My younger son asked me to scratch his back.
That made me smile. When was the last time YOU asked anyone to scratch your back? Its a sign o complete trust and intimacy in spirit. You’re relaxed enough to allow someone else to help you ease your body’s signals. Just like tickling. Even the most ticklish person can’t enjoy the sensation if its being caused by someone they don’t trust.
I’m glad they trust me.
I love them.
It’s like a supernatural type of love. I listen to the stories they share about their home life and I smile. Their Daddy is the type of daddy who cooks a big breakfast on Sunday mornings. He has a dry erase board where they have to write their appointments and practices so they won’t forget. He grills steak and burgers when they watch football. Wow. He’s a model father.
I don’t know. My feelings toward him have changed. It’s not like he treats me much differently. Now that my sons are older and have their own cell phones I don’t speak to him much. But when I hear about the wisdom he shares with them its always on point and I agree. I think, he’s the perfect complement to me.
He has a new girlfriend and she’s very different from HyperChick, his other Baby Mama. This new girlfriend lives with him and my boys love her to pieces. She’s very patient and kind and helps them with their homework. She takes them to doctors appointments and spends time with them too. I hear she used to be a model. Good for him. He always said he wanted a model chick.
She doesn’t seem to have the insecurities that HyperChick had. She’s not trying to replace me as Mom and she doesn’t feel like it’s a tug of war to wear the Crown. I asked my sons if they’ve seen HyperChick lately and they said they haven’t even spoken to her in a long time. This is weird to me because everytime her daughter is over there, my sons put her on the phone so I can speak to her.
Today she asked me, “Who is this?” I laughed. “Who is THIS?” She laughed and dropped the phone. She looks JUST like her mom.
Today was a cool ass day because I decided to do something I’ve been thinking about doing since last year. I have never been the type to flaunt my body because I don’t think I have anything to flaunt. But today, in honor of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week I went downtown in my bikini and walked around in public. I had strangers take pictures of me in my bikini. It was weird yet liberating.
It’s like fuck’em if they don’t like what they see. I know the pu$$y good and the head game so if they want a teenage body, go find one.
Inside I feel this inner strength. It feels like cold steel. I don’t know where it’s coming from but I’m glad its there. I feel like my life is about to change in a major way. Like something BIG is around the corner and I don’t know what it is, yet when I think of it, I don’t fear it.
My fears are slowly subsiding. I’ve been through so much and I always bounce back and I always come back to happiness. Nothing is permanent. Like the old saying goes, “This too shall pass.”
And that’s not just useful for the down times, it should be remembered when the harvests are plentiful too.
This too, shall pass.
So don’t get caught up in the rapture of the blessing thinking you’re invincible. You’re not. You can fall just as easily as you ascended. The key is to learn how to be content no matter what. Funny how remember the other day I wrote about the vision board I made? Well, when my boys came over today they turned to youtube and clicked on some music videos. The very first video showed one of the cars I had cut out of the magazine. And one of the later videos showed the 2nd car. Everything about the to cars was exactly the same as in my pictures, even down to the colors. I was blown away. I figured the Universe was signaling me that my wishes are on my way.
Ehh..I don’t NEED it to happen though. I realized that today. I don’t NEED anything to happen. I feel like a rock in the midst of the stream allowing the water (life) to rush past me. I am unmoved.
I don’t NEED to be a bestselling author to feel peaceful. I don’t NEED to have my boys return to my home for me to feel like I’m a good Mom. I don’t NEED to be a superstar journalist in order to feel validated.
All I really want is to eat good food, whenever I want and to have a stable place to live. Anything extra, compliments of the Universe, is fine with me.
Now, lemme go work on this website and see what else I can create.
Hope you’re feeling like a stone like I am.