Month: January 2007

I See White People

Understand who I am and where I’m from.

Consider my issues with racism and the fact that I have not really had many good experiences with white people.

I believe God wants to break that.

How else could he give me a friend like Ryan, who knows all about my issues with race relations and STILL calls me a friend and supports me?

Then, how could I come to Houston to live in a white household and feel perfectly comfortable? In fact, Nancy and I still communicate and I know that eventually I’ll stop by to hang out with her and the kids. How could a white family open up their home and embrace me like that and even more wild is how could I accept the offer?

Wow.

I prayed for healing and now I’m walking it out.

Eastside walk it out.

Southside walk it out.

Westside walk it out.

I’m now living with a white professor. A white MAN!

And he’s nice to me. Today he bought me a book he found about Houston. “It’s no big deal,” he said and smiled as he rushed back up the stairs.

I smiled at his retreating figure. God will use anyone to bless you.

Thanks God…

Every night before I go to bed I plan out my goals for the next day.

I’m in the midst of researching publications in Houston to start pitching myself as a freelance journalist in order to generate income. I’ve even contacted national publications to tell them about my journey and my leap of faith in hopes that I can write a column for their magazines or newspapers to help inspire others with my boldness/craziness.

I’m putting all my cards on this adventure. It HAS to work out. There’s no way it can’t. Kenya said to me the other day, “Girl, if you look at all of the qualities that those successful people have and made a checklist, you could pretty much check off the entire list based on your life.

Sacrifice? Check.

Undeniable talent? Check.

Vision and drive? Check.

Willing to struggle for the cause? Check.

When she said that it reminded me of my baby Kanye.

I feel like I’m his little sister, following in his footsteps.

So far..no one is interested in allowing me to tell my story in their publication. No one is feeling me. No one is giving me a shot. But just like my baby Kanye…I won’t give up. All I need is ONE person to believe in me. ONE person to give me a shot. I know I have what it takes to be a world class inspiration leader and I will.

I will use my gift to inspire the masses. I will be able to use my gift to take care of myself and my family one day.

I will stop putting so much pressure on myself to do it all RIGHT NOW.

I just feel like what’s the point of waiting?

I’m going for it RIGHT NOW.

Well, not RIGHT NOW cuz RIGHT NOW I’m about to go to bed.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll go for it!

And if it doesn’t happen then…

I’ll wake up and try again.

And again…

Until my end…

Amen.

I’m Lost Without You

I love that song by Robin Thicke. Have you heard it? Listen….

Robin Thicke – Lost Without You

It is truly a love song. The kind of song that you listen to when you can’t be with your lover but you still want to feel connected.

Imagine me and you in between soft, warm sheets, his smooth voice speaking the words from our hearts, our souls uniting without any verbal communication. I feel you. I’m feeling you.

I appreciate you in ways that are incomprehensive to the natural realm. You excite me, you inspire me, you challenge me. You’ve changed me.

Thank you for the gift of you. For all of those nights when I was afraid to admit I am afraid. You knew what I was really feeling and you spoke the true language of my heart, affirmed me and supported me unlike any other. I’m trying to keep this PG, because for you my love flows so freely and this could easily, turn out to be a platform to relay my intense desire to express my admiration physically. Miles and miles away, as day turns to night and night turns to day. I never feel like you are too far away, because like you say, even when we aren’t speaking, we’re still communicating, still speaking, still sharing, still reaching– for each other.

Your friendship means so much to me. Knowing that no matter what you are there for me. I want you to love me. And yes, I know you do. I also want you to enjoy me. All the rest were just…practice…until I met you.

Whether I get scared and push you away, or even if I conquer my fears and allow you a permanent space, I’d just like to say, today, you are a gift from God to me. Thank you for seeing me in the way I was meant to be seen.

It took a while for someone to recognize the magic in me. Or maybe they always saw but were too afraid to be overwhelmed by that light. Regardless I, smile when I, think of you.

I’m lost without you.
Can’t help myself.
How does it feel, to know that I love you baby?

What a beautiful feeling.

I’m The T-Lady

JB gets on my damn nerves!

He’s so damn rational and that really pisses me off sometimes. Dude, take a RISK! He’s so damn stable. I don’t see how we have anything in common, except for the fact that we both LOVE writing.

And he’s so fine…

The other night I was talking on the phone with him and he goes, “Remember that night we went out to Sugar Hill? Remember when we were leaving and we passed that big guy on the stairs?”

“Yeah.” I replied absently while sitting in my car so I can get a signal.

“Do you know who that was?”

I sighed. “Who?”

“That was Bonecrusher. The rapper.”

“Yay..” ~yawn~

“He spoke to us. Did you hear what he said?”

“No,” I asked, suddenly intrigued.

“You don’t ever hear what anyone says! Geesh! He said, ‘Ya’ll make a nice couple.’ “

“For real?”

“Yeah. That’s what he said.”

“Did you respond?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I was trying to decide if I should ask for his contact information or not. You know, being that I was about to start my new job as a music editor and all. I figured it would be a good idea to get his information.”

“Why didn’t you?” I asked incredulously.

“Cuz I was so into your stank ass!”

“You crazy. I ain’t going nowhere. You should have gotten your story. Next time GET YOUR STORY!”

“Man…can’t win with you. But isn’t that interesting? How many people can say that a celebrity complimented them? Most celebrities that I have met are way too into themselves.”

“You would know. You’re the one whose met them all.”

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Today I woke up feeling better than I did when I went to bed.

I was watching this show called Scrubs with the Professor last night and at the end, the Hispanic (?) Black (?) chick found out she was pregnant and everyone was so happy!

“A little bit of you,” she said to her man, the guy who played on Clueless.

“And a lot of you,” he whispered back as they embraced.

I couldn’t help it… I…. I….bawled!

I couldn’t stop crying…

~whining through my tears~ They’re gonna be so happy…Kids are so much of a blessing and if you have kids…enjoy them… This is so hard. So hard. I’m so lonely. I want my kids. I can’t even use my phone. I can’t talk to my friends. I don’t have them as a crutch. JB is always there but he won’t let me whine and act like a baby. He tells me to get over it. He wants me to be tough. He reminds me that I’m in Houston by choice.

I am.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t hurt. ~crying~ I wanna kick it with Tamara. I wanna see my friend while she’s pregnant. She probably gonna forget about me. I want Mimi. I want a hug. I want Kim. I want Ruby to come and help me figure this out. Where’s Ruby? ~still crying~

So I went to sleep crying and looking at JB’s picture on Myspace. He’s so damn difficult. I wish he would just act like I tell him to act. He’s so resistant. But he’s so fine. And secretly I appreciate the voice of reason in my ear although I know he’s probably against everything I’m doing. But he doesn’t scold me. He says he appreciates the difference in our thought processes.

I’m glad.

I need a job… I feel like this is deja vu. I feel like I’m back in Miami again. Struggling. Only I’m not struggling as much.

So I woke up and stretched all of the grief from the night before away. Today I will not stress myself. I will continue to introduce myself to editors and pitch my column across the country to any publication I can find. I will apply for more jobs in person. I will get my car detailed and find a barber to get a haircut.

So off I went to get my haircut. A chick I met at the Breakfast Klub recommended this dude in the 3rd ward and he’s actually very close to where I live. 5 minutes away.

I stepped up in the spot and smiled. I love going to Barber shops. They are always full of men clowning and I love to clown right with them.

“Hi, I’m Ms. Tee,” I announced confidently as I walked in, looking every man in the eye. “RaRa from the Breakfast Klub sent me your way.”

“Ok, Ms. Tee have a seat. You have one in front of you and one in the chair. The wait won’t be too long.”

“As long as ya’ll not disrespecting women, we’re gonna have a good time!” I reply flippantly.

All of the men laugh.

I love being the center of attention. When I know that all eyes are on me I put on a show. I can be very…um…what’s the word? Bitchy…but not in a bad way. The way I do it challenges men. I know this. They feel like they HAVE to tame me. They have no idea, they can’t. I’m unbridled and I love it.

The dude cut my hair very nicely. Not as good as the barber in Riverdale back in Georgia, but good enough for me to step out looking fresh. Or as the Houston people say, Cappin’.

Come on. You KNOW I was up in the barber shop asking all kinds of questions about Houston culture.

“This is supposed to be the next hot spot,” I tell them. “No one I know has anything bad to say about Houston. Now I’m a journalist so tell me about your city. Let’s start with the radio stations. What should I be listening to while I’m out here?”

Everyone smiles and one guy chimes in, “You gotta listen to Wash Allen. That boy is silly!”

“Wash Allen,” I repeat as I take out my sidekick and input the notes like a true journalist. “What station is he on?”

“1430 AM. It’s a talk radio show. Them boys be talkin bout problems and shit.”

“What time is it on?”

“From noon to 2pm.”

Ok. “What about slang? Let’s learn some local slang words,” my fingers itching to begin typing on my sidekick.

They all laugh.

“Hey,” One of them says. “I’m from Tampa originally but now I go to Texas Southern University. When I came up here these niccas ain’t know what a jit was!”

I laughed.

“What is it?” one man inquired.

I laughed even louder.

“A jit is short for jitterbug. It means young person. Or if someone is acting like a child, you say, “You actin like a jit!'”

A young man walks in. I smile and him and say, “Hey, you’re a jit!”

Everyone laughs.

Over the course of my time in the barber shop I learned several slang terms.

While I was meticulously describing the haircut that I want and showing him the pictures from my Myspace page, the barber looked at me and assured me, “This ain’t my first rodeo.” I was like, “Whuh?”

That translates to This isn’t my first time doing this. LOL! They crazy!

“So..,” the barber asked as he gave me a round edge. “What else do you do in Miami besides High sidin at the beach?”

“Whuh?”

High Sidin translates to Stuntin (Looking good; shining; profiling)

I notice a young man walk in with a tattoo on his neck. “What’s that on your neck?” I ask him.

“Its a scorpion.”

“Are you a Scorpio?”

“No, but my T-lady is.”

I wrinkly my nose. “What’s a T-lady?”

Everyone laughs. “Top lady,” two men say in unison. “Your top lady is your Mama.”

Ohhhhh……

“Ooh,” I squeal in appreciation as I admire the progress of my haircut in the mirror. “Damn, I’m fine!”

“You’re gonna be cappin tonight,” the barber says.

Cappin translates to Getting EXTRA, EXTRA Fly. “You put your Gators on. Your linen suit and you step out!” the barber explained.

~raises eyebrow~

Gators? Linen suit?

Okkk…

All In all I had a great time meeting a few Black men. Before I left two men gave me their phone numbers so we can hang out. ~wink~ And the barber followed me out to my car to give me a..what was that? Oh, it was a year planner for 2007. I didn’t understand why he would do that at first until I noticed that his number was printed on the front. He was nice though…so I’m going to call him.

Then I went to find a car wash because my car was filthy. I rode up Almeda until I saw this self car wash place like the one I used to use in Georgia and I was hoping that I’d get the same treatment I got in Georgia by playing the damsel in distress role.

I pulled up and put in my quarters, smiling at all of the men nearby.

I drop the hose thingy and get soap everywhere. “Aww man!” I gasp loudly. “I never get this right! I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING!” I say sadly.

“Don’t worry about that pretty lady,” the guy next to me says as he walks away from his beautiful silver Impala. “Let me take care of that for you.”

“Really?” I reply, faking surprise. “For ME? You are sooo nice! Thank you SOOOO MUCH!”

I stand back and allow him to do his thang. I text JB, “Hey boy, I’m washing my car, what are you doing?”

When he’s done I take his number because he seems like a nice guy and he has very nice rims on his car. LOL! Sorry, I’m from Miami. Call me shallow if you want but I LOVE a man who pulls up in a nice ride. It turns me on!

So by the time I get home and dye my hair, I’m tired. All of the men want to take me out tonight but I don’t know who to trust and I don’t know what these guys are like.

I’m having a hard time deciding so I call JB and tell him about my day.

“You betta go out and have fun Shawty!” he says. “It’s Friday. I know that’s what I’m about to do!”

I want to go out. But I don’t know about these men…

I know. I’ll go out and I won’t drink anything. I’ll just look and see who these people are and how they kick it.

I’ll let you know what happened. Let me go pick one guy at random and tell him I’ll join him.

I promise I’ll be as safe as I can be. And I’ll text all the guy’s info to Ruby or Kim so they will know where I am.

Let me go get dressed!

Who Do I Choose?

I want to go out on the town and so far, all I’ve met (in person) are men. Every man wants to take me out but since I don’t know any of them it’s all a shot in the dark.

Who Do I Choose to introduce me to Houston nightlife?

The Contenders

A) Mr. MySpace- While playing around on MySpace I get a note from a randon guy who claims to be the good friend of Ms. Everlasting herself, Ms. SueZette. He’s in town for 2 weeks and doesn’t know anyone, he claims. I’ve been in town for less than two weeks and I still don’t have anyone to kick it with so we’re in the same boat. We can hang out and do whatever you want, he writes. Hmmm??? I’ll text Suezette and see if she approves of you, I write to him.

B) Hip Hop- I met him at the barber shop. He was tall, dark and wearing two full grills. He tells me he’s 23 and a college student at Texas Southern University but he’s from Tampa, Florida and he’d like to show me a good time in Houston. Hmmm.. I bet… I get good vibes from him though and when I ask the barber if he’s a good guy the barber says, “I’ve known him for a while and he’s a good kid.”

C) Rally- I met him at the Car Wash. He’s a grad student here, from California. He speaks with a stutter and for some reason I really liked that. He doesn’t look like the type of guy who could handle being with someone like me but I really liked that about him. I like to have control sometimes, well, most of the time. He has a nice ride too…I’d love to drive his car. He says he wants to go for drinks.

I call JB and sorta tell him about my invitations to party. He encourages me to have fun and that he’s on his way out to hang with his friends.

Who do I choose?

I choose B. But I keep A on the backburner.

I call Hip Hop because he’s from Florida so I kinda know what kind of person he is. I feel comfortable in that and I could hear the smile in his voice when he answers. “What’s up Lil Mama.”

“Where are we headed tonight?”

“There’s a spot downtown called THE OFFICE. We can hit that up. I’m bringing my boys with me. Call me when you’re dressed.”

Tonight I am going out with men I don’t know and I don’t want to cause any more attention to myself than I usually get so I choose a pair of black pants that are NOT form fitting, a black sweater and my red leather loafers that match my purse. I’m completely covered up and that’s the way I like it.

I meet up with him in the parking lot at Denny’s and I follow him downtown. He’s kinda goofy, but I like that about him. He seems to be patient too as I lose him and we have to meet up again because..well..I drive slow.

Once we hit downtown I smile. Wow. I’m finally seeing Black people! They’re everywhere! I meet his two friend, Jay and 3 Leg Greg. The entire time we’re walking these 3 are CLOWNIN! Stopping every woman they see and tryin to holla…Making announcements to strangers passing by like; “He has Herpes. Have you seen his medicine?”

I felt like I was back in highschool! The best part was; none of them were trying to hit on me so I felt comfortable and like I was one of the crew. What a relief! We walk down the street to the spot. Since Hip Hop is wearing J’s, we can’t get in so we decide to hit up this other spot called The Shadow Bar.

We walk in and my eyes grow wide.

It’s a beautiful club! And I bite my lip as I eye all of the tasty ass BLACK MEN! Ain’t nuttin like’em! Damn! I can’t wait for my girls to come visit!

I’m walking through the crowd and I’m so captivated by all of the Black people. When I visited the Sky Bar I was not impressed by the women I saw there but this place gave a different vibe. The crowd is younger, mid 20’s I believe. The women are more style concious and I couldn’t find a thick girl in the place. These women were really pretty, well dressed and sexy as hell. My eyes couldn’t decide whether I wanted to ogle the men or the women. The women won out in the end.

I had one drink, compliments of Jay and I danced a little with Hip Hop but…I felt like a Grandma because I’m not a clubber. After an hour Hip Hop and I left and I met up with Mr. Myspace in the parking lot.

He was tall and light skinned which means he was the OPPOSITE of the type of men I like to look at but he was cool. We kicked it for a bit, I drove him back to his hotel and then I struggled through the rain trying to find my way home.

I found it! I’m so proud of me!

I climbed into bed and woke up just in time to hear The Professor knocking on my wall asking me, “Are you getting ready?”

He invited me to spend the afternoon with him.

He took me to a french restaurant in the Rice Village for lunch. We chatted about whatever as we ate and sipped ice tea. Then we went over to Reliant Park for the Houston Auto Show. We had a great time looking at all of the 2007 cars from each car maker. The only one that made me go OOh was the 2007 Mercedes Coupe. I don’t like the new Jaguars. They look too retro. I remember seeing one on the road and thinking, “Why does he think he looks good in that old ass car?!”

The Professor is looking to buy a new car at the end of this year and while I was encouraging him to get a sports car, the retired Vietnam veteran told me, “I’ve been through that phase. I used to drive a Corvette. I’m not buying any car that I can’t buy cash.”

We leisurely strolled through row after row, making comments and touching cars that we knew we would never buy. I thought the new Bentley’s were ugly. The Convertible Bentley’s were cute though.

After the Auto Show we went for Icecream at Marble Slab. I had chocolate swiss with a big fat brownie in it and he has vanilla with pecans. We talked about so many things that I can’t even give an example. He is very easy to talk to and even when we don’t talk, it’s still cool. On the way back to his house I sang in the car and he laughed at me.

When we got back I sat in my car and called my kids.

“Mama! We’re going to the carnival!” My Boo Boo told me excitedly.

“For real? The Youth Fair?”

“No, the one you took us to last year. The one by your old house.”

“In Miami Shores?”

“Yeah Mama. That one! We had so much fun didn’t we? Daddy is taking us there!”

“Your Daddy always takes ya’ll to do so many fun things. I wish I could come.”

“I wish you could too Mama.”

“Alright baby well…have fun. I miss you.”

“I miss you too Mama. Talk to you tomorrow.”

Before I could start crying and asking myself, “What are you doing in Houston?” My phone rings and it’s JB. He makes me laugh and I feel better.

When I go back inside I take a sleepless rest and then go upstairs to see what the Professor is doing.

“Hey Professor!” I call out. He’s nestled in his favorite lounge chair in front of his lap top the way he always is. “Can you teach me how to hypnotize tonight?”

“You want to do that tonight?” he asks.

“Yep.”

“Ok, give me 10 minutes and let me wrap this up.”

The Professor was a CIA agent or FBI agent or something. He has plaques and all kinds of degrees all over his walls. He told me about going to Miami to catch Columbians. His specialty is to try to get the bad guy to admit to doing wrong. He also knows how to hypnotize suspects and get them to reveal the truth.

“So you have a conniving mind?” I ask him.

He laughs, “Well, if you want to catch the bad guy you have to know how they think.”

“Well, make me admit something…” I egg him on.

“I don’t want to embarrass you.”

I laugh. He has no idea. I have no shame.

“Well, if you want me to teach you how to hypnotize then you have to let me hypnotize you.”

“Hell naw…You might invite some demons or some crazy stuff into my spirit. No thanks.”

We decide to watch a movie. We flip through all of the movie channels but nothing is on. We turn to the pay per view channels and decide to watch:

ATL

Yes, the movie about Atlanta based rapper T.I. At first I was not feeling T.I. but after watching that movie, he could get it. I think he did a great job as an actor. And the Professor thought T.I.’s love interest was pretty. LOL!

After the movie the Professor went to bed and I went out to my car to call a few friends and then I went to bed, thinking about how I first went away to colleg and how torturous the frist 2 weeks were when I didn’t know anyone.

I’m hoping things get better. Monday will make it official. I’ve been here for two weeks now and still- no friends, no job, no…progress it seems.

But you guys have no idea how friendly the people in Houston are. It’s much different from the “My Mama raised me to open doors” kind of Southern Hospitality that you would find in Georgia. It’s a genuine helpfulness that I can’t say I’ve seen anywhere.

The readers that I have in Houston have REALLY gone out of their way to give me information, connect me with people in my field and send encouraging words and I am loving that!

As much as I want to say, “THis is wack, I’m gone.” There’s something about this city. Something about the people here that makes me want to stay and see what happens.

Perfect example: As I was researching publications to send out my samples I was having a rough time. As soon as I found a few I received an email from a Houston reader with a LONG LIST of publications in Houston!

Another example: I called the restaurant to follow up on my interview because I had not heard back from them. While the manager was a bit elusive in answering, “We haven’t decided yet,” she told me. Dude. It’s a WAITRESS position. How much thought do you need to give it? ~shrugs~

I shrugged it off and asked her, “Well, since you don’t really know about that, can you point me in the direction of a good barber?”

“Oh.. Ra Ra who works here has a short cut and I’ll get her for you.”

The receiver exchanges hands and some chick I have never seen greets me cheerfully. “Hi, you’re looking for a barber? Well, girl, all you have to do is…..And then ask for B. Tell him I sent you and here’s my cell phone number in case you get lost. Call me anytime!”

I hang up looking confused.

Damn these people are friendly….

Weird..but I kinda like it.

Let’s see what week 3 in Houston brings.

No…Thank You!

Over the course of my 3 years as a blogger I’ve shared the truth from my heart. I’ve bared my soul in an effort to understand myself better and as a record of my growth. I know I don’t always say and do the right things. I know that my heart isn’t always as pure as it should be. I know that I’m not growing as fast as others think I should, but I’m still trying to become a better person everyday.

Through my desire to improve and motivate myself, I have noticed that I have somehow become an inspiration to others. The crazy thing about it is, YOU, my readers and blog friends have made more of an impact on my progress than you will ever know. I read every comment. I receive every prayer and gesture of good will. Believing in myself is made so much easier because of you. YOU believe in me too. I need that.

Thank you for your encouraging comments and especially to those who have taken the time to write a personal note and send it to my inbox. You won’t guess how many times I have to pull up those emails and cry while reading on those days that I feel like I’m not making a difference when I know in my heart that I was put on earth to help shape and change lives in a positive direction.

I’d like to share with you a few of the letters that I have received that touch me and let me know, even through the rough times, I’m doing something right.

***Names withheld to respect the privacy of the writer.

Dear Ms. Tee,

Your post on Thursday struck me so deep down inside I had to leave my office (big room w/ 4 other people, desks and phones) and find me a secluded stall in a seldom used bathroom and let loose. I have been feeling such misery for the last month that many days I felt it would be better for everyone who knew me if I was not here anymore. My 3 daughters and the idea of someone raising them is what kept me here. I know that I know my girls personalities better than anyone and I have seen how people not understanding them has lead to people not always treating them the way I think is fair. I have tried talking to one of my friends but people are so judgemental and I have realized people don’t really listen.

I have been trying to distract myself out of depression by running the streets a lot. Luckily my kids go away every summer and won’t be home for 3 more weeks because I can’t imagine getting through these days facing them and having to be “normal”.

Your post meant the world to me and gave me hope and helped me to remember that suicidal thoughts come from the devil and I need to let go of my worries and let God deal with them. For the most part that is how I get through my days but this summer has been hard. I am in love with a man, that has a girlfriend and I am so lonely and hurt and then I miss my kids terribly. I always felt that I don’t need a man and I can make it alone but I realize now the difference between being alone and being lonely and I have been so, so lonely for months now. I don’t mind being alone, but loneliness is the pits. I just wanted to say your post was so on time and I believe I have been reading your blog just waiting for this post. I’ll keep reading.
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Hi Ms. Tee,

I read your blog just about every day and I never comment, but I just wanted to email you and let you know that you are truly an inspiration and are blessed. No matter what hurdles may come your way, you never give up. I am also a 26 year old single mom of two boys (ages 5 & 3). There have been many days that I have read your blog and been amazed by the similarities of our lives. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing a piece of your world with others like me. It’s nice to know that there are others who share the same experiences as me.

Take care.
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Ms. Tee

I don’t know you or what you’re going through but I read the email your ex sent to you and your last post and for some reason it hits home. I have been in one abusive relationship and I’ve often wondered what it would have been like to have his child right now. To know that I’d never be rid of him is a scary thought. He would make jokes about me in front of his friends, tell me how fat I was in private and how unattracted to me he was, he’d belittle every single thing he could about me even my career choices…because putting me down made him feel better about himself. I don’t know the reasons why this man, that will forever be in your life, treats you the way he does but I know that it has nothing to do with you.

The reasons why you meet men like him is the same reason I met my ex. There is something inside of you that thinks you are worthless so you attract people who like to feed off of that. I had to realize there was something in me that needed to be fixed before I could love again. I am single (still fat) but I’d rather stay this way than to ever be with a man who treats me like I’m anything less than a queen. I must admit that I still take criticism hard…but I don’t let it control or crush me. The time will come when a man will worship and cherish you but you first have to worship yourself. You are beautiful and worthy regardless of what anyone says. When you are blessed the devil tries everything he can to bring you down, don’t let him. I don’t know if my words mean anything to you but I hope they do.
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Hey Tee!
How are you? I hope all is well. Mike gave me the address to your blog and girl I just had to email you myself. Your blog is amazing! He gave me the address a few months ago and the first night I went on, I couldn’t stop reading it. I read alot and I also enjoy writing. Although, I don’t get to write as much as I would like to. Girl, the responsibilities of family, work, and school can get overwhelming. I am sure that you have heard this before, but you are better than a whole lot of people out there. Your style is awesome. I had to stop reading and go back to the very beginning of your blog. You are truly a blessed sista. Your blog could be a NYT bestseller. I pray you get published. Anyway, I just had to tell you how great your site is. Take care and keep doing what you’re doing!
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Ms. Tee,

How are you?

Girl, I love your blog and I just want you to know that you are not alone. I remember you wrote this entry about holding on to God’s promises especially in the area of
l-o-v-e. It was so encouraging and it definitely helped me to remember that I am not alone in my longing for the man of my dreams. God has our backs. As long as we remember that we can’t attract anything outside of what we already are right now.

I would love to be on your email list and I would also love any information you can sure on getting published. I used to be a journalist, but I switched careers a couple of years ago. Now, I’m just trying to figure it all out. Writing always feels like home.

Have a blessed day!

Thank you for being you.
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Hey Ms. Tee,

I ran across your blog one day while playing on my Blackberry and have been addicted every since! I catch myself checking your site every day to see what’s new. I’ve even CALLED my sorors on the phone and read them some of the entries that you’ve made. Anyway, I always wanted to leave you a note, but never have. As a young black woman in Atlanta (Marietta) I understand far too well the things you go through. I just wanted to tell you to stay strong and remain encourgaged. What your supposed to have will come when your supposed to have it. That was the hardest lesson for me to learn and at times I still struggle with it. Please continue to write…your blog gets me through some days. Take care.
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Tee,

I’m glad you are out there doing your thing. Keep your head up. As far as your race issues. Tee, you just needed to meet some white people that you didn’t consider a threat. When I see you or think of you I don’t think black. However when you think of me, I’m “The White Friend”. When I think of you I think of someone who is trying to get to a place better than where she came from. I don’t care who you are, black, white, green, purple, fat, skinny, round, long, that is a person I admire. I admire what you are doing and I wish that more people would think the way you and I do.

Something is telling me that when all is said and done, you will influence more people then you realize. I truly think you already are. You may not see it, but many people are reading your journey in amazement. Anticipating an ending. Some want you to fail, you know who they are. All the people that hate people who do. you know them!!! Misery loves company. They sit in Miami and they are saying “I told her not to do it. Her luck is gonna run out and he’ll be back with the rest of us.” You know there is at least one of them. So many others are hoping you succeed, because deep down they wish they had the strenght that you do.

Every post you make is building someones faith in this world. Those who want to belive, but have no proof are getting that proof through your journey. I don’t have to tell you but continue your journey like you have no fear. There are million waiting to hear the end of the Ms. Tee success story. I’m one of them.

The Hard Part

Have you ever read different versions of the Bible and compared the words?

Of all the “fruits” that we should pray for there is only ONE that I can’t pray for because I don’t think I could handle it. In one version of the Bible it is called patience. In another, it’s called long suffering.

Do we learn patience during the period of long suffering?

If I hear someone else tell me, “Be patient” I will scream. I guess I’m a bit of a brat in that way. I’ve been called spoiled too. I want what I want, when I want it and why should I have to wait for it?

Maybe when you’re 3 temper tantrums are tolerable, but not at 27. And who in the world gives a damn that you’re throwing a fit anyway when you’re grown? Sorry Kanye…

Today was just one of those days. I woke up kicking and screaming, feeling as though I have no options and everything I do and think is wrong. I sat in my car for most of the morning, crying and freezing but feeling like at least I’m in my own space. I love the Professor’s home and he has made me most welcome ever since I arrived, I guess I’m just impatient. Impatient about the next step.

Impatient about life. Impatient about my kids who ask me, “When are we coming to live with you Mama?”

Today a friend called and asked how I’m doing and I said, “I feel like someone tied a rope around me and two people are pulling from both sides as tightly as they can.”

I guess that was a dramatic response but it’s the truth from my heart.

I can’t believe that I have not heard back from ANY of the places that I have applied to. Not any of the restaurants. Not any of the professional jobs. Not even the temp agencies. I have even applied for cleaning positions.

Nothing.

Nothing.

What is it that they say? Faith without works is dead.

I have plenty of faith and I have laid the seeds, I just need to see some fruit.

JB is steadily causing my blood to boil. I don’t even know how I feel about him anymore. Our relationship reminds me more of the relationship I had with Anna when we were teens. We were ALWAYS at odds, always miscommunicating but still loving each other regardless. I just want to beat his brains in sometimes. He challenges me and that pisses me off. I want to be coddled right now dammit! He doesn’t give me that. ~clenching fists~

I need some love…

I need a hug…

A guy that I knew from Atlanta called me tonight asking how things were going. I didn’t go into detail I just told him that if I recounted the stories of the past few weeks I would get depressed so please…just read my blog.

He laughed and said, “If you would have just been with me you wouldn’t be going through any of this…”

Ha!

Dudes really think they have all the answers. Dudes who think like that could NEVER handle being in a relationship with me. I’m not that simple. I’m not that easy to satisfy. I know I’m too much. Too much to handle. Too many emotions. Too much intensity. Too bratty. Too loud. Too eager to please. Too independent. Too insecure. All that…and that means…Dude, it would be best if you settled for friendship because if you say you want more and I give it to you, we probably wouldn’t even be friends in a couple of months. Let’s cut to the chase… You ain’t ready. I’m crazy.

When a woman says she’s crazy, BELIEVE HER.

I know I do.

So I’m sitting here going through the hard part of my journey to success. It seems so much easier to take when I think of it in that way. Right now I’m going through the process. I’m losing friends, gaining new ones, hurting everyday, eating cold cereal for most of my meals and relying only on my ability to put myself out there and hope for the best.

Tomorrow I won’t allow my circumstance to get the best of me.

Tomorrow I will wake up, sing and smile as I prepare to hit the pavement in search of work. It’s really all I can do.

What a life!

Ms. Tee- Naturally

I almost gave up again last night.

But in giving up what do I gain? In giving up where do I go?

In giving up I still have to begin again.

Here I sat- maroone sweat pants, gray sweatshirt, white socks- warm and cozy in my bed but my mind was not at peace. My heart could not rest. I began to shake, little shivers at first, which then evolved into full fledged convulsions.

“I can’t sleep,” I said aloud and stood up, grabbed my coat and shoes and tip toed outside to my car. Inside my car, I feel safe. Inside my car I feel better. My car is my coccoon. It’s where I can recline my seat, listen to music and love on myself.

So I did that.

I cried a little. The pain of giving birth to my dream enveloping me as if I had been pushed backwards into the angry Red Sea.

I shook that shit off. I’m a big girl. No time for tears in this city. No time for fears in this city. If I have any chance of making a success of myself so that I can take care of my family I have to be more of a woman than I have been these past few weeks.

I will allow myself to cry sometimes, embracing the pain of unfamiliarity- but- I will not allow the pain to cripple me.

This is more than just a trip to a new city. This is the tipping point in my life. Surviving here will be one of the most pivotal points in my journey toward my detstiny. I can do this. I can learn from this. I will push through this.

Why?

Because…

I am a woman who seeks love and truth.
I embrace the underdog and identify with the less thans.
I am a mother who has held down an entire household while enduring abusive relationships, broken promises and failed attempts at launching my career.
I am spectacular.
I am brave enough to be myself despite constant criticisms and unsolicited advice.
I have a support group of women who KNOW me and love me, just as I am.
I am open to loving and being loved by a man when I have no real evidence that this could actually happen.
I am a fighter.
I gave birth twice. I’m unstoppable.
God spoke to me and told me He loved me. He is on my side.
I have the talent, drive and ambition that mirrors the great leaders in history.
I recognize that my gifts of being attractive, confident and intelligent are mere tools to be used for God’s glory.
I am not afraid to say “I’m sorry” “I was wrong” “I messed up” “I’ll take responsibility for that”
I have two sons who need to see their Mommy succeed.
I need to see me succeed in order to relieve this burden on my heart.
I will not take NO for an answer.
I will love you regardless of whether you love me or not.
I will continue to give of the abundance of compassion and love in my being.
I will remember to give what I hope to receive from others.
I can recognize that I am still growing into the woman God wants me to be.
Like the stable oak tree, I will not develop deep roots overnight so I will give myself TIME to improve and strengthen my scope of knowledge.
I am so beautiful that men and women pause when they catch my eye.
I am brave enough to speak my goals into the atmosphere, becoming accountable for my dreams.
I will see this through to the end.