Month: March 2006

Shackled

Will I ever be satisfied?

People look at me and say, “Dang girl. Calm down. Slow down. Pay your dues.”

But I think I’ve paid dem shits times two.

My mind is working overtime churning out ideas on how to succeed. I’ve got a million of these. But still got kids to feed. People don’t feel me. They don’t understand my plight, they don’t recognize my might, their oversight is my delight.

I just wanna be FREE!

To rock this shit how it’s supposed to be!

Let me take the stage.

Hollup, let me get that mic!

Let me do my thang, with my southern twang- let me blow your mind!

You can’t confine this energy, this cinergy, this ministry, it’s here in me, you hearing me? I’m busting at the seams, with these dreams, visions, delightful kisses, wishes. It’s not supposed to be bottled up in me.

I see how they go crazy. Wanting desperately to showcase this hazy vision, but some men, can’t hear me though. They can’t feel my flow. They don’t even wanna know where I’m going. Cuz they can’t fathom getting there.

I cry tears of frustration cuz I’m ready to rock this shit!

You got me sittin in a fuckin cubicle. Writing bullshit, fallin asleep, collecting a paycheck, ends never meet.

I wish I could fly up outta here. I wanna take you too, but you won’t go with me. Cuz your mind is confined to the bottom line. You don’t see the blessing in this mind, these hands, this heart. I just wanna bless you. Let me show you what I can do.

FUCK

I’ve got so much to give.

So much talent.

So much passion.

So much love.

And you want me to keep running up this wheel?

Throwin Up On Myself

I feel sad because I don’t have anyone to talk to about all this.

No one will understand because no one I know wants success as much as I do. No one dreams as big as I do. No one FEELS as much as I do. Sometimes I want to cry because I just wish ONE PERSON would feel me on the hunger for walking in my destiny.

This is the type of hunger that makes people quit their jobs, walk out on their relationships and forsake their families. I have that! I feel like that!

But I won’t do that.

This is so deep. This need to prosper and not live check to check. This need to get my ideas out and heal as others heal with me and through me. It’s heavy in my chest like vomit. I wanna throw it up but it’s not going anywhere.

I don’t know why God made me like this. I wish I could settle for less. I wish I didnt KNOW that I was capable of having an impact on the world. Then maybe I could smile and sit quietly at my desk cranking out press releases and making some other person rich.

~sigh~

My burden is my gift.

All I can do is take it to God.

And so I will.

Till one day, every ray of light will be released through me and my radiance will shine brighter than the most brilliant star in the most pitch back sky.

I want it.

I want it all.

I have to get it.

The Day After Panic

I think yesterday’s panic attack came after I saw my 2nd paycheck.

It is significantly less than what I used to make at the private school. That’s because I had to take those days off to be with my son. My first check wasn’t even enough to cover my rent. It got to me. I’m here. I thought God brought me here. But I’m not making enough to take care of my family and I’m not contributing to the success of the company.

Some may say, “Just wait. Just wait. Prove yourself. You’ll be promoted then.”

I can’t tell my kids to wait to eat.

I can’t tell my soul to wait for satisfaction.

What I’d settle for right now is a wage that feeds my family without my having to consider asking their Daddy for money (which he makes NO contribution whatsoever) and the satisfaction of knowing that I am contributing to the success of my company in the best way I know how.

Will this fire be my medicine and my poison?

~sigh~

I can’t be content with just receiving a paycheck.

If I could just get some balm for my soul I’d be alright.

What’s up God? What’s going on? I thought this was my blessing.

Hot and Restless

I was hot and restless all night long.

My airconditioner has been broken for two weeks but I slept with my window open and the ceiling fan running and I didn’t sweat too much.

I woke up early because I knew that I had to drop my kids off to my Mama’s house and then meet the photographer at the source’s house to do the photo shoot for the story I’m writing. I couldn’t sleep well anyway. My mind was racing with strategies for making more money and I was consistently trying to explain my heart to God.

God, I’m not ungrateful. Please don’t think that. Please don’t be mad at me. It’s just…I want to be a blessing wherever I go and I am dissappointed that I am not excelling in this position at my job. If I’m supposed to go somewhere else, please let me know. I don’t want to collect a paycheck for doing nothing.

I want to be appreciated and positioned to bless others. I don’t know why things are going like this. You KNOW I have the talent and drive to do wonderful things in this company. But I’m so tired of having to explain to people how I can bless them. I feel like I’m constantly creating visions for other people and they don’t even see what I can see.

It’s like I’m forcing my vision on them. I need to stop that, because when they don’t get excited I get upset and start to think less of them because they don’t want more for themselves. I can’t help it. It frustrates me to be around people who aren’t planning for a BIG BRIGHT future. I want this so badly! I want to help so badly! I want to make her business GREAT! I don’t like to feel like I’m not helping her to prosper…

I got my sons dressed and I throw on a t-shirt, some jeans, my most comfortable pair of shoes and my favorite bracelet made of multi-colored beads that is about 3 inches wide. I was definately mix-matching colors but sometimes I like to do that and go out like- WHAT? I’m STILL CUTE!

I drop off my boys and hop on the road. I guess I overestimated the time it would take for me to drive to my source’s house because I was there 45 minutes early. I parked down the street and sat in my car thinking some more about my situation at work. I called Kim to chat and she told me that she was on the same page as me.

“Girl!” she said. “Just yesterday I was about to walk out on my job! I was feeling like NOW IS THE TIME! I can’t wait anymore! I need to be out there moving and doing my thing making my dream happen! I don’t wanna clock in on nobody’s job anymore. I have a destiny and I need to see it happen NOW!”

I almost cried. Finally, someone understands me. Although I still don’t know what Kim wants to do with her life… I’ll be there by her side while she figures it out and I love her passion and desire to live luxurious. I’m trying to convince her to come on board with me and manage my career. Together we can make some money and build our own empire. I told her she’s not getting her MBA for no reason. She’s going to run my company!

As it neared 8am, I wrapped up our conversation and pulled up to the source’s house. The photographer pulled up minutes later and we all hopped into our cars to follow the source and her family on her Saturday routine. On our first stop I got out, made some notes about the environment and we were off again.

On our 2nd stop I met a code enforcement officer and I figured that a few quotes from him would be vital to my story. By the time I finished speaking to him, I noticed that my source and the photographer were already in their cars headed to the next location. I rushed off and hopped into my car, put the car in reverse and BAM!

My car hit a bump. When I turned around to see what it was, I was shocked. It was the code enforcement officer! He had been leaning on his car when I backed into him. I hit him!

I jumped out and walked over. He kept assuring me that he was okay. The police were called, the ambulance came but he kept saying that he was fine. He even refused the paramedics. I told my source and the photographer to go ahead on the shoot without me and that I would call later to get more details.

I sat in my car in a daze. I can’t believe I hit a LIVE person! Oh my gosh!
The officer was so nice. She assured me that it was no big deal and then she handed me a ticket. Wow. A ticket. I think this is my 2nd ticket in my whole life.

Before they left, the paramedic stopped by to see if I was okay.

“I’m alright,” I told her.

“Hey, don’t worry. He’s absolutely fine. Sometimes things happen to get us to slow down. There may be a reason why you weren’t supposed to be on the road today.”

She’s probably right.

So off I went back to my Mama’s house to sit for a couple of hours until it was time to attend my little sister’s baptism. Her pastor is adorable. He looks like a man you would want to introduce as your father. She loves him so much.

When her turn came my eyes were wet as they dipped her under and brought her back up. My sister has truly grown. And so has our relationship. I will honestly say that if God had not become such an integral part of our lives we would not be friends. I respect her now. She is so focused on hearing from God and allowing Him to take care of her. She totally trusts Him. I love that about her. It’s cool that we are friends. Real friends. Most sisters don’t have that type of relationship.

After she “gave it on up to God” as I like to call it. We sat down in the sun and waited for the others to get dipped.

“That water felt good,” she told me and laughed.
“Let’s go to the beach.”
“Naw girl, I’m going back to work.”
“Dang! You mean to tell me you came and got baptised on your lunch break?!” I laughed.
“You know it! I went to Kmart last night and I have to make up for it.”
“Well, GET IT MAMA! Work it sista!” I said, snapping my fingers and doing a little booty shake in my seat.

I hop into my chicken nugget and head on home. My head had been pounding ever since I hit that guy and I decided to spend my day taking a nap.

But I couldn’t get my worries off my mind. I really don’t want to displease God with my feelings but I don’t want to dismiss my feelings either. I must have laid in the bed for hours with this monster headache. I get a call from my landlord asking me if I was cool yet.

Huh?

Oh snap. He fixed the a/c. I hadn’t even noticed.

I got up and spoke on the phone with several of my friends before heading over to my Mama’s house to pick up my sons. While I was there I decided to try to watch the Madea movie again.

It still stung to see the single mother fall in love with that handsome guy. I still cried when they kissed. My heart ached as he gazed into her eyes and told her that he loved her.

“Don’t believe him!” My heart sang, then quieted down after realizing what a ridiculous thought.

I had to call Tonya and tell her that I was trying to watch the movie and she encouraged me to finish it.

I’m glad she did.

Maybe a young mother who has had a rough past can overcome the fear of never being good enough to love. Maybe one day she can accept someone being sweet to her and treating her the way God intended. Maybe there ARE good men out there who will truly value a woman.

And maybe…One day. That woman could be me.

We’ll see.

Publish Me Baby

Everyday I can tell it’s becoming more and more like an addiction to me.

When I hear about a new publication, online or print, my mouth starts watering and I quickly flip through to see who the Freelance Editor is. I waste no time in sending a quick email and following up with a phone call letting them know that I am Ms. Tee and they have been waiting their whole careers to meet me.

Unreturned phone calls? That’s okay. I can call back. I’ll bug you if necessary until you tell me yay or nay.

Story Ideas? I’m FULL of them. Every situation in life is a story waiting to be told. Most times I am still IN the situation and my brain is recording the details to be retold later. I can FEEL myself noticing the little things that would be essential to a story. It’s mechanical almost.

I LUST after seeing my name in print. It turns me on more than any man’s touch. The site of my name spelled right..mmm…what a nice name I have. The curve of each letter, subtly touching each other. Innocently complementing each other. Rubbing each other the right way. Oohhh…

Very nice…

If I had to choose between getting published in some of my favorite magazines and eating for a week, I’d be eating paper.

I need it like I need electrolisis.

I want it like I want a housekeeper.

Make me happy, baby.

Let me tell your story.

K?

Internal Struggle

I pulled up to my house today with a clear mind. My headache was gone. My teeth had stopped grinding. All I could feel was the wind on the back of my bald head. It felt nice!

I walked in, kicked off my shoes while I shooed my sons into their room so that I could cook dinner. Yep, I said COOK. ~smile~ I made brown rice and sausages. Aww.. It’s a start. My boys ate it up!

Tomorrow I’m gonna make barbecue chicken and yellow rice. I’m so proud of myself. My goal is to go an entire week without microwaving anything. But that’ll come later.

Baby steps. Baby steps.

I feel a sense of relief after I made the decision to STOP being so proactive at my job and just do what the people ask me to do. My eagerness to be an overachiever is not getting me anywhere. I was hired to do a job and I should do just that with a cheerful heart.

I was asked once during a job interview, “What are you most passionate about?”

“Helping people to define and reach their goals!” I replied emphatically.

“Well, then please tell me how your passion can become your downfall.”

I was stuck. Huh? It was the first time I was speechless during a job interview. After taking a few moments I could see his point.

My passion is helping others to dream bigger and better and brighter and somehow making myself a part of that dream and assisting them in accomplishing it. The problem arises when I start to dream for someone who isn’t dreaming for themselves or doesnt want to dream or move forward. They have their own plans for their life and I try to force my vision on them. I guess it makes them feel like I am looking down at their life goals because they have no desire to dream as big as I want them to.

I’m sorry about that.

The same with my jobs. I can see why I annoy people now. I come in all eager to show everyone how I can help to change their world! I start my little pep talks about vision and goal setting which is very important to me and I assume it is important to everyone else. But it’s not. Not always.

So I alienate a few people with my grand visions always smiling and floating around confidently as though I just won an award. They probably think, “She think she betta than somebody talking bout changing the world! Talking about becoming an international best seller! Hmph. She ain’t better than me! So what if she’s talented!”

Although it may seem as though I’m trying to “run things” I’m not. I’m just trying to be a contributing force to the success of the company. I’m not trying to outshine anyone. I’m just naturally shiny. That was God’s gift to me. Same as these big ol boat feet and these big ol bucked teeth.

Well, today at work I decided not to put too much effort into creating new opportunities for myself to excel. After talking to Mimi last night I realized that I am searching for personal fulfillment in my job. That’s not a good place to look for that.

Instead of trying to feed my creative addiction at work, at least for now, I’m gonna focus more on feeding my desire in my own side projects. This way, I’ll look forward to going home more and my mind won’t be stressed with work.

I feel like my mind just took a nice warm shower.

Let me relax and follow instructions like the rest. I don’t HAVE to pave the way. I don’t HAVE to make a big splash. It’s time to focus on me and doing what I love to do.

Wow. Funny how things change.

Don’t STOP Get it, Get it!

I feel sooo good!

Guess what? This is night TWO of cooking dinner for my boys and my 3 year old said to me, “Mama, this is a good dinner!”

~BEAMING~

MY BABIES LOVE ME!

MY BABIES LOOOVVVE ME!

I’m a GREAT Mama!

Man, that one compliment makes me want to cook every night. ~smile~ I never felt so appreciated…

Today at work was so chill. I didn’t stress. I didn’t do one extra assignment or write out a vision for growth for any of the departments. I just worked on my one little story all day and by the end of the day I read it and said, DAMN! This is sooo tight!

I sweat my own writing! LOL!

I was driving to work this morning and I read a bumper sticker that said, “I’m not weird, I’m gifted.”

I smiled. That’s exactly how I feel.

And what happened last night has caused me to have to repent publicly.

I lust after Shaquille O’Neal in my dreams.

Ughh! There! I said it… Now I can begin to heal.

I have these dreams about him all the time. The atmosphere changes but the theme is the same. We meet and are instantly attracted to each other, he propositions me for sex with the understanding that a LOAD of money will be handed to me. Damn Superhead! After I read that book of hers, I can’t stop having these type of fantasies.

I think it’s deeper than sex though. Cuz Shaq and I never have sex in my dreams. Something always interrupts us and I never get my money or my intimate time with him. ~shudders~ I don’t even like huge men like that.

I’m working on a TON of projects right now which has caused EXTREME happiness in my life! I even cleaned my kitchen tonight.

I know…I don’t recognize myself either.

And…. I met a guy who is very special and we are becoming good friends.

Anyway, if you want to hear me in my very first voice over, you can click HERE.

Don’t laugh at me okay? It’s my big bucked teeth that make me sound like I have a lisp. It’s hard to pronounce stuff when you have three inches of enamel sticking out of your mouth.

But I think I’m off to a great start and I got my swagger back after last week’s fiasco of not submitting excellence at work!

Protocol

I don’t understand how things always end up like this.

I know I’m not happy at my job. I don’t want to go there anymore but damn I got bills to pay. This is where the maturity must kick in and Ms. Tee realizes that she’s no special than anyone else. She’s a regular woman with ongoing bills that need to be paid regardless of how bright and talented and blessed she is.

Dreams and visions won’t pay my expensive ass rent.

I don’t know what to do but I know that I don’t want to be there anymore. But it doesn’t matter what I want, what matters is they got me. I’m stuck.

I took a risk and that shit backfired on me. Making less money, using more gas to drive, can’t even eat lunch, stressing just as much.

I think this is the first interruption in my winning streak.

And it has hit hard.

A Hidden Message

I woke up in a fright this morning, looking around wondering who touched me.

Then I felt it in my heart. The word reverberated like a frantic tennis ball in an enclosed basketball court.

I heard it loud and clear. But I don’t know what it means.

A loud whisper seemed to touch my soul as it sang:

OVERDRIVE

OVERDRIVE

OVERDRIVE

??????????????????????????????

She’s FABOO!!!

I LOVE Kimora Lee Simmons. I wanna be JUST like her when I grow up.

She’s so stunning and vibrant, smart and sassy.

I love the way she loves herself and doesn’t give a damn what anyone thinks.

She should have her own reality show, I’d watch it all day!

She’s FABULOUS and as soon as I can, I’m going to buy her book.

I can’t wait to meet that chick!