The Inner Mind

I guess you can probably tell I didn’t sleep much last night. So much negativity. So few options. So many hopes. So little evidence. So much hurt. Stagnant faith.

I’m aiight.

Again, I woke up with a body ache. Called over to the restaurant and left a message. I sat in bed for a few hours and then I was so hungry that I had to get up. I ate a bowl of taco soup that Kia made and she must have put the key to life in that pot because after eating that soup, I felt so much better. That soup had beans in it and I don’t usually like beans (or vegetables) but those beans tasted like MEAT. They were so good! And she made a side salad of spinach leaves and grilled chicken. Oh my gosh! I felt like I had some energy. My ankles were still sore but I felt like I would survive. I drank some orange juice and ate some cornbread too. Then ofcourse…I went back to sleep. Until 6pm. Just in time to wake up and sit down to watch Friday on TV.

“What are you doing?” Kia asked me.

“Sitting down. About to watch Friday.”

“What about church?”

“Oh yeah.”

I got up, got dressed and finally went to Joel Osteen’s church. That sanctuary looks like the set of the Grammy’s or something. It’s wild. The greeters and ushers actually shake your hand instead of simply smiling at you. That made me feel weird. The church members do not seem pretentious AT ALL. Everyone seemed to be there to spend quality time with their family, being encouraged in the Lord.

They did their praise and worship and I laughed, remembering how foreign The Rock of Gaines.ville was to me when I was back in college. It was my first time attending the church of a white pastor with their more, um, can’t think of a word, let’s just say…different worship style than those of traditional black churches.

When Joel took the podium I smiled, remembering all of the times I would pass by his church on TV and I’d always have to turn back because he was always dropping knowledge. His smile was the same. His charisma was the same. His Word was simple and encouraging. Very easy to swallow.

After meeting Kia’s friend Monique and calling them gay because they are very affectionate with each other, Kia and I sped home to eat more soup and watch a movie that simply spoke to my inner being, MILLIONS.

I want my sons to see this movie because it has a very important story line, the cinematography is excellent. It’s quite a brilliant film. My heart ached for the younger boy who longed to “be good”. It’s like an urgency to “Do Good Now” before it’s too late. That’s how I feel. Half the time. The other half of the time I’m analyzing things I’ve said or did to try to figure out why I haven’t attained my goals yet.

Most times I am lost in space. I may be one of those weird people (and I say this with a cheerful heart) who everyone kind of excuses because you know they are in their own little world. Yeah…that’s me. But that’s okay. I’m just trying to find a way to give to this world. I want to be used to help improve lives. Yeah…I know, I have to improve mine first. I’m working on it.

Man…this morning I got an early call from Kenya. She’s my friend in New York, in Brooklyn.
The day my Kanye West Cd was found murdered, I texted her and let her know that it was an omen. She texted me back basically laughing at me but I didn’t care. This morning she asked in an excited tone, “Did you get my message?!”

“What message?”

“About Kanye.”

I raised my eyebrow. Please let him be okay.

“What about Kanye?”

“Girl! That morning you texted me about your Kanye CD breaking being an omen…you won’t believe what happened.”

“What happened?”

“I was in the book store that same night and Dave Chapelle was having a book signing and I felt all of these people pushing and pushing and when I turned around, girl, it was Kanye West.”

I screamed.

“For real girl. I was trying to talk to him and tell him about you and try to get his contact information.”

I screamed.

“At least get his autograph.”

I laughed. She is crazy.

See I feel like a Kanye West fan, but maybe I’m more of a Stan because I feel like my creativity is on the same level as his, just not the same type of art. We’re both communicators. We both love God and are brave enough to be ourselves even though people talk so much crap about us. That’s why I love him. He don’t care. He still acts goofy when he wants to, stunts when he wants to and creates when he wants to. Talk about someone living in their own universe. He thinks he’s invincible. I like that. Me too.

Kenya and I continued to chat. I sat there with the phone to my ear, amazed. How could the burden on our hearts and the questions buzzing in our minds be the same thing? I’m not alone in the fact that I’m a creative wonder with more spirit than common sense.

My world exists as an alternate universe to yours, although they may be subsets of each other, my world is distinct. I travel in a ball of brilliant light and color. That’s why I seem to float. That’s why I seem to shine. Look at the light behind India.Arie. You feel that light? You see that energy?

While I’m not all religious anymore I do believe in spirits. Yes, spirits in the “my house is haunted” type of way but that’s not what I focus on. When I say spirit I mean the essence of a person. The light that shines behind their eyes.

If you look closely that light has a color. Sometimes it’s green. Sometimes its yellow. When I look into a person’s eyes and shake their hand and feel their energy I can sometimes tell when things are not right. I feel this charge and my heart aches. When it’s a positive charge I feel peace.

I’m not saying that everyone is stamped positive or negative. I’m just saying the condition of their heart at the moment, is displayed to me when I meet them. I realize that all smiles are not sincere and some handshakes are manufactured.

Most eyes are hopeful though. They look into your eyes and their eyes are searching for a connection. Will you love me? Will you validate my presence with your love? Will we be friends?

Yes. Yes. Yes.

My eyes say YES, every single time.

If you need me I will be your friend. I’m not an easy person to be friends with because I’m spoiled and stubborn and posessive but…other than that, I’m fun to be around. That is…when I’m not pushing you to want more and be more.

This post is getting long because I’m lonely. You must be lonely too if you’ve read this far especially when I’m not talking about anything. I have been learning so many life lessons. I see my growth. It’s crazy. I just think about my boys. They love me. I love them. I don’t want them to lose hope in me. I feel like I’m letting them down. You should have seen them. Their lights shine so brightly! I don’t want to be the reason why they hate or mistrust women.

I don’t want who I am, to affect them in a negative way. You feel me? As parents, we have to be aware of how our personalities shape our children. I’m a bit uptight and my boys are too. When I think about my biological father I cringe because he has so many qualities that I find embarrassing and unfit for a grown man, especially one who can claim to be MY father. The worst part is, the worst part of me, all of those things that I find so ughhhh about myself- well, he has those qualities too. I seemed to get the worst of him.

I appreciate it Mr. Tate.

Oh God, here I am back around to the “Men ain’t never do right by me” speech. That’s getting old as hell. I know I scare the hell out of these Dudes. I’m too intense for the average man.

Anyway…I think I’m tired now. It’s just after midnight and I am so happy to have gotten a few days of real rest. With the exception of Kia wrinkling her nose up at me as I spit and cough, I’ve enjoyed having her around while I’ve been sick.

I can’t let my boys down. They will be proud of their Mama. I just have to figure out which talent I will use first. Something has to break.

What did Joel Osteen encourage us about tonight? Oh yeah… Divine connections. He said there’s no need to force things to happen, God has a Barbarus connection already destined and all you have to do is keep focused on Him.

See? That was very nice and sweet.

I like Joel Osteen.