Author: TPatterson

The Greatest Gift

I’m okay.

In fact, I’m better than okay. I’m off of antibiotics for my kidney infection so I’m hoping that the side effects will go away soon. I’ve been very tired and irritable and I’ve managed to deal with my sons well even though I feel like I’m too weak to move most days. I’ve lost a lot of weight due to the chronic diarrhea, cha cha cha. I look like a cracked out version of myself.

But that’s okay too.

Today I received a call from my friend Kim’s grandmother. She called just to check up on me since she heard I was sick. She told me how much she loves me and is so glad that I’m friends with her granddaughter because she thinks that I am a positive influence on her and after all the years of knowing all of her friends she believes that I am the best one.

I was speechless. How do you respond to something like that?

Kim and I have one major thing in common, we both like to talk. But Kim has been there for me more times than I would care to mention. I rarely have anything to give her except for a strong word to calm her when she’s being emotional. When she calls me tonight I’m going to really make fun of her, “Dude, your gramma called me today telling me you’re in love with me. I told you I wasn’t interested in you like that. Never will be. You’re too ugly for me.”

She’ll laugh and I’ll laugh and we’ll ease on to another subject but the fact remains we are like family. So many women never experience the sisterhood of friendship and some experience it in a very superficial way because they won’t allow themselves to get too DEEP with another woman out of fear or insecurity or baggage from past relationships.

I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have my friends. These chicks work hard and their accomplishments make me believe that I can do anything. I tell myself often that if a man can’t treat me like my friends do, then he isn’t worth having.

In a way, it’s as if Kim and I are in a long term relationship sans the secks. We speak to each other first thing in the morning. We email during the day and call or chat at night. We never make decisions without consulting each other and we trust that the opinion given will be of our best interest with no hidden agendas or secret sabotage attempts.

We pray on the phone together and share scriptures to affirm our beliefs that God will have His way in our lives. We both want to be philanthropists and activists and we have a heart for helping women grow and learn to love themselves and others.

And she’s not the only friend who loves me like that. I am so grateful that God would give me good friends. I’m so grateful that although I am sick right now I am not battling much worse ailments.

I weep for Juli and her son Curtis who is having problems with his kidney. I feel guilty because I complain and I cry about not having my dream career yet both of my sons are healthy and happy. I am healthy and maintaining through this storm. Imagine if we lived in another country, any country, say one of the countries in the middle east. Imagine what life would be like for us. My biggest concern wouldn’t be which magazine or publishing house rejected me. It would be wondering if we would live another day.

I wouldn’t care about some man who left me years ago if I was in Africa, I would be trying to keep my family alive.

As much shit as we talk about living in America and how messed up Bush is and how he is ruining the country, Bush is just the figurehead. Blaming him is like blaming Barbie for the sad, superficial ideal of beauty she has placed on women in America. There are silent powers at work with money and a master plan.

We are blessed to live in this country. We are blessed to have the freedom to speak out against our leaders. We are blessed to “suffer” like we do, complaining in unemployment lines as we receive our welfare. Things could be so much worse.

I realized today that although my bank account is on ‘E’, my gas tank reads the same and no man has ever shown me the same love and devotion that I have shown them, I am so rich.

I am rich because my two sons call me Mama and fight over who gets to sit in my lap everyday. There are women out there who pray nightly for a chance to conceive.

I am rich because I have already overcome obstacles that seemed impossible. There are women out there who have given up.

I am rich because I am surrounded by great women (and a couple of men) who believe in me and won’t allow me to forget my dreams.

I am so rich.

ANd I love you Lord.

This life you have given me, although riddled with potholes and potty breaks has been one helluva journey so far but you’ve gotten me this far and I know you won’t desert me.

THANK YOU LORD!

THANK YOU LORD!

I never pretend to be perfect or to have all the answers or all the advice. I’m just growing, you know. And I stay hopeful. And I try to put out the same energy that I want to receive. And I laugh with the same gusto in which I cry and I hope with the force of hurricane winds.

I am alive dammit.

I am alive.

For that I’m grateful and I am thankful to God for taking the time to breathe the breath of life into my lungs 27 years ago. He didn’t have to. He didn’t have to wake me up this morning. But He chose to and I am gonna spend every day thanking Him even when I feel like I don’t deserve it.

Like I said in the beginning, I am okay.

No matter what is going on in your life.

YOU ARE OKAY TOO.

Be grateful to Him who supplies all of your needs according to His riches and glory.

Your life is a gift. Don’t take it for granted.

You Bring Me Joy

Everytime I hear your voice
Everytime I see your face
Everytime I think of you
You bring me joy

Misunderstood
Sometimes up to no good
Even though you ain’t hood
You got the shit that shook

Not even a Stan
Even less of a fan
No traveling to foreign lands
To see you do your silly dance

Still I appreciate you
Flowing through my cable
All up in my mental stable
Telling me I can

Everytime I hear your voice
Everytime I see your face
Everytime I think of you
You bring me joy

God Put It On My Heart

Oh really?

“You’ve been praying about God leading you haven’t you?” the founder of the women’s magazine asked me during our first interview.

I nodded my head as my gaze shifted to the window. Although this seems like the opportunity of a lifetime, something just doesn’t feel right about this.

“I think God led you here. I have been praying too,” she said and squinted her eyes. “I’m almost tearing up because of His goodness.”

We all know what happened with that job. Apparently God forgot to tell her that I needed to be paid for my services.

“How did you find out about this company?” the president asked me during my interview for the position at the PR firm back in February.

“My former Pastor found the company online and told me about it and I decided I’d check it out.”

She shook her head in amazement. “That’s God,” she told me. “This is sooo God.”

Fast forward to 2 months later….

“Um, I thought God sent me here,” I said to her after she explained why she was letting me go. “I wonder why He would do that.”

She rustled a few papers on her desk and spoke. “Maybe He wanted you to see that there are many different types of writing and maybe you should be a little more open to doing other things.”

“Hey, I tried my best. I know I have skills, this just isn’t one of them.”

“You know God put it on my heart that you should come live with me,” she told me with a serious expression.

Huh? “Why would I do that?”

“What’s going to happen when you can’t afford to keep your place? How could you put your boys through that?”

“Wait a minute, that hasn’t happened yet and I’m not gonna even worry about it until it does happen.”

She shakes her head sadly as if to say ‘poor baby’.

But I know that her offer for me and my sons to move in with her isn’t strictly to bless ME. She needs my money to move into her new place. Without my contribution, she and her boyfriend don’t have enough to cover the move in costs.

“Why would you continue to struggle paying your bills late and paying such high rent when you can come live with us and we can split it? You can have your own room.”

Me and my two sons living in one room?

My life hasn’t gotten that bad yet. I don’t understand why she would even suggest that.

~scratches head~

Yes I do.

She’s trying to manipulate me by using God.

~sigh~

Once again, I’m assumed to be a duck who doesn’t have any brains or relationship with God of my own.

I really wish people would stop using God as a tool to get what they want from others. I had enough of that at my old church. If you want to please God, be obedient to us.

God, I know that I have a desire to please others and be a blessing. Sometimes I take it too far even when I know the person doesn’t appreciate my actions. I only do this because I want to show unconditional love. I know they see me as weak because I just want to help. Please protect me from the wolves who come to milk me for my time, energy and love for their own selfish agenda.

I don’t know why you made me like this Lord, but…one day I hope that the right person or company comes along and they really appreciate my heart instead of seeing me as a patsy they can abuse.

Check Your Heart

When I was younger I had a problem with going off on people. I learned a negative communication style from my household and it carried over into my own personality.

As a young adult I promised myself that I would get a grip on this yelling and screaming and telling people off. Ask anyone around me and they’ll tell you, I have seriously changed my ways. But it took a consistent effort on my part to calm down when I am angry and I had to sometimes “lose” a fight in order to win.

“It’s not what you say it’s how you say it,” people would always say to me. I realized that I was saying things IN TRUTH but not IN LOVE. No one wants to hear you pass judgement on them, even if you are right. No one wants to be berated or belittled because you need to make your point known.

Saying things IN LOVE means offering a word of correction in a way that the person will take it as a word of encouragement.

Sometimes it is as simple as checking your motives before you open your mouth.

Check your heart. If you find yourself constantly analyzing someone’s life and finding that they are always messing up, then maybe you have too much time on your hands. Why would you sit there and analyze someone else’s life? How does that benefit you or your household?

Check your heart. If you are prone to “tell a bitch off” because they need to hear the truth then maybe you aren’t as mature as you think you are. Only children say whatever comes to their minds. Grown ups think of the consequences and weigh whether or not their words will be received in the best possible way. Or maybe you don’t care. Maybe you just want to feel like you are superior to the other person involved and giving them a good tongue lashing would satisfy your ego which means your words aren’t really for their benefit.

Check your heart. Gossip is for bored old ladies. Why would you care if Tangela and her man had a fight last night? If Tangela confided in you that means she trusts you and looked to you for support. Don’t abuse her trust by going over all the details of her mishap with all of your friends. What’s the point? How does that help her? But it sure feels good to look at her and think, “I would never put up with that!” Maybe not, but you put up with other things don’t you? And if you don’t, then hooray for you, have a heart and pray for your sister to grow in the area where she falls weak.

Before I consider a person to be my friend, I take into regard how they speak of their other friends. Are they always gossiping about how none of them can get their lives together? Are they always lieing to them and laughing at their misfortune?

I can’t get down with someone like that. I speak well of my friends and I expect them to speak well of me, even during my misfortune.

“I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everybody.”- Benjamin Franklin

Which brings me to my final point. Have you ever met someone who says, “I can fit in with any crowd. I’m versatile. I’m liked by everyone.” And you see that this is true. At work they can hang with anyone reagardless of age or status. They can hang in the streets with the rough crowd. They can be the Pastor’s best friend at church and everyone genuinely loves them.

BEWARE!

How many personalities do you have to have to fit in with EVERYONE? Is this person ever truly being themselves or are they changing their personality to reflect whoever is around them? What kind of a life is that?

As much as I cringe when I don’t fit in and as much as I’d like to find my place in this world, I’m content knowing that I am ME regardless of who is around and I don’t compromise my speech patterns, likes and dislikes to suit everyone else’s preferences.

I am grateful for my friends because I can’t offer anything but a warm conversation. And everyday, we seek each other out, just to brighten each other’s day.

“A friend to all is a friend to none.”- Aristotle

This Is My Real Life

I woke up this morning and smiled to myself, ready to share my good news with my friends.

I was now celebrating 24 hours of no diarrhea which may sound comical but when you’ve been running to the bathroom every half hour for 11 days straight it is nothing short of a miracle.

I even went back to Urgent Care on Friday because of the cramps associated with my problem. I sat in the waiting room for 5 hours before they saw me and was immediately hooked up to an IV to aid in the rehydration of my body. I was then told that the antibiotics, (Cipro) they gave me to treat my kidney infection may have caused an infection in my colon hence the leaky bowels.

“Here is another prescription for antibiotics,” the doc told me. “These should help.”

Yeah right. Just like the last ones helped so much. I can’t afford them anyway so I’ll have to suffer until I come up.

I left for home feeling relieved that they didn’t admit me into the hospital again but angry that there wasn’t a cure for my problem. I can’t even go anywhere without having a cramp followed by the urgent need to go to the potty. Imagine me and my boys in the grocery store last week.

Me: ~running to the bathroom clutching my belly~ Come on boys!!!!!!!!

It’s embarrassing and damaging to my spirit. I’ve been trying so many different home remedies and most work the first time I try them but are useless during the second application.

Can I confess that I don’t know what I am doing wrong in my life to keep going through things like this. I considered changing my blog name to Hard Times in Miami, but decided against it since words are prophetic.

But a few hours after my happy dance this morning, I walked sadly back into my second home. The diarrhea came back. ~crying~

I look like skeletor. Like a broke down baldheaded crack fiend with no friends or relatives who give a damn. ~smile~

I’m crazy. I know. But I’m just tired ya’ll. So tired all the time. And I’m still chasing after these boys everyday and I can barely keep up with their appetites. I started hiding from my friends after my cell phone was disconnected. I’m tired of answering the question, “Have you found a job yet?”

Ohh, the peanut gallery would love to see me like this I’m sure.

I met my bills for this month (well the ones that haven’t been canceled already) and I’m on pins and needles about next month.

I wish I could change who I am and be more like all of you who know how to keep it together.

All day long in between cramps I look for jobs online and analyze my life. I criticize my words, actions and character searching for some evidence of wrong doing or some guidance on how to do right.

A more savvy person would know how to make those work situations go more smoothly. A more seasoned individual would have been able to handle people better. All of my life I have been treated as special and maybe that is my problem. The real world doesn’t work like that. You’ve got to play the game well to win.

And I’m unskilled at the game. I’m not good at ANY type of game. Maybe that’s the problem. You think having a good heart and talent and drive will get you where you want to go. I’m not seeing that in my life.

I’m missing something.

Fuck.

Sometimes I don’t wanna write on this blog. You think I like the fact that you all sit in judgement of me?

This is merely entertainment for you. This is my real life.

I started this blog as a fun way to catalogue my adventures after college and now…

Now…blogging has become a lifestyle for me.

Even though I wish it wasn’t.

I wish I could tell funny stories and make fun of people and dispense my all knowing wisdom about political topics and shit but I can’t.

Man…

I’ve been on one other interview since I started this job hunt. It was last week. I almost couldn’t go because I didn’t have anyone to watch my boys for me but at the last minute I found someone. Then there was the little problem of my chronic trips to the bathroom. I drank a couple teaspoons of apple cider vinegar (THANKS BUNNY!) and it stopped my problem for a little while so I could go.

The interview was straight but it was a group interview. About 15 people showed up for a job as a Community Relations Coordinator of a company. You know, making up programs to get the name of the company out there, giving presentations about the services and generally meeting people and telling them why the company is great.

Sounds perfect for me or so I thought. During the interview we were all asked to stand and tell the recruiter why we were the best person for the job. Everyone was so professional and impressive. I was more laid back because that is the type of speaker I am.

“Hi, I’m Ms. Tee and I’m a Cancer….” I began. They all laughed.

The next question we had to answer was a bit more tricky.

If you had to choose one person in this room to work with based on their introductions, who would you choose and why?

We each stood and answered. The question was a bit odd to me. I just chose a chick based on the fact that we had a little side conversation during the break. No biggie.

But what happened next astounded me.

Of the 15 people there, more than half chose ME.

They called me “inspirational” and “real”. They all said when I spoke they felt my heart and the words I spoke made them feel like they could do anything. After the interview was over a few of them came over to meet me and exchange information.

I felt like a star as they called me blessed and shook my hand before leaving.

I know what I’m good at. I’m a writer and I’m a speaker. But somehow I have to become good at something else or my kids and I will end up on the streets.

Today I received my final letter from the group of publishing houses that I submitted my book idea to. “We regret to inform you….”

It’s always darkest before the dawn.

There’s no testimony without a test.

You have to crawl before you walk.

yadda yadda yadda. I’ve heard them all.

But…regardless of how bleak things seem, I just can’t let go of what I know I can do in this world if I was just given a chance and some guidance.

What was it that Teleza said? Good things DO happen to good people.

Well, I’m banking on it.

Lord, if I’m not handed a blessing, then at least teach me a lesson so that I can move forward, wiser than I was in the past.

I’m teachable and hungry. Show me the way.

I used to think that my role in this world was to be pretty, soft, sweet and to use my gift to encourage others to greatness. Now I understand that my gift should be used to educate as well. My lack of confidence in my ability to understand political and world issues should not be an excuse to remain ignorant. If you are like I was and side stepped important issues of the day simply because you didn’t want the burden of forming an opinion and possibly having your fantasy life bubble burst, please consider that an uneducated citizen is a danger to himself. Ignoring a problem does not make it go away. I take every news report and political movie with a grain of salt because everyone has an agenda however, we should all be concerned enough to at least form an opinion and arm ourselves with knowledge, whether we can divulge if it is tainted or not. In other words, don’t be a dummy. Watch the news every once in a while. Even if you feel powerless, it’s best to know what you are up against. Here is a promo for a movie coming soon to theaters with information concerning the rape of America by the American Internal Revenue Service, the American Government and other little assorted tidbits. Very informative.

Any Suggestions

Apple Cider Vinegar or Pepto Bismol?

I only have one chance to make the right decision. My 2nd interview for this job is a few hours away and I don’t think combining both medications to temporarily relieve me of my ~cough~ complication would be a good idea.

I take a deep breath. I’ll go with the vinegar.

I fill the medicine cup measuring 2 teaspoons and drink it down in a hurry. I then gulp down a half cup of water to rinse my mouth.

I hope it works.

I dress my sons and then myself. For the first time in weeks I feel pretty. I’m on my way to a last minute job interview for the Community Relations Coordinator position. I shouldn’t even be going but when I didn’t hear back from them I followed up with a phone call and the Director asked me to come in right away.

“Well, I really had chosen someone else for the position, but since you called you kinda threw a wrench in my plans. Come by and we’ll talk about the position a little further.”

Sounds great. Only….

I still have my medical condition which prevents me from taking long trips outside of my house and I am at home with my sons since their father took them out of summer camp in exchange for giving me $280. I went through hell trying to find a babysitter but I finally found one.

The sky is a dark gray so I pull on one of my favorite sweaters and head over to drop my boys off. I then take the half hour drive to the company located in Pembroke Pines.

I chat a bit with the receptionist and the Director comes out to greet me. We walk back to his office and he tells me he doesn’t have a lot of time so he’ll get straight to the point.

“On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your ability to speak in front of an audience?”

It’s difficult to hide my smirk as I reply, “10.”

“We have a training class on the 27th of June in Orlando for two days, would you have a problem making it?”

“No problem. I’m sure I could arrange something for my sons with enough notice.”

“I must say that you are exactly what we are looking for, but the main concern is your ability to be available to work by 7am. Is that still a problem?”

“Yes. Like I said, my son’s schools don’t even open until 7:30 and I live more than a half hour away from here.”

He leans back in his chair and frowns.

“I’m trying my best to work with you. I believe you are the best person for the job and obviously everyone else did too,” he smiles.

I laugh. “Yeah, that first interview was kinda funny. It reminded me of highschool. Who is the most popular girl?”

He laughs, “Most Likely to Get the Job, you mean.”

I laugh.

“Man,” he says. “You don’t have any support, Ms. Tee?”

I shake my head.

“No one can pick the boys up for you and take them to school?”

“No, not everyday. I don’t have anyone stable like that in my life.”

“It must be difficult for you to find employment with no support. I’m telling you, as a single Mom you are exactly the type of person needed in the position because you could be someone who shares her life story and encourages others that they too can succeed.”

“That’s my goal in life.”

He sighs and looks at me. “Are those your real eyes?”

“Sure are,” I reply with a smile.

“Simply amazing. I’ve never seen anything like that before.”

Yeahhh….

“So I know we discussed a starting salary, but I can raise it a bit for you. I think you’d be great for this I really do.”

“Well, maybe I could move closer to here. How’s the real estate in this area? Miami is very expensive to live in and it would be nice to have a break.”

“Pembroke Pines isn’t much better than Miami. You could try Miramar which is right down the street but I don’t have any suggestions. Wow. The fact that you are willing to move really shows me that you don’t have anyone to help you.”

I shake my head.

“What are you going to do?” he asks sounding concerned.

“Keep trying. Something will happen. Things are a little more difficult for me because I’m a speaker and a writer and most companies need people to do accounting work, book keeping and data entry. My best skills aren’t highly sought after.”

“We need a speaker. We really need a quality speaker.” he sighs. “You are making this very difficult. The CRC position starts their day early but finishes early. If you have to make a presentation at a school you’d need to be there by first period and that starts shortly after 7am.”

I bite my lip.

“Why don’t you take some time to think about a solution,” he asks me. “If you can come up with any way to guarantee you will be at work by 7am then we have a deal. If not, call me by tonight anyway to let me know so that I can move forward.”

“I understand,” I say and smile.

We both stand up and he walks me to the door.

“My Mom raised 4 kids by herself,” he tells me. “I understand your need to succeed.”

I nod and walk out of the door.

I pick my boys up and we go home just in time for my “illness” to catch up with me.

I call my Mama to tell her what happened. “Oh well,” she says.

I email my friends to ask their opinion and to gather suggestions. No one has anything that I could do TODAY to be able to give an answer.

I’m sitting here in my dress shirt and underwear. My makeup is still fresh. I’m still wearing my earrings. B says to have faith. My body says take a nap.

The BEFORE CARE program at my son’s school opens at 7am which is still not enough time for me to drive the half hour plus ride to Pembroke Pines. Plus, my boys attend different schools.

If I don’t come up with a solution, I will have to turn the job down.

Hmm…. I don’t know what I will do. Just two weeks before my expensive rent is due again.

Thanks for your help

I couldn’t find a relative, friend or anyone to help me. Believe it or not, I’m pretty much anti social so I have never made friends with any of the other Moms in my kid’s classes. I take the boys to birthday parties but I’m not a part of the gossip circle or social scene at the school. I’m open to conversation but it’s pretty tough to befriend me. I felt bad about this for a while but then I thought…hell…if I don’t accept myself no one will.

I’m kind of annoyed because during the first interview I told him that those hours weren’t workable for me since I live in another city. He assured me that it wasn’t that big of a deal. Today he told me that the checked with his regional director and he was told that those early hours are very important.

It wasn’t a good match from the beginning. It seemed like a great opportunity though but I refuse to believe it was my last.

My Mama got on me again tonight reminding me that it’s no longer about me and my desires for a career, it’s about my kids. It’s their world. My schedule/desires should revolve around whatever it will take to take care of them. Basically she rebuked me for taking risks when I have children to think about. “You should have never left that school,” she told me. “I stayed at my job for 20 years because of you. I did what I had to do.”

I’m not above doing what I have to do. I just don’t know what that is. I don’t want to start a job where I feel I will be unsuccessful. I want to give superior service. I want to be all I can be. LOL!

It’s time to choose a new career. I don’t want to let go of my hope of writing and speaking full time, but I don’t want to deal with the pressure associated with these creative jobs.

I don’t know what I’d be good at. Definately not physical labor. I enjoy customer service. Maybe even sales. I don’t know. Sales sounds depressing though. See, I don’t know. How do ya’ll find ya’ll career if it’s not anything you ever considered doing? Why do I feel like it’s the end of the world?

I don’t know. I guess it all starts with getting a return phone call after my resume is sent.

I guess I have been lucky (?) so far that no one has called me. There’s no way I could work while I am sick like this.

Back to square one.

Still looking and hoping and praying and loving on my sons.

I’m trying to stay positive but honestly, my friends call me up and freak me out because they are worried for me. ~sigh~

Damn…I’m hungry.

K.I.S.S. guide to the
Unrest in the Middle East
Part I

In an effort to understand the multitude of news reports and information being offered by the media, I did what most politically confused people do, I asked a friend to explain it to me in the most simple way possible.

My friend is a 27 year old Naval Intelligence Officer with a BA in political science. His passion is world affairs and he is studying to take the LSAT this year.

I hope this enlightens someone. It sure helped me!

Tee says:
Hey, I’ve been seeing a lot of snippets of news reports about a lot of fighting going on in the Middle East. What is happening over there?

ZoeBoy says:
It’s just a little blood letting on the part of Israel.The fighting intially was over the capture of a single Israeli soldier by the Palestinian militia group called Hammas. Israel began precision attacks on the roads and bridges and communication networks to keep the militia from smuggling out the captured soldier.

ZoeBoy says:
Shortly thereafter, the Lebanese militia group, called Hesbolla, to the north of Israel decided to attack Israel. They managed to kill a hand full of soldiers and take two hostages.

Tee says:
Why did they capture the soldier?

ZoeBoy says:
Hammas (Palestinians) kidnapped the soldier as leverage to negotiate the release of women and teenagers being held in Israeli prisons.

Tee says:
Is Hammas a political group? Or a gang or something?

ZoeBoy says:
Good question…Hammas is two fronts: the political wing, and the military wing.

ZoeBoy says:
The United States, as well as the other western countries, consider Hammas a terrorist organization. but it’s Ironic…the Palestinians recently held free elections and the election was monitered by the UN and the people voted in great numbers to establish a Hammas gov’t.

Tee says:
Ok so.. back to the fighting

ZoeBoy says:
ok

Tee says:
So now they have the captured soldier. The Israeli’s are upset. Is that why they started bombing?

ZoeBoy says:
Yes. To keep the Hammas group from smuggling the soldier outside of Gaza (a city in the Palestinian terroritory)

Tee says:
Huh? So they would rather kill the soldier than allow him to be smuggled? Are they aiming bombs at the smugglers or the regular citizens?

ZoeBoy says:
They have no idea where the soldier is being kept, or more importantly, if he’s even alive. What they do or did know, is that he was still in the city. So the plan was to take out the major roads, bridges and sidewalks if they had to, to keep Hammas pinned.

Tee says:
Wow.

Tee says:
So why is everyone talking WWIII talk? How could this turn into a World War?

ZoeBoy says:
That is a very extreme future to this conflict, nevertheless, scary enough to talk about. What can happen is the calling of all Islamic states to come in defense of their muslim brothers in Lebanon and in the Palestinian territory. By doing this Israel would have no choice but to call in it’s ally—the United States. The US versus the middle east…WWIII

Tee says:
Wow. Thanks Z. Will we chat again soon?

ZoeBoy:
Anytime.

Sleepless in Miami

I can’t sleep at night (Can’t sleep at night)
And I wonder why (I wonder why)
Maybe God is… trying to tell me something

My nights are restless lately. Plenty of time to sit and plot. No resolutions come just…analyzations of my past.

My soon-to-be 1st grader was just enrolled into the gifted program. I must have kissed him a million times and I even took all my change and bought he and his brother chicken sandwhiches from Wendy’s as a treat.

A pure blessing from heaven, I was able to buy my 3rd round of antibiotics to fix the damage the 2nd round did to my colon. After just one pill I felt better.

Whatever it is that antibiotics do, worked very well and ~knock on wood~ I haven’t had any diarrhea since this afternoon. If this med sticks then I can officially say that my 16 day rumble with my colon is over.

I don’t sleep well at night lately. As you have probably guessed I have a lot on my mind.

It was the weirdest thing. Today I broke out in this weird rash. I don’t know, they looked like red, raised bumps. I was itching all over my arms and calves and my torso. The discomfort went away and came back a couple of hours ago but I tell you, all of this craziness has me worried so much.

Ofcourse I had to go look around the net to see if I was gonna die and I found that I must be experiencing HIVES. They look just like the pictures. I haven’t eaten anything funny in the past few days and the hives started BEFORE I took my new medicine.

My Mama says I’m stressed. I say, “I can’t wait for this to be all over.”

My prayer is for good health for myself and my sons and the opportunity to be a light to my boys. It feels as though all the chips are stacked against me.

Lord, please forgive me if all of the is caused by something I did or didn’t do. If you were to speak to me I would listen. If you were to tell me what to do, I’d do it. I just want to be a good mother and friend. I won’t mess up again if you would just…you know…guide me. I don’t know what to do.

My most powerful hope is to be a woman that my boys can respect and admire in turn allowing them to respect and admire other women.

I feel like I’m under a microscope when it comes to my sons. I’m always afraid to make the wrong move and ultimately mess up their personalities in the future. I know so many men who hate their mothers and can’t form healthy relationships with women.

I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time with my sons. Things are more difficult because I don’t have anyone to share in the decision making. It would be great if I had someone to ease some of the pressure or to affirm me, but…I’ll deal with what I have for now. I tell ya, a little affirmation could go a long way.

Now I see why good fathers remind their children to thank their mother for everything. ~smile~ We NEED to hear it.