Daydreams

I met a woman today.

She had long dark hair in two braids just like the girl Wednesday from that old monster sitcom from TV. In fact, her name WAS Wednesday. I thought it was cute.

We were sitting outside of one of my favorite spots and she told me she was here visiting her children, who lived with their Dad.

“How do you deal with being away from your kids?” I asked her.

“It’s hard because I live in California. I try to come here once a month to see them. They’re still young. My oldest is 7 and my youngest is 4.”

“How are they taking it?”

“They are mad at me.Well.. my oldest was mad at me for not being there but now I think she’s better with it and understands that Mommy and Daddy are not together anymore. But my youngest is my son and he is very angry with me. I call them everyday. One day I spoke to my baby and he said, ‘Mommy. I NEED you here with me NOW!’ I just cried and told him, ‘I’m trying. I’m trying. Mommy needs more time to get herself together.’ It broke my heart. But…I’m hoping that when they are a little older they will understand. I’m an artist. Those jobs don’t come with benefits. I try other things but they just don’t work out. This is what I’m good at.”

As she told me this story I couldn’t help but cry. I had the same conversation with my son and felt the same helpless feeling. They don’t understand what TRYING means. They just know that I am not there.

I’m looking all over at other single Moms to see how they handle things. Everyone seems to be doing just fine. Working their little jobs. Meeting their little men. Geting married and stuff.

I don’t know what the fuck is going on with ME.

LOL!

I couldn’t even sleep last night, wondering how things were gonna turn out.

Point blank- I want my sons with me.

On the flip side- I know they need this time with their father.

On the real- I don’t know how I can do this career and still take care of them without having some help. And how can I hire help when I don’t make enough money?

So realisticaly I can’t be a journalist AND take care of my sons by myself.

Realistically, going back to Miami is out of the question unless I become significantly rich in the next couple of months or I decide that I don’t need to operate using my gift and can just take some random office job to pay bills and take care of my sons.

But I have so much more to give than that.

Do I even want to bring my kids to Houston? I don’t even know if I like this city.

So far, the city has been good to me, I must admit. But I still feel like I’m in a strange land alone with no one I can trust or go to for comfort.

Wow.

I think Im just anxious about the whole thing. I can’t allow my impatience to push me to despair. My boys are with their Daddy. They are fine.

I miss them. They miss me. But this isn’t permanent. Somehow. Some way. We’re going to be back together again. And the pieces of the puzzle will fit together magically. My boys will be just fine. Our family will be together again. Their Dad will have easy access to them. I will be able to support us.

It’s going to happen.

My soul can’t wait. Then maybe I can rest. I can’t wait to see them again.

I daydream about them everyday.