As a future RELATIONSHIP THERAPIST I find that most people are frustrated in their dating process. In a hurry to find THE ONE, they discount the healthy information gathering experiences they encounter along the way.
Why be so glum about the last chick who entered and subsequently exited your life? Your pain is not caused by HER or anything she did. The pain you are experiencing is really caused by your lack of CONTROL over keeping her in your life. Why do you want to keep her so badly? Well, you may be tired of looking and waiting for your ONE. You may believe she was the ONE and you can’t believe that you didn’t make it work or that she would walk away. Your frustration is tied to the insecurity based belief that you can possibly miss out on your ONE.
What if I told you that you could NEVER miss out on your ONE? What if I told you that each experience leading up to meeting your ONE were all interactions that acted as CLUES to be able to recognize your ONE?
So, the first woman I was attracted to, didn’t find me attractive. I could be sad and depressed or I could recognize that… SEEING HER WOKE ME UP TO THE FACT THAT I LIKE WOMEN and I like studs in particular. CLUE #1
So the second girl i met wasn’t really my type. Meeting her provided me with CLUE #2, I do not like femmes like that AND I don’t like women who need to be lifted by recreational drugs and habits all day.
The next girl I met was as sweet as can be. She was a stud. She was hardworking. She took care of me in a way that only my FRIENDS treat me. CLUE #3. My ONE must be someone who is nurturing and sweet to me. She must be hardworking. Although I didn’t like her like that…I am simply following my clues and not trying to HOLD ON..but allowing my feelings to guide me.
So there’s this girl i know who has an awesome personality. Everytime I’m around her I’m smiling and laughing. She’s a stud. She dresses impeccably. She is hardworking. She is a nurturer. She loves to laugh and have a good time. She and I are just friends and have never crossed that line, but she gave me CLUE #4, I like girls who love to look good everyday all day. I love girls with loves of personality and stands out in a crowd.
A few months ago I met a girl who is a stud. She dresses like WHOA. She has an awesome personality. She loves to laugh. She makes me laugh. I feel comfortable talking to her. She understands my personality and doesn’t believe anything is wrong with me. I am calm when i interact with her. I don’t have to be anything other than…me. My body reacts to the site of her. She is also extremely intelligent, well educated, very argumentative and a champion for women’s rights. I learn from her everytime I speak to her. She is awesome in every sense of the word and I feel PROUD to be next to her when I am with her. But…she has a girlfriend. That’s okay. CLUE #5 I like girls who are intelligent and stand up for the rights of others. I like girls who are ambitious and hardworking. I like girls who challenge ME intellectually. BUT…I want someone who is available to me and interested in me.
You see? I could be all sad about all the women I’m meeting who are NOT right for me OR I could enjoy their company while it lasts and pick out the good parts of who they are..adding those to my wish list for my ONE. It’s a failure method to try to force FOREVER on any relationship. You never agonize over whether you and your bestfriend will be together FOREVER. You simply…chill out and be her friend.
That is exactly how you should engage women when you are dating them. Chill out and be a FRIEND. Be open to showing care and concern. Don’t push for things to happen and NEVER try to make someone stay. If you don’t TRY, you’ll find out who wants to stay on their own.
Just a few things I’m learning as I try to be more open to having someone in my life. Next month makes 9 years of me being single and I’m cool with that yet..it would be be able to write about a different experience.
All my best to you in your journey!