Month: May 2007

Breakfast With The Prez

I didn’t get home until 9:30 last night.

I was at the office waiting for a phone call from Kanye West’s Mom. I scheduled an interview with her publicist for Mother’s Day but they never got at me. I was a little dissappointed but at least I know it wasn’t MY fault. I was prepared. Maybe I’ll get another chance.

I went to sleep immediately with this song playing over and over in my head. At the meeting yesterday The Prez mentioned that it was his theme song. I had never heard of it so I looked it up on youtube and could not believe what I heard. Um….I thought he was a nerd? LOL!

What is he doing singing “I just want your creamy thighs”? LOL!

But I really like the song. I keep listening to it over and over. I like the part that says, “Everytime I comb my hair, thoughts of you get in my eyes…” I picture him dancing in the mirror to this song.

That’s not too good because you’re supposed to have a certain level of…I guess…fear for your company president. I don’t. When I see him I just want to POUNCE on him and lick his face like a Cougar. I really have to stop myself from doing that.

Anyway…I hope I can get back to sleep because I have to be up early in the morning. A couple of weeks ago I received an email that read: We’re starting a new tradition. The company Prez will be taking all 2007 new hires to breakfast to introduce himself and the company.

~raises eyebrow~

Now you know I forwarded that email to my friends with this note:

If SOMEONE wanted to take me out on a date, he didn’t have to invite the whole company! Dang! He’s so wonderful, he’ll move the whole world to get to know me! I love you too, Prez!

My friends all responded differently to my fantasy.

Get a life! LMAO!

I love it! He loves you!

That’s a good idea. That’s what I would do if I were him. Now relax and enjoy.

I’m going to throw up.

Regardless of if it’s true or not…your imagination is OFF THE CHAIN! I love that about you.

You think the whole world revolves around you!

Well..I do.

Besides, it’s just a harmless crush in my mind. I am NOT committing myself to him in my mind like I would do in the past. I don’t date so I have nothing better to do. Plus, he’s hot shit.. I wish I could be friends with him but for some reason, when I see him now, he runs away. During the meetings, he doesn’t even look at me at all.

That hurt my feelings cuz I sholl be staring him down. He’s interesting looking. He definitely looks like his father. He has a quirky personality. I don’t know. He could be one of my long lost brothers. I think we kinda look alike.

I think we’re both weirdos…in a way. Brilliant weirdos.

Anyway…I think I made a guyfriend. There’s this guy at work who took me to the barber for the first time. The barber did alright but I’m going to try someone else. But the guy is one of those “nice guys”. You know, one of those who you call to hang out with you and forget they are a man because you enjoy them so much.

As we were riding to the barber I realized that he and I are going to be friends. He was very easy to talk to.

“He better not be my husband!” I thought LOUDLY to God. Everybody is always talking about, “Your husband may not come the way you want him to…Look at me, my man is different than what I expected.” I always get scared when they say that because in my mind, that means they settled.

Well, he can come in all shapes or colors but he better not be BROKE or SLOW or STAGNANT. I would be so pissed off. I know God wants to make me happy. I want to be SPOILED by a man. I have to experience that before I die. I hope He won’t make me be with someone I don’t find irresistable.

Anyway…. Let me try to go back to sleep.

~singing the Prez’s theme song~

If we can not make babies, maybe we can make some time
Thoughts of pretty you and me, erotic city come alive
We can fuck until the dawn, making love til cherry’s gone
Erotic city, can’t you see, thoughts of pretty you and me

Drama Queen

I wonder if my co workers are reading my blog.

I havent told any of them about it. My Director knows about it, she actually brought up blogging during my first interview and I painstakingly told her about mine. I had a clue that she had already googled me and found it but hey…I have nothing to hide so…..

If anyone at my job is reading this please don’t mention it to me. This is my journey, my truth, my heart, my soul, this is my place to be free to be me. I hope that it blesses you somehow and if not, I hope that you don’t take offense to anything that is written. I started this journey long before I ever even thought of moving to Dallas and working with you.

I wonder if The Prez reads this. I would hate to think he does, but if he’s anything like me he’s probably googled me as many times as I have googled him…just to look at his picture. Yeah…I’m a stalker. ~smile~ I will google someone in a minute’s notice just to see what there online life is like. Sad to say, MY online life is quite elaborate and is more my home than reality.

One of the ladies at the hostel told me a joke last week. She said she saw a cartoon that read:

This made me laugh so much that I created my own little picture (above) and stuck it on my office wall.

I miss my friends so much. You have no idea. It’s hard not to get choked up just thinking about how I left Tamara in Atlanta.

She called me this morning during the breakfast but I couldn’t take her call. So I just texted her saying, “I miss you. I’ll call you later.”

I communicate with them regularly, sending out blessings through text and email. I wish I could touch them, see them in person or get a hug.

But I calm myself by remembering that I won’t be alone forever. This won’t last forever. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have Kim. In a pinch I can call her and vent and she’ll straighten me out. I just laugh at her when she acts crazy but when I’m acting crazy she’ll just tell me, “I’m not entertaining this tonight.”

That calms me down and reminds me that I’m emotional and I need to stop.

Today was such a crazy day.

Besides the fact that I couldn’t sleep the past few nights and was up for quite a while last night, I still made it to the breakfast by 7am.

The first one there was The Prez’s assistant. I really like her. She’s smart and pretty and always well dressed. She’s funny too.

So it was just me and her there when others arrived. Before I knew it HE walked in and sat right next to me. I wanted to leave but I held my emotions in and acted normal.

I would say I had a great time at the breakfast because I did my usual, “Let’s get this party started” routine. I can’t stand to be at an event and nothing is happening and no one is getting to know each other so I started a few icebreakers like I used to do in college and before I knew it everyone was laughing and talking and joking.

I would have felt a lot better had I not had a mouth full of ASS! Yes, my friends, my breath was hot and BOTHERED. I killed everyone around me including The PRez and I knew it but there was nothing I could do so I said, WHATEVER, and kept talking. There’s no way he could ever like me now…That’s cool with me. It’s all in my head anyway.

Why do I have so many problems with hygiene? I really need a good bath ya’ll. I really need a clean shower. I need a dentist. I need a home.

During the breakfast I led games for us to get to know each other and the things I learned about The Prez were pleasing to my ear. I almost died when someone asked him about his taste in music and he replied, “Old school R&B. That’s about it.”

My office mate had JUST asked me the same question last week and I gave the exact same response. I looked over at him across the breakfast table, he looked at me. I looked away.

So by the time we got back to the office I wasn’t prepared for the aftermath. Um..yeah I was just being myself during the breakfast and by the time word got around the building about the breakfast, my head was pounding and I wished silently that I had not gone.

I know my personality is all bright and shiny but on the real…I don’t like attention that much. That’s why I hang around the women that I do; they lead the way, they SHINE brighter than I do. All I have to do is sit back and enjoy the waves they create.

Why was everyone in the office talking about me as if I was some fascinating sideshow? People stopped by all day to say, “I heard about you at the breakfast girl!”

I just put the hoody of my sweater over my head and told people, “I’m invisible.”

They just laughed.

Why are they always laughing at me? Why are they always smiling at me? Why are they all so friendly? Why do they act like they want me to stay here? Why is everyone always praising me?

I’m sorry! Don’t kill me but..I don’t get it. I’m not used to this. I’m used to having one foot on the gas pedal and one foot on the job. I’m not used to people actually VALUING my presence.

What’s wrong here?

This hurts my heart.

I called Kim to talk about it and she actually left her church service to talk me through my dilemma.

“Tee,” she said. “You are being too humble. You’re bordering on being ungrateful. You are special. You are not ordinary. Ofcourse people are going to love you everywhere you go. OFCOURSE people are going to be drawn to you. That’s God’s gift to you. That’s what He gave you. Don’t you sit up there and act like you can’t receive the blessing of LOVE from the people around you. Tee! You shower people with love everyday! That’s all you do is bless your friends and praise them and point out their strong points, why can’t you accept that other people see GOOD in you?”

“But Kim…I think it’s a plot. There’s a man who works here who everyone says NEVER SMILES or talks to anyone. At the breakfast he was so cool that I wanted to ask him to hang out with me. His personality was so inviting! He even told the Prez that he liked me a lot and they should invite me to all of their meetings.”

“Tee, that’s the God in you that people see. Why can’t you accept that people are going to love you? Tee, look at your dream. Look at where you are going. People from all over the country love you already…imagine how many more will love you and praise you once God’s full plan comes into play. How will you be able to handle that love if you can’t handle an office full of people actually like you.”

“I think they’re lieing. I don’t know what they told them but I think they are planning something. I’m just not used to this Kim. I’m not used to being a good fit, to people appreciating my work, to any of these cool ass women! I’m scared. I can’t believe that people WANT me. No one has ever tried to hold on to me Kim. I’m used to people telling me to go away.”

So Kim prayed for me. She prayed that I would be able to receive the blessings that God is about to pour out for me. She prayed that I would be able to recognize that what I give out in abundance is what I am about to receive.

And I rolled out of the parking lot of the gas station searching for my next move. I don’t know where I’m sleeping tonight. I came by the office to charge my phone and write this post, hoping that the answer would lie somewhere between the time it takes me to pour out my heart and the time it takes me to go downstairs to my car.

I’m nauseas. As if all this mayhem in my heart isn’t enough.

My whole body hurts. I need some rest.

I

Need

Rest

Sleep

Hug

Love

Rest

Mama

No crying

Friends

Babies

Peace

Please

Peace

Please

Drama Queen! Sure…I am..

Fuck it.. That’s me..

Lemme go find somewhere to lay my head.

Special Signs

Something great is about to happen. I can feel it.

Let me tell ya a story– I had been staying at the Dallas Texas Hostel on Bachman Drive near Love Airfield here off and on and got to know the landlord Jerry Blake pretty well. I told him that I wanted to rent one of his units and he gave me an app. After doing all the necessary application stuff he came back and told me that there were too many red flags on my app and that I would have to rent on a month to month basis ONLY with stipulations like rent is due on the first if I am one day late I am evicted immediately AND I have to pay 3 times the rent as a deposit before I could move in.

I was like, “Dayum! I know my credit ain’t THAT bad. I have no evictions or broken leases on my record.” But I calmly told him, “Money is no problem for me.” He looked surprised. “Well, with your track record and no stability I don’t even think they will give you electricity. If you get your electricity turned on come and see me and we will talk about your lease.”

So the next day I got my electricity turned on and when I called him he said, “I’m amazed that they would do that. I wouldn’t have! You have too many red flags.”

I wrinkled my nose.

“I live an amazing life sir,” I replied.

“Whatever! You’re irresponsible. You have no lease record, no lights in your name, it takes a lot to manage a household. I’m not sure you can do it!”

“Wait a minute,” I said firmly. “WHy are you TALKING to me like this? I have never disrespected you or your property, I always pay my money and I’m nice to the other people here. Where is all this coming from? I don’t appreciate you talking to me like I’m some child, I’m a grown woman and I’m a professional and I don’t deserve this.”

“Well, what do you want me to say?”

“I want you to say, ‘I was having a bad day.’ or ‘I didn’t mean it that way’ anything besides what you just said. You know what? It doesn’t matter. Just don’t talk to me like that again. That’s all.”

The next day I was supposed to receive a lease but when I returned to my room there was a letter stating, “You have to be out by the 9th. If you want to leave before then I will refund your money.”

My roommate saw the letter and was livid. “Call the attorney!” she ordered. “Tee, he’s a bigot! Can’t you see?”

Huh?

Well, I was the only person he required to give him a deposit on electricity. None of the other ladies were charged that fee. He never came by to clean the entire time I was there. Never gave me fresh sheets. Charged me a ridiculous deposit on a 400 sq foot efficiency.

If he didn’t want me to rent in his complex, why didn’t he just say so?

I am so fucking tired of people and their damn indirect communication. Bitch be a fucking WOMAN or MAN and say what the hell is on your mind. Don’t come at me sideways with suggestions and shit. I don’t have time for that. When you communicate with people in that way, there’s so much room for misinterpretation.

Why can’t a bitch just SAY WHAT THE FUCK THEY MEAN? Damn! I lose all respect for people who tip toe around shit. Even if it makes you look insecure, just say it! Everyone has those moments. I tell my friends all the time, “When you don’t call me it makes me feel insecure about our friendship and I worry if you still love me.”

Why would they hold it against me?

Why don’t people just say what the fuck they mean?

~sigh~

God’s divine plan for my life can not be stopped.

So in my mind I had until Thursday to find another place. Which I FOUND and they approved me with NO PROBLEM whatsoever and NO DEPOSIT. WTF?

But yesterday I was feeling pretty bad physically. My eyes are killing me because I need more glasses and my body aches like I have the flu. I stuck it out through the day and when I got back to the hostel I crashed immediately saying to myself, “I’ll pack everything later and be out in the morning. My body hurts too much.”

Before I could even fall asleep the door opened and the landlord came in screaming. “Tee, its the 9th. You have to be OUT!”

“Hollup. I thought I was paid until tomorrow. I thought I had one more night.”

“No, that paper I left you informed you that you had to leave by noon today. You are trespassing! You have to be out NOW!”

I rolled over. Hollup. I coughed. “I’m not feeling well. Give me a minute to figure something out,” I said as I opened my laptop and sat up.

“You don’t have a minute. Get out now!” he screamed and I paused and looked at him.

“What is your problem? I have been nothing but nice and respectful to you? WHat did I do to you? Why are you acting like this? Give me a minute to get a phone number and I will be gone.”

“I’m calling the police if you don’t leave NOW!” he screamed.

I looked up at him. “GO call em! Tell em to hurry up and get here!”

“You have to leave!”

“If you are gonna stand up there screaming at me like an overseer I’m gonna stand right here and do nothing. If you be quiet, I will pack my things and go.”

He huffed and sat down to watch me pack.

I couldn’t move fast. My body was aching too much and I was trying to think. WHere am I going to go? How much money do I have? Why is this always happening to me? God could you please tell me why the MINUTE I stand up for myself and tell people that they are treating me wrong, they flip and can’t even stand to have me in their sight? I’m tired of getting kicked out when you KNOW I don’t disrespect people. I’m pleasant and easy to get along with. I’m a bit messy but hey…I’m good company. I don’t get it.

I loaded up my car piece by piece as the neighbors came out to stare.

“Why is he talking to you like that?” one man asked me. “What did you do?”

“I don’t know. You can ask him. I have. He hasn’t answered me yet.”

“Ok Jerry,” I told him. “I’m done.”

“Best of luck to you,” he said as I walked away.

“May God bless you Jerry,” I replied.

When I got to my car I looked at my receipt. I did have one more night. He threw me out early.

I drove in silence toward my job. I had to have somewhere I could think. I called Kim and we chatted. I am no longer disturbed by these type of things but it just…uh…ruffles my feathers a little bit.

Kim told me to go to a hotel and just hope my card goes through.

I decided against it. Makes no sense to possibly get an overdraft fee for a few hours of sleep. I found a safe parking garage and pulled inside. No one bothered me as I drifted off to sleep, well..the security guard tapped on my window at some point in the night.

I looked at him.

He shined his light on my backseat loaded with clothes and stuff.

“Just checking on you,” he said and smiled. “Good night.”

“Thank you,” I said.

I couldn’t get back to sleep then. I certainly don’t think I’m STRUGGLING, I just think I…I don’t what to think. I guess I look at it as a grand adventure.

My thoughts turned to the crazy ass Breakfast and the Prez.

You know what he said that was quite amazing?

“I’m color blind.”

“Whats that?” I asked.

“It’s where I can’t see colors. All I see are some yellows, everything else is blank.”

“How do you get dressed?”

“Well, I pretty much remember what stores I bought things from and if the store doesn’t have good mannequins I can’t shop there. I just buy whatever is on the mannequin.”

“But does that mean you’ve never seen the beautiful blue sky or the green ocean?”

“No.”

“WHat about a rainbow?”

“I have never seen a rainbow.”

Amazing.

I couldn’t believe it. He can’t see colors.

Wow.

To me that means….He’s special.

He’s special.

He is so very special.

I smiled and thought of him as I nestled into my leather seats and wrapped myself tighter into my blanket.

He is special.

Man…I wanna do it with him…

Waking Up

Well…even though I had to sleep in my car I managed to get a good night’s rest. I woke up around 4:30am and went to my office to change clothes/put on makeup etc. I’m not sure if it was the night air or my sickness setting in but I couldn’t even SPEAK without sounding like an old man and my throat was burning, body hurting, the whole nine.

But I had nowhere else to go so I went to work after going to find breakfast. I made my list of daily goals and those things that weren’t strictly “planning” I completed before 8:30am. My body whispered, “You need to go.” So I emailed my Director and left.

I drove over to the complex that I had chosen, got out of my car and walked stiffly into the office. The Office manager greeted me warmly and went through my lease with me. Because of my throat I couldn’t speak to her but she was very understanding.

WHen the time came for me to write the check for my first month’s rent, I paused and bit my lip.

There’s no money in my account right now, but I know that God wants me to have a place to live and I know that He will put money into my account before the check clears.

I BELIEVE!

So I wrote the check, collected my keys and drove over to my apartment.

I stood outside for a few seconds before opening the door.

When I walked in, I looked around. I walked around.

I turned on all of the lights.

I layed down on the floor.

I looked at myself in the mirror.

Then I screamed! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I have MY OWN PLACE!

No one can kick me out!

No one can make me move my stuff!

No rules like in the Professors house- “You can’t use my house phone for more than 30 minutes.” “No men allowed.”

No rules like Kia’s house- “No one can have sex in my house but ME!” “No eating or drinking anywhere but at the kitchen or dining room table.”

No rules like at the hostels- “No alcohol.” “No visitors.”

No rules- PERIOD!

I’m have an ORGY up in this piece! Naw…I’m not interested in that anymore.

But I will relax and have a nice glass of wine.

By the time I finished praising God the rain had slowed down so I moved all of my clothes and pictures and shoes from my car.

Then I went to Walmart and swiped my card on faith because I needed a shower curtain, shower gel, cups, toilet paper.

By the time I got back to my place my body crashed. I smoothed out the blanket I took from Tamara’s old apartment and the pillow Ruby left in Atlanta when she came to visit and made a bed for myself on the living room floor.

And I slept…

And slept….

I slept for years, washing the dirt off of my mind, the contempt from my heart, the anger from my soul, replacing it with joy and appreciation that God has brought me to the place He has for me to be. A place of blessing. If I DARE to believe that He wants me to be here, I can change my mindset that everyone is being insincere in their affection toward me. God wants to bless me with friends and family. I can trust, show them love and receive love in return.

After my long nap I opened my eyes and looked around.

Wow.

I’m not living on the streets anymore.

This will become my home.

I can’t wait to decorate and get furniture and all my friends are going to come visit me now!

I’m so happy and so blessed and soo…grateful to be living in Dallas, Texas.

I love it here!

The Perfect Pitch

What kind of a professional am I?

Am I a newspaper reporter?

Am I a magazine journalist?

Am I a motivational speaker?

Am I a columnist?

Am I a television personality?

Am I a radio personality?

Am I a biographer?

Am I a visionary?

Am I an actress?

Maybe I’m all that…

Today I spent a good amount of time doing research and preparing for an important interview that I have tomorrow morning.

I’m not well versed on the topic at hand but that doesn’t scare me because I have FRIENDS who are brilliant and I’m never at a loss when I really need help because… of all the gifted people I know, someone always has the information I need.

After consulting with the most brilliant minds I know and receiving guidance on intelligent questions to ask, I sat down to revise and add my own flavor to them and then I casually called my office mate to discuss the questions.

This dude blew my mind. He comes from an extensive radio broadcast background while I am well versed in Internet and Print.

For those who think journalism is journalism, lemme tell you- it’s not.

Even when I was at the newspaper in Houston my publisher used to cringe when she read my questions, she said they sounded like television broadcast questions. It’s all in the way I frame a question.

In radio, my co worker explained, the questions are simple, quick and uncomplicated.

Huh?

I NEVER ask simple questions. My questions are usually thought provoking, challenging and worded very intelligently because that’s how I write.

So to hear him challenge me in my interview preparation process really threw me off the curb.

Damn… I don’t want to alienate readers but I also don’t want to be like, “So…What’s going on in your world?”

I would NEVER ask an interview subject such a vague question. My questions are direct and often times CUTTING. I’ve been known to make an interview subject gulp and ask for water.

I’m not trying to be difficult, I just ask questions that require thought. I’m not looking for quick sound bytes, I’m looking to educate and pull information about the evolution of the subject’s lives and their mentality.

Is this appropriate for what we are doing?

Hmm….

I spoke with my Director and she says she trusts me to work my magic and not be a carbon copy of the interview style of the show. I told her that I want this new feature to be distinctive with its own signature flair while my co worker believes that if the website has the same audience as the show then we shouldn’t change the delivery of the message.

Wow!

~singing~

See you at the crossroads, crossroad, crossroads, See you at the crossroads..So you won’t looonely!

I love this job!

Imagine that….He and I are coming from two different journalistic mediums and we have to find a happy place in between.

I love working with these smart people!

I learn so much!

I wonder if my past experience in television, radio and print can really cultivate a distinct radio interviewing style that won’t alienate listeners due to my above average vocabulary.

Can I dumb myself down a bit? Is that what the listeners really want?

Ehhhh…I’m not so sure.

Man…I’m gonna be up for quite a while, trying to compromise in the phrasing of my questions. This is really not the interview subject to be playing around with.

Man FUCK THAT!

I’m Ms. Tee!

Everytime I come through with some real shit! MY shit blows up!

I’m gonna be ME!

distinctly ME…

I don’t have to study a damn person or take notes off a damn thang…

My shit pops no matter what! I’m gifted.

Fuck it…

I’m gonna give it up to God. I can not fail. I’m in God’s divine will.

God, please give me a voice that is pleasing to the ear and the perfect words in the perfect pitch for my big interview tomorrow.

Thanks!

I Don’t Know What I’m Talking About

You know what I just realized?

I’m really a looney toon.

I sit up here and IMAGINE my way into these “relationships” with men and give them all of this honor and glory and admiration when they have done nothing to deserve it.

Take for example, the Prez.

Yeah, he could probably get some based on his cute lil personality, his beautiful smile, his resume and his stellar communication style but really…do I KNOW him?

He could be a man who gossips? I HATE MEN WHO GOSSIP! That trait has ‘down low’ written all over it.

He could be insecure and unsure like my first boss out of college. His team RAN HIM, he had no say about what went on. He had to get everyone’s opinion before he made a decision.

He could be on the down low for all I know…

Or maybe he’s not.

All I know is…I’ve been avoiding praying for God to send a man into my life because I thought I had to be BIG TIME before I even thought about that so I kinda been like…”Aww..I just wanna have secks God…” I think I’m gonna buckle down and ask for a true companion.

Not someone that I have to IMAGINE likes me.

I’m tired of sitting around imagining what it would be like for a man to like me. I’m tired of the damn fantasies and the masterbating and the “Believing in faith” for what I dream about to come true.

You know what? Fuck it… Maybe that shit ain’t meant to be.

I want a real fucking man who SEES who is in front of him and wants to snatch me up…Fuck all that I’ma wait around shit. What? Do I have to prove myself to you? Bitch please!

Go on about your business, dude.

I ain’t the one.

~sigh~

I guess I’m just frustrated ya’ll.

Just like The Prez can’t grasp the concept of a rainbow…I can’t quite grasp the idea of someone wanting me and expressing their desire for me. Except for LEM and all those other dudes who HAVE GIRLFRIENDS!

LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE if you have a fucking girlfriend, LIVE WITH YO MAMA, or don’t think you’re worthy to stand beside a Superstar. Stop telling me you love me, miss me or that I’m the idea of perfection when you’re laid up with someone else. It’s as though they see me as their fantasy but they are holding on to their reality because they don’t believe their fantasy is attainable. I’m tired of downplaying myself, living in fantasies and putting myself out there only to be ignored or pushed away.

You ain’t man enough for me…

I’m just tired and lonely ya’ll and I’m tired of playing pretend with all of these pretenders.

I want to be secure and safe in giving all of my love and gifts…

But as I get to know the people around me I’m finding that… none of them are worthy…they all have hidden agendas.

No one is pure.

No one really cares unless it helps them…

Hollup…lemme snap out of it.

Lemme get some rest. Please pray for me.

I’m Lovin It

I didn’t sleep at all on Sunday night.

Because I didn’t have an internet connect at my apartment yet I found myself at my office until after 1am, preparing for my early morning interview.

I was hella nervous but I encouraged myself by saying that whatever I produce is a product of me so just like I could never be ashamed of my children, I should never be ashamed of doing my best work.

When I went home I laid out on the floor and tossed and turned all night. I prayed and prayed that things would turn out right. The perfectionist in me wanted to blow people’s minds with my interview. I wanted to shine!

When I saw that it was 5am, I said, “Fuck it, I may as well get dressed.”

So I took my time taking a nice long bath and then lotioned myself down and meticulously applied my makeup.

“Damn I look good,” I thought as I took a full turn in the mirror. My designerjeans fit just right, the top I wore was one of my favorites from wayyyy back and my heels accented them just nicely. I pulled on one of my favorite sweaters that I bought for $10 from the shoe store. I remember when I bought that sweater the sales lady wrinkled her nose and asked, “Do you actually LIKE this?”

I shook my head at her. Only a true diva would know that this sweater was hot shit and I only wear it when I want to look extra fly.

I drove down to my office building and rode the elevator up to my office to sit and meditate for a few minutes. When I saw that it was after 6am, I went down to the studio and one of the production men let me in.

He showed me the sound booth where my interview would take place but since I was about an hour and a half early, he told me that I could go into the studio where the RADIO MAN was brodcasting his show and sit and listen.

“Are you kidding me?”

“No, he’s cool. Just sit down in one of those chairs. He doesn’t mind. Just be quiet.”

So I snuck in and sat down. My heart was beating so fast. I texted Anna and told her to tune into the show because I was sitting right there with everyone.

After a little while, the Radio Man called out my name, “Ms. Tee, I’m sure you can’t hear from over there. Come on over and put on some headphones so you can listen in.”

I almost died.

He knows my name!

I walked over to the center desk and sat down next to Ms. S. She smiled at me and continued talking to the other radio personalities.

I thought I was going to faint.

“I’m not ready for all of this!” I thought. “I may just die right now on the spot.”

Everyone was acting all cool about it. I guess for them this is everyday life but for me this is a dream come true.

As I laughed at the jokes being made and texted Anna with inside jokes I noticed a figure standing at the door. I gulped and took a swig of my Gatorade. He’s here.

He walked in confidently looking just like he does on TV.

He came over and introduced himself to everyone, including me and I smiled and shook his hand confidently.

As the Radio Man gave away the money for the cash call and commenced to asking him questions I bolted from the room and to the bathroom because I had to pee so bad and I wanted to be waiting for him in the sound booth.

By the time I got back to the booth he was already inside recording “drops”. That is when he does promotional lines for the show like, “Hi this is _______, with the RADIO MAN morning show wishing you a Merry Christmas.

I held my breath and walked in and stood by while he finished. He started to get up when I said, “Do you have a few minutes for a quick interview with THE WEBSITE?”

He looked rushed.

“Ok, I’ll give you 3 minutes.”

I didn’t want to waste them by doing my intro or outro so I just dove right into the questions. I must admit, he didn’t seem GAY like everyone says he is. He was just…petite. I wanted to play patty cake with him. He’s skinnier than I am and maybe a little taller.

INSIDE THE LISTENING ROOM with JOHN LEGEND

After it was done I beat myself up about what I asked and what I didn’t ask, what I sounded like and how I could have done better.

I had to calm down so I called Anna and told her about the one WILD question I asked him. She laughed so loudly! “Girl, he’s always gonna remember you for asking that,” she said.

I just remember him kind of rolling his eyes when I asked, “So…who’s more talented, you or Kanye?”

I wanted to know what he thought so I asked him. Why was that wrong?

After all of that I went upstairs to my office and I tried to do some work. Ruby called me to see how the interview went and I told her that I was uneasy about it.

“Girl, you have sowed seeds for all of these years for this. You have started websites, run your own podcasts, worked at a whole bunch of places, sacrificed and believed in faith! Your ass moved to muthafuckin HOUSTON with nothing just so you can make it. There’s no WAY you can fail. Whatever you did or said will be just right because you have invested too much into your dream. It won’t be denied! I’m sure it is great!”

I felt relieved after hearing that. She’s right. There’s no way that I can fall when I have put so much on the line and dared to step outside of my comfort zone to push it to the limit and accomplish my dreams. I have cried so many nights, slept in my car, been kicked out of so many places, had to drink WATER to fill my belly sometimes all with the faith that I will be able to give my gifts and be appreciated and compensated for them. I’ve lost FRIENDS over this shit!

I can’t lose.

By the Monday morning Programming meeting I thought I woud faint from lack of sleep and lack of food. My head was throbbing and my eyes were hurting. I was doing everything I could to seem normal and pay attention. I was completely overwhelmed by my good fortune.

The Radio Man joined us again and as I sat there amidst all of these brilliant minds hashing out ideas I looked out over the Dallas skyline and blanked out.

What am I doing here?

How did I get here?

Am I really sitting here with the Radio Man? Does he really like my work? How did I get here? How come all of my dreams are coming true? Can I handle all of this? Am I good enough to make this last?

To make matter worse, The Prez was there looking oh so fine in a powder blue button down shirt. Everytime he asks someone a question he takes notes and I just love to see him writing. Yeah..I know that sounds corny but I love to watch him write. Man..I’m weird.

I couldn’t bring myself to look at him so the entire meeting I looked at my hands and the occasional text message from my Director with instructions on things to say or ask.

The meeting finally ended and I made my way back to my office and somehow…finished out the whole day without fainting.

When I got home I took a shower, popped some tylenol to combat the pain from my obviously infected tooth and I slept… and slept…and slept…

And slept….

Am I really on my way to achieving all that I ever hoped for?

It sure feels like it.

Please God help me to believe that I deserve to experience the realization of every one of my dreams. I know they will come true, I just can’t believe that I deserve it. I want to believe but it’s hard. Thank you so much for my friends who encourage me and remind me of how special I am.

Help me to bring honor to your name despite not being all “churchy” and acting like I have all the answers all the time. I know I’m so different from all of your other ministers but I feel like my life is a ministry too.

Use my life to glorify You. Keep my heat pure and allow me to continue to do good work for this company because I am loving every minute of it.

Still Warming Up

I don’t know why I like this city so much when I still feel so invisible here.

I know people see me. I can see them stare…but still there’s no real connection. Tamara says it’s because I don’t want to make a connection with anyone.

“Tee, you make friends wherever you go. You don’t have any friends yet because you don’t WANT friends yet,” she told me on the phone yesterday.

I stopped short. I hate it when she does that to me.

She may be right.

I’m still looking around and getting a feel for people. Maybe it’s my fear that I will meet someone I like and they will dissappoint me like Kia did, and like Young CEO did, and like JB did. When I became friends with them I thought we’d be friends for life and imagine my surprise when months after falling in love with them, we no longer even speak to each other.

That old saying, “People are either in your life for a reason, season or lifetime,” may be true. In fact, I know it is and I embrace that now. I’ve learned not to blame myself for losing friends or for people not being true to me. Knowing each one of those people contributed to my life in a positive way and although I miss each one of them, I recognize that every man (or woman) that comes into my life is a link in the chain toward my greater good.

Damn…. I spend so much time alone. So much time to fantasize and strategize and analyze everything. I still wonder why I am in Dallas at this job. While I never envision myself working for someone else’s company indefinitely, I hope that while I am here, that I contribute remarkably to their efforts and I will always be a supporter of their mission.

My co worker that i mentioned before who is just as sweet as icecream and fun to be around, told me that I needed to go out and hang and explore the city more. ~yawn~ I’d rather explore the restaurants.

I wonder if this “I’d rather be by myself” phase I’m in is some sort of funk or defense mechanism. I haven’t really given anyone at work a chance to be my friend because the people I have had conversations with, well… my spirit doesn’t gel with theirs.

You know I can sense something a bit off in people when I meet them and I stay AWAY from people when I sense that. I sometimes wonder if I’m cut out for corporate America. Remember I’m not interested in the social political games that must be played. I’m not fake, I can’t smile and then run and criticize you the next minute. I’m not trying to be up in anyone’s business because I don’t care.

I don’t know man… This job is a perfect fit for my skill set, but it may not be the ideal place for me. It’s crazy living a life with no fear. I don’t fear being fired at all. And it’s not because I know I’m the shit, it’s because everytime I have gotten fired, I have found a much better job!

Getting fired from this job would be GREAT! It would only mean I was moving on to the next level. But I don’t think I have to think about that for now… I guess they like my contributions, and if there are some that don’t, it doesn’t matter because they aren’t in a position to hire or fire me so they don’t matter anyway.

I’m reading Kanye’s Mama’s book. Her publicist sent it to me. I am going to interview her over the phone tomorrow afternoon and I threw away my list of questions because I don’t want to do an interview like I did with John Legend. I want to have a conversation with her. I hope she is open to that. I pray that things turn out well.

Next week almost the entire office will be gone on THE CRUISE. The people who aren’t going are excited because they said that the office is so quiet when everyone is away. Since I share an office with two other people my office is never really quiet. I can usually tune them out when I’m trying to organize but most times I enjoy their conversations with their friends and their music…unless I’m trying to create the vision for a project…then I NEED QUIET. I don’t wanna hear no extraneous crap. I’m trying to create. If you want brilliance I need certain conditions. I’m so frustrated that I haven’t come up with the vision for one of my projects yet. Everytime I get started thinking someone comes in and I lose my train of thought. Damn!

I miss my friends. I miss my kids.

Everyone is steadily moving on with their lives without me just as I am moving on with my life…alone. I wonder if all of this will be worth it in the end. If it’s not I’ll just drop it and start again, never resting until I find satisfaction.

Man…I got the best email from a reader today. I promise…those emails energize me. It’s good to see that some people understand where I am in my life without offering their criticism or instruction. Some people just…celebrate me.

Lord, I’m grateful that my internet connection is turned on in my house. I’m grateful for cable too but there are so many channels that I just turn the TV off because I don’t like to surf TV like that. I’m seriously believeing for the money to pay the bill when it comes- LOL!- But it is nice to hear a voice besides mine when I’m in the house, even if it is Al Bundy’s.

Consider the Source

My friend called me tonight with a story.

After another friend of hers inquired about her past relationship, she informed her that there was nothing to speak of and the friend convinced her that she didn’t have closure and should reconnect with the man from her past with an offer of friendship.

This friends words shook the peace my friend had and my friend took her advice. She emailed him, reaching out to him, requesting a renewal of friendship and she even received a response from him.

She called me asking me to read the letter. I did.

She asked me, “Do you sense a connection in the words we wrote to each other?”

I was quiet.

“Tee? What do you think?”

I was quiet, considering my words carefully.

“Don’t you EVER listen to that ol broke down hoe again! That bitch ain’t got no man! She lonely and trying to create drama in your life for her own entertainment. It makes NO SENSE for you to be trying to open up some shit that he closed. He didn’t recognize your worth before and now you’re trying to play Superangel and show him that no matter what you’ll be there for him. Why? He sholl ain’t trying to play that role for you. Remember what Donovan said? When it’s the man God has for you, you won’t be able to STOP him from loving you!”

“Consider the source!” I challenged her. “Don’t you think I have to hear from people all over the country about what they think I should do. They call me with authority and offer their opinions and I listen and just shrug it off it’s not what I want to do. Sometimes I do get all emotional when people try to tell me what they think I should feel or do, but then I realize that when it’s advice being presented from God, it brings peace, not confusion or anxiety or causes me to backtrack on what I originally felt peace about. Consider the source! That hoe ain’t in no way a role model for you! Do you want to be like her when you grow up? Hell no! Be YOU. Know your value. Know that you don’t have to position yourself to attract or keep a man.”

“Please dawg…” I pleaded with her. “Don’t be like me. I need somebody to get it right. Learn from my stupidity. Don’t be like me. Get it right the first time so you won’t have to go through the healing process.”