What type of Mama…

I had a fight with Anna last night.

Yes, my bestfriend from highschool who gets on my damn nerves. Our problem is, she won’t just let me be myself. While my other friends will just back off and let me act up when I get emotional or moody or possessive or irritated, Anna won’t. She is constantly lecturing me about how I can improve the characteristics that she feels aren’t good. While I know that I do need to work on some areas, it’s so frustrating to hear about it all the time from her.

Like, yesterday my cousin called me to see if I could bring my cell phone charger to her house so that she could use it since hers was broken. I bathed my boys, fed them dinner and then walked out the door to take the 1 minute ride to her house. As soon as I heard the door close I cringed and looked down at my left hand.

I was holding the cell phone charger where my housekey should have been. DOH!

And my door locks automatically.

I was locked out. Again.

Since I had my cell phone I called Anna to tell her that I was locked out and to remember to bring my extra house key when she comes to visit me. My boys and I walked to my cousins house and a few of my cousins and their kids were there. Whenever more than two of my cousins get together it’s almost like a party. Get this: my mama has 7 sisters and 4 brothers. With the exception of one, they ALL live in Miami. So imagine how many cousins I have! And imagine how many kids we have!

We watched Scary Movie 3 and then sat down to chit chat. Anna arrived with her little girl and we sent all the kids to play in the room.

Now my kids bedtime is 8pm. And I am VERY strict about that. It’s very rare for me to let them stay up past that time because no matter how late they stay up they will STILL wake me up by 8am the next morning. So I figure, if I have to get up so early, then they have to go to bed early.

My boys are very good about going to bed on time. We take their bath, then we cuddle/wrestle/tickle for a little while then I usually talk to them about how much God loves us and how He has provided for us and I lead them to pray. Then I kiss and hug them and they ask for more kisses and hugs and finally I stand up and walk out of the room. My 3 yr old, who I call, “My little Shoo Shoo” always says the same joke and they both laugh.

“Goodnight boys.” I say and pull the door, leaving it open just enough to let the hall light stream in.

“You didn’t say goodnight to my BOOGERS!” Shoo Shoo says and they both LAUGH and LAUGH. ~sigh~ Boys are sooo….

Well anyway, I’m at my cousins house and it’s getting later and later. Way past 8pm. My boys are having fun and I’m having fun, but in the back of my mind I keep thinking, “Are you being responsible? Is this right to be having THIS much fun when your boys are with you? Shouldn’t I just take them home now? It’s so late.”

I know I’m very hard on myself when it comes to my kids. I think about every decision I make at least 2-3 times. I just figure if they turn out to be horrible adults I don’t want to be a contributing factor. I don’t want them to grow up and say, Mama scarred me by doing x-y-z. And I don’t want them to be one of those men who hates their Mama.

So I try to be the type of Mama that I ould love to have. I set boundaries which are sometimes fudged when appropriate. I like to teach my sons about God through my actions. I have taught them about God’s grace and how it applies to them. I told them that God loves us so much that he gives us grace when we don’t do things the right way all the time. He is not a monster who wants to punish us for every little mistake. So once in a while, when my boys mess up by not listening or doing something he knows he shouldn’t do, I’ll get upset and send him to his room, but when I go in after I’ve calmed down, I’ll talk to him and say, “I”m giving you grace this time. We all make mistakes. Do you know what you did wrong? Good. Don’t do it again. I still love you no matter what.” Then I let him go back to play.

This happens every once in a while. But dammit I don’t give myself ANY GRACE!

Which is why Anna gets so mad at me.

So it’s after midnight and the kids are still up and in my mind I’m freaking out but I’m trying to play it cool. I’m breaking one of my rules by being out after 8pm and even though no one is being hurt by it, I feel like I’m doing something wrong.

Since I locked myself out and I had to walk to my cousin’s house, I couldn’t just up and leave. I was getting frustrated because I heard my kids crying. I began to feel bad and think to myself, “They are tired, we shouldn’t have been up this late. I should have waited until they were with their Daddy if I wanted to have fun. This is so wrong.”

My aunt comes in and we sit and talk and laugh. She sees that I am worried about my kids and she says, “Tee you need to calm the fuck down. They alright. They are adults in their own little world and you have to give them a chance to play their roles.”

I listen. I sip some more. But after another hour, I can’t take it.

I jump up and announce that I want to leave because my kids are crying. (They had a fight with some of their other cousins) Anna looks at me like, “Tee, just give me five minutes and we can go.” Remember she has my house key and I don’t have my car and it’s after midnight.

“Gimme my house key!” I demand. “We’ll walk home.”
“Tee, you are NOT going to walk home with those boys THIS TIME OF NIGHT! Just wait five minutes for me to straighten up the place then we can go.” Anna says.

This infuriates me. How DARE she tell me to wait! My boys are crying, I shouldn’t have had them out this late ANYWAY. I’m being an irresponsible mother and she wants to prolong the madness.

“GIMME MY KEY ANNA!”
“Girl, please.” she says and dismisses me.

I hate Anna.

I sit down on the couch with my arms folded. I’m so heated. Anna doesn’t care. She calls me into the kitchen where she is washing the dishes.

“Tee, the boys are fine. You need to stop that. You need to stop punishing yourself because you have kids. You can hang out sometimes even WITH your kids. You are allowed to let them have fun with their cousins while you relax.”

“I don’t want a lecture from you.”

But she gives me one anyway.

I can’t stand her.

All I want is to be a good responsible Mom. I may take things to the extreme in a lot of areas, but I know with kids, you only have one shot. The words you say, the things you do, the way you show them love, will affect them for the rest of their lives.

The rest of their lives.

That is a lot of responsibility which I don’t take lightly.

I want to raise men of good character who will be responsible enough to take care of themselves.

I want good boys who will turn into good men.

I want to show them all the love and affection and approval that I never got.

I want them to know God from an early age.

I want so much for them, but inside I know, that they must want it for themselves…

But I can’t help trying to do things the right way. The right way?