This Is My Real Life

I woke up this morning and smiled to myself, ready to share my good news with my friends.

I was now celebrating 24 hours of no diarrhea which may sound comical but when you’ve been running to the bathroom every half hour for 11 days straight it is nothing short of a miracle.

I even went back to Urgent Care on Friday because of the cramps associated with my problem. I sat in the waiting room for 5 hours before they saw me and was immediately hooked up to an IV to aid in the rehydration of my body. I was then told that the antibiotics, (Cipro) they gave me to treat my kidney infection may have caused an infection in my colon hence the leaky bowels.

“Here is another prescription for antibiotics,” the doc told me. “These should help.”

Yeah right. Just like the last ones helped so much. I can’t afford them anyway so I’ll have to suffer until I come up.

I left for home feeling relieved that they didn’t admit me into the hospital again but angry that there wasn’t a cure for my problem. I can’t even go anywhere without having a cramp followed by the urgent need to go to the potty. Imagine me and my boys in the grocery store last week.

Me: ~running to the bathroom clutching my belly~ Come on boys!!!!!!!!

It’s embarrassing and damaging to my spirit. I’ve been trying so many different home remedies and most work the first time I try them but are useless during the second application.

Can I confess that I don’t know what I am doing wrong in my life to keep going through things like this. I considered changing my blog name to Hard Times in Miami, but decided against it since words are prophetic.

But a few hours after my happy dance this morning, I walked sadly back into my second home. The diarrhea came back. ~crying~

I look like skeletor. Like a broke down baldheaded crack fiend with no friends or relatives who give a damn. ~smile~

I’m crazy. I know. But I’m just tired ya’ll. So tired all the time. And I’m still chasing after these boys everyday and I can barely keep up with their appetites. I started hiding from my friends after my cell phone was disconnected. I’m tired of answering the question, “Have you found a job yet?”

Ohh, the peanut gallery would love to see me like this I’m sure.

I met my bills for this month (well the ones that haven’t been canceled already) and I’m on pins and needles about next month.

I wish I could change who I am and be more like all of you who know how to keep it together.

All day long in between cramps I look for jobs online and analyze my life. I criticize my words, actions and character searching for some evidence of wrong doing or some guidance on how to do right.

A more savvy person would know how to make those work situations go more smoothly. A more seasoned individual would have been able to handle people better. All of my life I have been treated as special and maybe that is my problem. The real world doesn’t work like that. You’ve got to play the game well to win.

And I’m unskilled at the game. I’m not good at ANY type of game. Maybe that’s the problem. You think having a good heart and talent and drive will get you where you want to go. I’m not seeing that in my life.

I’m missing something.

Fuck.

Sometimes I don’t wanna write on this blog. You think I like the fact that you all sit in judgement of me?

This is merely entertainment for you. This is my real life.

I started this blog as a fun way to catalogue my adventures after college and now…

Now…blogging has become a lifestyle for me.

Even though I wish it wasn’t.

I wish I could tell funny stories and make fun of people and dispense my all knowing wisdom about political topics and shit but I can’t.

Man…

I’ve been on one other interview since I started this job hunt. It was last week. I almost couldn’t go because I didn’t have anyone to watch my boys for me but at the last minute I found someone. Then there was the little problem of my chronic trips to the bathroom. I drank a couple teaspoons of apple cider vinegar (THANKS BUNNY!) and it stopped my problem for a little while so I could go.

The interview was straight but it was a group interview. About 15 people showed up for a job as a Community Relations Coordinator of a company. You know, making up programs to get the name of the company out there, giving presentations about the services and generally meeting people and telling them why the company is great.

Sounds perfect for me or so I thought. During the interview we were all asked to stand and tell the recruiter why we were the best person for the job. Everyone was so professional and impressive. I was more laid back because that is the type of speaker I am.

“Hi, I’m Ms. Tee and I’m a Cancer….” I began. They all laughed.

The next question we had to answer was a bit more tricky.

If you had to choose one person in this room to work with based on their introductions, who would you choose and why?

We each stood and answered. The question was a bit odd to me. I just chose a chick based on the fact that we had a little side conversation during the break. No biggie.

But what happened next astounded me.

Of the 15 people there, more than half chose ME.

They called me “inspirational” and “real”. They all said when I spoke they felt my heart and the words I spoke made them feel like they could do anything. After the interview was over a few of them came over to meet me and exchange information.

I felt like a star as they called me blessed and shook my hand before leaving.

I know what I’m good at. I’m a writer and I’m a speaker. But somehow I have to become good at something else or my kids and I will end up on the streets.

Today I received my final letter from the group of publishing houses that I submitted my book idea to. “We regret to inform you….”

It’s always darkest before the dawn.

There’s no testimony without a test.

You have to crawl before you walk.

yadda yadda yadda. I’ve heard them all.

But…regardless of how bleak things seem, I just can’t let go of what I know I can do in this world if I was just given a chance and some guidance.

What was it that Teleza said? Good things DO happen to good people.

Well, I’m banking on it.

Lord, if I’m not handed a blessing, then at least teach me a lesson so that I can move forward, wiser than I was in the past.

I’m teachable and hungry. Show me the way.