Share My World

I’m feeling so emotional today. My focus is all wrong. Most days I can breeze on by because I know how to choose happiness over sadness and gratitude over despair. It really is a choice that determines the satisfaction of your life.

But today… I’ve been pretty sad. I’ve been focused on my past and wondering how they say what you give is what you will receive. Ok. I HEAR that and honestly, I’ve always been taken care of by God but…

I remember when I met my BBDD, Salisu A. Richardson. I didn’t think he was remotely attractive and I damn sure didn’t want to be with him. But honestly, after getting to know him and finding out that he had never had a girlfriend yet he was graduating from college, that made me sad. I told myself that I would be the one to be nice to him. I wanted to show him what it was like to be loved. So I loved him. I loved him more than I loved myself. I thought that was what love meant back then.

And he showed me…how much hatred could build up and how nasty a person could be to someone. Until I met his current girlfriend, I had never even encountered another person who was as nasty as he was. That is still truly shocking to me. You mean, you will intentionally say or do something to hurt someone’s feelings? You’re TRYING to hurt someone? Wow. They are truly a match made on Soap Opera heaven. The way they deal with me seems like some shit you’ll see on TV.

But it really bothers me, not that they do it. But really because I don’t bother anybody. I don’t start shit with people. So to be in some bullshit is unfathomable to me since It’s not some shit that would even cross my mind. That’s not what I GIVE. Never has been.

Ahh..I wish them luck in love. I hope they have 6 kids and never break up and have to look at each other for the rest of their days.

As for me…I truly wish, for myself, that I would receive the exact measure of the spirit of what I have been giving for my entire life. I welcome that, cuz I know my heart.

Hmm..

I’m kind of at a loss here, my research is not adding up. I’m trying to consider whether or not to sell my book as an ebook and just hope the print publishers find me. That would allow me to work on other projects right now since pitching my book to publishers and agents is taking up a lot of my time.

But the people I know have never and probably will never read an ebook. My blog posts are the longest in the game ~smile~ but somehow people continue to read them, but a book online, I’m not sure.

Man, I wish someone would just say, “Hey, here is the way to do it, let me handle that.” Yeah, wouldn’t life be easier if things worked out that way? But..I don’t know, I’m just in a different space in my life where I realize that as many people as I contact for advice and assistance, most are working on doing their own thing and don’t really have time to be of consistent assistance.

All I can do is keep trying and trust that everything that I need is already on my pathway. It always is. I’m always learning. I do hope to figure this out though, some consistent income would be really nice.

Dear God,

It’s been nearly a year since I moved back to Miami from Dallas. I appreciate the safe arrival and the time I’ve had to spend with my sons. Since I’ve gotten here, I’ve been praying for the same three things.

1. A stable, abundant financial income from my creative works.
2. A beautiful home for myself and my sons.
3. That my sons would be returned to my car under grace in perfect ways.

I have not seen the physical manifestation of any of these things yet, I somehow believe that they are near.

I’ve been trying. You know that I have. I’ve grown a lot in my faith and endurance too. I don’t hurt as much as I used to and I know I have you to thank for that. You’ve taught me that my NOW is more important than my future. How I feel about my future impacts my NOW because if I am fearful about my future, I experience the fear and discomfort NOW and when I’m excited about my future I experience the happiness and joy NOW.

So I’ve been learning. And I’m still doing well in school. I never thought that I would be in grad school for one. This still blows my mind. I’m becoming a therapist…who woulda thunk it. WHile I’m learning to help others heal and challenging my own beliefs about myself, please lend a helping hand by sending people my way who will validate these new truths that i have developed.

I know, I know, faith is a determined belief despite the circumstances…I get that, it’s just..I’d like my reality to reflect my beliefs about who I am a little more..please.

Bless my boys. I miss them so much. I don’t like being away from them like this and even when they get back, I don’t know where I will be. Just make it okay for us. I’m sure it will be, it’s just you know me, I’m a brat and I’m a fool sometimes. I don’t want to be anywhere that I am not wanted and I’d rather have a home of my own.

For so many years I begged you to tell me what’s wrong with me. For years I begged you to show me what I was doing so wrong to make my BBDD hate me and to make my journey so tumultuous. I get it. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. My BBDD hating me has nothing to do with me and everythng to do with how he feels about himself. My journey is tumultous because it has to be for the line of work I am trying to do.

It would be so nice to have some of that upswing though. Some stability, some overflow, some safety and of course some love. Surround me with people who love and appreciate me, not just on the internet but in real life too. I’m tired of telling horror stories about my dating experiences. I’d like some good stories to tell too.

Bless my friends. They bring me joy. If it wasn’t for their good stories and positive romantic relationships, I would have probably went crazy by now. Thanks for bringing that into their lives, their peace flows over to me.

Ima go now but not before I say, thanks for teaching me that my past does not define me. My present does not define me. I define me. And I say, I am beautiful, blessed and positioned to prosper and if no one else sees it, I do.

My sons will be blessed every day of their life and I am so glad you gave them to me.

I trust you to guide me. I’m here, listening, moving and showing love to whoever comes my way.

Your Girl,

Ms. Tee

There’s a lot more that can go wrong in a relationship besides infidelity.For the past two weeks our Issues In Marriage & Family class has been studying the 1989 Movie, The War of The Roses. Tonight the class was divided up into groups and each group discussed a different phase of the relationship. From meeting and falling in love, to courtship and marriage to the deterioration of the relationship- we covered it all with indept discussions about where the couple went wrong and how their miscommunications affected their friendships.We discussed how their view points in the role they played in the family was mismatched- Her resentment after child rearing for giving up on her dreams- His insensitivity to the importance of her own career goals- How her passive aggressive behavior indirectly communicated her disatisfaction but the subtle actions went straight over his head. If you haven’t seen it, take a night and rent it to see if you can discover for yourself how two people who met, fell in love and had the “perfect family” could end up killing each other by the movie’s end.I can’t believe I’m actually studying this type of stuff. I couldn’t even come up with an intervention point. My intervention would have been before they even got married because it was obvious that these two had completely different ideals of the roles they wanted to play in their partnership.

Something is pushing me.

I tried to go to sleep last night at around midnight because I was tired. All of a sudden my entire body started shivering and words just started flowing into my mind. I allowed them to flow and I recognized them as words that should go in the next chapter of my book but I really didn’t want to get up.

They didn’t go away. After a few minutes I sat up straight and turned on my laptop to begin writing. I wrote and I wrote and I wrote and I wrote. I felt like I was possessed by the words. After I was done with one chapter I went ahead and started the next one. When two chapters were done I said, “May as well go the extra mile and finish the last one.”

I didn’t go back to sleep until after 6am.

I had finished my entire book by then…I was so tired I couldn’t even celebrate.

I woke up around 11am and went sleepwalking to the cafeteria for food. I managed to lift my fork enough to take a few bites of pineapple slices and a couple of bites of pizza but I didn’t have the energy to eat anything else.

I slogged back to my room and checked my voicemail. My designer had called to discuss what’s next.

“Go ahead and send me the full version of your book, make it as clean as possible,” she said.

So I opened my laptop to begin the editing process. I created every page just like it would look in a book and I spent at least an hour deciding which order the chapters would go in to give the greatest affect. Since it’s a self help book, there’s no real order that it HAD to go in, but I really wanted the emotional effect of the content to be smooth and uplifting.

I worked and I worked and I edited and I added paragraphs, deleted words, re arranged sentences, expanded on other stories. Then I researched quotes and made up a lot of my own inspirational quotes to highlight throughout the book.

Then I read some more and tweeked some more. Before I knew it 8 hours had gone by.

So I read some more and edited some more and created the content for the front and back covers. I wrote a bio for myself and an acknowledgment section and then I read it once again for continuity.

I sat back and smiled. All done.

I spent 10 hours editing my book today but I just sent it to my designer so that she can start on the layout.

I heard back from another agent today. She said that she will review my proposal and get back with me within two weeks if she is interested in my project. I felt good about that.

I just tried to go to sleep but the words for the focus group questionaire keeps flowing through my mind. Again, I sat up and turned on the light, so I’m about to write that and send the copies of my book to the people who volunteered to critique it for me.

What a long, long process but you know what? I enjoyed every last second of it. Editing was way more fun than writing the actual book though. I got to polish my sentences, choose more fancy words and have fun with the text.

I don’t know what’s pushing me, but when the words flow like they did last night and today..I have to listen and write.

Thanks for all the love!

I was so blessed today. I sent out the manuscripts for my book to my focus group at like 4am and today I already received two glowing testimonies.

I wanted to share them with you because I am stunned…

Here’s the first one…

Its 4 am here and I’ve already started reading. Once I saw your email I couldn’t go back to sleep!! I’ve already cried and know that I’ve done things to keep myself single. I’m going to continue reading…I’ll have my “review” soon. Thanks Tee, I really needed this.

and here’s the second…

Wow. I just finished your book. Its AWESOME! I love, love love it! I know about 6 people that need to read it!

I started reading it at work..then I sat at the nail salon getting my pedicure and read..then I went to dry and read the rest. To be honest, I want to start doing most of the stuff you suggested. I can’t wait! I need to admit that relationships are over, mourn the loss of it, and find me a new man! LOL.

The Manifestation part..I struggled to read that. I don’t exactly know why..maybe because I saw the Oprah shows about it, and am already familiar. I dunno..I might reread that chapter and see if I feel different.

The part about the post card and the bookstore. Wow..I could picture me doing that, and I started to get emotional. What would my secret be, I wondered.

The dedication to your boys..I read that like 5 times. I guess it’s easy for you to speak those words, since they are so true.

They feel me, heal me and saved me.–wow..words of a true inspirational speaker!

I guess I will try to answer your question sheet that you sent.

I just have so much more to say! –and I am the rebel of the group!The book was an easy read..the flow was perfect..I wish there was more, though. I could have read for months!

But I am such a big fan of your writing, I am not surprised how engaged I was. I think your personal stories were the best–I was really into them!

I guess it was like reading a page from your blog. Very impressive!

You are going to be famous!

Thank you, thank you for letting me do this..It means a lot to know that my opinion is important to you. I wish you much success in this book, girl..you deserve it!

Ride or die..

Wow. I’m speechless and so very proud that my writing has touched someone’s heart. I can’t WAIT for you to read it!

I found this article by chance today and it really spoke to my heart. I never would label myself as a free spirit because I don’t like labels but the tips they gave really hit home. If you want to capture my heart, following these suggestions would help a lot.

How To Tame A Free Spirit

Have you met someone who’s fiercely independent, and yearn for their devotion? The key to taming a wild soul is to make him or her feel like they can be freer with you than with anybody else. Here’s how to have that free spirit eating out of your hand, willingly and happily.

1. Get your priorities straight. What do you want most out of the relationship? Think about what your top three expectations are: Commitment? Respect? Honesty? Affection? Companionship? Passion? Security? A free spirit is not the kind to twist and turn to meet your every need. You’ll have to make it simple for them by coming to an understanding of what you want most out of a relationship and asking for that, and nothing else.

2. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Things like punctuality, precautions, and any other kind of minor limit or inhibition will be of no concern to an independent mind. They like to flow through life, following their whims – and this often makes them extremely creative and fascinating individuals, which is what probably attracted you to them in the first place. By imposing dams, as little as they may be, you could very well suffocate the qualities that make this person desirable to you, if you don’t manage to scare them off first.

3. Choose your battles wisely. Don’t nitpick. If they’re 15 minutes late and you end up missing a movie, roll with the punches and see the next one. But if they’re 45 minutes late to pick you up in the middle of the night in a bad neighborhood, that’s serious. In general, if it doesn’t directly threaten the priorities you established in Step 1, then let it go and just enjoy the ride.

4. Avoid setting rules. Restrictions are like chains, and will send this wild horse running towards the horizon. Instead of saying, “Don’t ever cheat on me,” say “You’d be silly to risk losing such an awesome person like me just so you could get a little extra on the side.”

5. Get to know the person inside out. Study their tendencies, their quirks, their deepest desires, and their worst fears. Always be accepting and open-minded. Knowledge is power. The better you know this person, the less you’ll feel the need to control them. Moreover, he or she will sense this and feel like you’re the only person who truly knows them and thus, the only person they can be their uninhibited selves around. To a free spirit, this is the jackpot.

6. Give them the benefit of the doubt. A person who values his or her independence will truly test your ability to trust. You need to determine early on whether or not you trust this person, and then trust them completely. Sure, you might get burned, but you also might capture the heart of a person that no one else could touch.

7. Get in touch with your own free spirit. Don’t sit at home, wondering what he or she is doing, or when they’re going to call. Get in your car and take a road trip. Visit an old friend. Watch a new movie. Taste a different kind of food. Your free spirit will respect you for it, and feel a sense of kinship with you when you both get home and recount your adventures.

8. Appreciate their free-spiritedness. The number one condition that all free spirits demand of their relationships is acceptance. If you don’t accept the free spirit, the free spirit takes that as an assault on his/her freedom. If you accept them exactly as they are and place no expectations/conditions on them, then they can trust you. And only in trust can a relationship develop. Just remember that independence is something to be appreciated, not just tolerated, you’ll be giving a free spirit exactly the kind of nourishment that it needs.

Tips

· If you want something, let it go, and if it’s meant to be, he or she will return out of their own free choosing, not because they feel obligated. Sometimes a free spirit needs to prove to itself that it can still fly before it settles down in one place.
· Don’t try to change him or her. This is a classic mistake, in any kind of relationship, but especially when you’re dealing with a rugged individual.
· Give them time to themselves and to their projects. Independent individuals tend to have a burning need to progress alone – sometimes you have to let them go down a path by themselves and just let them know you’ll be there for them when they get to the end.

I woke up this morning with a full plan for the day. I got dressed and went on my way, only to find that…

Every single door I tried to open was closed to me.

Every single one.

It went like this…

Knock, knock! SLAM!

Knock, knock! SLAM!

Knock, knock! Get the hell outta here!

And when I got back from my escapade what did I find? A big fat parking ticket on my car at the metrorail station. ~shakes head~

My motivational self is whispering, “You know that all closed doors push you towards your greater destiny…

But I don’t wanna hear that shit right now.

I want SOMETHING that I’ve been praying for to happen. I want a praise resport to share instead of trying a billion avenues and finding them all closed for construction.

Can a bitch get a YES?! dang…

I hate being pushed around by destiny.

It was just after 1 am when I got home.

My leg was still trembling after my date with ~sigh~ Old Faithful. Lord, help me! They don’t make’em like they make’em in MIAMI!

With a goofy grin on my face I checked my email.

Oh. Kel sent his manuscript already.

He had called me up last week after being MIA for I don’t know how long. But I guess that was my fault since I gave him the cold shoulder that last time we saw each other.

None of that seemed to matter as he breathed excitedly into the phone. “I’m one chapter away from finishing my book!” I smiled. Kel had been working on his book for two and a half years. I knew that it was some kind of science fiction type action type deal that I figured that I wouldn’t like.

But what really impressed me was when I went to his apartment earlier this year and I saw his workspace. He had a big bulletin board with each chapter of his novel tacked to it. He had pictures of his character and short descriptions of who they were also tacked on to the board. As I surveyed his space my heart filled with warmth.

Now THIS is a real writer!

But I never got a peek at his manuscript then. He still had quite a while to go before it was done. So when he called me last week to tell me he was almost finished, I grinned and told him, “I’m a few chapters away from finishing my book too!”

“That’s awesome!” he said and we both laughed at the kinship.

“I guess we’ll have to trade,” I said.

I opened up the email, read the brief message and downloaded the attachment. I crossed my legs, grabbed my bottle of water and took a swig as I leaned back against the headboard of my bed.

“Let’s see what Kel is working with.”

As I began his first chapter I grinned as he introduced his main character. I remember him telling me that he based her looks on me, with the same haircut that I used to have and green eyes too.

I read and I read and I read and I read and my heart began to beat faster with each sentence.

I picked up my phone although it was nearly 2am and quickly dialed his number.

“Hello,” he answered groggily.

“WAKE UP!”

“I’m up. I’m up.”

“Boy! I’m reading your book and this is the REAL DEAL!”

He laughed. “I’m glad you like it.”

“No! I don’t think you understand. I don’t read stuff like this but I’m all up in this story! I’m scared!”

“What are you afraid of?” he asked.

“I’m just afraid to know what’s about to happen next.”

“Well, it’s nothing freaky…”

“I’m just,” I struggled to explain how I felt. I felt that his novel was going to become a hit and that it would easily translate over into film.

“Look,” I said seriously. “We have to get you an editor and clean this up. I’ve already been contacting agents and that’s your next step. You’ve got to get your proposal together. This is really good!”

“Thank you,” he spoke modestly. “I’m glad you like it.”

“No time for that,” I cut him off. “We’re about to do this together.”

“I like that.”

“Uh huh,” I murmered and then issued a challenge. “Let’s see who can sell the most copies.”