Month: May 2007

Aching Jaws

I actually got some work done today.

I got in about 8:15 and commenced to doing my thang, yawning the whole time because my job is rather easy. I’d like to do more creative work but for now getting a firm handle on this administrative stuff is a good idea.

I worked all day and FINALLY the time came for me to interview Kanye’s Mama about her book. I wasn’t nervous at all. I was soooo excited!

When I called her she said that she was shopping for office furniture and would go out to her car so we can talk in private. The interview went great! I couldn’t be more proud of my signature interviewing style. Part professional, part homegirl, all GENUINELY inquisitive.

Ya’ll won’t believe this…well, yes ya’ll will— I told her, “I love your son!” I poured out my heart so she would understand that I’m not really a Kanye West fan but I’m more of a fan of his spirit and his fearlessness and the way he lives his life.

At the end I told her, “Make sure you tell Kanye I said Hi.”

She laughed and said, “I sure will.”

She knows my name! YAY!

I’ll post the link to the audio as soon as it goes on the website.

When I got home each of my friends called to see how my interview went and I told them all that I’m in love with Kanye’s Mama. She was soo nice and easy to talk to. Just like a Mama should be.

I even spoke to Mimi, who informed me that her divorce was finally FINAL.

My little sister is seeking an anullment of her marriage since her husband left her.

Man…these were the last two weddings that I went to. Both of them assured me that GOD told them to get married.

~sigh~

I don’t know…

Donovan said that there should be at least two other reasons to get married besides being “in love”. Now I see what he is saying.

I used to tell Tamara that I thought marriage should be viewed as a business decision. You weigh the pros and cons. You predict the brightest outcome and you move forward with your plan intact, focused on accomplishing your goals.

“I don’t need all of that lovey dovey stuff,” I told her. “That can come later. What I want is a man who sees how his union and mine could make a BIG difference in this world, ultimately making us lots of money so we can bless lots of people. The steady pursuit of his vision combined with mine will bring a certain kind of “love” once we both admire each other’s work ethic and brilliance. We don’t need to take years to decide. All we need is a firm word of integrity and the tenacity to see it through. I’d get married quickly if I felt the man had the same heart I did. I don’t need a long courtship. I want someone who is ready to get started creating the vision.”

“Mmm, hmmm,” Tamara said. “I can see that for you Tee. You’re business minded.”

“And we’re definitely getting a pre-nup. I see nothing wrong with that,” I said confidently.

Man…I don’t know what’s going on with my body.

Every night I have these pains in my jaw and my head hurts. I think it’s my tooth. When I get back from my weekend away, I’m going to find an urgent care and have it pulled. I saw signs today for peridontal specialists. I don’t know what that is but I hope they are dentists. My next fantasy is to get all of my overdue dental work done so that my breath will be better and then I can get my teeth capped or whatever so that I can be more confident when I give speeches and host things.

One step at a time toward my destiny.

Please pray for my Baby Daddy. It seems that he still hasn’t grown past trying to degrade me. It doesn’t affect me as much because…his opinion doesn’t matter anymore but…I wish we could be friends, or at least I wish he would be the kind of friend that I would be to him.

Oww…Let me go take some more tylenol for this aching jaw.

Divine Guidance

After a consultation with the Blog World’s own, Dr. Black, I learned that my aching jaws was more serious than I thought. The fact that I had been taking pain medication around the clock for over a week was a serious sign when I rarely take meds at all.

But last night was the worse. I felt like my face was going to explode. I don’t know anyone here to refer me to a doctor or dentist so I hopped on the net and there doesn’t seem to be any Emergency rooms near where I live. I found an emergency dentist’s number and he actually called me back.

I’m supposed to go see him first thing in the morning if my head doesn’t explode before then. I feel like Mike Tyson just swung on me. I want to be babied but there’s no one to baby me. I managed to sleep for two hours before the pain woke me up. I took a swig of Dr. Tichenors Peppermint Mouthwash and that numbed me for a little while.

It’s not a good idea to wait until your body forces you to take care of it. Hopefully, I’ll never have to do that again.

This may be just the push I need to go get everything taken care of.

Affirmation: This is my life and my journey. Every wrong choice made in the past will be corrected by divine right. There are no wrong turns in my future, only divine guidance leading me and my family to the Promised Land.

Mountains are Real: Just like my Fantasies

Well…I made it back safe and sound from the West coast.

My trip to see Raycita graduate was nothing short of heavenly. I had never been to California before and I’m glad I was blessed to be able to take the trip. In the midst of my 3 hour flight from Dallas I thought to myself, “Damn this hoe live far!”

When I got there it was a little after 10 Pacific time which meant it was already after midnight in my time zone. Marsha was there too, looking sleepy because she lives on the East coast and her body was experiencing the burn of a 3 hour time difference.

Raycita didn’t care. She was krunk because she was FINALLY graduating from law school. As soon as I hopped into her car at the airport she was like, “Ready to go out?” I laughed.

“Aight. I’m down.”

So we stopped by the hotel so I could freshen up and we got back in the truck for the 45 minute ride from San Jose to Oakland to go to a club called The Sky Box. When we got there the line was like…miles long and I know for a fact I wasn’t about to stand in anyone’s line so we marched right to the front and I let Raycita do her thing.

After what seemed like an eternity, but was probably more like 15 minutes, Raycita handed me a ticket and we walked in free of charge.

The club was sooo nice! I really liked the layout. The DJ was great. The women were cute. And the guys were pretty…short…but they actually DANCED. I was blowed. Men from Miami DON’T DANCE. It’s a rule. But these guys did…And it wasn’t really that sweet, pop your fingers cuz I’m on the down low, Atlanta type dancing. Somebody said they were Hyphy or something. Whatever. I enjoyed them.

We made our way back to San Jose and fell asleep. The next morning Marsha and I hopped up to get ready for graduation and when we got to the campus I felt like I was in some white college movie. The school was so beautiful! I yelled out 3-0-5!!!! as Raycita walked across the stage and she shook her head.

Her mom was there and her brother and two of his sons. I enjoyed them all. Next we went to dinner and I got to do some of my icebreakers while we waited for the food. I led them in a game of 2 Truths and a Lie where everyone takes turns making three statements about themselves. Two have be true statements and one has to be a lie. The other participants must guess which statemen is a lie.

As an example I said, “Ok, here’s my first statement: I was a model….” As my voice trailed off, I heard giggles.

Raycita spoke up, “Um… Tee, the boys said, ‘They already know what the lie is!'”

I almost fell on the floor laughing!

After that we went back to the hotel to change and drive to San Francisco to go to the Pier 39 and take the bay tour. Oh my gosh! San Francisco is so beautiful! I fantasized about moving again for a moment. I saw the “Everywhere you look… there’s a heart” houses. I saw the TROLLEY! There was a man hiding behind a bush and when people would walk by…he would shake the bush at them, scaring them! LOL! There was also a man dressed like a dog and all of hs dogs had costumes too. Marsha took pictures with them.

We took the Bay tour and saw the Golden Gate Bridge which is actually red. I wonder why they call it Golden? We also saw the ROCK, you know, that prison that was in the middle of the water and no one has ever escaped. It was cold as hell on that water!

The best part about that tour was being able to see all of the houses sitting on the mountainside. Ya’ll! I had never seen MOUNTAINS before! And they build their houses on the mountainside! Right on the side! Like them bitches ain’t gonna just slide off! Hell naw….

When you’re driving around the city you can see the mountains in the distance. They look like paintings, it’s so beautiful! I was over here worried about Raycita and she’s living it up!

While I was down at the Pier I walked by a lady who said, “Can I give you a sample palm reading?” I always wanted to do that but I was afraid of these people having evil spirits or something but now that I don’t live a life of fear, I decided that I’d do it just for fun.

Marsha was pissed. She even screamed at me, “How much money are you giving to SATAN?”

I rolled my eyes.

Dude..It’s just for fun. Live a little….

~sigh~

I actually wrote down everything she said to me so I could share it with you. Whether it’s true or not… It was so wild hearing these positive words from a total stranger.

I held out my palm and she looked at the lines.

You will have a long life and you will die peacefully in your sleep.

You’re stuborn but you have a good heart and you always try to do the right thing.

I see 2-3 kids around you. I don’t know how they will come into your life, they may be stepkids or adopted but there wil be 2-3.

You recently made a big move. It may have been a new job or new place and you were scared at first because you didn’t know if it was the right decision. Well… It is. This is the place for you.

I see that you have a strong desire for love but you don’t really believe that it will happen for you. You don’t believe it at all, but it will. You will have love.

Your soulmate is already around you, but you already know that. Just take it step by step and it will happen just as it’s supposed to.

Your career goals are to open a small business. “I do NOTHING on a small scale,” I interrupted her. She ignored me and continued. Your business will flourish and the rest of this year will go fine but by this time next year you will be exactly where you want to be.

Also…I see you have a Guardian Angel around you protecting you night and day and guiding you. You hear a voice and you think it’s you but it’s your Angel and it’s good that you listen to what it is saying.

Today I called Anna and read her the list and she said, “I coulda told you all that!” I laughed and she continued, “But isn’t it fun to hear it from someone who doesn’t know you. I believe it all.”

The wildest part about my trip was the difference in spirit of my two friends whom I have known since 1998 when we met their freshman year of college.I noticed a difference in Marsha’s spirit the last time I went to Miami and I couldn’t quite understand the root of it. She’s a bit more edgy. A bit less soft and sweet. She actually ranked/jonesed/cracked/made fun of me during this trip and I don’t recognize that as part of her personality and it honestly upset me because I felt like I had to be combative in return and all I really want to do is bless and praise. I don’t understand why there’s a shift like that but I don’t like it. I already argue enough with Dianna but that’s just how we do it..and I know there’s no love lost.With Marsha, I feel like there may be some underlying issue that is unresolved. If so, I wish she would talk to me about it.With Raycita. Her spirit was much more quiet than I have ever seen it. Raycita is from MIAMI. And one of the things I loved about her was that she was a true MIAMI GIRL, complete with anklet, tattoo on her back, head full of weave and a MIAMI ATTITUDE. But this Raycita was not that girl.This Raycita was…sweet. I was blowed! She didn’t utter a harsh word or cause a fuss. She just seemed happy that things were going smoothly and she seemed so at peace. I almost cried because she hugged me TWICE. TWICE! Raycita doesn’t hug. I felt so loved…I couldn’t take it. I wanna see her again…really soon.All in all… when I got back on the plane to head back to Dallas I smiled and thought, “I’m ready to go home.” I really like Dallas. I like who I am here. I like what I’m doing here. I like driving around in this city. Everyone in my office is gone on the cruise. Well, no one in my department is but most of the other departments are gone. Today my office mates and I drove around town, the veteran was showing us the sights and took us to an internet cafe. Since both my younger co worker and I are new to Dallas my other office mate has planned activities to show us around town. I’m sure my Director asked her to do that.Either way…I’m grateful.I spoke to Donovan today. He’s going to write a Father’s Day article for the site. He told me about his trip to Paris and Africa with Ashley. Yes, he is now engaged. But he didn’t propose to her in Paris. It turns out he proposed a week and a half before they went because he says, “Tomorrow is not promised. I wanted her to know that I love her and I want her to be my wife and I was tired of waiting around and hiding so I woke her up at about 2 in the morning one night and I asked her to marry me. She said yes and then went back to sleep.”I wrinkled my nose. I guess that could be seen as romantic because he just couldn’t wait another minute but…damn…its about the story she gets to tell to all of her friends… Uh…he woke me up, slipped the ring on my finger and we went back to sleep. LOL!Donovan is truly unique.My Director sent me an email forward about how my old boyfriend Nick Cannon proposed to his girlfriend. I thought it was a bit over the top but sweet nonetheless. ~sigh~ I wonder how Kanye is going to propose to me. Ofcourse it’ll be in public because I love attention but I want it to be meaningful and not just a show for the world. I don’t need a HUGE ring, although it has to be more than a carat because my fingers are big.~shakes head~Here I go again in my imaginary world with my imaginary boyfriend… I need to stop.Plus the fact that today my heart was hurting…get this…because the Prez went on the cruise and I missed him. Yeah…don’t kill me. I’m a fantasy freak nerd in love with two men who ain’t paying me a lick of attention or even know that I exist. I can’t help it. I try not to be like that but I can’t help it. It’s not like I see him around the office on a daily basis or anything but…I guess I just liked knowing he was aroundI can’t wait for him to get back so I can ignore him some more!

Type 4: Romantics, Individualists, Artists

“You’re definitely a 4,” Raycita typed to me one night on yahoo messenger.

“What is that?”

“We’re studying it in school. It’s the Enneagram. The 9 personality types and you are a 4. The Artist.”

“What are you?”

“I’m an 8. A Challenger.”

“So what is the chief characteristic of a 4?”

“Umm..Doesn’t believe rules apply to them. Withdrawal into Fantasy Self.”

“Damn! That sounds like me!”

Once I got to Cali I begged Raycita to let me borrow her book on the subject but I wish I hadn’t.

Here I am thinking that I am so unique and special and mysterious and gifted that no one could possibly understand my mission on this earth and that is exactly why I have not found love yet because no man can handle me and no man can understand who I am or where I am going.

And then I read this:

Fours feel that they are unlike other human beings and consequently that no one can understand them or love them adequately. They often see themselves as uniquely talented, posessing special, one of a kind gifts, but also as uniquely disadvantaged or flawed. Fours are acutely aware of and focused on their personal differences and deficiencies.

Healthy fours are honest with themselves; they own all of their feelings and can look at their motives, contradictions, and emotional conflicts without denying or whitewashing them. They may not necessarily like what they discover but they do not try to rationalize their states nor do they try to hide them from themselves or others.

Healthy fours are willing to reveal highly personal and potentially shameful things about themselves because they are determined to understand the truth of their experience- so that they can discover who they are and come to terms with their emotional history.

Relationship problems arise because fours are often romantically involved with people who have qualities that fours admire and or want in themselves, but then end up envying or resenting the loved one for having the quality.

Idealizing the other can quickly shift to rejecting them for their slightest flaws. At the same time, fours are often attracted to people who are, for some reason or another, unavailable.

They spend a great amount of time longing to have the desirable other to themselves and destesting anyone who has the other’s attention.

Fours feel that the rules of ordinary life do not apply to them. “I do what I want to do when and how I want to do it.” Thus they can be privately grandiose, imagining that, becaue of their great, undiscovered talent, they deserve to be treated better than ordinary people. They feel exempt from the laws of society, dismissive of rules and regulations and contemptuous of any constraints, particularly regarding their feelings.

Ex: My sense of entitlement comes from thinking of myself as superior and unusually sensitive, so I shouldn’t be expected to do what mere mortals have to do, especially when it’s aesthetically distasteful. But my sense of entitlement also has to do with feeling just the opposite about myself- that I am inferior and incapacitated in some way, totally unable to be successful at everyday abilities that most people take for granted like holding down a regular job or having a steady, satisfying relationship.

As adults, fours seem to see everyone as stable and normal while feeling that they are flawed or at best, unfinished.

When fours become deeply identified with their Fantasy Self, they tend to repel any kind of interference with their lifestyle choices., interpreting suggestions from others as unwelcome or intrusiveness or heavy handed pressure.

I could go on but I’m blowed…

Who is this man who wrote this book called The Wisdom Of the Enneagram?

While a lot of this personality type blew the lid off the mystery of me, a lot of it was untrue as well, like the negative brooding and envious nature of the four.

Well…I’m rarely envious because I believe everyone is special so there’s no reason for me to be mad that someone else has displayed special qualities. But I used to be brooding and negative and compared myself unfavorable to everyone around me. Yes, I used to be that way until I read THE GAME OF LIFE.

Grasping onto the teachings in that book single handedly took me from a fearful state, anxious, allowing other people’s fears to sway me- and transformed me into a living, breathing SHINING STAR.

I am fearless. I love everyone. I love myself and I only expect wonderful beautiful things to happen to me since I make a habit of blessing others and praising their strengths. I always receive it in return.

I thank God for showing me who I am so that I can finally rest in my quest to understand myself.

Reading this book from Raycita brought me peace. Now I know that I am not such an enigma after all. I am not alone.

It’s okay to examine myself, believe for the best and be confused sometimes about everything. I’m human. I may be a Mom but I’m entitled to have emotions too. I’m entitled to BE ME.

Now I feel like I can relax a little but more.

Thanks God for showing me this book and thanks for giving me THE GAME OF LIFE.

It changed my life!

The Blessing Of My Boys

Man… I feel so blessed.

Today I received my first home cooked meal in Dallas. One of my co workers invited me to her house for a meal of homemade soup and salad. We laughed and she showed me her blog and I played with her dog and we went driving through the city and she showed me some of her favorite spots including a handmade icecream shop.

My belly is a little too full (and too flabby if you ask me but oh well…I’m only human).

I had such a great time with her that I still can’t get over the fact that of all of the women in my URBAN office, the ONE woman who invites me to her home to hang out is a WHITE CHICK.

I hung out with a white girl today. And we had a good time.

I’m not gonna be all hasty like I was with Kia and call her my “friend” but I can definitely tolerate her personality and I wouldn’t mind hanging out with her again. She was sweet although plenty of people at the office look at her sideways. I think it’s mainly because people are always looking for a reason to dislike someone.

I see those fake smiles and I just laugh. Ofcourse you don’t like her, look at the quality of your heart. Anyone who loves themselves and is happy would show LOVE to the people they meet. Anything other than that demonstrates clearly that you are unhappy in your life.

But I digress…

Ain’t nothing else going on but I’m working hard and loving working hard cuz I’m such a nerd. My goal is to research internet journalism awards and win a lot of awards for the site before I move on to my next destination: television.

Ahh..I really like working on the internet though. With the internet there are no rules. You can make up your own and you can combine ALL of the mediums; radio (podcasting), television (streaming video), magazine style features, and news all in one place. You can even publish books (ebooks) and teach live classes! There’s no limit on the INTERNET BABY!

I love the fucking internet!

Maybe I’ll be the first Internet Media mogul.

It’s funny how my dream has always been to manage a website, create the vision, develop content, manage writers, assign stories and win awards.

Remember when I tried to do that at the PR firm? She shut me down saying that I had too much of an entreprenural spirit.

Remember how the opportunity ALMOST came through in Houston?

Ofcourse there were so many times when I tried to start my own website (after my original ezine ofcourse) but things just didn’t fall through.

I finally feel like I’m doing what I want to do except I’m itching to get this internet thing down pat cuz…I need the experience in REAL television to make me more well rounded since I’ve already done magazines, newspapers and now..internet journalism.

On the romantic fantasy relationship tip:

Kanye and The Prez are battling it out in my mind again. I honestly can’t choose which one to be with. I guess I’ll have to go with whoever treats me the best and presents the best business plan proposal for our lives together.

Remember it’s not just about LOVE, its about building a firm foundation for our children so that they will NEVER have to go through the things I have been through. My boys will be well supported in everything they want to do just like Kanye’s Mama supported him. They will walk right into their blessing right after they are done with their schooling. I’m going to make sure of that. My struggle eliminates theirs.

That is what this is all about.

I sometimes sit and imagine my sons all grown up and prosperous. They are gonna be such NERDS! ~smile~ Just like I like’em.

My older son is so disciplined like his Daddy. I can see him running a corporation and becoming a great leader. My younger son is so charismatic and cute. He has a tender heart and I already know he’s going to be married at an early age and his focus will be primarily family.

They will be so well adjusted and appreciative of life. I will always teach them to be fearless in their lifestyle and to make it a goal to help improve the lives of others.

As much as I want to be a blessing to others by helping them to achieve their goals, I believe my sons will be an even bigger blessing to this world than I could ever imagine.

I can’t wait to hug and kiss them as grown men who have fulfilled their purpose in life.

I can’t wait to see them again!

Burning Bridges

I need to address this mainly because I need to figure this out for myself. Writing out my thoughts helps to clarify my feelings and I always understand myself better after I write versus just sitting there THINKING and trying to make sense of what I’m feeling.

I’ve been feeling kind of bad since I had to cut someone off recently. He really didn’t DO anything to me persay, I just think he doesn’t have any manners and that is unnacceptable in my world. I know that I should be treated in a certain way and he doesn’t seem to know how to treat me. I gave him THREE chances. THREE times I dealt with him, being patient but each time he still treated me the same way so I decided that enough is enough.

I would never treat anyone like that so fuck him, to the left with his ass.

Then in my conscious I heard, “But what if you need his help later? Isn’t it better to jut distance yourself from him just in case you need his support later?”

Then I said to myself, “Fuck that. If I can’t depend on him to treat me with respect now, why would I think he’d be there if I needed help in the future?”

So I told his ass to lose my contact information.

If I ever see him again I will act like I don’t know him. I have ZERO tolerance for disrespectful men. Am I too harsh?

~sigh~

I think of the last two people who mentioned that phrase, “Don’t burn your bridges…” to me.

One of them was Young CEO. After I cussed his ass out for not living up to his word when I got to Houston, he reminded me that I shouldn’t burn my bridges.

And when Kia took me to that Spirit worshipping ritual and I distanced myself from her she gently reminded me, “Don’t deplete your resources, Tee.”

But how can I trust you to be a resource if you have shown me that you are untrustworthy and untrue?

Why would I ever need to go back and ask you for help when you have openly disrespected me?

I don’t believe God would do that to me so I will continue to chuck those crumbs to the side when I meet people who don’t treat me the way that I know I should be treated.

God please show me the right way if my heart is wrong? I don’t want to keep people around to USE them when I feel like I need something. I want people around me whose spirits are good and we can encourage each other to grow in different areas.

Please change my heart if I’m too hard on people when they mess up.

I don’t want to be mean…but I do expect excellence because that is what I try to give whenever I can, in friendship, in my work ethic and in any romantic relationship that I was unlucky enough to pursue.

I don’t know.

I don’t like rejecting people because I want to love everyone forever but…some people have shown me that they don’t know how to love me back and I just can’t accept that anymore.

Consistent Self Examination

As usual I spent the day in meditation about the condition of my heart.

I also went out to lunch with my coworkers to this barbecue place that was OFF THE CHAIN! Backyard Barbecue, I think it was…or something like that. Tomorrow we are going to take the TRAIN somewhere to get drinks. You know I don’t drink when I’m with people I don’t know so..I’ll just enjoy some water and hopefully not get on their nerves with my incessant talk of success and prosperity. I know that must be annoying at times to have to listen to me but that’s really all that’s on my heart. I’m always examining my attitudes and trying to be righteous and I’m always thinking of my next step in my career and what I need to do to get to my ultimate goal.

I don’t know why I even waste my time, my plans never come true, God always leads me where He wants me to be.

In my romantic fantasy world, Kanye is currently winning over The Prez because Kanye has a connection to God and The Prez has never demonstrated to me that He has one. All the brilliance and handsomeness and nerdiness in the world won’t make up for a lack of an intimate relationship wth God. That sucks cuz…I really wanted to do it with him too. I’m not as attracted to Kanye physically. In fact, I don’t think of Kanye in a sexual way at all; I just appreciate his spirit.

This is bonkers. Maybe neither one of them are for me because I do expect it all in one package of a man.

Next week will make 6 MONTHS since I’ve had secks. Abstinence is a mutha!

~stunned~

~crying~ I don’t know what’s going on with me but if this is how God wants my life to be then so be it…I’m not superlonely, I have my internet ofcourse and my friends call me consistently but…living in this world of self reflection is quite..I don’t even know the word.

I eat all of my meals alone usually. I come home and sit here alone. On the weekends I am all alone. Even at work when I’m with people, I feel like I’m alone.

Why did a reader send me this email today and it encouraged me quite a bit:

If you are going through a time of isolation, seemingly all alone, read John 17 . It will explain exactly why you are where you are— because Jesus has prayed that you “may be one” with the Father as He is. Are you helping God to answer that prayer, or do you have some other goal for your life?

Since you became a disciple , you cannot be as independent as you used to be. God reveals in John 17 that His purpose is not just to answer our prayers, but that through prayer we might come to discern His mind. Yet there is one prayer which God must answer, and that is the prayer of Jesus— “. . . that they may be one just as We are one . . .” ( John 17:22 ).

Are we as close to Jesus Christ as that? God is not concerned about our plans; He doesn’t ask, “Do you want to go through this loss of a loved one, this difficulty, or this defeat?” No, He allows these things for His own purpose. The things we are going through are either making us sweeter, better, and nobler men and women, or they are making us more critical and fault-finding, and more insistent on our own way. The things that happen either make us evil, or they make us more saintly, depending entirely on our relationship with God and its level of intimacy.

If we will pray, regarding our own lives, “Your will be done” ( Matthew 26:42 ), then we will be encouraged and comforted by John 17, knowing that our Father is working according to His own wisdom, accomplishing what is best. When we understand God’s purpose, we will not become small-minded and cynical. Jesus prayed nothing less for us than absolute oneness with Himself, just as He was one with the Father. Some of us are far from this oneness; yet God will not leave us alone until we are one with Him— because Jesus prayed, “. . . that they all may be one . . . .”

John 17
Jesus Prays for His Disciples
6″I have revealed you to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word. 7Now they know that everything you have given me comes from you. 8For I gave them the words you gave me and they accepted them. They knew with certainty that I came from you, and they believed that you sent me. 9I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours. 10All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them. 11I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name—the name you gave me—so that they may be one as we are one. 12While I was with them, I protected them and kept them safe by that name you gave me. None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled. 13″I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them. 14I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. 15My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. 16They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. 17Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. 18As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. 19For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified.

Jesus Prays for All Believers
20″My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, 21that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: 23I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. 24″Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. 25″Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. 26I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.”

I don’t know if I’m a disciple. I surely didn’t ask to be one or desire to be one. My one desire is to please God with my life and to be a good mother to my sons, loving them the way God loves me.

God please check my heart for anything negative or incorrect. I speak into so many people’s lives and they trust and value my opinion. I always want to be true to how I feel but I don’t want to lead anyone the wrong way. I just want to live according to the TRUTHS you placed on my heart. I want to do the right thing.

Why do tears fall when you’re sad?

Why don’t we get the hiccups instead?

I can’t sleep ofcourse and it’s because I took a nice long nap as soon as I got home today. That night was so good that I woke up and cleaned up a little bit. Yeah I know… I don’t have any furniture but my clothes were everywhere. I’m really lazy when it comes to housecleaning and even more so now that I know I won’t be having any company anytime soon.

Soooo….I’ve been laying here just doing what I do best- thinking.

Thinking about….Ruby and her new attitude since she read the book called The Secret. I tried to introduce her to similar principles when I read THE GAME OF LIFE but she just wasn’t ready and I even sent the book to her but it didn’t do anything. When she picked up The Secret, it clicked. I’m so glad I didn’t have to press. All I did was pray. Now when we talk to each other she’s feeding me the same principles that have changed my life. We’re on the same level now and I’m glad she’s there with me. She has so much peace now.

Thinking about…When I’ll be able to see my sons again. All of our birthdays are during the summer but I can’t go down to Miami 3 times to celebrate. My 10 year class reunion is also this summer and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to make it to that because I really want to be there for my kids first day of school. My Boo Boo is starting kindergarten. Although he is a big boy I just want to be there to walk him inside and give him a blessing on that day. So it looks like I won’t see them for their birthdays or be able to attend my class reunion. The latter sucks because I was the Senior class president and that’s gonna look bad PLUS my bestfriend Anna took control of organizing the event when she saw I was too busy seeking my destiny and I wanted to support her by at least showing up. We’ll see. If God wants me there He will make a way.

Thinking about….my birthday. Damn…I’m gonna be 28. Almost as old as Val. 27 was such a marvelous year for me I really don’t want it to end. I’m a completely different person than I was when I turned 27. I can’t imagine how much more I’m going to evolve over the coming year.

Thinking about…solitude and how I never asked for this. It’s not like I ever wished to be without my sons. I honestly never imagined my life without them so all of these experiences that I am having now…this all feels like a dream. I went to California and hung out with my girls! I got to kick it in Louisiana with Ruby. I moved to muthafuckin HOUSTON, Texas on a wish and slept in a homeless shelter. Ummm…Who’s life is this? That’s okay…I will do more than PROVIDE for my boys, I am setting them up a generational blessing.

Thinking about…the fact that I stopped smoking Black & Milds. Yeah man… It’s been about 2 weeks now and I still think about buying some but I just turn the page in my mind. I really only smoked because I was bored so when I used the last little bit of medicine in my inhaler I knew that it was time to stop. I can breathe in and out with ease now. It’s a beautiful feeling. I replace those desires to smoke with talking to God. But I tell you what….If a bitch pass me a blunt, I sholl with hit that shit.

Thinking about…my belly. It’s gotten a lot worse as I’ve gained weight. I don’t weigh myself because it’s not that serious but I see how my flabby, baby mama belly jiggles when I take a shower. When I see my belly in pictures for some reason, I think it’s cute. I know I’m too lazy to work out and not wealthy enough to get a tummy tuck so…I may as well appreciate what I have. Ain’t nobody seeing me naked anyway.

Thinking about….Kim. She doesn’t have a paying job yet, so until she does, God has been paying her bills and she’s grateful. She actually started volunteering as a teacher for computer classes, which she LOVES to do and she believes it is her gift. When she called to tell me about her first day I felt all warm and fuzzy inside. I’m so proud of her. She’s not stressing or worrying. I’m telling you, if you cast your care on the Lord, He will make your burdens light. Why worry when the ONE who created everything loves you and has promised to take care of you? Why save and horde all of your belongings and money when God has promised to be your supply? If you truly trust God you should say, “Aight..I’ma let you handle that Lord. I’ma just chill over here and trust you to do your thang.” He always comes through. Don’t you notice that? Crying and worrying doesn’t EVER do anyone a bit of good.

Thinking about…my job and how much I love that shit. I do believe that I deserve to be in a place that I can learn and grow but this shit is overwhelming. These hoes I work with are SMART! I thought I was the smartest hoe but THESE HOES- man, they know what they are talking about and I value that in a colleague. I can’t believe I develop content for a web magazine for a living. Are you kidding me? Whenever I’m given a new assignment I’m like, “I get to do WHAT? Are you serious?” And they always look at me like I’m crazy.

Thinking about…my celibacy/abstinence/waiting on God until I have secks –deal. It’s not so hard anymore especially since I have no temptation and I’ve even cut down on masterbating. During the FREE-est time of my life I’m not freely giving my body away and that makes me feel honorable. When I saw Marsha she reminded me that whatever you give up for God, you will receive 100 times over. I was like, “Even secks?” She rolled her eyes but agreed, “Even secks, Tee.” Damn! I’ma be hunching like crazy! I can’t WAIT! We’re gonna be living in Erotic City!

Thinking about…trying to take my behind to sleep.

I will..holla.

Home Cooking & Work Issues

The Chick Next Door

I didn’t want to write about this but it’s bothering me sooo….whatever.

I just came back from another “outing” with my two office mates during what she called, “Welcome to Dallas Week”. One is Ajana and the other is David. Ajana has been with the company for-EVER and knows a whole lot about the site while David is just as new as I am but he comes to the plate with a social skill that I envy and the ability to communicate that is often unheard of in new college graduates.

This “outing” was supposed to be a way for David and I to be introduced to the city. We rode the train to Mockingbird station and walked around a bit but by the end of the trip I was only sure of one thing; Ajana can’t STAND my ass.

She covers it up well with a BIG Cheshire cat smile but my first impression of her has proved to be true: something is off about her spirit. While I don’t expect to connect with everyone, you KNOW I can read people and since there’s no reason for her to dislike me since I do my work, I am always polite and I never gossip or talk badly about people, I’m just gonna charge this one to the game.

But I tell you, I’m sure that my Director asked her to take us on a tour and she probably even had to PAY the girl to take us but I am so glad it’s over because the entire trip was uncomfortable and wack. You could tell she didn’t want to be there. I enjoyed myself simply because we were looking around in shops and that’s always fun to me.

But this chick…I don’t know what to do about her. Like…she sits 3 feet away from me and from day my first day interacting with her, I said Hi to her and she gave me the most STANK look ever! I smiled and greeted her, “Hey, you were out yesterday, were you sick or did you take a trip?” and she looked at me and said with a frown, ” I was OUT.”

I was like, “Ok.”

When I first started I didn’t have anything at my desk like a keyboard or a trash can or a stapler or anything and I was so busy trying to get things moving that I was slow in ordering them. Before my supplies came she had her trashcan in the middle of both of our desks so I would use her trashcan when I needed to. When she noticed that I was throwing trash in her trash can she promptly picked the can up and placed it under her desk telling me in a very nice tone that I should order “a nice pretty one” for myself.

Yeah…so after that I had to walk all the way to the kitchen everytime I had to throw away a piece of paper.

I was trying to think that maybe it’s because I’m still trying to get rid of the homeless smell I used to have since when I was living in the hostel/in my car I did have to get my clothes out of the trunk of my car everyday before going to work. Maybe she was annoyed by that. Maybe it was my rotten tooth and it’s decay (that I had filled- YAY! No more bad breath) or maybe it was my confident attitude or maybe it’s even the way I wear my hats pulled low over my eyes. Whatever it is that rubbed this chick the wrong way, there’s nothing I can do about it.

I don’t get it. She’s really cute. Like..she could hang with me because she has a very nice style and her hair is always nice. She looks like someone who would be my friend. I don’t get it. If I give you nothing but compliments and courtesy and you give me nothing but empty smiles and smart remarks…what can I do?

Yeah..it hurts me because..she sits right next to me but…we still work well together so I guess it doesn’t really matter.