Month: March 2004

Get on up!

I fell out today. After work I went to the bookstore before I picked up my sons because tomorrow is my boss’ birthday and I wanted to get him a book that he talked about. I fell out while I was looking for the book and the manager asked me if I wanted him to call an ambulance. Yeah right! you know how much an ambulance costs? I’d rather drive myself to the hospital than pay for that.

All day long I had this monster headache, one of those where your eyes are half-closed just to get some relief. I know i must have been looking so mean all day but that’s not unusual, ppl say I look mean a lot.

I didnt get much sleep last night. I couldnt sleep for some reason. I think it was because I had taken a luscious nap that afternoon and Solomon woke up coughing around 2 am for about two hours. I also had something on my heart that I needed to write down but I was trying to ignore it. but when its so strong like that I cant ignore it and until i get up and write it down, I cant get any rest. It’s a burden but it’s true. I always have a story dancing around in my head. I guess that’s how I know writing is my passion, it’s what I think of most.

I’ve been okay. It’s funny how I’m dealing with being Almost Twenty-Five. I’m not 25 yet but just the countdown is wearing on me. As each one of my friends turn 25, I can see its like a wake-up call. A self-check. They get out that inventory wish list and compare. They still feel 21 but its quite evident they arent a kid anymore.

I cant even pretend Im a kid. Shoot, I have two kids of my own. Being almost 25 is scary. Being almost 25, still relatively new in Christ is still scary. I thought once I got with God things would be smooth…didnt happen. Before I was carefree, loving on people all the time. Now I worry about their perception of me, am I repping Christ to the fullest? Am I a light? Did I say that with the right heart? When will I get it right? Why can’t I get it right?

It’s more of a challenge now that there are standards to live by. Someone told me that this is normal for someone who is still new in Christ. Once I get some years under me, I’ll see the ease with which God guides my life.

I hope so, cuz sometimes I feel like I didnt get anything right, except the day when I laid myself down and gave up, and God stepped in.

I found a few cool sites that you should check out. At your own discretion ofcourse. LOL…

A site about the strange things people find.

FOUND MAGAZINE

An interactive website for Christians. I like it. It’s kinda like a saved Black Planet.

GOSPEL PALS

A VERY INTERESTING SITE. I wont ruin the surprise.

ONE WORD

A site about people confessing their secrets, hopes and fears. There is some freaky stuff on here, so be warned. These ppl are very honest.

GROUP HUG

Lose your mind and compete with others from all over. Better grab a snack, I’m sure you’ll be a while.

YAHOO GAMES

I think that’s it for now. This should keep you busy until my next post.

Laters.

I’m an EGG HEAD!

Who spends their evenings studying html codes and researching track back stats and IRC channels? I am such a nerd. A cute nerd, but a nerd nonetheless. It’s all really fascinating you guys!

Oh man, I feel like I lost a jillion cool points just then.

Try this link. I just found it last night when I wanted to know just what this IRC thing that all the net lovers are doing? It seems so complicated but since everyone is really into it, it has to be something special. I’m not in the mood to learn something new right now though so I’ll save it for a rainy day.

But you should check it out.

WHAT IS IRC?

ON CLOUD NINE

I cant remember the last time I was this happy!

You guys I have actually gone and done it— I have UNLIMITED LONG DISTANCE!

Oh my gosh this is AMAZING!

I can call anywhere in the entire country and talk for as long as I want anytime I want. God bless Bellsouth.

I’m actually dumbfounded and I feel like I dont deserve such a wonderful luxury but I am so blessed. For real, since I graduated and moved on into the real world I have moved on up. First I got cable TV, now I have unlimited long distance, what next- an apartment with a washer and dryer in it?!!! I can only dream and hope for that!

It is so wonderful to see your dreams realized and to know that I dont have to call my friend Mimi and ask her to call my baby daddy on her cell phone so I can ask him something. I dont have to call my Mama collect and say, “Mama call me back.” when I’m supposed to be saying my name. I can call my Mama anytime I want to. I can call Anna anytime I want to.

I really can’t believe it. It still hasnt sunk in. Unlimited.

Unlimited. Unlimited.

Wow….I TOLD you being with faithful with your tithes would pay off!

I gotta go call my Mama!

The First Step

My boys were gone with their daddy this weekend and I got a lot of rest, neglected my house cleaning duties and talked on the phone for hours.

Last night was Saturday and as usual I was itching for some action. Everytime my boys go with their dad I have this itch to party or do something wild. Most times I don’t do anything but that’s better than going crazy in compromise like I used to before I realized it was better to be bored than have to repent later.

So I called Ruby cuz she usually has some entertaining story to tell and she told me that she was in the mood for da club. She had planned to ride down to Orlando to hang out with her best friend and hit the club scene there but I tried to get her to hang out with me instead.

Me: Ruby, I want to get dressed up, look cute and go out and have some fun!

Ruby: Yeah right. I refuse to take you anywhere with me. As soon as we get out I know just what’s gonna happen. You’re gonna start feeling all bad and throwing holy water on yourself and praying for everybody there!

Me: Ruby! Stop trippin! I wanna PARTY!

Ruby: Girl please, you aint going nowhere. As far as you’re going is the bookstore so go on ahead and get ready to read.

Me: Ruby why u tryin me?! I’m trying to hang out!

Ruby: Not with me. Cuz as soon as you get home you’re gonna be feeling all bad and writing in your weblog talking about, “Oh, Lord…I done messed up!” So just go ahead and sit at your computer and set your web cam up and get to chatting. You just amped up because Im telling you what Im about to do, but you’ll thank me tomorrow when you get to go to church feelin’ alright.

Well since Ruby wouldn’t entertain my blabbering, (I wouldn’t have gone really, I just like to imagine I would), I sat back and thought about the kids at my church. A lot of them are my age and I know that they are very sociable but I never hang out because I have kids and they don’t and I’m weird about getting babysitters and I feel like I’m on a different level than they are…more responsibilities…so I should stay home with my sons.

So I called a girl named Wesla who goes to my church and is really nice and always fun to talk to and I asked her what was going on. She invited me to our church’s salsa team practice and I talked myself into going. So, I went and even though I didn’t want to dance cuz I cant dance, I found myself learning the basic steps, stepping on ppl feet and laughing a lot. Afterwards everyone went out to dinner and I went with them and had a good time.

I am surprised that I went because I never go anywhere. I am surprised that I had a good time because I figured that I wouldn’t fit in, but everyone there was cool and I think I want to do it again.

Salsa classes and hanging out with real people. Seems like things may be changing around here.

Maybe there is some youth left in me.

A Rough Patch

I’m having a problem developing relationships. Its so weird cuz I used to be that girl that everyone wanted to be around. I used to be very popular and upbeat and I think ppl admired my drive.

I was voted Best Personality once and Most Popular when I was in highschool and things didnt really change when I came to college…until I met my children’s father at the tender age of 19. Everything went downhill from there. I was more bitter, more reclusive. All those years before I had battled with depression and low self-esteem, but no one knew, cuz I always appeared happy and successful. When I met him all that hidden turmoil just came to the surface as I tried to become the woman he wanted.

Now, Im much better about the depression, but nothing like I was before. I isolate myself. I dont really talk to anyone much. I hide behind my children, using them as an excuse not to have anyone around. I convince myself that I dont need anyone, that I can do it all on my own and I have been, but I dont think that it HAS to be this way.

Since Ive become a recluse and I feel like Ive changed so much Im afraid. Im afraid to open up to people and allow them to get to know me. I’m afraid to be rejected. So many cliques to break through at church. These ppl have been together for years and love each other and how can I fit into that picture? Usually I dont even try, I just go home and play with my sons. But its a battle inside because honestly, I LOVE GAINESVILLE. I wouldnt mind having my children grow up here. Its so sweet and quiet. The only thing is, I dont have any friends here. So, it gets rough when I’m working a job that I’m not really interested in and then I have no outlet for fun. So its work all day and then home to take care of my sons and then go to sleep. And I get lonely and just wanna kick it sometimes and I want my friends to move here but they hate Gainesville.

When did Te-Erick turn into this kind of person? I’m cool. I’m chill. I’m funny. Why cant it show to others?

You know people are always watching the ppl who were popular in highschool, I think sometimes they are waiting for them to fail.

I must admit, I fell off, but it aint over yet.

I had to report my co-worker today. I prayed about it first and I felt it was the best thing to do. I think I handled myself very well figuring my past issues with white people have been so negative and how rude she was to me.

See, it’s not just me WANTING to be untrusting of white people. There has only been ONE white person that I have ever had a positive relationship with. I dont think Im that hard to get along with. I know with white people Im not really open and friendly, but I’m never rude or offensive, I just stay to myself.

But the RUDEST white people seem to find me and want to TRY ME SO BAD. I think they want me to turn into the ugly, loud, rude person I used to be that would have cursed them out. I know God has changed me because even though she deserved a butt whooping for how she spoke to me, I had compassion for her and didnt even get upset.

Here’s a copy of the report I wrote on my co-worker.

On March 9, 2004 at approximately 2:30 pm, my co-worker Charlene told me that she needed to speak with me in our director Neale’s office. So, I went in and sat down and she asked me to close the door but I refused to.

Here is a rough sketch of our conversation.

She then asked me in a demanding tone, “Are you looking for another job?”

To which I replied, “That’s really none of your business and that has nothing to do with my performance here.”

Charlene: It has everything to do with your work here. Can you honestly tell me you’re putting forth initiative?

Me: I can honestly say I am doing my best.

Charlene: Well, I don’t feel like you’re part of the team here.

Me:: I am a part of the team, I work here.

Charlene: You’re not a part of MY team! I don’t feel comfortable working with you and no one else wants you here.

Me: That is fine Charlene, but I’m not going anywhere. And until Neale calls me in and tells me I have to go, I’m going to be here everyday.

Charlene: You know! I don’t believe this, I thought you would be receptive to what I am saying. I thought you were REAL! Be REAL.

Me: I am being real. I told you I am doing my best and that’s all I can do.

Charlene: You need to be looking for another job!

Me: I’m not leaving until it’s time.

Charlene: How dare you sit up here all day and check your personal email and make personal phone calls on VA money?! We are not paying you to handle your personal business. We are not paying you to read a personal book! It’s not Christ-like and I don’t respect a person who does that. I’m not like that. It’s not Charlene who’s talking to you here, I represent the VA! I don’t care if you have to stare at a blank computer screen all day, you DO NOT handle personal business on VA time!

Me: There is nothing that either you nor Neale has asked me to do that I have not done. Everything that I am asked to do I do and I do it well.

Charlene: Well, what about initiative?! You have a college degree, don’t you? I can’t believe that a person with a college degree can’t figure this stuff out! You’ve been here for six weeks and you still don’t understand what’s going on! You need to talk to Neale and tell him to help you find another job.

Me: I don’t need to talk to Neale about anything. He hasn’t complained yet.

Charlene: You know we (her and Neale) sit in here and we talk about you all the time. Don’t think it’s just me who feels this way!

Me: Well, you can talk about me all day if that makes you feel better, but until he says something to me it doesn’t matter. Do you tell him how you sit up and criticize his competency as a leader and backbite him? Do you tell him that?

Charlene: You can tell him anything you want to tell him.

Me: I know I can.

Charlene:I don’t know WHY I brought those toys in for your kids! I was thinking to myself, I don’t even like her why would I do something nice for her. But I said, she’s a human being and I have to love her because of that, but I don’t like you as a person. We are NOT FRIENDS! Why don’t you just walk out?

Me: Girl, I have two kids to take care of. I can’t just quit and give up like that. I’m not walking out. Look, I can tell that this is not the best situation. I know that there should probably be someone who is more passionate about what we do here, but the reality is, I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.

Charlene: Why would I want to train you when you’re probably going to be leaving? I’d rather do everything myself.

Me: Well, you shouldn’t have to do two jobs and I may not be leaving for another 5 or 6 months. Are you going to do both of our jobs until then? You need help. I understand that this is a frustrating situation, so even thought you’re insulting me and being extremely rude, I can feel you. I understand where you’re coming from. And I’m sorry I don’t know this stuff, but if you would take the time and show me just once, you’ll never have to show me again. I can’t figure this out on my own. That’s not how I work. I’m not a student. I don’t study. Show me and you wont have to worry about this again.

This conversation made me feel sorry for her. I know she is frustrated. I know I’m not doing things like the woman before me did, but it seems as though neither Neale nor Charlene want to train me. They want me to figure things out on my own and I don’t learn like that. I need help with this job and it seems like no one wants to take the time to show me. I don’t like the fact that she pulled me into the office and blasted me like she was my supervisor, and even if she was my supervisor I feel that was very inappropriate language and tone.

Please understand that I complete ALL of my work before I ever picked up my book or checked my personal email. I only made a phone call to the daycare to check on the price for my sons. I am in no way, neglecting what I have to do, in fact I do it well.

It continues…

So today for some reason I went in and all the rest of the women were being very nice to me. I was kinda shocked to say the least. (Remember, they are all white.) I was personally invited to have lunch with them and the same woman who was so rude to me before, (not the co-worker I mentioned above) even pulled me aside and encouraged me on the job and assured me that I was not doing anything wrong and that if I EVER needed anything to come by and ask her and she would stop everything and help me.

She even invited me to go with her to some training session and my evil co-worker was sitting right there and she said, “Well, I have to go to that training too.” and the other lady said, “No, you dont really HAVE to.”

What a weird turn around. But you know me, I still have my eyebrow raised about the whole friendly thing. Why the sudden change in ppl’s attitude?

Maybe I’m just paranoid.

He hears your prayers

He sees your tears

He is there

Holding you through

You know what to do

Trust Him

He’s got you

Love,

Tee

Sometimes my friends are weirder than me. You all know my girl Anna is down in Miami on crutches because she broke her foot.

This chick called me last week to tell the tale of her adventure on crutches to the club. Yes you heard me right, Anna took her broke foot to the club! What kind of craziness?!!

But that’s just Anna, you can’t keep her down for long. Her friends convinced her to go because she had been sitting in the house for over a month, only leaving to go to her doctors appointments. She was reluctant but bored so she put on a sweatsuit and a white sock with a Nike check on the back and hobbled into her friends car as they rode out early so they could get a booth near the door.

As Anna neared the entrance to the club she began to feel uncomfortable. She noticed people looking at her but trying not to let her know they were looking at her. Her friends assumed the roles of body guards, clearing a path for her as they entered the club, which only brought more attention to the already embarrassed Anna.

She hopped to a booth and slid in thinking she would blend into the background. But because they were sitting so close to the front door, everyone who came in wound up staring at her foot, which she had propped up on a stool. To make matters worse, this was a club that she used to go to a lot so most everyone there knew her and made several comments about her presence.

“Girl, you just had to get outta that house didnt you?” one man said with a laugh when she caught him openly staring at her foot. She wiggled her toes at him to let him know she saw him looking.

“Anna!” one younger guy said to her, as if he were her mother. “Now you know you dont have no bizness up in this club with your foot like that! You couldnt stay away?! You know you aint right!”

Anna hung her head in shame and amusement. As the night wore on her drinks started to kick in and when it was time to leave she found herself wobbling on her crutches. As she neared the door she heard the familiar cat calls of men in pursuit and she wished she could walk faster so she could get away but found herself face to face with some guy trying to get her number. She was able to brush him off but others soon surrounded her.

Anna made it home and laughed at her little adventure. Next time her friends better bring the party to her!

Feel better COCINA!

For some reason I can not access my favorite website BLACKPLANET and it’s driving me crazy!

I’ve tried logging in under my friends accounts and everything and I still can’t get through. All I get is the guest account so I can’t check my notes or visit the forums or anything. It’s a sad sad day.

So, in memory of my BP experience I’ve decided to share with you some of the people i’ve met through BP who I have developed ongoing relationships with for almost a year.

You can browse through my friends list on My BP Page or check out their pages below.

Meet Ms. Lafay– She was the first woman that I met on BP and first in my guestbook. We’ve had a lot of laughs and I really like this chick. She’s a lot like me, creative and talented and driven.

Meet The Chicken Man aka John. He lives in DC and boasts about his two loves his mama and fried chicken! He is hilarious, he loves God and I miss chatting with him since I can’t chat during the day anymore. Here’s his other Chicken Loving BP page!

Meet Freddy, I like to call him my computer love. LOL! He hates that. He lives in Dayton, Ohio and has a 6 year olf son named Chris. Freddy is a very cool guy who I am very comfortable talking to and sharing my heart. He is going to make some woman very happy some day.

Meet Ruby, Ok, Ok, I know she lives in town with me and we’re friends in reality but she introduced me to Blackplanet and when I used to be able to chat more often we would light this internet up! She’s the only person I know who loves to chat as much as I do. Also, check out her weblog.

Meet Rajhan, This guy is a riot! He loves to write, rhyme and think. You can’t catch him online until the late night but since I never stay up that late anymore I can’t catch him. I miss you Rajhan. Always praying for you!

Meet Corlissa, She’s new to the group, but oh so necessary. We keep each other up in encouraging words. Thanks girl!

Meet Shaun, well, that’s not his real name but when he sent me his pic I thought to myself, he looks like a Shaun so I’ve called him that ever since. LOL! He doesn’t mind though. He has the craziest interest: tickling! And he claims it is not about sex at all. He just loves it for the fun of it.

Well, I think that’s it. If I forgot you I’m so sorry, I dont get a chance to write much or chat these days.

Enjoy!