Author: TPatterson

He Irks Me

So I get a call from my biological father on Friday night.

“Hey Tee, I’m in the area. I want to know if I can stop by.”

I hesitate. Then think to myself, Just do it, get it over with. “Sure.” I say to him. “Stop by.”

I put on some clothes and wait for him. Once again I feel obligated to entertain him. This man gets on my last nerve. ~rolls eyes~ He disgusts me actually.

He knocks on my door and I let him in. It’s his first time visiting me in my new place. I show him around and he tells me he loves my spot and compliments me on my decorating skills. We then sit down in the living room. I sit on the love seat, he’s on the couch.

He starts by reminiscing about when I was younger. He always does this. This infuriates me. This man was NOT a part of my life until I turned 23 years old and he wants to act like we have memories together.

“I remember when you were in middle school, you won this award. I was so proud.” he says. “I had people watching you. I was making sure you were okay. I used to ask your aunties for pictures of you. I would pay up to $50 for a picture.”

He’s acting like this was something to be proud of.

“So basically, you were my first fan. Admiring me from afar, right?” I challenge him and roll my eyes.

“Regardless of what happened I always loved you. You were in my heart.” he responds.

“WhatEVER! Dude, you were a grown man! If you wanted to be a part of your child’s life, you could have!”

“It wasn’t that easy. YOUR MAMA…”

I roll my eyes. This dude is SUCH a punk. He’s always talking about how my Mama would curse him out and threaten him. This dude was SCARED of my Mama! Ughhh…

“Look, my Mama was a LITTLE GIRL when you got her pregnant. You were the grown MARRIED man with 3 kids already. If you can start businesses then you can figure out how to go to court to win the right to see your child!”

We go back and forth a little bit. He’s trying to explain why he wasn’t around. “Your Mama doesn’t play Tee. I wouldn’t want to go up against her.” I’m telling him he’s weak for being scared of a WOMAN. He’s pissing me off. Then he actually says, “So you wanna go out to dinner or what, Tee?”

“NO!” I reply quickly. And then we sit in silence. But my thoughts are hot like fire! First of all DUDE, Why the hell would I want to step out the door with you? Look at you! You look like shit. You come over here with a dirty ass shirt on, wrinkled jeans and those shoes- you need to throw them shits away! Oh my GOD! Why would someone who is genetically linked to me be such a MESS?! Ughh. I would NEVER introduce you to ANYONE I know unless I had to. In fact, my own children don’t even know who you are. You disgust me on the highest level. You child molesting, running away from your responsibilities, yucky, stupid man. Ughh! I don’t see how anyone ever laid up with you.

I wish I could get my Mama to come cuss you out one good time and then maybe you’ll leave me alone since you have always been so afraid of her. ~shivers~

“I always believed things would turn out how they were supposed to. You’re doing well for yourself, Tee.”

“I sure am. Yeah, Maybe it was a good thing you weren’t in my life. Who knows what kind of a NUT I would have been if I had actually KNOWN you.”

I then asked him to leave me some money so I can order me something to eat because I was hungry. He did and he asked me AGAIN if we could get together sometime. He wants to know my sons.

“Sure.” I lie. Yeah-fucking-right.

After meeting his nasty ass TWO of my girlfriends have told me that they feel uncomfortable around him. Like he would try them if he had the chance. ~throws up~

See this is the thing. I KNOW he’s my biological father. And if I had some kind of relationship with him growing up then maybe I would not be so judgemental but um, I don’t even know this dude. And honestly I am extremely picky about the people I am around and THIS DUDE, wouldn’t make the cut. So just because he’s my biological father(sperm donor) I am supposed to lower my standards? I don’t think so.

You know, if he died I don’t think I’d cry.

I don’t think I would.

I know I wouldn’t.

I wouldn’t.

I don’t want anything from him. I don’t want his emotional phone calls. I don’t want his business. I don’t want his attention. I’ll still take some money though. But when I get straight, I don’t even want THAT.

Damn. If you’re going to be my father, can you at least be someone to measure my future husband against?

See, I’ve noticed there is a shortage of REAL MEN. If you’re wondering what are the characteristics of REAL MEN, lemme hip it to ya.

REAL MEN are responsible. They have stable jobs. They are not afraid to do what is neccessary to survive. They do what they know is RIGHT regardless of whether they want to do it or not.

REAL MEN do NOT depend on women to take care of them.

REAL MEN do not place the blame on others for their misfortune. How dare you blame HER because she has two kids by you? I’m sure she did that all by herself….right.

REAL MEN do NOT argue with women. If you’re a man who ever thinks to himself, “I’m gonna set this bitch straight” in anticipation of a verbal battle, LMAO! Basically, you’re a BITCH! Men don’t go back and forth arguing with women! HELLO! That’s what bitches do. And I’m also talking to you if you think it makes you look good to degrade a woman. The type of men who will sit down and try to verbally abuse a woman are the weakest men alive because they have to resort to vicious words because they can’t get a grip on their own emotions.

REAL MEN don’t run from mistakes. They stand tall and face the consequences. Bad credit, bad relationships, poor choices- doesn’t matter. A REAL MAN will stand and admit his mistake and then forgive himself and work to make things right again.

REAL MEN are leaders. Excuse me. Who the hell is going to follow you if you don’t have your shit together? And don’t even try to PRETEND like you can lead when you don’t even know where you’re going. Don’t drag anyone down with you. Figure that shit out. Make a plan and stick to it.

REAL MEN can recognize a good woman. They aren’t out looking for the hot thing. They understand that a woman who is a good friend to them will be a good mate for life. They don’t dismiss the “good girls” in favor of a woman playing games. They understand that a woman who isn’t about games is in reality THE BEST CHOICE.

REAL MEN are like sunshine. You look forward to seeing them and they brighten your day. A confident man who is secure with himself will actually make you feel GOOD about yourself. Positive people project positivity.

REAL MEN fear God. A man who can recognize that THEY ARE NOT GOD and can bow and respect someone higher than themselves is a man to be admired.

~sigh~

I feel better now.

Checkin Me

Ya’ll won’t believe me when I say it’s not easy writing anymore. I took a break from writing to relieve some of the pressure that I put on myself. I am very serious about my future and I kept getting frustrated because although I love to write, I ain’t making no money at it. I feel as though I have talent and drive so I should be writing for a living. It doesn’t work that way.

So I stopped writing for a while and it felt good not to worry about it. Now, I have literally started so many different stories that are all saved in drafts. After I start writing them I feel like they are stupid. It all seems so incosequential. And for the first time in FOREVER, there are some stories that I just, don’t want to share.

~rubbing chin~

I don’t get it either.

I don’t know. Maybe I just need to warm up a bit. I’ll give it another try.

Lemme tell ya what happened today.

***********************************************

At work

So I’m at the color copy machine about to take off my shoe and hit it. I call the man from Minolta a few times a month to service that thing and it’s getting on my nerves.

I hear a ring, it’s my cell telling me I have a text message.

I check it. It’s my girl Tamara in Tallahassee. The message reads: Call Tonya.

Tonya is my sorority sister who just moved back to Gainesville for a job. I introduced Tonya and Tamara back when I was in college and since they lived in the same city, they became friends. REALLY good friends. ~frown~ You know I don’t like sharing friends. I was mad at first, but I got over it. They are both really sweet so I figure they can keep each other company since I couldn’t be there. I granted them my permission to hang together. ~laffs~ (Raycita, 2005)

So I call Tonya at her office, she says she’ll call me back. I see that I missed her call and I call her back again.

When we finally connect she begins to tell me the story she started to tell me last night.

“So it’s 3:19am right.” she begins. “And my phone rings. Now usually I don’t answer private numbers but I decided to go ahead and answer it. When I do, it’s a male voice, ” she says and pauses.

“The man says to me, ‘Tonya. I found your number in my man’s phone. And I know you been sleeping with him without protection. My man has a disease and you need to go get tested.’ “

Tonya calmly says, “Who is this? And who is your man?”

The caller says, “Don’t worry about that. YOU KNOW who it is.” The caller has a feminine twang to his voice.

Tonya says, “I don’t even have sex so I have nothing to worry about.” She hangs up.

“GIRLLLLLLLLL!” I squeal. “Who playin on yo phone?” I roll my eyes.

“I don’t know girl. But it’s obviously someone who knows I am very serious about the man on the down low thing. Cuz they trying to get me excited over that. Don’t you know if I was sexually active, I’d be sweatin right now?”

“Well we ALL know you ain’t gettin none!” I say and laugh at her. “Well do you have any gay friends?”

She laughs again. “No, not one. The only gay man I see about once a month does my eyebrows. And he’s Vietnamese.”

“Well I don’t know. But they need to stop playin. BITCHES!”

“So what’s up with you?” she asks me. “How was your weekend?”

“Girrrrlllll!” I say and roll my eyes. “Now you know I had all kinda plans to relax this weekend. I took the day off on Friday so I could get my rest on early and my baby daddy said he was taking the boys and bringing them back on Monday. So that meant a WHOLE weekend with nothing to do but chill. I was so excited! My mind NEEDED this long break. My body needed it too. So Tamara came into town and we hung out all day Friday. We went to eat, get our feet done and run some of MY errands. So you know when I got home I was tired. Then had to deal with my biological father, then me and Tamara went out to the Hard Rock Casino and we didn’t get home until almost 4am. So I slept in until 11 cuz MARSHA calls me waking me up tombout goin to the movies later. I told her yeah and laid back down. THEN, my baby daddy calls me telling me he got in a car accident.”

“A car accident?”

“Yeah.”

“With the kids in the car?”

“Yeah… GIRL HE ALRIGHT! He just wanna do ANYTHING he can to mess up my weekend! He don’t never wanna keep the kids!”

“Girlll…” she says. I know she’s not feelin me but I don’t care.

“Be quiet. ” I hiss. “So he leaves a message on my voice mail saying he hurt his arm and he couldn’t drive. So when I got there to pick up my kids, his car was already gone but ain’t a damn thing wrong with his arm. AND he’s standing there with Hyper Chick herself (his girlfriend) who I hadn’t seen in a couple of YEARS. So Hyper Chick is standing there holding my baby hand. I raise my eyebrow as they walk toward my car. I shoot her a quick look and she immediately goes into this whole dramatic production of slobbering all over my kids, talkin bout, ‘Bye baby! I’ma miss you! Gimme a kiss babies!’ My heart just STOPPED. I know this B..Chick ain’t slobbing my babies down in my face!”

“Girllll…” Tonya says.

“So I just got my sons by the hand and put them in my car while my baby daddy and Hyper Chick watch me. I get in and before I close the door she says to me, ‘Nice seeing you again Ms. Tee.”

“Did you say ‘bye’ back to her?” Tonya asks me.

“Hell no! Fuck that bitch!”

“See! You wrong Tee.”

“How am I wrong? I don’t have to speak to HER! I can’t stand HER! You seem to forget that the last time I saw that hoe she was TRYIN ME at my own BABY DEDICATION at church! In front of MY own friends. And I ain’t say nothing to her ass. HELL NAW! I was nice then!”

“Girl, you know you wrong. That girl spoke to you and you didn’t speak back. Do you know what that make you look like? You look like the bitter ex girl who ain’t over her X. Tell me something, Do you still want BABY DADDY?”

I shudder.

Silence.

“Girl, don’t try me like that!” I hiss into the phone.

“Do you still want Baby Daddy?”

Silence.

“I’m about to get upset.” I say.

“You’re already upset. But I don’t care. Just how REAL you are with Tamara and how REAL you were with me when I was going through that mess with Jeremy, I’m being REAL with you. You acting up. Speak to that girl. Cuz if you don’t, she’s gonna be laughing at you saying, Ha ha I got what she want. She want my man. They probably both laughing at you everytime you act like you can’t let it go.”

“But she TRIED ME! She’s trifling! I have NO respect for her, laying up with a man when he has a baby on the way. She ranked the game. She had no respect for me as a woman, how could I respect her as a woman?”

“How many years ago was that?” Tonya asks.

Silence. My heart is breaking, slowly.

“Tonya.” I say. Then fall silent.

“You got to get over it. One day you’re gonna have someone too. You’re treating her just the way he treats you. And I know you don’t like it when he ignores you and acts like you ain’t worth nothing. You doin the same thing and making yourself look bitter to the world.”

Silence.

My heart is broken.

I’m almost in tears.

“So I gotta be nice to this b..chick who TRIED ME… and she ugly?!”

“Why not? She is going to be a part of your children’s lives for a long time. As long as she’s good to the boys, why are you so mad? Let it go.”

I turn around to face the wall so that no one can see my tears.

“She get to parade around with MY KIDS and my Baby Daddy and I get to be alone every night and hear him talk bullshit to me about how I’m an unfit mother and I have to BE NICE TO HER! GREAT!”

“You’ll get over it Tee. I love you and I have some work to do. I gotta go.”

We hang up.

I hate Tonya.

I really do.

I realize that I’m always dishing out my TRUTHS. Cramming them down everyone’s throats. But when it comes time for me to take it, I can’t. It hurt. A lot.

But she’s right. I have to let that go.

But, the anger…The anger over all of that is all I have left of him.

This drama is so comfortable to me. It hurts but it’s what I’m used to.

What will I do without it?

Bloggin Baby!

Still a little rusty, but I found this site.

Eye Of The Storm

You should check it out.

The Moment You’ve Been Waiting For

For real…

You wanna know what the absolute BEST feeling is in the WORLD?

Man, its the moment you have after the kids are put to bed. The house is quiet, the TV is on but it’s muted and it’s just you and the sweet soft bed.

You sit on the edge of the bed. You take off your skirt. You kick it to the floor. Then you sigh. Cuz you know how good you are about to feel. You reach behind your back under your shirt with both hands. You find the clasp and in one swift motion you release it.

You manage to weave your hand through your shirt and pull down one strap. Then you pull down the next strap.

As you pull that MONSTRONSITY out of that shirt you HEAVE a sigh of RELIEF…

Ahhhh…..Yes, Baby. Oh yeah.. Thank you LORD!

Mmmm…mmm…feel so good…

Girlllll…. Ain’t nothing like taking your bra off at the end of the day!

A squeeze or two won’t hurt. Show em some love. They’ll appreciate you more.

The Personals

Today I was telling Val about Craig’s List. I was explaining to her that it was basically a bulletin board and that people could post things by city. I asked her to see if they had one for Baton Rouge and she said she’d look.

When I got a chance to peruse the site myself I saw they had one for Baton Rouge. I noticed that this branch of the website was just built after Katrina. All of the ads were new.

I had just gotten introduced to the Craig’s List personals and I had already posted an ad for my friend as a surprise for her birthday. (She didn’t get mad) So something made me look at the Baton Rouge and New Orleans personals and there were ads on there that looked like this:

MEN SEEKING WOMEN in New Orleans

i’m in los angeles if u want me…seeking relationship, marriage, kids – 35
Reply to: anon-95168213@craigslist.orgDate: 2005-09-03, 3:11AM CDT
i cant afford to pay for ur way out here but if u can make it to l.a. u can stay with me. i’m not gonna lie…i’d marry u if u wanted…(i know i’m stupid, but i’m not a freak) photo attached – NOW SEND ME YOURS…Thanks if nothing else, i hope everything works out for u even if u never write back. josh

and this

Place to Stay in Seattle – 35
Reply to: anon-94982456@craigslist.orgDate: 2005-09-02, 9:15AM CDTI have an extra room in my house for up to two single women(18-40) who have no where to turn to. Must be ok with pets (dogs). Can provide stable enviroment… Please send some information on yourself (the normal basics) – and I will contact you back and I will arrange your flight etc… I am 35 – an artist / busines owner … will assist in getting you a job and getting you back on your feet – no other expectations…

and this

Husband for Cajun Queen – serious replies only please. – 35
Reply to: anon-95798786@craigslist.orgDate: 2005-09-06, 3:43PM CDT
Hii Out of tragedy can a new Love bloom? I would like to find a beautiful woman displaced by the storm who is willing to begin life anew in Austin, Texas. I have a new place I will be moving into soon. A very good location in the center of town, near St. Edwards University and blocks away from all the fun things to do in Austin. Preferably you are in your early to mid-twenties, but early thirties is alright. Maybe you were going to college in NOLA or Biloxi and want to continue school or you are ready to start a heart and soul relationship with a passionate intelligent man. I do not care much about race, but it would be sexy if you had a gentle Southern accent and some Cajun flare. It is vitally important to me that you come from a good natured family. Please send a pic or at least an accurate description of yourself. I am an artist and musician. So you should be open minded and it would be nice if you were artistic as well. I am deeply spiritual, but I do not attend church or any organized religion. So you should be open minded to that as well, maybe you are into Yoga or holistic healing. I appreciate beauty and I understand that the greatest beauty comes only from the heart. This is why I want to help you now.

or this one from a woman

COME TO NEW YORK – 29
Reply to: mailto:anon-94927885@craigslist.org?subject=COME%20TO%20NEW%20YORK%20%20%2d%2029Date: 2005-09-01, 10:31PM CDT
DO U NEED OR WANT TO LEAVE WHERE U ARE? WELL I’M A LONELY, 29 Y/O BBW. NOT UGLY, NOT BEAUTIFUL JUST IN THE MIDDLE. I WORK AND HAVE MY OWN APT AND A 3 Y/O SON. LOOKING FOR MR RIGHT. WE CAN CHAT A BIT IF THING S R GOOD U CAN MOVE TO NY AND LIVE WITH ME. NO I WILL NOT BE UR SUGAR MAMMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U MUST FIND A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT I WILL SUPPORT U TILL U START WORKING, BUT IT BETTER BE SOON. PLS BE 24 TO 30 NO KIDS OF UR OWN, SORRY BUT I DON’T HAVE ROOM OR ENOUGH MONEY FOR 2 OR MORE PPL. WHITE, SPANISH OR MAYBE A LIGHT SKINNED BLACK. SINGLE , SANE AND READY TO SETTLE DOWN. REPLY WITH A PIC, AGE, AND WHAT U HAVE TO OFFER. THIS IS FOR REAL SO BE FOR REAL TOO. I TRIED OF THE BAR AND CLUB BULLSHIT SO I’M TRYING THIS. YOU MAY THINK THAT I’M CRAZY, I’M NOT JUST TRIED OF BEING ALONE.

And so many more!

I want to believe the best in people during this time. But my heart just couldn’t go along with some of these ads. I’m just so scared. So many false prophets. People saying they want to help but you don’t know their true intentions. But if you have no other choices then what do you do?

I’m saying. What if it was ME?! I mean, damn, here I am sitting here typing. When the SAME hurricane that just knocked out my electricity for a few days went on to become a NATIONAL DISASTER! Those winds passed right over me and my sons.

What if it had been us? We don’t have a single family member outside of Miami. If Miami were to ~Lord, I won’t even release that negativity into the air~ man, who could we turn to? Who could we trust? Homeless. With no family. Or maybe your WHOLE family are right there with you and you have no one to turn to but the same people who left you on TOP OF YOUR ROOF FOR FIVE DAYS! ~screams~

I’m sick to death over all of this. I just wish it were all OVER! I can’t like, concentrate. I can’t even be too happy without feeling bad. It’s affecting me man. It’s like a stab in my chest. I just want things to be okay. But it’s going to be a long while before we get there. In fact, I don’t believe this country will ever be the same.
…

It’s sad because I’m mourning already and they havent even finished the body count.

Pray for the people who survived Hurricane Katrina. Pray that they have discernment about whose handout to take.

Pray for the President. Pray for his advisors.

Pray for all of the US Citizens to not react out of their emotions, pride or prejudice.

We have to survive this. I feel like this country is going to crumble if we don’t handle this properly.

God Be With Us.

I’m so HAPPY!

Guess what happened? My 5 year old figured out how to open his milk!

~smirking~

He’s LEARNING!

I had no idea how tricky it was to open a milk carton. Every morning I take him to school and sit with him while he eats his breakfast. There seems to be HUNDREDS of giant kids in that cafeteria. My baby loosk so small and fragile. I demonstrate how to open the cereal, how to spread his jelly on his toast and how to break his biscuit and put his eggs into it so he can eat it. But the ONE thing he didn’t get was opening his milk.

Pull the two flaps apart. Fold them back then squeeze and it pops open.

He didn’t get it.

But on FRIDAY I planned to slowly give him his independence. When we got out of the car I saw some small kids walking and I asked him if he knew them. He just looked at me. Then one of the kids says, “Hey *Sugarbear* I’m going to eat breakfast, COME ON!”

Sugarbear looks at the kids and then at me. I tell him to go ahead and catch up with them and that I’ll be right behind him. He runs and is quickly next to them. Then he keeps walking. Right past them. Into the cafeteria.

When I catch up to him he’s walking right up to the front of the line.

“Sugarbear!” I whisper loudly. “Stand in the line. The back of the line.”

He giggles and walks to the back of the line.

When he reaches the front he gets a milk and then the lunch(man) gives him his tray. He takes a fruit and then some cereal. He says “Goodmorning” to the lady at the cashier. (YAY! I’ve been trying to get him to remember to say Goodmorning when he sees adults in the morning.)

He sits down and takes off his backpack. I’m standing there totally quiet, allowing him to do his thang. He picks up the milk and then..he opens it! Like a PRO! Then he looks up at me and smiles. I give him a BIG hug and say, “My baby is sooo BIG! GOOD JOB Boo Boo!”

He grins.

I am SOOO Proud of him. He’s come a long way. We had a bit of an adjustment problem. After that smooth first week of school all of a sudden he started peeing in his pants everyday. At first I just talked to him and then when he kept doing it I started to get upset. Then I realized that he must be getting used to the new school and it must be his nerves. I continued to encourage him and offer rewards for everyday he doesnt pee his pants. He eventually stopped. When the aftercare lady noticed his dry pants she complimented him and he said proudly, “My Daddy told me not to wet my pants.”

I raised my eyebrow. “Yo DADDY told you?” Hmph!

After the first two weeks of school he was adjusting to his teacher and his class and then I get a call from his father telling me that he was switching to another class. It turns out at his school, they test the kindergarten kids and group them according to ability and my son (who can already READ basic words) was moved to another class with students who are on his level. So now my son had to adjust ALL OVER AGAIN. ~sigh~

I had smirked at the other parents whose kids were acting up on the first day of school. Those kids were wildin out! Screaming, kicking and crying. Some kids wouldn’t let go of their parents. I thought it was so wild that they behaved like that. Not my baby. Cool as a cucumber. Or so I thought.

After introducing him to his new teacher and classmates we were approaching DAY 2. I sat with him in the cafeteria like I usually do while he ate his breakfast. We walked outside together so that he could line up on the courts to wait for his NEW teacher. I gave him a kiss on the top of his head and walked away. I was halfway down the street when I turned around to get one more look at my Baby. He was sitting cross legged on the courts with a deep frown on his face. Then I saw both fists go up to his eyes and I heard the saddest wail I have ever heard before. “MAAMAAAAAAA!” He was crying.

My eyes got big. I turned around and began walking toward the courts. By the time I reached him I hadn’t even noticed that I was running. “What’s wrong Boo Boo?” I asked him and gave him a big hug.

“I don’t know what to doooo?” he whined and buried his face in my neck.

My heart broke.

My Baby doesn’t know what to doooo. I held him. And cried. He cried. We cried together.

Me in my gray knee length skirt and heels, my legs getting all scratched up from the asphalt, but I didn’t care. My baby needed me!

After I gave him a moment to calm down, I stood up slowly. The security guard gave me a look and I walked over to him. “My baby doesn’t know what to do.” I told him.

He tried to hide a smirk.

“Look Ma’am. The best thing to do right now is to turn around and walk away. He will be okay. I will make sure he gets to his class.”

“For real?” I ask in a whiny voice, my eyes still red from crying.

“We will take care of him. Now go ahead and leave. You can cry in the car.” He gives me a soft push on my back.

I walk away and don’t look back. And Yes, I did cry in the car. And I had a HORRIBLE day that day just thinking about how sad my baby was.

And the NEXT day, he does it again. I kiss him on the top of his head and walk away. When I get down the street I looked back to check on him and what do I see- MY SON IS RUNNING as fast as he can toward me and screaming like someone is chasing him. “MAMAAAAAAA!!! Don’t goooo!!! I freeze.

The security guard catches him and walks him back to the court.

I cry in the car.

And I had a HORRIBLE Day all day thinking about how sad my baby was.

But now he’s all better. So my days are better.

~whew~

Do I really have to do this all over again when my younger son starts pre-K next year?

~shivers~

Oh no…

Who Do You Love? Are You Sure?

I received an interesting call from a guy friend tonight. He said he had good news.

I love hearing good news so I got all excited and settled down to enjoy my special hot dogs topped with chopped onions and melted cheese while he shared his story.

He told me that he spoke to his one true love recently. He shared how he explained to her where he was now in his life and some of his goals for the future. Then he dropped a bomb I’m sure she wasn’t expecting.

“Tracy,” he said. “My first priority is getting myself together and finally becoming a man. My second priority… is you.”

“I know that you are with someone but let me explain. Every single relationship that I have been in ever since we broke up has been a feeble attempt to replace you. It hasn’t worked. I wake up everyday thinking about how much I love you and how happy I was when we were together. I want to be a better man for you. You can’t tell me that you are happier now than you were when we were together. I won’t believe it.”

Tracy responded hesitantly, “Well I don’t know what to say. I have goals for myself as well. I’m pursuing my career in acting and I’ll be moving to LA very soon.”

“That’s fine,” he assured her. “But how do you feel about what I’ve said to you? How do you feel now that you know that I don’t want anyone else in my life but you?”

Silence.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” she responded meekly.

His heart lept.

When he got off of the phone with her he couldn’t stop smiling. He was so elated he even wrote a poem about her. There’s no better feeling in the world than loving somebody, when that somebody loves you back.

He decided that even if it took 3-4 years, he would become a man she could respect and then, he would go after her to rekindle a relationship that had ended more than 10 years ago. He assired me that she was not saying yes to RIGHT NOW. But that she was saying yes to the FUTURE.

Sounds like a love story huh?

The catch; he is already in a relationship right now. He is living with a woman who has basically taken care of him for so many years while he struggled to find himself.

“Man,” I told him. “It’s messed up how you’re doing Kandy. I mean, she has shown her love for you in every sense of the word by taking up the slack and filling in the gaps and you are gonna leave her because you are in love with someone else. At the end of the day it’s gonna hurt her, but it’ll be for the best because she needs to be with someone who will love her like you love Tracy and you can’t offer her that. Just don’t lead her on. Don’t use her until you get yourself together. I would hate to be sleeping next to a man who was dreaming of someone else.”

“It would be unfair of me NOT to go after Tracy,” he said. “She is who I want and I can’t just sit there with Kandy knowing I don’t love her like that because I feel indebted to her because of all she’s done for me. I have to go after my happiness. I owe it to myself. I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering, WHAT IF?”

So his plan is to work on becoming a better man. I applaud that. But he’s also being a bit selfish, which I told him he had a right to be since it’s HIS life. Sometimes it’s okay to be selfish. But I hope he understands that his selfishness comes at a price.

He’s leaving behind a beautiful woman, stability and dedicated love for a fantasy he has held in his mind since he was a kid.

Would I choose a chance to chase my fantasy love or stick with a stale version of happiness with someone who has always shown me unconditional love?

Man, I really don’t know. But it’ll be interesting to see what happens with him in his love triangle.

I’ll let you know.

Sometimes I still feel like a little girl

When I wake up in the middle of the night, my body curled up into a tight little ball. My teeth clenched tightly, my eyes searching the room trying to remember where I am. Trying to recognize the fact that I am 26. I have my own kids now. I have my own home.

But I still have nightmares about him.

Me-barely 5 feet tall. Him -5’11”, over 300 pounds. Big and black. He’s screaming at me. He hates me. He’s telling me that I can’t do anything right. He’s telling me he’s going to beat me. He turns to get his belt.

I run out the door blindly. I don’t know where to go. I run and run and run. I have no one to call. I hear him running after me. He’s going to find me and beat me. I know he will. I can’t outrun him. He’s going to get me. He hates me. I can’t breathe. He hates me.

Some nights I have the same dream, but the HIM is different. This time HE is my children’s father.

Me-barely 5 feet tall. Him- 5’11”, over 300 pounds. Big and black. He’s screaming at me. He hates me. He’s telling me that I can’t do anything right. He’s telling me he’s going to kill me. He reaches out to grab me.

I run out the door blindly. I don’t know where to go. I run and run and run. I have no one to call. I hear him running after me. He’s going to find me and kill me. I know he will. I can’t outrun him. He’s going to get me. He hates me. I can’t breathe. He hates me.

My stepfather. My children’s father. The two men in my life. They hate me so much. Mimi says I’m just paranoid. That hurt my feelings. My fears are real to me. But she doesn’t have to wake up crying like I do. Wondering who is going to get me first. And why they both hate me so much.

I grew up wondering why my parents didn’t like me. Why they never said nice things. Why they never hugged me. How come I was so bad? I did well in school. I was popular. I did everything my parents asked me to do as soon as they asked. I was very eager to please. But they still didn’t like me. They still didn’t like me. They always punished me. It was as if doing the right thing was the wrong thing.

Why do you hate me so much when all i’m trying to do is please you?

To this day I still do the same thing. I’m super nice to people. I’m very encouraging. I try to do what’s right. All in hopes that I will brighten someone’s day. But still, they don’t like me.

I get the silent treatment from some Black women. I can tell they don’t like me from the moment we shake hands. I get criticized by men. Yeah, you have a lot going for you, but you STILL need to improve in this area and that area. And I question myself. I question my friends. What do I keep doing wrong?

Who will accept me and love me just as I am?

I am finally clear that no man ever will. That hope left my heart a long time ago. Today is the day that I finally admit it.

No man will ever hurt me again. Because no man will ever get close enough.

I have two men hunting me in dreams.

And that is quite enough.

PAYDAY!

HURRAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!

What type of Mama…

I had a fight with Anna last night.

Yes, my bestfriend from highschool who gets on my damn nerves. Our problem is, she won’t just let me be myself. While my other friends will just back off and let me act up when I get emotional or moody or possessive or irritated, Anna won’t. She is constantly lecturing me about how I can improve the characteristics that she feels aren’t good. While I know that I do need to work on some areas, it’s so frustrating to hear about it all the time from her.

Like, yesterday my cousin called me to see if I could bring my cell phone charger to her house so that she could use it since hers was broken. I bathed my boys, fed them dinner and then walked out the door to take the 1 minute ride to her house. As soon as I heard the door close I cringed and looked down at my left hand.

I was holding the cell phone charger where my housekey should have been. DOH!

And my door locks automatically.

I was locked out. Again.

Since I had my cell phone I called Anna to tell her that I was locked out and to remember to bring my extra house key when she comes to visit me. My boys and I walked to my cousins house and a few of my cousins and their kids were there. Whenever more than two of my cousins get together it’s almost like a party. Get this: my mama has 7 sisters and 4 brothers. With the exception of one, they ALL live in Miami. So imagine how many cousins I have! And imagine how many kids we have!

We watched Scary Movie 3 and then sat down to chit chat. Anna arrived with her little girl and we sent all the kids to play in the room.

Now my kids bedtime is 8pm. And I am VERY strict about that. It’s very rare for me to let them stay up past that time because no matter how late they stay up they will STILL wake me up by 8am the next morning. So I figure, if I have to get up so early, then they have to go to bed early.

My boys are very good about going to bed on time. We take their bath, then we cuddle/wrestle/tickle for a little while then I usually talk to them about how much God loves us and how He has provided for us and I lead them to pray. Then I kiss and hug them and they ask for more kisses and hugs and finally I stand up and walk out of the room. My 3 yr old, who I call, “My little Shoo Shoo” always says the same joke and they both laugh.

“Goodnight boys.” I say and pull the door, leaving it open just enough to let the hall light stream in.

“You didn’t say goodnight to my BOOGERS!” Shoo Shoo says and they both LAUGH and LAUGH. ~sigh~ Boys are sooo….

Well anyway, I’m at my cousins house and it’s getting later and later. Way past 8pm. My boys are having fun and I’m having fun, but in the back of my mind I keep thinking, “Are you being responsible? Is this right to be having THIS much fun when your boys are with you? Shouldn’t I just take them home now? It’s so late.”

I know I’m very hard on myself when it comes to my kids. I think about every decision I make at least 2-3 times. I just figure if they turn out to be horrible adults I don’t want to be a contributing factor. I don’t want them to grow up and say, Mama scarred me by doing x-y-z. And I don’t want them to be one of those men who hates their Mama.

So I try to be the type of Mama that I ould love to have. I set boundaries which are sometimes fudged when appropriate. I like to teach my sons about God through my actions. I have taught them about God’s grace and how it applies to them. I told them that God loves us so much that he gives us grace when we don’t do things the right way all the time. He is not a monster who wants to punish us for every little mistake. So once in a while, when my boys mess up by not listening or doing something he knows he shouldn’t do, I’ll get upset and send him to his room, but when I go in after I’ve calmed down, I’ll talk to him and say, “I”m giving you grace this time. We all make mistakes. Do you know what you did wrong? Good. Don’t do it again. I still love you no matter what.” Then I let him go back to play.

This happens every once in a while. But dammit I don’t give myself ANY GRACE!

Which is why Anna gets so mad at me.

So it’s after midnight and the kids are still up and in my mind I’m freaking out but I’m trying to play it cool. I’m breaking one of my rules by being out after 8pm and even though no one is being hurt by it, I feel like I’m doing something wrong.

Since I locked myself out and I had to walk to my cousin’s house, I couldn’t just up and leave. I was getting frustrated because I heard my kids crying. I began to feel bad and think to myself, “They are tired, we shouldn’t have been up this late. I should have waited until they were with their Daddy if I wanted to have fun. This is so wrong.”

My aunt comes in and we sit and talk and laugh. She sees that I am worried about my kids and she says, “Tee you need to calm the fuck down. They alright. They are adults in their own little world and you have to give them a chance to play their roles.”

I listen. I sip some more. But after another hour, I can’t take it.

I jump up and announce that I want to leave because my kids are crying. (They had a fight with some of their other cousins) Anna looks at me like, “Tee, just give me five minutes and we can go.” Remember she has my house key and I don’t have my car and it’s after midnight.

“Gimme my house key!” I demand. “We’ll walk home.”
“Tee, you are NOT going to walk home with those boys THIS TIME OF NIGHT! Just wait five minutes for me to straighten up the place then we can go.” Anna says.

This infuriates me. How DARE she tell me to wait! My boys are crying, I shouldn’t have had them out this late ANYWAY. I’m being an irresponsible mother and she wants to prolong the madness.

“GIMME MY KEY ANNA!”
“Girl, please.” she says and dismisses me.

I hate Anna.

I sit down on the couch with my arms folded. I’m so heated. Anna doesn’t care. She calls me into the kitchen where she is washing the dishes.

“Tee, the boys are fine. You need to stop that. You need to stop punishing yourself because you have kids. You can hang out sometimes even WITH your kids. You are allowed to let them have fun with their cousins while you relax.”

“I don’t want a lecture from you.”

But she gives me one anyway.

I can’t stand her.

All I want is to be a good responsible Mom. I may take things to the extreme in a lot of areas, but I know with kids, you only have one shot. The words you say, the things you do, the way you show them love, will affect them for the rest of their lives.

The rest of their lives.

That is a lot of responsibility which I don’t take lightly.

I want to raise men of good character who will be responsible enough to take care of themselves.

I want good boys who will turn into good men.

I want to show them all the love and affection and approval that I never got.

I want them to know God from an early age.

I want so much for them, but inside I know, that they must want it for themselves…

But I can’t help trying to do things the right way. The right way?