Random Days

I had a great time tonight.

My guyfriend picked me up and took me to CoCo Walk for drinks and then we had some wings at Hooters. I always wanted to wear that Hooters outfit!

After we just walked and talked and it felt so great to be out with someone who wasn’t expecting anything from me and who just liked to be nice to me. He wants to hang out this weekend but I don’t know…I’m not into the whole double dating thing plus, I don’t know that I like for him to do so many things for me when I know he’ll never get any cootchie out of me because I don’t like him like that.

My life is great lately. I’ve been so happy and blessed and writing more articles than I ever have. I’m enjoying being a journalist, a writer and a virtual show producer so much.

The only drawback is the fact that I’m still working with this virtual company and everything in me is telling me that this isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing.

I literally feel a pain in my heart when I have to interact with the other members of the team. I don’t know why. I’m good at what I do. I really am, I just don’t have any interest whatsoever in producing news.

Today I sent them an email outlining my goals for the next 3 months with their virtual company. I gave them a date that will be my last day there and I eagerly anticipate that day coming quickly. Until then, I’ve given them my word so I’ll help out as much as I can.

Hmm…Maybe it’s just my internal fear of having another job knowing my past with them hasn’t been the greatest.

I don’t know why but..I’d rather just work at home by myself. I don’t like the nonsense that comes along with working for a corporation. It seems that things are never about WORK, it’s always some extra drama, even in the virtual world.

I’m not into that. I wish I could work with professional people who have set goals and want to achieve them without the extra BS.

Maybe that’s what I’ll manifest next!

All of my manifestations have been coming to me so easily, I feel like a master at this.

Next on my list is my own home with my sons before the summer begins. It’s gonna take a miracle but..hey…miracles happen everyday.

…Just look at how great my boys are!

Talk About Good or Bad Hair!

Guess what?

My hair had this crazy spasm this morning and all of a sudden….

It just GREW!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!

~swinging my hair from my left to right in the breeze~

Ass On Parade

When I went to pick up my sons from school yesterday, my 5 year old looked at me, nudged his brother and asked, “Who is that?”

I cracked up laughing as his brother said, “That’s Mommy” and he ran over to me and hugged me.

“Did you grow your hair, Mama?” he asked excitedly.

“Something like that, baby.” I told him.

After I dropped them off to their Dad’s, I went to class and almost fell asleep. I was up late the night before working on that Second Life project and I had so many errands to run that I didn’t catch up on my sleep.

On my way home I get a call from Raycita asking me if I wanted to go to Karu&Y. I told her I did and that I’d get dressed and call her back. But when I called her to find out where it was located and she told me downtown I changed my mind about going. I wasn’t in the mood to battle the Memorial Day traffic down there so since I was already dressed I rode up to Pembroke Pines to Iguanas but the line was all the way around the corner and I don’t wait in lines so I drove my tired behind back home and sat down to write.

I’m on the phone with Kenya when I get a call from The Perfect Man. “I’m in town for one night before I head out of the country for my bachelor party, let’s meet up.”

I jump my tired behind up and get dressed again and ride out to meet up with him and his friends. It was so good to see him. It had been a year since we met up in Dallas. He looked even better than I remembered and he later told me that he lost weight.

“Where are we going?” I asked him as more friends of his pulled up in the parking lot.

Diamonds, come ride with me,” he said.

I hopped into his car and we chatted all the way to the cabaret. The night air was hot and sticky as we waited in live to get in. Although I was the only female with his crew, I didn’t mind.

Hmm..Another strip club, let’s see what these chicks look like.

When I walked in, my eyes grew wide…

I was literally like DAYUMMMMM! Those chicks were BAD. Not a stretch mark in the place…seriously.

Soon drinks started flowing my way and my smile kept getting wider and wider.

The DJ made an announcement and all the ladies walked onto the stage smiling and showing off.

“Two for the price of one!” the DJ announced and I leaned over to Donovan and laughed.

“Pick one,” he told me.

I looked over at him with a confused expression.

“Pick one,” he repeated.

As they marched off the stage I spotted the cutest chick and approached her. “Would you come and dance for my friend?” I asked her.

“Sure,” she smiled.

I led her over to Donovan and he spoke to her as I watched.

“We’re going in tha back,” he told me.

WHAT?!! My heart began to race. THE BACK?!!

The BACK is the private rooms, the grinding room!

OH SHIT!

But I followed her back there and Donovan appeared a minute later.

She looked at me and smiled down, her big brown eyes shining, her skin seemed to glow. “He told me to give you a friction dance.”

WHAT?!!!!!

“Huh? He did?”

She laughed, “Yes, he did.”

I looked over at him and he smiled at me. Another dancer appeared and they both smiled down at me.

“Which one do you want first?” he asked.

“This one,” I responded, pointing to the creamy smooth chick standing beside me.

Donovan handed me a stack of bills and the dancer said,”Have a seat.” I complied, melting into the black leather love seat.

I was completely in anther world the entire duration of the dance. First of all, that chick was fine as hell. Her skin was so perfect, her body was so perfect that I wanted to lick her. She smelled good, her hair was great.

“Do you like dancing for women?” I asked her as she turned around and bent over, showing me her goods.

“Yeah, I do. But only because the men that usually want to come back here are perverts and the women are nicer.”

“So what am I supposed to do?” I asked.

“Well, you can touch me if you want to.”

So….I did.

I ran my hands all over her body. It felt like mine, except a lot less wrinkly. I was kinda turned on but more in shock than anything else as she ground her pelvis into mine and looked deep into my eyes.

When the dance was done I gave her the stack of money Donovan handed to me and he came over to me grinning.

“D..I can’t believe that,” I told him as we walked back to the front of the club.

“You in love, huh?” he asked.

“She was fine.”

The rest of the evening was a blur as I kept sipping on the drinks that were handed to me and dancing near the stage. Donovan and his friends kept handing me money to put in the strippers g- strings and stuff down their boots.

I watched D’s friends get dance after dance from these georgeous women. And I do mean GEORGEOUS. Seriously..this was a top notch strip club for Black women. I want t go back again.

Afterwards we headed to either Denny’s or IHOP, I can’t remember which. I do remember sitting across the table from Donovan and basically going off on him for getting married.

“I’m gonna let that slide because I know it’s the drinks talking and I know how you really are,” he said firmly. “She takes care of me the way I need to be taken care of, Tee. You better stop that.”

I crossed my arms and rolled my eyes.

As we walked out together I said something to him and I remember him saying, “And what do you think is going to happen tonight?”

“I think you’re going to do the right thing and go home,” I answered sadly.

“You’re right,” he said.

When he drove me back to my car I got out and he also got out to give me a hug.

I looked down at the ground.

“Call me when you get home,” he told me.

I rolled my eyes.

“Call me when you get home. Go get in the car…”

I walked over to my car and hopped in, rolling down the window to feel the breeze on my face as I glided down I95 South.

“D. I made it,” I said as I sat in car, parked in front of my house.

“Good.”

“Am I going to see you again?” I asked.

“No, I’m leaving in the morning, Tee. You go get some rest.”

“Bye D.”

I hung up and got out of my car. I sat on the trunk and lit a Black & Mild, puffing hard and feeling the crazy emotions that came with seeing Donovan again.

I called Tamara even though it was after 4am because I really needed to talk.

“Prince, I just hung out with Donovan…” I told her and recounted the night’s events.

“Aww, Tee that was sweet of him. He made sure to see you before he got married. That shows he cares and he didn’t even try anything. See Tee, there are good men out there,” Prince said.

Yeah, I know….

I know…

A Knock On The Door

I woke up dizzy this morning, recalling last night’s events. I was still a little sad about my long-term crush Donovan getting married so I called to check up on my bestfriend Tamara who was on her way to spend the weekend with her boyfriend in South Carolina.

We chatted for a little bit and I wished her well and hung up. Before I could get back to my computer there was a knock on the door.

“Who is it?” I shouted, grabbing my flip flops.

“It’s the police.” The voice on the other side of the door is strong and deep.

I opened the door and said hello.

“Goodmorning,” he said and smiled at me, shuffling papers in his hand. “I’m looking for Ms. Tee.”

“That’s me.”

“I have something to give you.” He was a Black man who looked to be in his late 30’s or early 40’s and he seemed a bit sad.

“Who’s bothering you?” he asked as he took a few notes on the paperwork.

“Hmm. Probably my BBDD. He always has some trick up his sleeve. What’s that about?”

“I didn’t read it. Is that you?” he asked and showed me a copy of a picture of myself that I gave my son, my BBDD had included it in the service papers.

I laughed, “Yeah, that’s me. I just have a new hairstyle.” I smiled.

He looked at me and frowned. I glanced at the paperwork and said, “Yep, I see he’s filing for child support. I wonder if he’s filing for full custody too.”

The police officer rolled his eyes. “Some men have no clue.”

“Yeah, and it’s even worse because everytime I tried to file for child support when I had the kids, he would try to block it by filing all these motions since he’s an attorney and we never got to court until after I lost my job and he had the children. They dismissed the case. I couldn’t afford an attorney to help me so things just fell through the cracks.”

“He’s an attorney and he’s asking you for child support?”

“Yeah. He knows I live with my parents and I’m a graduate student. He knows I’m still not working. He doesn’t need it, that’s just how he is.” I shrugged.

“Well, let me tell you a story. You probably have one of your own but I’ll share anyway,” he began. “Once when my wife and I were having financial problems, we were up late one night and I was sitting there reading the paper and she was worrying. She looked over at me and got mad at me because she thought I didn’t care. I looked at her and told her that if I had the money, I would pay. Since I don’t, I can’t sit there and worry. Worrying takes away from your life, it doesn’t help the problem at all. So please, don’t worry about this. Don’t hate him either. Just keep on doing the best you can, stay on your knees and give it to God. God always takes care of us.”

“Thank you for saying that,” I told him as he began to walk away.

“Just keep on doing what you know is right.”

I appreciate him for taking the time to talk to me. Since then I have not stressed about it at all. I have my boys for the entire weekend and I have money so I plan to buy them some new shoes and have a great time.

I love spending time with them. They crack me up. They’re so smart.

The other day I went to visit my sister at her boyfriend’s house in Ft. Lauderdale. We went shopping for his birthday and got pedis together. My 7 year-old son went with us because he was supposedly “sick” and couldn’t go to school.

While we ate lunch at KFC, my son saw a sign that said 99 cent plus tax.

“What’s tax?” he asked me.

Hmmm….I thought about it for a moment and then explained.

“Well, do you know what the government is?”

“Yes.”

“It’s the group of people who make the rules and try to fix things in our country. They make us pay taxes because they need to help people who don’t have money and fix things like roads and build schools.”

“OK.”

“So, whenever we buy something we have to pay 7 cents for every dollar. So…if something costs one dollar, how much tax do we have to pay?”

“7 cents.”

“How much is it total that we have to pay?”

“One dollar and 7 cents.”

“What if something costs $2?”

He thought for a minute. “$2.14.”

“What about $3?”

“Hmm..$3.21 because 7 times 3 is 21.”

“You are simply brilliant!” I told him.

He sure is.

I’m not worried. Things always work out the way they are supposed to.

They always do.

Still Wandering Around

I am so happy right now!

I didn’t realize how much pressure I was under when I was working or shall I say..volunteering with that SL media company. It was great work and would have been a welcome challenge had I been getting paid for it, but since I wasn’t I often felt like, “Why the hell am I giving my gift away for free like this?”

So the other night I wanted to go out, but in the back of my mind I kept thinking, “But you have so much work to do for that company. You can’t go out.”

I even considered not spending time with my boys this weekend so that I could catch up on my “volunteer” work.

What a fool!

I ended up resigning from that media company, not because I can’t do the job, but because it’s not paying me and I’m not stressing myself over anything that doesn’t add to my wallet.

I spoke with my friend Curtis about it and as usual he dropped some knowledge on me.

“Tee,” he said. “You take on the responsibility of the company’s success as your own. I bet most of the duties you had weren’t given to you, you gave them to yourself because you can see what needs to be improved, but you have to let that go. You can’t do everything. You stressed yourself out, they didn’t.”

Damn…..He’s right. Whenever I work for a company, I go in and I do my little easy ass assignment and then I’m sitting there and I’m like, “What do I do now?”

Then I start making up all of these plans and strategies on how they could grow their business. If there’s something that I can do myself, I do it, no questions asked. I do way too much work and that usually pisses people off but I do it because…that’s how I am. If I can do something myself, I will. I hate waiting for people to catch up with me and I move FAST!

So the lesson I learned here?

I will not volunteer for shit anymore unless I know it’s something that I will really LOVE. My problem is..if I see someone needs help, my heart won’t let me NOT help them, if I can. I’ve given so many hours of free advice, free writing, free business consultations to people…all because I love to give and they need the help.

I have to prioritize my life. I can’t rush in and save everyone. I’m fucking up with that mentality.

Shit..I don’t know what to do. I want to help people accomplish their dreams but in the midst of doing it for free, I somehow lose myself because I do too much and end up feeling used.

Will there ever be a time where the circumstances will be just right for me to operate creatively and still be able to support myself?

Man…I just want to give my gift, but…I have to eat too.

I feel like a fuck up, I still haven’t found a way to give my gift yet.

Ima figure it out.

On The Inside

I had the most thrilling time on Second Life early this morning. I woke up in the middle of the night after I got a random phone call from one of my friend’s that is in town for Memorial Day Weekend.

I logged on to SL to see if any of my sources had contacted me and I got an IM from a person I met randomly one day.

As we chatted about SL and my experiences we began to reveal details about our real lives. When he asked about the meaning of my real name I told him that my name meant Powerful ruler. I asked him what his real name was and he said, “When I tell you my name you’re going to be shocked.”

“How so?” I asked.

“My name is Sharlene.”

It turns out that this ‘man’ is actually a Black woman. She plays on SL as a white man because she says, “People seem to take me more seriously as a male.”

There’s a lot of this going on in SL. After all, you can be whatever you want to be. I’ve interviewed a white man who says that he wishes he was born Black and plays a Black avatar on SL. I’ve also learned that one of the most successful publications on SL has a Black publisher and she is really a white man in real life. I’m about to publish these interviews on my SL blog as a series on people who change races in SL.

As a researcher and social studies junky, the most intriguing aspect of being on SL for me is finding out why people choose to play and how they spend their time on SL.

I used to spend time with a man who was married in real life. After talking with him I found that he has had several romantic relationships on SL and doesn’t feel bad about them.

I’ve met a man who is disabled in real life and his spirit is so bright. He plays a cat on SL and when I asked him why he said, “It’s just a body. A way to get around.” That made me think of our bodies and appearance in a new light. If the person we are isn’t defined by the ‘carrier’ of our souls, then it shouldn’t matter what we look like.
But it does….

Aching…Aching…

Can I whine for just a minute?

Dayummm….

My body is aching…aching…aching for some physical attention.

What the hell do you do when you have absolutely no one to call to come and rub on you, fondle you and squeeze your booty?

I don’t know man, but I think I’m about to cry.

I really am. I’m not connected to anyone, anywhere. Ain’t nobody checkin for me.

Lemme stop lying…but I don’t like any of them.

~whining~ I want someone I really like, and who likes me and who wants to have secks on a regular basis and who likes to drink/and or smoke and who is incredibly successful and wealthy or maybe just on his way to being that and he doesn’t mind that I don’t cook or clean and he sees me as the superstar that I am and all he wants to do is make me smile like that is his main mission when he is with me or even when he’s not.

DAYUM!

I really need to have secks!

This is a fucked up way to live!

Bitches!

I hate everybody!

This Weave Is Like….

I have so much to say.

This weekend I did pop in on the Memorial Day Weekend crowd on South Beach. We were down there for almost 3 hours, 2 and a half of which I could have gone without but I did meet a few people.

That crowd is for the 25 and under type of kids. I mean, if you’re older than that, cute boys in fast cars don’t appeal to you as much so walking up and down the strip while men grab your arm and try to get your number isn’t that fun.

But it was kinda fun…cuz I hadn’t been touched in a minute. So hearing millions of compliments everywhere I went was actually pretty great.

The best thing about being down there was watching the hairstyles. I know I have this weave up in my head but this is NOT the look I’m going for permanently. The type of men that are attracted to me with this hairstyle are NOT the type of men I would ever be with.

My sons LOVE, LOVE, LOVE me with this hair. I took them out to the store on Saturday and I had my head scarf on, my son came up to me in the store and said, “Mommy, please take that off, I want everyone to see you.” They always asked me to grow out my hair, so for them this is a dream come true.

But seriously, as I watched the parade of hip hop fashion and hair up and down Ocean Drive, my heart was drawn to the natural hairstyles. There’s nothing as beautiful as the variety in colors, textures, dreads and afros. I don’t know, when I’m wearing my hair natural I feel FREE.

Now that I have this weave, I look cute, but I feel like I’m in bondage. I can’t go to the beach whenever I want to. I can’t take a shower without covering my hair up. I can’t sleep without braiding it and wrapping it up. I can’t get caught out in the rain AND it’s way more expensive to maintain, I have to buy the hair for like $65 and then pay someone $65 to put it for me.

This is some bullshit. And I’ve noticed that my attitude has changed, I’m more….ghetto, I guess, rolling my eyes, popping my neck, cursing. Not to mention I’m consistently popping myself in the head because my scalp itches and I can’t get my fingers in there to scratch it.

I think I’ll wear this for another few weeks and then I’m gonna go get my hair twisted to begin my journey with dreads. I’ll share my pics with you as I grow along.