So I just got out of my first counseling session with my new counselor. He smiled at me as he opened the door and introduced himself.
After the initial assessment, he placed the note pad on the table and asked, “Now what is it that you’d like to work on?”
I took a deep breathe and said, “My intense fear/hatred/loathing/disgust for men.”
He crossed his legs and sat back.
“This must be a bit alarming to have me as a counselor isn’t it?”
“No. I’m good. Let’s see what happens.”
He’s young. Maybe in his mid 30’s. He’s black. Wire framed glasses. Slim build. Working on his PHD in Counseling.
I gave him some personal history. Told him my objectives.
“I want to be able to encounter a man and not feel threatened by him. I want to know that he has no power over me. I want to be free to love women without feeling like I’m doing it because I am afraid of men. I want to teach others how to do the same.”
We chatted a bit, and I learned from his observations that i am very well capable of intellectualizing the fearful situations that I encounter with men which is a good way of dealing with the issue… However he suggested that I stop analyzing the WHY’S of why men may interact with me in a certain way and instead acknowledge and proccess my own feelings IN that moment.
“What is processing?”
“It’s allowing yourself to FEEL how you want to feel instead of bottling it up for later.”
“I did that last night,” I shared. “I was feeling overwhelmed and I wanted to cry but I saved it for later.”
He smiled. “That’s appropriate in most situations but you are allowed to FEEL while you’re in the moment and you are allowed to NOT know what is causing it. Sometimes we just…don’t know. Sometimes we can’t explain things away and that’s ok.”
I asked for specific techniques based on his educational background and he shared that he is a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, the lot of whom operate under the belief system that our thoughts create our reality and perspective. I’m down with that.
He gave me homework: Write down a list of thoughts you have concerning men. We’ll go through the list and discuss which ones are irrational.
“You do know that all men are not out to attack you?” He asked cautiously.
I rolled my eyes. I raised my eyes from the notepad that I held as i scribbled notes as he spoke and glared at him. My emotions immediately igniting an obvious disgust for him and his contemptuous remark. WHAT THE FUCK IS HE TALKING ABOUT?! YES THEY ARE!
THEY WANNA FUCK! THEY WANT MONEY! THEY WANT TO MAKE SURE I BELIEVE THAT I AM UNLOVEABLE! THEY ARE OUT TO SABOTAGE ME AND KEEP ANYONE ELSE FROM LOVING ME!
But I kept quiet and kept writing. It’s funny that as I am in counseling seeking help for myself, my main focus is to heal so that I can be of service to others by sharing what I learned. I asked him if on a personal note, he thought this was a good idea. I mean, my purpose for wanting to heal…being rooted in my next creative project…ummm….not in just…my desire to enjoy life more freely. Is that healthy?
“Yeah,” he said. “It will work for you.”
Good. I’m not gonna deal with this forever. This is gonna stop affecting me on a daily basis. I’m gonna get rid of this…somehow.