Month: July 2007

Today was such a hectic day.

I didn’t get half of my to-do list accomplished. But instead of being frustrated about it I decided to take a nap to clear my mind.

I dreamt of going to a party where all of these people I hadn’t seen in so long were laughing and and enjoying each other. I went around the room and looked at everyone, trying to capture their faces in my memory because…I knew it was all a dream.

I sat down on the couch and relaxed, enjoying the comfort of a nice big sofa. My boys ran in and started playing on the floor. I looked at my oldest son and said, “Come sit with me.”

He smiled and joined me on the couch and I gave him a great big hug.

Then next thing you know, my family showed up, all of my cousins, aunts and uncles from Miami. It reminded me of the family parties we used to have where the everyone used to drink as much as they could handle and dance, dance, dance.

My goddaddy walked through the door and I greeted him. Then my uncle showed up. The one who died last year. He was wearing a white tee and some white dress pants and a white belt. He had a cigarette dangling from his lips as always and a white cup of some kind of brown drink. He danced over to me and gave me a hug. I hugged him snugly, lingering for a moment, just for old times sake and we danced some more.

I woke up smiling and remembering my boys.

I took for granted being a Mom back then. I was so hard on myself about my shortcomings. I wish I had just..enjoyed life more and enjoyed being with them.

We used to have fun. We’d go outside in the backyard and set up the tent. Then all 3 of us would climb in and pretend to take a nap. We used to go for walks around the block and I’d teach them about being in the streets and how you had to always watch your back, front and sides and notice everyone. We’d practice crossing the street. “Look left, right, then left again. Now run!”

I remember when my son first started kindergarten and he cried and cried and I cried too. That big ol’school. That book bag he wore was bigger than he was.

I used to get up early and take him to school everyday. All 3 of us would walk into the cafeteria and get breakfast. I taught him how to open his milk.

One day, I was getting out of the car to walk him in and he told me that he could do it himself.

“Are you sure?” I asked him.

“Yes, Mama.”

“Do you know what to do?”

“Yes, Mama.”

And I watched him walk away into the big school.

I cried in the car.

I miss those times. I miss those days.

I miss being a Mama.

Even though the days flow like molasses and I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I know this situation is temporary and I know that my sons will be with me again.

Never take for granted the role of motherhood. It’s the sweetest, most precious thing.

I never fantasized about being a mother when I was younger, all I wanted to do was become a leader and help people.

But Motherhood was God’s greatest gift to me so far. The best surprise I could ever receive.

I want to be a Mama again, to my boys and to my future children.

I want to hold my baby in my arms, change diapers and breastfeed.

I want to watch him (or her) take first steps and laugh.

My oldest son didn’t need coaxing for potty training. One day he woke up and snatched off his diaper. “I want to wear underwear,” he said.

I laughed at him.

I’ll never take for granted having friends and having fun. I miss those times of laughing with my cousins and their kids.

One day Anna brought her daughter over and we put the kids in the room and got loose off some vodka and orange juice while they played.

I don’t know when I’m gonna be a Mom again, but I’m grateful everyday for their father because he’s taking such good care of them.

I’m grateful that I am single too. No man drama in my life.

I am grateful for the relationship that I have developed with God. All my trust is in Him. No one is taking care of me but Him. No one cares more than He does.

My friends are so good to me. I laugh when I think about how their phone calls mean so much to me. They have no idea that their kind words mean the world to me. I am uplifted by their voices, IM’s and text messages.

I miss my friends.

I miss my old life but I’m setting the stage for a new one, right here in Dallas.

Dallas?

I never even thought about visiting Texas before I got here. I used to see the state on the map and think, “That’s where the cowboys live.”

I know that living in the past is a failure method and I don’t want to do that it’s just…my days are spent all alone, such a new experience for me.

Soon I’ll be surrounded by love and laughter, I’m sure of that. Soon I’ll be secure in my income and working in my passion. I’ll have my boys with me and they’ll be glad to be back with their Mama.

I can’t wait.

Remember back in the day when we all used to do meme’s? What happened to those?

I thought about making one up but then I decided to add a little twist. Instead of words, let’s do a scavenger hunt! You can find pictures, links, videos or music codes or graphics but NO WORDS to respond to the following questions.

Have fun!

Which childhood movie did you watch over and over again?

Did you hear about what Microsoft has developed?

The software giant has built a new touchscreen computer—a coffee table that will change the world. Go inside its top-secret development with PopularMechanics.com, then forget the keyboard and mouse: The next generation of computer interfaces will be hands-on.

Watch the demo video.

Sure, I do expect to obtain recognition and fortune as a result of my hard work.

Yes, I do expect to marry a brilliantly wealthy man who is kinda nerdy, but honors me.

But those are not my only expectations for my life. That’s not even a focus because to me..all that is a given. It’s what I deserve and desire and I will have the desires of my heart.

I have a gift that I want to give to this world. It’s a gift from my soul, passed to me straight from God. It’s the gift of an encouraging word, it’s the gift of laughter and fun through the rough times. It’s the gift of story telling, taking your life and painting it like Picasso with colorful words.

I follow my peace throughout this journey. If there is no peace, there is no Tee. It’s not something that I can explain to anyone. It’s not a checklist that I can show you so that it will all make sense. Most times it doesn’t even make sense to me.

None of this does, really. So imagine how I feel out here in this city with no one or nothing to fall back on, completely believing in faith in my imagined end. Imagine how I must feel when I dare to open my mouth and share my dreams with others. They look at me like I’m crazy. They tell me I’m unrealistic.

How dare you expect those things for your life?!

Why not?

All I know is…what’s in my heart to do. I’m loyal, almost to a fault sometimes so leaving anything behind always hurts my heart. Especially when I’m moving forward to the unfamiliar.

Even though the days are long…I can’t help but to remember my time in Houston and how long those days seemed. Now…those days are just…a part of my story. Nothing more. I can’t feel the sting of loneliness I felt back then.

I remember it, but those feelings have been replaced by new ones.

I know I’ve come a long way and I can’t give up now. I can’t change a thing about my past and I don’t want to. I can’t change a thing about where I am right now. By looking ahead I will move ahead.

I do wish I knew the magic path to success. I do wish that I could snap my fingers and all of my dreams had come true. I wish that I could move on from thinking about “him” and I wish that I could be the type of mother that I know that I am capable of being.

Since I live by the law of reaping and sowing I comfort myself by remembering that what I put out into this world will be returned, everyday, in every way. That keeps me accountable, keeps me humble and keeps me from reacting out of my emotions most of the time. I just…can’t wait to see it manifest, that helpful hand reaching out to me, saying, “This is the way. Here’s your chance.”

I seek God and his righteousness. I allow the people who show no interest in being a positive part of my life to walk away. I pray everyday and I fast from the things that would hinder me from hearing God clearly. I’m not trying to be a preacher I just want what God has for me. I want to be a blessing to this world, in all sincerity. Can a heart like mine be received and not judged as false, even though I expect honor and fortune?

I’m getting into that old mood again. The mood that had me trembling at night out of agony because no one is near to give me a simple hug. I don’t remember how I got through it the last time but I know I can get through it again.

But even through all my faith walking and talking I succumb to my emotions and ask God, “When is it going to be my time? When will all of this pain and loneliness be over? When can I reap the benefits of my faith walk? When can people start to see the glory over my life because of my obedience to you?”

I’m tired God. I’m tired of wandering.

I am ready for what you have for me.

I am ready.

My Mama sent me a letter today along with the picture DVD she made for my aunt’s funeral.

The letter reads:

Hey Tee

Hope all is well; here is the memorial DVD of my sister and a copy of the obituary. Sorry you could not make it. Everybody is fine and going on with their lives. Since we talk all the time, I have nothing more to write. Talk to you later.

Love,

Your Mother

I cried.

LOL! She never writes me letters. It felt so good to get one from her.

I saw her on the MSN messenger tonight and said Hi. She asked me when I was going to change my status from “Happy Birthday Kanye!” I told her, “When he calls me and tells me thank you.”
She typed, “He already called me and told me to tell you to stop stalking him cuz he got a man.”

She is soooo silly!

I miss her.

She’s cool. She doesn’t bad mouth anyone or put anyone down. She keeps to herself and works on her little computer projects for fun. She puts in all of these hours of work when holidays come and she doesn’t charge anyone for any of the work she does. I’m like, “Ma, you could make some money.” But she says she is just keeping busy.

Today was a pretty good day. I spoke to Kim a million times and we discussed the J.K. Rowlings story. This woman went from poverty as a single mom to being the first person to become a billionaire from writing BOOKS. Now she gives millions to charities worldwide! That’s gonna be me! I am going to be a philanthropist! I feel tingles all over. I love inspirational stories and I can’t wait to start writing biographies of successful people. My dream biography is…Halle Berry. Oooh! I can’t wait! I’ve been fantasizing about this book for YEARS! I already have the title and everything.

I feel like I’m getting closer to the promise because so many people are falling by the wayside. They are frustrated with the decisions that I make for my life and say they can’t take watching me live like this anymore.

I could see if I was a complaining chick; then I could understand their annoyance but since I’m always trying to be positive and follow my peace, I don’t get it. But then again I do… It’s all love.

This is a crazy journey I’m on and who knows where I’ll end up next. I’m just here…waiting for something to happen. I spend my days reaching out to people who I believe can use my gift. I tell them who I am and I tell them about my journey. I’m trying to make a connection but..I haven’t found the divine match yet. I know that it would make a good story for radio or print or even television. It would make a great reality show even! Lifetime movie? I can see it now…

WOMAN RISKS ALL TO FIND HER PERFECT PLACE IN THE WORLD, WATCH HER STORY UNFOLD AS SHE FULFILLS HER DESTINY

I just need someone to believe with me.

Besides marketing myself, I also spend most of my time praying. Sounds all “dreamy” but it’s not, it’s regular. I’m not on my knees with my hands clasped. I’m usually just laying wrapped inside my blanket with my eyes squeezed tightly and talking to God that way.

I ask Him to show me if I’m doing anything wrong on this journey. Then I ask Him to forgive me for my mistakes. I often ask Him to show me what my next move should be. I trust that all of my creativity and intelligence comes from Him so I ask Him for ideas all the time.

Can I miss Him if I diligently seek Him? I don’t think so. So that brings me peace knowing that sooner than later something is going to break. Even if it means that I have to leave Dallas, then it will be because something better popped up somewhere else. But God knows that I want to bring my kids here, buy a home here and be a blessing to this city but we’ll see what He does and I’m still open… I am…

Until then…I just wait and write on my website. It’s a lot more work than I thought it was going to be.

Writing on my blog is like eating popcorn. I don’t think, I just write. Writing for my website requires deep thinking and strategies as I seek sponsorships and develop a strong editorial calendar. And then the style of writing is different as well because I’m trying to set a certain voice for it and I’m not sure what that will be yet. I can’t wait until I get more writers to join in and help but until I do I will just keep giving the best of what I have.

Ok, I wanted to hide it from everyone so I’ll look like I’m strong but…I still think about The Prez everyday. More than once. More than twice. ~sadly~ I wish I didn’t. I wish I could forget. I feel like a fool.

Fantasizing about a man who is not remotely interested in me is a trait that I used to have and I thought that I would have grown from that by now so I am dissappointed in myself.
But I’ll get over it.In a minute…for now I’ll just enjoy the fantasy until God takes it away and replaces it with real love.I’m so happy right now! I can feel the blessing coming soon.Tomorrow I’m going to do what I love to do, volunteer!I’ll write about it later. Lord, please let me wake up on time.~smile~

I woke up yesterday earlier than I had to. I never use an alarm clock. I just program myself to wake up because I don’t like loud noises especially early in the morning.

I immediately called Kim, realizing that although I told her that I wouldn’t wake her up at 7am, I must have programmed myself to wake her up anyway. But when I called she was already getting dressed for her meeting.

I laid back down for another hour and she called me back to wake me up and I finally got up. I was excited because I found a group of women who does service in the community and I love to do community service. I live for it!

This group was meeting to volunteer at a food bank at 9:30 am. I got dressed, ate some oatmeal and meditated for a while before hopping into my car to find the place. I drove up and down for 20 minutes and I still couldn’t find the address so I called the contact number and no one answered. I called another contact number and still no answer.

I was pissed! Dude, I’m trying to volunteer. If the event starts at 9:30 we should already be there by 9:15. Where are these chicks?

Fuck that. I went home.

Around 9:50 my phone started ringing and I didn’t answer it. I have no time for tardiness. That is unacceptable. I won’t be attending any other functions with them.

My sorority sisters would have been on point and ready to serve. We operated in excellence!

I remember back when I was in college I was all about joining a sorority. There was only one choice for me, AKA. I considered the rest to be…imitations.

But AKA was not on my yard and I was greatly dissappointed. I still wanted to do service so I looked at the service sororities on my campus and I ran across these chicks who were wild as hell and they seemed to have so much fun together!

I attended an interest meeting but later learned that they weren’t having a line that semester. The following semester they invited me back to another interest meeting and I thought, “What the hell…I’ll pledge. It’s just community service.”

I WAS WRONG!

Those chicks had us on lock! They had us singing songs for their behinds, meeting in dark parking lots to practice skits and throwing parties for them. I would have quit the first week after I saw they actually were pledging us, but I didn’t want them to think they got the best of me. So Instead of quitting I became my line’s president and I went through so many freaking emotions as I got to know my line sisters and we tried to prove ourselves to our big sisters. Nothing we did was right. No project we did was good enough.

When one of our service projects was covered in the school paper, we were so proud but they just smirked and said, “Hmm…they listed you as Gamma Sigs. You’re not sisters yet.”

That pledging mess is pyschological, there’s no doubting that.

I remember one night there was a party and my friend (who wasn’t pledging) invited me to go out with her since we rarely saw each other. I didn’t really want to go since it was t-shirt day and we were required to wear our pledge t-shirts all day in public.

As we neared the entrance to the club I froze when I saw my big sisters walking in. Although they didn’t look my way I knew they saw me. ~whispering~ They saw everything.

“Come on,” my friend urged when she saw that I didn’t move.

“Naw..I can’t go in.” I said meekly and leaned against the wall.

“What?” She was confused.

“My big sisters are in there.”

“So?”

I knew she wouldn’t understand but I tried to explain. “My line sisters are coming to this party, but they’re not here yet. If I go in without them, I’m breaking the line and I don’t wanna hear about that shit in chapter.”

“Girl, please!” she said and rolled her eyes.

“Dawg. You don’t understand. I can’t go in.”

She was upset with me but I told her to just go in and I’d come in when the rest of my line got there. I called their cell phones and they said they were on their way. Twenty minutes later they finally got there and we walked in together, in our maroone pledge shirts, as a complete line.

Whew! I’m so glad that process is over. Looking back on it, it was fun but…I’ll never be a pledge again. If you don’t invite me, I’m not joining.

I looked around Dallas to see if they had any graduate chapters I could join but I didn’t find any.

I want to serve in the community. I want to organize events and raise money. I want to be a part of a group of women of excellence who are on point and precise.

I considered joining a Black professional organization but then after the last meeting I went to, I’m not so sure I want to do that because of…you know..the men.

They get on my nerves. They act like they never had pussy before. We’re all grown. None of us are virgins, I’m just a woman like all the rest of them. STOP TRYING TO HAVE SECKS WITH ME! Damn!

I feel like maybe I should auction off my Texas virginity to the highest bidder!

I just want to be cool and hang out. I want to make friends. When I am being myself, they are attracted to me. So when I switch up and am mean, they are attracted even more. I don’t know what to do. I don’t mind having men admire me but they don’t know how to keep it on the low. They move too fast and too aggressively when I have not given them any indication that I welcome their advances. If I like a man, he will KNOW. I will tell him. “Hey, I like you.” Then he can be as aggressive as he wants. But if I haven’t done that, can you just…be my friend?

Can we hang out without your penis bulging through your pants? Can we have a good time together allowing me to get to know you before you start asking me about my underwear?

I’m not really complaining, it just makes me feel sad and frustrated. I have a lot to give. I’m a leader. I’m positive. I have lots of creative ideas and I am intelligent. I genuinely want to see other people excel in their life goals. I’m not just here to be screwed.

I like to do it. Well..I used to like to do it, and I’d love to do it again, but I’m not going to until I’m sure the man likes me for ME.

Anyway…I thought about all of this today as I walked around my apartment. When I got to my room, I saw my bathing suit sitting on top of the suitcase. I decided to go out to the pool and lay out to get a tan since my friend Dianna joked that I was probably pale as hell from sitting in the house all day everyday.

I put on my 2 piece bathing suit, it’s the kind with the shorts for the bottom and the top ties around the neck. I was about to grab a t-shirt to cover it but when I looked at myself in the mirror, I couldn’t believe it. I looked good! I turned around to look at my butt. Then I stood up close to examine how much my belly sticks out. It wasn’t that much. I don’t jiggle anywhere. I felt young again.

I grabbed a towel and stood at my back door, pausing for only a second before I…pulled it open and walked outside.

Outside.

In public.

With nothing but a 2 piece bikini on.

Outside.

I did it… Today.

And I didn’t feel ashamed.

I got my tan and I relaxed next to the pool until I started to sweat. Then I jumped in the shallow end and pretended to swim for a little while before heading back in to write and pray.

I know that God has not forgotten me. I just hope that I can stay positive until I see the next opportunity.

1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

8 Random Facts About Ms. Tee that you don’t already know…

1. I smoked a blunt on my birthday.

2. I have one credit card that is almost maxed out.

3. I can go for days and days without remembering to turn on the television.

4. My car is red.

5. I fantasize A LOT about dominating “a certain” man sexually. I handcuff him so that I can tease him and he can’t do anything about it. ~sigh~ POWER …tee..hee

6. I wear hats a lot. When I do I feel like I’m a celebrity in disguise. People stare at me anyway.

7. I don’t know where I’m going…but I have faith I’ll get there and be happy about it.

8. I DON’T have a big booty.

9. Not tagging anyone…sorry. You know I don’t follow the rules!

I did a phone interview today for next week’s theme on my website, Embracing The Fantasy. It was with a friend of a friend who is out in LA trying to make her way as an actress.

It was wild because…I met her before when she was at Florida with me and I remember that I thought she was so…distinct. She definitely repped Miami hard and I was proud of that. She had the “look” of a superstar. I never got to know her though so today when we spoke I couldn’t believe it…I felt as though I was talking to myself.

As I asked her about her journey and her faith moves, her words gave off the same vibrations that mine do. She seemed hopeful and willing to try with everything that she had to make her career successful. When I asked her if she had a day job she told me, “I had one, but I told them that I wouldn’t be going back because…I just have this feeling that I need to be free. I have this feeling that something big is about to happen.”

I felt tingles.

Me too.

She told me how she woke up at 4am and remembered that she hadn’t called me back for her interview. She said that when she woke up she decided to pray and praise God for His blessing even though it hadn’t come through yet.

I’ll admit, I was choked up because…no one thinks like me about following their peace. No one operates on their “inner feeling”, that thing that lets them know what is right to do. Everyone rationalizes their decisions and I don’t. I follow what I feel is right. It seems like I am consistently judged because of that and it felt good to meet someone who was in tune in the same way. It felt so good not to be the only one.

I told her about how my friends are walking away from me because they don’t like the way I make decisions and she said, “Yep. That’s how it goes. That’s God. He’s showing you that it’s almost time.”

My website is such a blessing to me! Every successful person that I interview tells me their story and it confirms that I am doing the right thing. I have the right heart. I’m giving my gift as much as I can to anyone who will receive it and I’m not afraid to take risks.

Even though certain friendships are slipping away, the remaining ones are becoming stronger. I had a friend call me the other day and say, “I didn’t know who I could discuss this with because I didn’t want anyone to look at me funny.”

I understood what she was saying. She has a bestfriend but sometimes…you can’t talk to them about things. I felt like that about my own bestfriend during this entire journey. I would never tell her everything and sometimes I’d lie or pretend like everything was fine because I didn’t want her to worry. I knew that she and her boyfriend would probably sit up and analyze my decisions like they sometimes did with their other friends and I wasn’t comfortable with that.

My friend told me about what was going on in her life and I was shocked. I am definitely learning a lot about relationships from her because as she goes through issues she shares the process with me and I always remind her to do the right thing. I reminded her that she had a decision to make that so many others in her family had made but she had to look at their end result.

“Look at how their lives turned out because of what they chose to do. I know you’re going to do the right thing,” I told her.

Temptation comes in every direction and it seems so easy to glide by without anyone noticing your indiscretion but I tell every last one of the people closest to me, “If you are going to do wrong, you can’t be my friend cuz I don’t wanna hear that shit, I’m not gonna encourage you in that shit and that shit is gonna come right back on you and I don’t want to be anywhere near it.”

Why do you feel like you have to lie on someone to get others to dislike them?

Why do you feel that you have to push someone out of the way so that you can get your chance to shine?

Why do you feel that you have to create outside conflict so that your own dirt will be overlooked?

Everything you’re plotting will be revealed as surely as the sun will rise.

You think you’re getting over but you’re actually burying yourself with each scheme.

I don’t know what made me write that.

Ok..Bye.

I chatted with an old co worker of mine from the magazine in Atlanta today. I asked him about everyone and he gave me all of the updates. ~smile~

I guess you never miss what you had until it’s gone, huh?

Because I’ve worked for Black publications for most of my career I have had a wealth of experiences but none was as fun as the time I had in Atlanta at the magazine. I remember after I left then JB left to become an editor of another publication, we talked about making a movie about our experience at RO.

Some of the writers referred to the job as “the plantation”. LOL! There was so much drama, the good kind, and so many strong personalities. I would never give away that experience for the world! Even when I was there, I knew it wouldn’t be long term, but I’d sit back and just relax in the moment, wondering where each of us writers would end up in 5 or 10 years. I’d imagine us all sitting back as we ran our own publications and laughed about how we got our start.

Across the board, when you work for a publication, automatically the BEST people to get to know are the graphic designers. They are sooooo silly and creative and usually are laid back. There were 3 designers at the magazine and they all sat next to each other. Lord! LOL! The conversations they’d start! They need their own show!

The graphic designers at the newspaper in Miami were the same way and the graphic designers at the PR firm were cool as hell too! The graphic designer for the newspaper in Houston..man…we still keep in touch! In fact, I just realized..I keep in touch with ALL the graphic designers I’ve met. They are so non judgemental and just….cool with it. At one job, one of the graphic designers was my weed man. LOL! He’d bring my sack to work on his lunchbreak! Ahhh…Those were the days…

The writers at publications are always very emotional and kinda…high minded. They feel like they are just as important as the celebrities they are interviewing.

But the best thing about working for publications is the fact that there’s no heirarchy like there is in corporate America. Everyone’s role is equally as important and we have a strong system of interdependence which sometimes causes drama because if one person is slacking, the whole process is affected.

At the magazine in Atlanta, there were so many different characters. There was a lead salesman named Al who reminded us of Kramer. He’d bust in the door and kinda fall in and everyone would laugh. The people in the business office would come over and we’d make fun of them or they’d make fun of us.

The people who maintained the buildings were all a part of the family too. You had to be cool with them because they would let you know when a new shipment of t-shirts or hats would come in and they always rocked the latest promotional gear.

The sales people were so funny! They’d hassle you about getting the editorial for their clients in at the last minute. And they’d hassle me about assigning someone to cover various events to please the client. It was there that I learned that advertisers run the show. If you pay, you get press and for the first time I was told, “Allow them to proof the copy (story) before you send it for layout.” I was like, “WHAT?!” That’s a sin.

Working for a publication, you get to enjoy the perks. You get to go to all the shows and events for free, you get to meet all the celebrities and they would fly the writers all across the country to cover events.

I remember when National Spa Week came up on the calendar and I had to cover it. Basically, I invited my friend Kim to go with me and they pampered us and massaged us, gave us facials, manicures and pedicures and free food. All I had to do was write a story about our experience.

When Disney on Ice came to town, their PR department wanted us to cover it so I asked them for free tickets and I gave them to Tamara so she could take her daughter. Awards shows…walk right in. Club concerts… Here’s my press pass. I love being a journalist!

The BEST part about working there…for me, was the opportunity to interview countless businessmen and women. Millionaires and billionaires from across the country. You KNOW I asked them all to tell me about their keys to success and the characteristics they had to develop to become who they were.

It’s the same thing I hope to do with my website. I see now how all of those interests led me right here doing what I am doing now. I’ve always wanted to run my own internet publication that focused on inspiring people I just needed the experience and now I have it.

I received a response from my first BIG website sponsorship proposal. They said No. ~smile~ It didn’t upset me, it made me smile. I just thought about Kanye and how he heard so many No’s before he got his chance to shine. And even when he earned his opportunity, no one just handed it to him. He had to PUSH and make sure his voice was heard and look at my baby now! He is sooo the male version of me.

I dream of one day working with him on a few songs and maybe adding my own voice to a cut. I think we’d be great performing poetry together. I’m not interested in him romantically, but I’d love to see how brightly our stars could shine together.

Hahaa! My friend Marsha just texted me saying, “Hello ladies! Does anyone know a man who wouldn’t mind if I squeezed him up a bit? No sex, just some squeezes. I’m jonesing for some man loving. The devil is a liar! Pray for me.”

Girl… I really feel her. I crave affection and attention, although I don’t want just a squeeze. I’d rather men just stay away from me because I can’t be held responsible for my actions since it’s been sooooo long since I’ve been truly embraced. I feel so sorry for the next man who comes near me. If he touches me AT ALL, he’s gonna get raped. You can’t open the flood gates with Ms. Tee.

I’m aggressive.

~smirk~

My friend Ernest hit me up on facebook today. I almost died laughing when I read his message. He said that he thinks he is in love. “For real this time. LOL!” he wrote.

I called him tonight to hear all about it and he said for the first time he actually met a woman who seems to want the same things he wants at the same time.

He asked for updates on my friends and I told him that Tamara was getting married in December and Tonya was seeing some guy but it wasn’t that serious.

“So you haven’t met anybody you liked in Dallas yet?”

I rolled my eyes at him through the phone. I hate when my friends ask me that question because I can’t really say No, but then again, I can’t say I’ve been dating either.

I have a serious problem. I fantasize way too much.

I am so upset with myself. I feel like such an idiot. Everyone else has REAL men issues to deal with and here I am cuddled up with a bunch of fantasies about a man who has no interest in me. It hurts me that I feel so connected to him. It hurts me to think about him all the time. I feel so dumb, like I’m some desperate chick who can’t have the affection of a REAL man. I’m stuck on stupid ya’ll.

I wish I could let it go but I can’t. I promise myself that I won’t think about him any more. Sometimes I ask God to let me leave this city, but I don’t have peace about that. Ughhh…I’m such an idiot sometimes. If I could beat myself up I would. I pray daily that God would help me break this connection. Why am I worrying about his business? Why am I hoping the best for his family’s goals? Why do feel like I should be there to help all of his dreams come true?

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I don’t want to be like this. I feel ashamed.

I hope I never see him again. I’m always repeating this same mistake of loving someone who doesn’t love me back.

Laugh if you want to, but this is so serious to me.

I wish he’d get a girlfriend or get engaged or something. Something to help me to know that he will be okay, so that I can let go of wanting to take care of him.

I know I seem like some love addicted fool, and I probably am. Maybe next month I’ll have moved on to a new fantasy love. I’m such a dumb ass sometimes.

Tonight I am going to pray really, really hard that I will wake up in the morning and have forgotten all about him.