Going Somewhere

Ahh…

I’m so glad I have God in my life.

I truly know that He is with me. Not just because I want Him to be with me, but because He is taking me somewhere. I feel like he is holding me by my hand and walking with me to a special place. He’s helping me jump over hurdles, resist making too many wrong turns and protecting me along the way.

I think I’m going to go back to Joel Osteen’s church. Ever since I went I couldn’t stop thinking about how freeing it was to sit under some good WORD. It reminded me of a peaceful place. Honestly, my most peaceful times were when I was serving the Lord with all of my heart everyday. I remember a feeling of consistent jubilation. There was an excitement for God and I was truly in love with Him. I’d wake up in the morning thinking about him. Calling on His name. Praying to Him. Thanking Him for another day. It was such a blissful feeling to know that I was loved and selected and gifted for a purpose.

But I don’t want to be stifled by the church so I’m going to remain a visitor for a long time. Church is a choice. No one in this country is forced to go so I’m going to go when I WANT to go and not make a ritual out of it. I’m not really interested in religious practices. For me, right now, a little church and my consistent communication with God is enough.

Have you ever been in that place where you were trying to figure out what you believe? Have you ever even questioned what your Mama or your Pastor told you? Have you ever saught the truth for YOURSELF? Have you ever asked God to reveal Himself to you on a personal level, superceding all of the different religions?

I’m not trying to reject anyone’s religion. I believe religion is important because it teaches you to develop a habit of giving honor to your God. That’s cool. I just think…I want something special with God. Something even deeper than I could experience with any man, more magnificent than the relationships I have with my friends and as joyful as the love I have for my sons.

I want Him to spin me around in His arms in a lush green field of grass. I want Him to whisper in my ear, “Go left, Tee. Go Left.” I want Him to sleep with me every night, teaching me, encouraging me, loving me.

I am so grateful to Him. And look at how I have been dishonoring Him by giving my devotion to men who didn’t give a damn about me when He was right there trying to love me. I’m moving my hands so quickly trying to give God something to work with, that He just paused and looked at me like, “What you think you’re doing?”

I want to focus completely on you. Thank you for giving me discernment, even though I don’t act on it every single time. Thank you for sending your angels to guard me in my zealousness to do your work.

I’m a grown woman now and I want a grown woman relationship with you. Let’s talk. You and me. Let me share my heart with you. Understand my mind. Look me in my eyes, God, and see how deeply I want to do good work for you. I’ve been bopping around and putting my hands in everything and doing a damn good job I might add, (except for those press releases) but I’m ready for a real mission. I can handle it. Give me something to do that will showcase what you’ve given me.

My objective is to be able to take care of my sons with an income that is generated solely by my own efforts with my talents. I’ll never stop trying. I just need a vehicle. I just need a chance to write something. A chance to organize something. A chance to speak. I just want to do well. I don’t like to sit by with my hands tied.

Teach me how to fish.