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Little Annoyances

Lately I don’t sleep well.

It’s not because I’m afraid of anything, it’s more because I can’t stop thinking about work.

This is such a great opportunity for me to grow and prove myself. This company is off the chain!

But there’s always so much to do. Most nights I don’t leave before 7pm even though I’m there by 8:30am everyday. My daily goals sheet is almost never completed before I leave and I have to resist the urge to go home and work the entire time but…I’m beginning to think that it’s not such a bad idea.

My team is filled with geeks. We laugh at each other about that. We’re all nerdy and eager to produce the very best. Believe it or not the site is run by a small team of people, with my role being brand new. Everyone says they appreciate my input because my concentration is improving and driving the content of the website, ensuring that all sponsorships are supported with original content. Can you believe that?

They appreciate my input. We feed off of each other. My ideas are made perfect with their input. Their ideas are polished by my communication style. It’s like…synergy.

Today I went to my first production meeting. It’s the meeting where all of the producers and some staff meet to discuss the plan of action for various facets that support the radio show.

Imagine my surprise when I walked in and saw The Prez sitting at the head of the table.

That man is a BEAST!

And I mean that in the most endearing way. He led that damn meeting. I was blown away. I gave my little presentation and he said, “Good job.”

As he challenged the team to produce their very best, I was thinking all kinds of unprofessional thoughts about him.

~shakes head~

Gutter mind. Gutter mind.

But I’ve decided to break up with him in my mind. All this time I thought I wanted to be with a businessman like him. He has almost every quality that I want to develop in myself as well as all of those qualities that I have prayed for in a man and…that shit scares me.

I don’t know if I’m ready for all that.

Yep…this Dude freaks me out with his brilliance.

I’m not saying I’m not good enough, I’m just saying he’s like WHOA. I’ve never seen anything like it.

This dude is a MAN. I’m so used to dealing with gay dudes or little scared boys in men’s clothes.

But yet I realize, I still have so much growing to do.

I ain’t ready.

Now I see why men in my past had pulled away. You know when you’re not ready…

I got a boost when I received the most beautiful email today from a reader. I live for these appreciative emails and if you only knew the kind of mail I got on a daily basis you would fall out. All of my mail isn’t “You go girl!” Some of it is “You are crazy.”

I try not to take things too personally but I’m sensitive so I usually call my friends and they pep me up.

You ever read that scripture, “Where two or more agree….?”

Well, that is more than just calling your favorite friend to pray with you. It’s more like having a great friend who believes with you for your life goals in Christ.

I have so many people who believe with me that I am sure my dreams will come true. Honestly…if it wasn’t for my friends I could not make it through this.

They don’t TELL me what to do, but they support my decisions and encourage me by staying on my level of faith and integrity.

I need that. It energizes me.

Ughhh….

I’m doing really well with this guy who is stuck to me like glue when I get home. The same guy who was annoying me by the pool the other day and every day since. I usually bring my laptop and sit on the porch to write but he always comes out here talking and talking no matter what time I try to sneak out. I’m trying to be polite because I feel like he may need a listening ear but I want to tell him to shut the fuck up.

He’s sitting right next to me right now telling me a story about how his friends, teachers and everyone is always jealous of him. He’s a 39 year old white man who is traveling through Dallas on his way back to visit his family in New Mexico.

He won’t shut the hell up!

I can’t even THINK of what I came out here to write.

Damn!

~sigh~

What’s a nice way to say LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE?

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Updates

I went through almost a half a box of tissues today at work.

I was crying and crying about everything.

Mother’s Day is coming and I’m not gonna be with my kids. wahhhh….

I need to go to the dentist. wahhhhh….

I wanna be successful RIGHT NOW! wahhhh….

Nobody loves me. wahhhh….

Nobody calls me. wahhhh…..

I hate myself. wahhhh….

I’m ugly! wahhhh……

Then I thought about something. Hmmm….

I haven’t had my period in a while. Maybe this PMS stuff is for real. I always thought it was made up.

Sure enough… as soon as I got home from work and went to the bathroom I was like, “WOW! I need a tampon.”

I hopped all around my room going in and out of my bags and I couldn’t find one. Damn. I know I have one somewhere. It’s like in between periods I never think about them damn things and I’m almost surprised when it comes again.

Damn! I need a tampon!

Then in a flash of light it came to me. So I pulled on a dress, ran outside, down the stairs out of the building, into the parking lot and rushed over to the passenger side of my car.

EUREKA!

I found it.

Why is there always an extra tampon in the glove compartment?

I don’t know how old this bitch is but I’m going to wear it until I can get to the stoe! I think the tampon fairy be hiding them bitches in there cuz when I’m in a pinch I can always find them….

Or…

Maybe it’s GOD who is my supply!

LOL!

Anyway…after I cleaned up I immediately called my Mama and we chatted about whatever.

“Dang,” I said to her. “I think I need to wash my hair tonight.”

“What hair? All you gotta do is wipe that shit off.”

“You got jokes Ma.”

I’m so excited. My little sister is immersing herself into the internet world. She’s on myspace and facebook. Her name is Teenie if you ever see her around. Maybe I’ll convince her to start reading my blog one day.

It’s funny how no one from my family reads it and only half of my close friends read it. ~shrugs~ I don’t know what’s going on with that.

All day long I worked to fine tune the debut of my first feature section. It’s LIVE ya’ll. You can check it out. Ok, so I chose all of the pictures, coordinated the development of all of the stories and wrote some of the stories but if you stay tuned over the next few weeks I plan to roll out other features that showcase some of your favorite bloggers.

We’re all writers so I figured that I’d give those who want a chance to write, the opportunity to do so. And so far I’ve been blown away! Thanks for doing a great job guys!

It’s the internet man!

It’s so different from working in print.

In print, when the story is done and sent to the copy editors your hands are tied.

On the INTERNET- Hell…I’m always revising stories and catching mistakes and adding extra things to it. The story is never completed. Sometimes I have to say, “STOP, work on another story. Stop revising it.”

It’s the INTERNET! I love it!

I think I’m in love….

I update a website for a living.

~sigh~

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Grumbling and Mumbling

No, I’m not the easiest person to hang around.

All day long I shower people with praise and point out their fabulosity and use every chance I get to tell them how wonderful they are. Some people HATE me for this but I can’t help it. All I see when I look at you is how great you are.

I have a story to write and I’m stalling. My mind can’t let go of all of my shortcomings. You know, the things I need to fix about myself. These days it’s more of a physical thing than anything mental because my shift in mental attitude when I realized how my expectations RULE my world have caused me to expect only wonderful things and wonderful things happen consistently!

This still doesn’t help with the other physical things that I need to work on like…my teeth.

I have horrible teeth.

I remember when I was with my Baby Daddy he said, “As soon as I get some money I’m gonna get your teeth fixed for you Babe. Once you do that, you’ll be fine.”

I have cavities and bad breath all the time. I need to get that handled. Do you know how good it feels to have INSURANCE?! Oh my gosh! I haven’t had that in forever. I can go to the doctor! We have full coverage DENTAL too! I think I may faint!

The last time I went to the dentist they gave me a projected bill for my dental work and I shrugged and threw that shit in the garbage. I didn’t have money for that.

A couple of visits to the doctor, a few dozen visits to the dentist and I should be all right. Then I can concentrate on improving the outside.

I fantasize about having good meals on a regular basis. Homecooked meals. Meals NOT cooked by me. I wonder how that’s gonna happen?

I also wish I could take a day to detoxify myself and you have no idea how long it’s been since I relaxed in a warm BATH.

A massage would be nice.

I’m a BEAST at work, but at least I haven’t smelled like one lately. I think my expectation that I WON’T smell like hot cootchie has led to me not reeking. Or maybe I just haven’t noticed.

There are so many pretty women at my office. I check them all out, but not too closely. If any of them are bi or gay I don’t want them thinking I am too, which they probably think anyway because everyone thinks that I like women. Which I kinda do… A little bit. Women are so beautiful to me. I just don’t want to touch them.

Blah…

I’m procrastinating…

Let me go write this story…after I make one phone call.

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Famous Predictions

I hate email forwards but I had to share this one.

So…You tell me I can’t have EVERY SINGLE THING I envision for my life?

Well…these people were naysayers too…

“Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances.” — Dr. Lee DeForest, “Father of Radio & Grandfather of Television.”

“The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.” – – Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project”There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.” — Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers .” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

“There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.” — Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers .” — Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us,” — Western Union internal memo, 1876.

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” — David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper,” — Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”

“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make,” — Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.

“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out,” — Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

“Everything that can be invented has been invented,” — Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.

“I don’t know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn’t be a feasible business by itself.” — the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

What are people telling you that YOU CAN NOT DO?
Break the Rules!
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I’m Just a Misfit

I’ve had a week of blah days.

I don’t know if it’s the rain or PMS but I can’t shake it. I’m realizing that even some of my closest friends don’t “get” me and I’ve been feeling rather lonely and invisible.

My work is the only evidence that I am alive. Oh, I guess this blog too.

I’ve been feeling anxious about Dallas and this job. I’m holding it down at work, doing my usual overachiever thing and no one is upset by that which surprises me.

Today I got the feeling that I shouldn’t be here. My only concern is, I don’t have any other place to be. Do I get up and go, searching for my next opportunity? Am I just scared that the rest of my time here will be like the past 10 months of my life, filled with uncertainty and dissappontment?

But then I can “hear” the words of Florence Scovel Shinn in my head reminding me that “nothing is too good to be true” and “nothing is too good to last forever”.

I am a magnet for all things wonderful and perfect. God’s light shines over my life, guiding me toward my true destiny in Christ, if I diligently seek Him.

But why am I feeling so afraid all of a sudden?

Why can’t I rest?

I carry this huge burden of responsibility on my shoulders. It’s the promise that I made to my kids that we will be back together again. When will that happen? I’ll have to settle down and be stable to do that. How will that happen when I’m always starting over? How will I accomplish my dreams if I can’t go and move and embrace new opportunities for advancement in my career?

Sometimes I wish my passion was nursing or teaching or something more stable. This “pursuing your passion by example” journey that I am on leads me to take risks and be unstable at times.

I want a home. I want things to fit right.

I don’t feel like I’m a good fit for anywhere right now.

My job is so easy. It’s enjoyable and the pay is okay. I think it’s my lack of a social life that is leading to these blahs. I look at Kim who just made a faith move and I sigh because she’s so happy and enjoying herself with her friends.

I want friends too. But I’m not friendly at all. I’m cordial but I’m not about to invite strangers into my life like that when I see evidence that they have qualities that I don’t allow in my mental space. If I see that you’re a gossip, I can’t hang around you. If I see that you talk bad about people or things, I can’t be in conversation with you. If I find you to be an indirect communicator, I’m not interested in communicating with you.

Why do I have all of these rules? I guess..I just can’t allow just ANYONE to get close to me. When the wrong people are too close, they can drag you down.

I spoke to Mimi the other day and she reminded me that because my standards are so high, that it would be difficult to ease into relationships. When someone is a friend to all, you can pretty much expect that they are compromising who they are to fit in with each individual personality. I can’t cater to people like that just to have company.

So until I receive those friends that God has for me I’ll continue to seduce my computer nightly and embrace my fantasies of being settled and living the life of my dreams.

Donovan and I text message daily. He’s so goofy it’s cute. Today he wrote to me that he’s diabolical and I asked him to tell me what he was plotting lately. He wrote: I’m plotting on keeping an everlasting smile on Ashley’s face.

~gag~

Sometimes I can’t stand him and all of his goodness. It gets under my skin and I know why…It’s because I can’t stand the fact that I’m meeting wonderful men who are gentlemen and sweet and caring…all to OTHER WOMEN. Damn!

I try to look at the world like Chosen does, you can tell she’s a preacher at heart. Thinking positively on the situation like she does leads me to believe that I’m attracting what I desire in men and these men who are new to my world are all precursors to the man God has for me.

I think about my future and my impending success and I am so impatient. I want it NOW! I’m such a brat.

Where am I?

Oh yeah…I’m in Dallas.

But where am I really?

I’m floating somewhere between reality and fantasy, most times withdrawing into my fantasy self for entertainment and solice.

I won’t get depressed. I will just pour my heart into my work and think about the next time I will get to see my kids and my friends. Anna’s wedding is less than a month away and I will be back in Miami to celebrate. Raycita’s graduation is in two weeks and I will be in California to hang out with her. Marsha will give me a hug. She gives great hugs! She cuddles me like I’m her baby. I love that! I need that.

All of this internet love is wonderful but it doesn’t compare to a hug from someone who loves you.

I need a hug, God.

I need a sign that things will be good for me here.

Please let something OUTSTANDING and magical happen to me in the coming weeks so that I will be excited to be here.

Having a job I love isn’t enough. I want to know that I can live and be happy outside of work too. I don’t want to cry at work anymore.

I want to be…happy.

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Preparing For Success

Ahhh…

I feel better.

I had a headache all day long yesterday. I thought it was because I didn’t sleep well the night before. I was grouchy too because I realize that God wants me to relax and prepare for success at this job.

I had to let go of my nervousness about finally finding the right job for me and embrace the fact that this may be it. It sure feels like it. I will go out and try to find a REAL place to live. No living in a shoebox like I had planned to. Remember, If you ask for success and prepare for failure, you will receive the thing you have prepared for.

I will prepare for success. I have sent my request for the perfect apartment for the perfect price up to God and I trust that He will answer in a timely manner. I can’t WAIT to see what happens!

I haven’t heard from Donovan in two days. A couple of weeks ago he texted me asking me if I needed him to send me cash before he left to go out of the country. I told him no because my co worker had already given me $200. He wrote me back saying that when he got back he’d send me some lunch money and a little change to get something nice with.

He’s so amazing.

I haven’t heard from him and this bothered me. Today I realized why. He’s out of the country. He’s going to propose to Ashley. He’s taking her to Paris to propose to her. Maybe they are there right now. Maybe she already said YES.

I feel happy for them but honestly, I am sad that I never got the chance to have secks with him. How can you meet the PERFECT MAN and then not get a chance to experience that part of his perfection?

When I told him that I wanted to do it with him, he was like, “Tee, nothing good can come from us doing that. Even though I think it would be wonderful, either two things would happen. One, you’ll hate it and your illusion of me will be shattered OR you’ll love it and I’ll never be able to get rid of you!”

I laughed. He knows I’m his biggest fan.

“Tee, it’s nice that you think of me often but don’t allow that to distract you and cause you to miss out on who God has for you.”

~sigh~

I hate him.

I’ve been working with a writer on editing some of his pieces. I love his writing style and his sexy swagger even though I’ve known him for a while now and the gloss usually fades after knowing someone for a while. So after editing one of his pieces and telling him he did a great job, he emailed me saying:

I saw your comment on my myspace. I laughed when I read it although I know that we will have secks at some point in our lives.

I raised my eyebrow. Damn… That sounds like something I would say. He and I are TOO much alike. But huh? Oh yeah…I did tell him he looked fine as hell on his myspace pics. Well…he does!

Although he and I hooking up will probably never happen partly because he has a girlfried. Tell me why does EVERY MAN who swears he wants me have a damn girlfriend? WTF?

Even still, his comment broke a bad habit.

First of all…it was a surprise for me to hear a man say that he wanted to have secks with me. Someone desires me? Shocking…Believe it. Remember my past, men I really want…usually turn me down for secks. Think about it. Donovan. JB. Down Low Dell.

In my past, the men that I like NEVER want me.

Even though he probably said it as a joke, it helped me to get over my fantasy crush on The Prez and I promised myself that I will never fasten myself to a man in my imagination again unless he showed me that he wanted me too. I had a pattern of setting my focus on a man and then doing what I had to do to get him.

First I would tell him that I wanted him and he would resist. Then I’d have secks with him and he’d love that. Then I’d try to reason with him explaining the benefits of a relationship with me and he’s still say no thanks.

And I did all of this because in my IMAGINATION I thought that he was perfect for me. Even if he never demonstrated any interest in being with me, I was the control freak who figured that by my WILL POWER they would eventually break. Who wants to BREAK a man into loving them?

Uh..uh…Not me.

You want to know what Donovan told me that absolutely changed my world?

Are you ready?

He said: When the man God has for you presents himself, you won’t have to teach him how to love you. You won’t have to work to get his attention. You won’t have to wait for his affection. You won’t have to do anything. You won’t be able to STOP him from loving you. He’ll feel like it’s his responsibility to take care of you and support you in your goals. He will not allow anyone, not his Mama, not his sister, not even his friends, to stand in the way of protecting you and taking care of you. You will be his priority.

WOW!

I have repeated this statement to all of my friends and raised their standard of how they will know when the man is the one. All of them have been blown away.

So NO! Even though The Prez looks like he could be ideal. The mere fact that he ain’t paying me any attention shows that he ain’t it! This now excites me because I believe that when you feel like you find the ideal thing and it turns out that isn’t it, it’s because God wants to surprise you by giving you MORE!

Someone more handsome and brilliant than The Prez?!

It can only be one person….

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Tears In The Morning

I spoke to my sons this morning.

When I wake up early I like to call them and tell them goodmorning and remind them that I love them.

My sons are different in personality ofcourse. My younger son is very affectionate and tells me he loves me all the time. When I was in Miami the last time he would climb into my lap and ask me to sing the special song I made up for him.

“Sing it again Mommy,” he request.

My older son is very standoffish. He gives hugs sometimes and he never tells me he loves me. This morning when I called I was trying to have a conversation with him and he cut me off saying, “Bye Mama.”

I stopped him from hanging up the phone and I said, “Baby, when Mommy calls, she’s calling to tell you she loves you. I just want to hear your voice baby and make sure that you are okay. It kinda hurts my feelings when you don’t want to talk to me.”

“Mama?”

“Yes.”

“Are you still working at a bar?”

I sighed.

“Baby, who told you that? I never worked at a bar. I work for a website. We go along with a popular radio show. Ask your Daddy to put the show on in the car on your way to school so you can listen. Baby, I don’t know who’s telling you about what I’m doing but you have to learn to think for yourself. I never lie to you. If anyone says anything bad about your Mommy don’t believe them. If anyone tells you something different than what I’ve told you, don’t believe them. You gotta know that I love you and I’m out here working hard so that I can take care of you again. I’m not out here having fun. I miss you. I need you to believe me and trust me. OK?”

“Ok Mama. I have to go to school now.”

“OK baby, I love you. Have a good day.”

“Bye Mama.”

I didn’t want to start my day off like this, in tears. I haven’t been sleeping well lately and I need to be rested and at ease to do a good job at work.

I know I’m doing the right thing. Mama has to make a way and sometimes that way means sacrifice. But I trust God and I know that He will not allow my boys to hate me for trying to make a way for us to be stable and happy.

So I’m gonna wipe my tears away and know that my boys and I will be back together again and whatever forces are working against my fulfillment of my destiny in Christ, will not be strong enough to overcome me.

I love you boys.

I really do.

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Is My Life For Real?

Today I sat in the programming meeting, the same meeting I sat in last week, and the Radio Man walked in to join us. Everyone was so non chalant but I was nervous as hell because…this is the man whose gift allows ALL OF US to take care of ourselves and our families.

This man’s gift of gab has earned him celebrity status and millions of dollars.

I felt like I was in a movie as the team presented the calendar for next month’s shows. Is this what it’s like to work for a TV show– A conference room filled with writers who all present their ideas and hash out the best ones?

There are nothing but beautiful women on this team. All of these chicks have flair. There’s no button down and slacks policy at all, every chick gets jazzy on a regular basis! I fit in!

But what really had me flipping out was when the Radio Man told us that my feature called 10 Things I Wish I Had Done Before I Became a Mom had the switchboard phones lighting up after he announced it on the air.

I raised my eyebrow. Huh? I came up with that idea and did it less than an hour. But for some reason, it struck a chord with so many listeners and readers that the website has LIT UP as well!

To top that off– How about 3 other features that I produced for the website are being turned into on-air features, per the Radio Man’s specific request! He praised my work and looked amazed when I came up with an idea for an on-air complement on the spot.

I’m sitting there looking like, “What?” I do this in my sleep.

This is an easy ass job, ya’ll. I don’t get it.

But I guess that’s how it’s supposed to be.

You know what the most amazing thing is? I get to be myself and be as creative as I want to, and it is truly appreciated and respected. I’ve gotten FIRED too many times for doing the same things I’m doing now.

I get to be ME and I am celebrated because of that.

Do you know how I feel right now?

I am so grateful to God and so thankful that I stuck in there through the rough parts…

They appreciate me and my gifts…That’s all I wanted.