Ms. Tee- Naturally

I almost gave up again last night.

But in giving up what do I gain? In giving up where do I go?

In giving up I still have to begin again.

Here I sat- maroone sweat pants, gray sweatshirt, white socks- warm and cozy in my bed but my mind was not at peace. My heart could not rest. I began to shake, little shivers at first, which then evolved into full fledged convulsions.

“I can’t sleep,” I said aloud and stood up, grabbed my coat and shoes and tip toed outside to my car. Inside my car, I feel safe. Inside my car I feel better. My car is my coccoon. It’s where I can recline my seat, listen to music and love on myself.

So I did that.

I cried a little. The pain of giving birth to my dream enveloping me as if I had been pushed backwards into the angry Red Sea.

I shook that shit off. I’m a big girl. No time for tears in this city. No time for fears in this city. If I have any chance of making a success of myself so that I can take care of my family I have to be more of a woman than I have been these past few weeks.

I will allow myself to cry sometimes, embracing the pain of unfamiliarity- but- I will not allow the pain to cripple me.

This is more than just a trip to a new city. This is the tipping point in my life. Surviving here will be one of the most pivotal points in my journey toward my detstiny. I can do this. I can learn from this. I will push through this.

Why?

Because…

I am a woman who seeks love and truth.
I embrace the underdog and identify with the less thans.
I am a mother who has held down an entire household while enduring abusive relationships, broken promises and failed attempts at launching my career.
I am spectacular.
I am brave enough to be myself despite constant criticisms and unsolicited advice.
I have a support group of women who KNOW me and love me, just as I am.
I am open to loving and being loved by a man when I have no real evidence that this could actually happen.
I am a fighter.
I gave birth twice. I’m unstoppable.
God spoke to me and told me He loved me. He is on my side.
I have the talent, drive and ambition that mirrors the great leaders in history.
I recognize that my gifts of being attractive, confident and intelligent are mere tools to be used for God’s glory.
I am not afraid to say “I’m sorry” “I was wrong” “I messed up” “I’ll take responsibility for that”
I have two sons who need to see their Mommy succeed.
I need to see me succeed in order to relieve this burden on my heart.
I will not take NO for an answer.
I will love you regardless of whether you love me or not.
I will continue to give of the abundance of compassion and love in my being.
I will remember to give what I hope to receive from others.
I can recognize that I am still growing into the woman God wants me to be.
Like the stable oak tree, I will not develop deep roots overnight so I will give myself TIME to improve and strengthen my scope of knowledge.
I am so beautiful that men and women pause when they catch my eye.
I am brave enough to speak my goals into the atmosphere, becoming accountable for my dreams.
I will see this through to the end.