his opinion, though he gets on my nerves with it, but his ability to articulate his thoughts in a manner that is smooth yet intelligent really turns me on. We talked about us, our relationship, having secks for the first time. I even told the story of losing my virginity to him. My assistant, Olive kept pointing to the sky and when I got a moment she whispered, “You’re on the radio!” and I laughed.

She obvioulsy doesn’t know that I don’t give a damn about exposing myself cuz I don’t care about making a good impression. It’s not a priority for people to see me in a certain light.

The BEST part about the show was allowing him to express himself about the election and what this means to his psyche as a Black man. To which he said, “I am no longer a Black man in a white world, I am now a man.” Or something like that. I’ll add the audio as soon as I can. I thought it was a phenomenal statement.

I loved speaking with him as always and I can not wait to have him on the show again.

Posted on

Steak Dinners

Sometimes I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I trust myself, I do, it’s just looking at how much I hustle to make connections and do things in a proficient manner, I don’t see the reward from this shit.

I had to turn down the deal from the publisher who was interested in my book. In no way could I ever work with someone who says one thing and doesn’t deliver. It’s simple, you say “I am going to do this” and you do it. That’s not hard. I give nothing less so I expect nothing less. I am not afraid to walk away from a deal that does not feel right. So here I am back at square one, looking for an agent or a publisher while I am continually meeting more and more Black women my age who already have the title ‘author’ on their resumes.

I’m reconnecting with Black female friends who are working on doctorate degrees and even the people I know who were hiding from the repo man just a couple of short years ago are now homeowners, rocking blackberries and shit. I’m still wondering how I’m gonna pay my Metro bill.

Yeah, I’ma give myself a moment to feel sorry for myself. Shit, I used to throw scheduled pity parties but lately I find no reason to feel bad about my life because I am so appreciative of who I am and the gifts that God has given me.

But today I’m studying up on successful women. Reading bios, trying to see what they did that I didn’t do. I’m not finding anything major. That’s why I don’t get why I am where I am and they are where they are. Why am I eating oatmeal for breakfast, lunch and dinner while they’re hiring assistants and shopping for fun?

Everyone close to me says, “Oh Tee, it’s just a matter of time. Your personality, your skills, your drive! I can see your success. It’s coming!”

For real? When? When am I going to be able to have my sons back with me? They need me. They need to see me day in and day out on the grind. They need to travel with me and be exposed to my path to success. I need them to bless me and inspire me with their juvenile wisdom.

I wrote my FUTURE author bio the other day and I sent it to my friends. It sounded so beautiful, it had me with multiple best selling books, a retreat for couples in distress and I even married Kanye West and had two daughters; Bliss and Rain. Yeah, it’s fun to imagine my success. It’s cool to sit in front of a candle and stare at the flame envisioning my dreams coming true. I can almost TASTE the juicy steak and shrimp with garlic mashed potatoes prepared by my wonderful personal chef.

The fucked up thing about it all is, it’s not like I can quit and go back. Back to what? No where to go but forward. Wanting to be the woman I feel like I am in my mind but outside I’m looking like a mess.

Wanting to make a difference in people’s lives but feeling like my words don’t help at all. I really, really want my sons to look at me and say, “What a Mama!”

I want a real bed. A hug. A warm meal. A smile. A suprise paycheck. Something to add to my resume.

Man, I’m trippin. Things take time. As long as I have these oatmeal packets and I get to go to Denny’s every weekend to make my gas money, I’ll be alright.

~sniff~ What’s that smell?

Great…my roommates are making steaks right now. Isn’t that ironic? Maybe that beautiful scent is a sign of land.

I’ll have to believe it is.

Posted on

My First eBook is now for sale!

You may now purchase my first published work as an eBook.

I finally figured out how to format and publish eBooks for sale on Lulu.com.

I made an eBook with my favorite original poems in it. If you have $1.25 to spare, go on over and purchase a copy!

Sun & Shadow Poetry- 8 Reflections From My Life Journey

I’m sure you’ll love it!

Thanks so much for your support!

Ms. Tee
Posted on

Cultivating My Brand

Whew! What an active day!

Not that I did anything besides write and plan but…my mental muscles are strong now that I realize that I can create eBooks on my own.

I am sooo excited to report that I MADE THREE WHOLE DOLLARS FROM MY EBOOK SALES TODAY!

LOL!

Ok, so I had a deep and annoying, yet challenging yet refreshing chat with my friend Ryan today. The thing is, I have no idea what I’m doing as I pursue my goal of branding myself as an author, speaker and relationship therapist. All I do is research others who have attained similar goals and reach out to them by email asking for advice. Then I try to imitate what they have done, their business model, by using my own special skills and personality.

Since I have no one to guide me, this road is a little lonely and frustrating. I used to daydream about having a mentor who would tell me, “Do this. Call this person. Speak like this. Write like that.” No one has materialized who can play this role in my life so I have to figure it out myself. Thank goodness I have supersmart friends and through the magic of facebook, somehow I’m connecting with other equally ambitious and talented people and I learn from them.

One of them is this chick that I met when I was in Houston last year. I think we sat at the same table at the Power Summit and exchanged business cards but I haven’t seen or spoken to her since then. Maybe an email or something, I don’t know. All I know is, she contacted me on facebook and we’ve been lighting up the messaging service ever since. She is ambitious, started her own company and is eager to partner with me since she has similar goals and is already a published author. I look forward to seeing where this leads.

Another person who really excited me is the chick who organized Marry Your Baby Daddy Day. Remember that movement that happened a couple of years ago that encouraged couples who were co habitating to go ahead and get hitched? Well, I reached out to her because I had a question about my marketing plan and she was happy to offer help. Since then I have become addicted to her blog- she’s CRAZY! I love her style and her flavor and I believe we think alike on a certain level. She’s not afraid to write about the things we THINK about but never admit to. I can’t wait to buy one of her novels, since she too, is already a published author and I’ve been asked to contribute to her blog whenever I have the inspiration. I love that! My web presence is growing steadily!

I had to stop writing my 2nd book because I have to tie up the first one. Since I decided to find another publisher, I also have to find another designer for my book and eBook. My designer got missing on me and that is unnaceptable to me. AGAIN, if you are working with me there needs to be an open line of communication and mutual respect and if you do not provide that, we can not work together. Period. This makes me sad because she is a fierce designer and person but…I can’t compromise on this. Once I begin to feel like I’m not being taken seriously when it comes to my work, I walk. My work is very important to me and so is feeling as though my requests are being respected. So here I go trying to learn how to design for myself.

My friend Ryan says I should not even be thinking about learning design because I need to focus on the gifts I already have and let someone else whose gift is design, help me. Yeah, I feel him but after investing a WAD of cash into this project and then being let down, I need to learn to rely on myself. Please forgive me if my projects aren’t as beautiful as they could be. I’m just starting to learn how to use photoshop and to be honest it’s not fun at all to me. I don’t have an artistic imagination like that.

The business of writing a book is much more than just WRITING the book. After the words are on the page you have to find an agent and then a publisher and THEN you have to go back and forth designing and editing the book. The advice Ryan gave me, since he’s a very successful businessman, is to cut the price of my eBook down to a dollar in order to make it more affordable to people. I was upset, but he was like, “If you make it a dollar, more people will read it and pass it along then when your bigger projects come up, you can charge more. Right now just let your friends and readers support you with this small price. You’ve been giving away free content for years, they’ll spend a dollar to thank you since you’ve been faithful to them.”

So I slashed the price and checked my sales and I got THREE SALES TODAY! LOL! When I think about it, I have to be proud of myself because it took me 2 hours to create the eBook (and it looks like it-LOL!) and I used some of my old poetry which only took me having to copy and paste from my computer. I hope to sell at least 100 copies and since it’s so easy I’ll offer more eBooks on success every once in a while just to keep my arsenal of content flowing.

~sigh~

I feeel great! I know I’m up for a challenge with this whole ‘becoming a designer’ thing but maybe I’ll actually be good. LOL! Sorry, I don’t really believe in myself that much. I’d much rather stick to writing but until I can attract a designer who is talented, consistent and an open communicator I’ll have to figure it out myself.

Oh yeah…I’m uploading the audio files for my last 3 radio shows so you all can hear me try to figure this radio talk show host thing out. ~smile~ It’s fun because you’ll get to hear my bestfriend Tamara speak and a lot of the other people I write about. You can check out the links to listen on my online portfolio.

Be brave. Do the thing that feels right. And if you can’t find help, figure it out for yourself until you can do better. No Excuses. Go for what you KNOW you deserve!
Posted on

Maybe It’s My Destiny

When I went to work last night and I picked up my check I noticed that it was half of what it usually is. Usually I get like $65-$70 but this time my check was $35. Then I saw that my wages had been garnished and I remembered the notice I got from child support saying they were gonna garnish my wages.

It kinda made me laugh but then I was sad. All of those years I didn’t get child support from my BBDD and now they are taking half of my $70 check to give to him when he makes more than 5 G’s a month?

~sigh~

Then I had to ask God:

Why do you do this to me? Without that money I can’t even make sure I have food for my kids when they come visit me. What did I do wrong in my life? Why do I feel like he’s sitting back and laughing at me? Why does it seem like he always comes out on top? If I could have gotten half of HIS paycheck back in the day so easily as he is getting mine I would have never had to leave Miami.

I would never have had to struggle in Atlanta. I would have never went to Houston and then Dallas and then…Wait.

I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I had gotten that money from him. Maybe that’s it God. Maybe you wanted me to grow and now I have grown in spirit and as a professional. Maybe I’m still learning a lesson now. Whatever the deal is, I accept it and I appreciate that this is all a part of my destiny. I always have just enough for us. I’m okay.

Thank you.

Posted on

Super Daddy!

What a day! I spent the day with my boys after picking them up from school yesterday and heading to my Mama’s house for some leftover birthday cake. It seems like they get a day off from school every week! While we were there, they had the usual brother fights. At one point my son came screaming down the hall clutching his hand and dove into my arms. His big brother followed solemnly. As I rubbed my baby’s head and kissed it I asked his brother firmly, “What Happened?!”

He lowered his gaze and replied, “I picked up my foot and this part hit him.” It took me a minute to grasp the story and then I blurted out, “So…You kicked him?! Get your behind in that bathroom and wait until I come get you!” His brother followed him out of the room and me and my Mama laughed and laughed.

He picked up his foot and his foot hit him?!! What a way to describe what happened! I couldn’t stop laughing!

So we woke up this morning and I watched them make breakfast. I’ve all but given up on cooking so I taught my boys how to use the microwave themselves and now they know just what to do. They read the directions on the hot pockets or the Kid Cuisines and stir everything themselves. I lounge back lazily watching to make sure they don’t make a mess. LOL!

Fuck it! I don’t cook. They should know me by now. I’m not trying to be someone I’m not. They need to get used to it.

I’m getting my swagger back after hearing from my boys, “Hyperchick has a baby in her belly!” Ohh..So your Daddy and his chick is pregnant? Wow. I was on cloud nine all day after hearing that news. First because my sons have really wanted another sibling and second because I can’t wait to see what this baby looks like. I hope it looks just like him!

“Are you gonna be the baby’s stepmom?” my younger son asked me.

“I ain’t gonna be nothing to the baby! That’s ALL HERS! It ain’t mine!” I sang as I twirled around in my sun dress and sandals. Ahhh..I’m so fly! I had my kids young! I look great! I am not fat! Yeah ME! GO TEE! GO TEE!

I went to bed smiling and planning on all the things I would buy for the baby and how I’d pick the baby up and babysit and love on that baby. I really do want to. I love kids. The baby can call me Aunty.

Then today reality must have hit me. Hold up. He gonna have three kids now! LOL! Then I felt sad as I remembered both of my pregnancies and how lonely I was and how he didn’t want anything to do with me and refused to even drive me to the hospital when I went into labor. How come she get all the love when I gave him two great sons?

Then I got over it and laughed and laughed! He gonna have THREE KIDS! Wow! He’s an old Daddy now. THREE KIDS, stuck in the house with his wife collecting a paycheck. Ahhh..I’m so glad that’s not me.

I think I felt so good after that, I attracted me a new designer. Now, this designer is an artist that I met online a while back. Everytime I turn around I’m getting a new link about some art competition that he has won, an art show that he is putting on and how much money he has collected. I LOVE having philosophical conversations with him about life, love and relationships. I had already told him about my book being finished and when he saw me online today he asked about it and I asked him if he would have time to design a cover for me.

“Anything for you. You can pay me whenever you get the money,” he said and commenced to tell me that he designs book covers professionally and couldn’t believe that I didn’t ask him to do it before. So I’m going to give him a try. Hell, it’s not like I’m paying him a big fee upfront anyway. I can’t wait to see what he comes up with. Now all I have to do is learn how to design the inside of the book.

I’m not sure if I want to release the book as an eBook anymore. I think I’ll try it as an audio book first and see how that goes before I get the print versions. Oh me! Iknow I must be boring you to tears with my stories about trying to publish this book but it’s error after error, trial after trial but I will not settle for less than excellence when it comes to this product because I really believe it will be a great and inspirational read.

I was so full of angst earlier even though I had a great time cuddling and talking with my boys but..I’m all better now. I have a paper to write for class so let me get to it!

Posted on

Trying To Be Me

I am soo not feeling grad school right now. I mean, I love what I’m learning but these 3 hour classes are killing me. I can’t pay attention for that long at one time. PLUS- it seems like one of my classes this semester is more of a “Memorize this” class and that is my biggest weakness.

I don’t learn well that way. I don’t learn well by taking notes. I have to put the lesson in action or have an indepth discussion of the topic with personal examples in order for me to get it. I’m not a student in the sense of I take exams and do well on them. This semester I have exams. Rote memorization. Group projects. ~sigh~ I hate group projects. You have to collaborate and shit. Wait for them to catch up with you, cooperate and shit. I’m not like that man. Fuck. I don’t know what to do.

If only I had a class that studied things and then had me to demonstrate my knowledge of the subject in a creative way. Man..I’m really feeling like a failure after not doing well on my last exam and then knowing that I have another one coming up PLUS this group presentation. I should have elected to do the whole thing by myself. I don’t work on other people’s timeline…

So frustrated. So frustrated. Wishing I could learn all this and then just go talk to the professors about it and learn from them. I know they think I’m weird.

I’ve spoken with 3 professors about my goals and one told me, “I’m gonna give you advice, Tee. Don’t tell people about all of the projects and goals you have. You’ll scare them.” ANother one said, “Do you really think you can accomplish all of that in 3 years?” WHY NOT? WHY NOT? I don’t get it…

I’m not trying to scare anyone. I’m just trying to BE ME. I’m trying to find someone else who sees visions like I do for their life and who is actively going after them instead of going to school to get a JOB. I’m not in school to get a JOB. I’m in school to learn so that I can be a better help to people through my writing and speaking in the future.

I feel so alone in this. No one understands me.

Man….

Posted on

My Second eBook is on the Market

I couldn’t sleep last night so I wrote another e-Book. This time the design is way better and I really enjoyed designing it. I can’t believe how much fun this is. I remember telling my old designer, “I wish I could do it myself.” because I felt like waiting on her to finish her part was taking forever. And she said, “Well you can’t! Everyone needs help.”

Guess what? YES I CAN!

I now throughly enjoy writing these eBooks and then sitting there and going line by line choosing fonts and graphics for them. I have a vision in my mind and I make it come to pass. I feel so FREE now that I’m not sitting around waiting for someone to make my vision come true. This is also an excellent way for me to make a passive income. That has been a dream of mine since I first heard the term. A passive income is an income that is generated with very little effort on your part. I’ll do the work initially, like writing and designing this eBook myself, and then put it on the net. Once I do that, i can make money from orders while I’m sleeping, while I’m in class or even while I’m on vacation.

I study successful people and the one thing I have learned is, they ALL have a plan that makes them money while they aren’t even there. I guess I’m on the fast track to success because I can easily come up with topics and create at least one eBook a week to address the issue. Pretty soon I won’t have to worry about paying my phone bill or buying food. I’ll be eating steak in no time!

I hope you pick up my 2nd eBook! It’s called ….

Get Over Him! How to Move on After A Break-Up

It answers very important questions that women struggling to let go of their ex might ask:Why do I feel so miserable? What did I do wrong? How long is it going to take to get over this? Why won’t he talk to me? Why can’t we be friends?You may purchase it by clicking HERE! It’s only $3. Buy one today! Yay!I’m so proud of myself!

Posted on

We See What We Choose To See

Is it true that we see what we choose to see?If so, is my negative relationship with my BBDD just a figment of my imagination? I mean, he says the words he says but, is it my perception of those words or the value placed on those words REALLY my desire to see what I want to see him-to paint him as a tyrant and me as a victim?Do I want to be a victim forever? Do I want to start seeing him in a different light? Was it me all that time choosing to see him as the demi-god who ruled over my life and defined who I am? I think that is what happened. I wanted to see him as my ruler. I wanted to give him power over my life so I gave it to him. I wanted him to treat me the way he did because I allowed it and I innately felt that was what I deserved. I will only allow treatment that I feel I deserve. No one at any job that I may have will ever interact with me in a way that I feel I don’t deserve.I created him being the boogey man in my life because I felt like that is what I deserved.I created it. I pushed him into that. I first accepted it. Then I fed into it with my fear, feeding his attachment to this role which he played so well. Then I continue to feed by believing it and enforcing it. I was such a weak fool, needing his criticism because it was the only way I felt I could face myself in a world filled with so much praise for my many gifts. I connected myself with the one person who saw me as the opposite of who I am. And I forced him to see me in that way because I trained him to treat me that way by leading it, and accepting.As I write this I am emotionless. I feel as though I’m writing about someone else. I remember when his friend came to visit and I guess he wanted to show him my house. When he came inside he immediately began barking orders at me and I jumped so high because I was deathly afraid of him.of HIM!Laughable now…now that I see him as some peon. Well, not really a peon, just not worthy of my time and attention. He was once a giant in my life, now he’s an ant.And his behavior didn’t change. My perception of him changed. Which affected my behavior. Which affected how I interact with him. Which affected how my value I put on his words. Which dethrones him from the place as king of my life.I see what I choose to see in every area of my life. When I wanted The PRez to be in love with me, he was. When I wanted to see the best in my girlfriend, I did when everyone else saw the negative..and she turned out to be just as shady as everyone who warned me but NO- that was my friend and she doesn’t treat me like that so she is WONDERFUL!I see what I choose to see.It’s perception and value and it all starts right here in my mind. The world is exactly the kind of place I imagine it to be. Filled with creeps and jealous hoes or filled with miracles and synchronicities that fulfill my wildest dreams.I see what I choose to see…So allow me to choose wisely.