Month: December 2003

I finally finished school. I shouldnt have passed. It was all God’s favor and I didnt deserve it, but I guess that’s where His grace and mercy comes in.

Im looking forward to graduation this weekend. My girls are coming into town, Im especially excited to hang out with Tamara and Anna, my bestfriends since highschool. We rarely get a chance to get all three of us together.

Im having a party. I hate throwing parties. I’m always scared no one will come. But this time, at least I know my girls from out of town will be there. Jenny, Stephanie, Tonya, Nikki and a few more will definately be here. My Mama’s coming too. My lil sister cant make it because she has to work, yeah right. I told her to quit. She doesnt listen. Anyway, I still dont have any job offers. Im not stressing either. Im gonna wake up, drop the boys off to daycare and come back home and sleep. Ahhhh… that sounds like a plan.

Merry Christmas!

It’s Christmas morning and although my friends were afraid I would be sad and depressed because I am alone, I am not. I’m happy!

Graduation was a hot mess. That is one stressful weekend. Everyone in town, all up in your face, complaining and going through their own personal drama and nothing goes exactly how you plan it and I’m sooo glad its all over.

My girls came through though, that was lovely. I really have a lot of people who love me. Bernard came through too. I love to see that boy. I’ve known him almost as long as I’ve known my bestfriends. He means a lot to me.

My biological father came. This was the second time I had seen him since he contacted me last year. He looks like he lost weight.

So, it’s Christmas morning and I’m rocking the Christmas Cd my mama made for me and cleaning up. I have a fabulous sweater to wear to my Pastor’s house. He invited me for Christmas dinner, I guess because he heard I was all alone.

I’m alone and I’m ok.

Ahhhhh…

Life is good. I graduated a week ago. I’ve had the whole house to myself since my sons have been in Miami and I’ve been chillin. Straight chillin. Ha, ha! You have no idea how free I’ve been! I can go to Walmart whenever I want. I’ve taken my graduation money and treated myself to dinner, some new clothes and shoes and the ultimate luxury; CABLE! YAY!

Over 60 channels, BET, Lifetime, commercials, Golden Girls… I dont know what to do with myself.

Ahh…My boys come home tomorrow and I havent even missed them until just now. I’m putting away this delicious gumbo I made tonight and singing their songs:

For Sai: Hey Cutie Pie, I love my cutie Pie, I love my cute boys. I love my pride and joys. My Sugarbear is GREAT! He is so great, he’s GREAT! YAY!

For Solomon: Where’s my little Shoopa, my little Santi-Wantie, My little coo-coo pop, My little Shoo-shoo.

I just want to hug them and kiss them and tickle them and throw them on the bed. Ha, ha…

I feel good. I forgave myself for my wilding out after I graduated.

I dont have a job yet and I’m not stressing it. I’ll give myself one month before I take some random job. Until January is over, I’ll relax, pray hard and look for a job that I will enjoy doing.

I’m about to begin a brand new year. Hmm…2003 was off the chain. Growth spiritually, I graduated, a lot of healing. A confirming word about staying here in Gainesville, and best of all, peace, knowing God loves me, my kids love me and my mama is so proud of me.

Catch ya later.

When my friend Freddy wants to make me feel bad he calls me a smoker. I hate that term but the truth is I still light up.

I smoke black and milds. It’s not because I HAVE to smoke. I dont think blacks are addictive. It’s just something to do. I mean, after my sons are in bed, I sit here and chat a bit and then watch a movie and smoke a black.

I’ve stopped before and I’m in conflict because I know that this body is God’s temple which sounds like a cliche but it’s true. I confessed to my Pastor and he prayed for me. But even that same night my hands were idle and I lit up.

I hate that my mama smokes. I have asthma too. I just dont know why i still do it. I’m a saved woman of God and I’m still struggling in this area.

I hate struggling. When i go to church and the Pastor gives the word, everything seems so easy. So black and white. I walk out of there full of courage, focused and determined to please God. But when I get home and it’s just me and my boys and then they go to bed and I don’t know what to do with myself I end up doing things I shouldnt be doing.

Look, I’m not out being promiscuous and doing drugs, which sometimes makes me feel better about this “little” discrepency, but it shouldnt. Man, I want to live my ENTIRE life to give glory to God and I try, I do. I need to stop smoking.

The thing about hidden sin is its about integrity. You may think no one is watching but God is. And He is not pleased. I used to wonder how ppl could say they were saved though they sin all the time and just say, “We are all sinners. No one is perfect. God knows my heart.”

I dont know about that. God DOES know your heart but He is concerned with your actions just as much. Ppl can have the best intentions, but if their actions dont match it is pointless.