Something is going on with my friend Anna.
I just had this feeling yesterday but I couldn’t quite figure it out. Today she hits me up on facebook to say Hi. Yesterday she called. Today she called. Umm…I appreciate the love but…I never hear from Anna. It had me a bit worried.
Today I found out what’s been bothering her. As she prepares to build her new home in Orlando she’s missing the way things used to be. She explained to me how being in Atlanta this past weekend reconnected her with her past and the friendships she cherishes most. She said when she left, she cried most of the way home. She said she always thought that we would grow old together in the same city, all of our kids growing up together too, but we’re all spread out and she feels lonely.
Damn….I felt so sad listening to her.
I never feel like that, but I can understand her pain. I do feel lonely sometimes but I’ve convinced myself that it’s okay to feel that way now and then. I don’t want anyone’s life to be different from what it is right now. I think the space we have between us is a good thing. I think of it as one big adventure to hear the stories of what’s going on in the cities where my friends live.
I don’t know…
After seeing everyone last weekend in Atlanta; Mimi, Tonya, Genevieve, Gus, Vernon and ofcourse Tamara…I’m good for the rest of the year. I’m low maintenance that way and I don’t need people to make me have a good time. I’m not sure if that’s a strength or a weakness but it’s a skill I developed when I was in Houston and Dallas all by myself.
Maybe God is somehow preparing me to live a lonely life with satisfaction. I don’t know. Listen to this..
I met this guy right…and in just a week of interacting with him he has said and done everything that I always wished a man would say and do for me. There are absolutely no complaints on my part. If I say I want it, he gets it. If I say I want to do it, he says “fine by me.”
There’s no resistance or fighting and…he really wants me to be his girlfriend because he’s ready to settle down and have a family and build something that will last FOREVER.
~screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech~
Hollup. As he spoke to me I felt like someone was choking me. When I think of a relationship I think of being tied down to a chair and tucked away in a house, only being allowed to move in order to cook or clean. That shit scares me! I had to tell him that we need to cool off because I can’t give him what he wants. Ended that pretty quickly..ya think?
That shit is unnappealing…Not to mention watching my friends go through drama in their relationships. I don’t want the fighting and the uncertainty of it all. Maybe that’s a weakness of mine. I’m no longer willing to risk being hurt for the illusion of a satisfying relationship, which no one in my age group has yet to realize. And since I have decided to believe in reincarnation (yeah, yeah- I’m an existentialist at heart) I figure what I can’t get right in this lifetime, I can get right next go round. It’s okay to live an imperfect existence. It’s okay to get it wrong sometimes.
Today also I realized that no matter how many people are close to you, you still have to live your own life. Your happiness (my happiness) has to come independent of what anyone else says or does. I can’t hinge my satisfaction on the actions of others.
Yes, I am surrounded by love but it’s the love of the Universe which guides me and is consistent.
Like..I feel more powerful today than I did yesterday because I promised myself that I will no longer bend to the demands of people. I’m going to live my life my way. I mean, no matter how much you sacrifice and conform to please those around you….the first time you say NO, it’s like you never said YES before.
Now I see why my Mama says NO all the time. When she does say YES it’s a pleasant surprise and no one expects anything more from her.
Chile…I always say, every month something remarkable happens to me. This revelation was April’s surprise. I wonder what’s coming next.