Author: TPatterson

I feel like throwing up

I can’t believe we lost last night.

I can’t believe I care.

When did I become a sports fan?

I have no idea, but I am.

Last night I put the boys to bed and sat down with my remote in my hand. I wanted to watch the Heat game. I rolled my eyes. All these damn channels, I can NEVER find the channel I want to watch. Is there some kind of guide or something on paper?!!! Damn!

Then I remembered that Anna called me earlier while I was bathing my sons. I dialed her number.

“What’s up chick?” I asked.
“Just wanted to let you know the channel is 245 so you can support our boys.”
“DAMN!!!! I can’t believe this! I was JUST sitting here mad cuz I didn’t know what channel it was on. This MUST be the Lord.” I laughed.
“Alright, I have to go. I just wanted you to watch the game.”
“Later chick.”

We were winning at first and I was so happy. Then it was close. Okay, I’ll admit. I wasn’t really paying much attention to the score. I mean, how could I? Have you SEEN those players? Oh my gosh, they are FINE! All dark and lovely and sweaty with muscles. Mmmm… I couldn’t believe it. They look so strong and so rough. Like maybe they could handle a chick like me. I’d love to submit to any one of them.

~singing Tevin Campbell~ Tell me what you want me to dooooo…..

What’s that dude’s name? Dwayne Wade. They spelled his name wrong on the screen a couple of times. He is so georgeous! Like, I would have about 2 or 3 of his babies. The way his muscles rippled as he strode down the court. And did you see Shaq?!! He is so big! When he was guarding that guy it was like, he just stood there. I’m thinking, “I wouldn’t want to be the guy that Shaq is up against.”

But my heart sank in the last quarter. It was so close. So close. It felt like the world was ending as I saw the Detroit fans jumping up and down in victory. Did we really lose? Did Miami, the greatest city in the country REALLY lose?

Now, I had to sit back and evaluate my brand new emotions. What am I feeling? I was born and raised in Miami but before this year, I didn’t give a damn about sports. Well, except for the GATORS BABY! ~realizing~ Wow. This is how I felt about the Gators. Ofcourse I rarely watched a game but when the Gators played I wanted them to do well because I felt like they were representing ME! When they won, I won. When they lost, I lost and I felt sad.

This is exactly how I feel about the Heat. They are MY team representing MY town and ME!

I am so sad. I wish I could give them all a hug to let them know that on any given day we are a better city than DETROIT.

It’s official. I’m attached. We’re bonded at the heart.

Wow. The birth of a fan.

All HEAT players are always welcome at my house!

You’re Welcome…

Check out the video: NAKED ~Marques Houston

Damn…

Thanks Dianna!

Damn it feels good…

Now I can’t lie, when my kids are with their father, life is nothing but pure pleasure.

Picture me in the cold ass AC, lying across my bed in a wife beater and a thong, with a BRAND NEW MAGAZINE and a cold glass of Hypnotiq. There’s not a sound to be heard. Only the hiss of the airconditioner as it blows gently on my body.

My eyes shift to the right. I see my car keys on my computer desk. Hmm.. I think to myself. I can leave if I want to. I can get up, get dressed, and walk right out of that door and just, go somewhere. For real… I can do it. I mean, I can just go, outside, right now, and go OUT!

I don’t have to get anyone else ready. I don’t have to make sure anyone goes to the bathroom. I don’t have to answer a million questions about where we’re going and who we’re going to see. Ahh….LOL!

I can leave and take a leisurely drive down thru the neighborhood but… this bed is feeling so good. This air is feeling so good. I am feeling so good. So sexy, relaxing, accomplished, breath taking, I feel like a woman. I am the shit.

Damn, I needed this break.

Marry Your Baby Daddy Day

(Sept. 29th)

New York City

Will you be there?

LMAO!

What’s Up Chico?

Remember when I said I was looking forward to meeting Mr. Hispanic Guy (for personal reasons, he, he..)? Well, I must say that if this man does not fit the bill perfectly I don’t know who does. He is absoultely RAVISHING. I hope I never meet him because I will make a fool out of myself. He is so beyond fine.

Daddy Yankee ~ Gasolina

D.a.m.n.

Something About You

With the giant wave of reality based television flooding the airwaves one could argue that the pseudo celebrities it produces will never have the lasting impact on the entertainment industry that their counterparts who trudged their way up to stardom often endured throught years of rejection and failure.

Regardless of their seemingly pop tart route to fame, there are two reality television stars that have blown me away with…with… man, I can’t describe it. They just have “it”. That special something that celebrities have that none of us will ever imitate or duplicate. There’s something about them that makes us like them for no particular reason and has us rooting for their success like they were our long lost cousin.

She has IT!

Ms. Eva Pigford, BKA Eva the Diva.

Now even if you didn’t catch the season of America’s Next Top Model that has boosted her to Supermodel status, just one look into the eyes of this natural beauty and you will be hooked. There’s something about her that makes me like her. Something about her natural glow that propels me to celebrate her beauty and style and send up prayers that she receive nothing more than the best from the entertainment industry. Eva is simply amazing. I am so proud that she made the cover of Essence for my birth month. I was so happy for her! I felt like it was me!

She is a natural superstar and I wish her much success.

Who is he?

Who is this 15 year old kid from– where is he from again? I can’t remember. All I know is while watching BET yesterday with my girl, Anna I saw a program that made me smile. There were these 5 kids in a music group, kinda like Makin The Band. Except I couldn’t really compare the shows since I never watched Makin The Band but Anna said they were similar. The group is called Fatty Koo, yeah, kind of a weird name huh? But what is NOT weird is the unmistakeable talent that each member posesses.

While most musical groups divide up and go their seperate ways after making it big, I predict the same thing will happen to this group, BUT I can already tell who is going to be the superstar.

His name is Joshua Welton and he’s only 15 years old.

To watch him dance reminds me of Usher. His looks remind me of Justin Timberlake. This young man has the same natural charm that Eva the Diva has and as soon as he enters the group, it’s as if he was the missing ingredient that they had no idea even existed. He set the group off! And he is young enough to capture the young teens hearts and still have time to grow up, fill out and get the women all fired up.

I think Josh Welton is in it for the long haul.

Keep your eye on Josh and Eva the Diva- The Creme of the Reality Crop.

NY meets Miami

I had a wonderful time last night. After getting dressed in some blue capris and a matching blue and silver top I was ready to go! I knew I looked good, I was sweating myself! LOL!

I am on my way to meet Will, a blogger out of Harlem. He let me know that he would be in Miami on business and being the gracious host that I am who LOVES to show off her city, I agreed to meet up with him and show him around a bit. I didn’t know what to expect, but our previous phone conversations were very comfortable and I figured he would be easy to get along with. If not, I could always say I couldn’t find a babysitter and get out of hanging with him. ~smile~

I hopped into my car and rode down to South Beach. I can’t believe that I made it there in 12 minutes. I called Will and asked him where his hotel was. He told me 45th and Collins. Damn! I was on 11th and Alton. So I found Collins and rode it all the way back north to 45th street. It wasn’t hard to find. He told me where to park and asked me to meet him in the lobby.

I walked into the big beautiful building and saw a few people sitting in the lounge talking and laughing. I spied the bar. Oohh.. I’ll have a drink while I wait for him. I order a glass of white wine and sip slowly inhaling every sight and sound. A few minutes pass by and Will doesn’t show up.

The female bartender who has these huge boobs, asks me if I’m on vacation. “I wish.” I think to myself. “It would be so nice to stay in a place like this. This hotel is beautiful.”

I’m still sipping and waiting when my phone rings. It’s Will.
“Where are you girl?”
“I’m at the bar.”
“I thought I told you to meet me in the lobby. I’ve been standing out here for five minutes looking for you.”
“Oh well, I’m at the bar…”
Before I can finish my sentence I feel a presence behind me and I turn around. It’s Will.

He sits down at the bar stool next to mine and looks at my drink.
“Well,” he says. “I was going to wait until we had dinner to start drinking but I see you couldn’t.”
I laugh. “I’m almost done.”
“Have you paid for your drink yet?” he asks me.
“Nope.”
“Ms. How much is this drink?” he asks the bartendar with the huge boobs.
“I’ll check.” she says and goes to look at her computer thingy.
“Now how she NOT gonna know how much a glass of white wine costs?! Ain’t this her job?!” Will says.
I laugh.
“$13” she responds.
He and I both raise our eyebrows at that.
“What do you expect? It’s South Beach.” she answers.
He pays for the drink and I take one last sip before we stand up. “I’m tipsy,” I tell him.

Talking with Will is so easy. But walking with Will is not.
He’s taking these huge steps and I have to stop him and remind him that I’m only 5’1″ and I can’t keep up.
“I just wanted to see if you’d trip, seeing how tipsy you are.” he says and slows down a bit.

We make our way over to the restaurant on the terrace. It’s nice outside, the beach is just a few feet away. We can hear the surf pounding the shore and smell the salty sea water in the air.

We are seated and order our drinks and food and Will tells me not to drink anything else until I’ve eaten. I don’t know what it is, but I begin to feel tight in my chest. Like I can’t breathe.

“Will, I can’t breathe right now.”
“WHAT?!”
“Um, yeah I’m just a little tight and I left my inhaler home.”
He shakes his head.
I laugh. “I’ll be alright. I just need to concentrate on my breathing.”
“Deep breaths,” he coaches me.

The food comes and it is excellent. We both eat everything on our plates but Will can’t handle the peach vodka drink he ordered. He didn’t even drink half of it talking about, “Next time I’ll have a mixer with that.”

His colleagues stop by our table to say Hi and I am introduced to them. Awww..New Yorkers in Miami. What a treat for them!

“Well,” I tell him with a smirk. “I didn’t expect you to be…well, this attractive.”

“Ohhh, you thought I was gonna be wack?” he asks with a serious expression. “That’s messed up.”

“Sorry.” I tell him and laugh and laugh. He’s so funny!

I think the best thing about hanging with Will is the fact that we share the same love for writing. I didn’t have to explain to him what a blog was. He loves blogging as much as I do and that is exciting for me. Regardless of any differences we may have, our passion is the same and that is what bonds us automatically. I think he’s a great guy.

After our meal and some interesting dinner conversation Will and I head for the beach. His hotel isn’t on the noisy crowded end of South Beach so the beach is pretty quiet and after walking for a bit we discover that we have quite a bit of sand to ourselves.

We sit down facing the ocean and I laugh at him. I don’t even remember what I was laughing about but I know I was feeling great and enoying my night tremendously.

“Can you sing?” he asks me.
My heart jumps. I LOVE to sing, but I sound horrible, but I sing anyway, cuz it’s sooo much fun!
“I LOVE TO SING!” I tell Will.
“Sing something for me,” he asks.
“Ok.”
I clear my throat.
“I hope,” I began solemnly in my best Whitney Houston impression. “Life treats you kind. And I hope you have all you dreamed of….And IIIIIIIIII eee-iiiiii– Will always LOVE YOU- OOHHHH- IIII- WILL ALWAYSSSS LOVVVVE YOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

“Stop that!” Will says with a firm hand on my shoulder. “People are gonna think I’m torturing you.”

“Hey!” I say and blush.

We end up doing a little freestyle rhyme and singing a few songs together. I’m listening to him sing and I’m thinking, “Wow. He doesn’t sound too bad.” We are actually trying to harmonize and it doesn’t sound too bad. Hmm… maybe we could get a record deal. LOL!

We’re sitting in the sand looking out at the dark sky. There are only a few stars out and the wind is lulling us to sleep. It WOULD have been a nice, serene occasion, but Will won’t stop talking! LOL!

He’s making me laugh so much! My cheeks hurt from smiling my real smile, not my fake smile that I do for pictures.

“Oh wait.” he says and turns to me. “I have to do this or Yolanda will kill me.” He gives me a big hug that he says Yolanda told him to give me. I laugh. He’s so crazy.

I suggest we leave the beach area and we walk back to his hotel and sit out by the pool and talk for a little while more. I’m not really ready to leave but it’s getting late and I don’t want to be too tired to drive home.

“I think it’s time for me to go.” I tell him.
He looks a little sad. “Ok, let me walk you to your car.”

We walk to my car and he tells me that he is glad I came down to see him.

I smile. I’m glad I did too.

I am taking him out on Saturday and I am sure we will have even more fun. I am so looking forward to it.

It was very nice to meet you, Will.

Pen Pals

I just finished writing a letter to my pen pal. Crazy huh? In this time of advanced technology no one writes letters anymore, but I do.

My pen pal doesn’t have access to a computer. My pen pal doesn’t have access to a lot of things. At this very moment he only has access to a stick of deodorant and writing materials. He won’t even see the sunlight for the next 30 days.

My pen pal is in jail and has been for the past 13 years. The sentence he was given says he will never walk the streets again.

I don’t really remember him at all from when I was little. They called him Pumpkin, I remember that. I also remember being young and watching the news and my Mama saying, “That’s your cousin, he going to jail for a long time.”

When I moved back down to Miami I was at one of my family drunkfests and someone handed me the phone, “That’s your cousin Pumpkin, say Hi.” He had called collect to speak to the family.

“Hi Pumpkin, How are you?” I asked him and cringed.
“I’m good, man. What’s up with you? I heard you graduated college. You got two kids and shit. You doin alright.”
“Yeah, I’m doin alright Pumpkin. I’m glad to be back in Miami round my family. So you and LV (my cousin) keep in touch?”
“Yeah, she writes me sometimes. Not so much anymore. I’m working on getting out. Just a matter of time.”
“Hey, I love to write. I’ll write you if you want.”
“You shittin me?”
“Naw, I really love to write and I will definately write you a few letters.”
“Hold up lemme get something to write your address down.”

I give it to him and less than a week later I get a letter from him.

When we first began writing I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t ask how he was doing, I mean that would sound insensitive. I didn’t wanna brag about how much fun I was having. I didn’t know what to say to him and I wanted to quit writing because it made me uncomfortable. But I didn’t. I didn’t because if for some crazy reason, I was locked up, I would want someone to think of me. I would want to know that someone cared. I would want to be able to taste freedom, even if it is through the eyes of someone else.

So I started sending him stories from my blog. He liked them. I sent him my 101 Things List and asked him to write one of his own. He did- It was great! Something told me to experiment a bit and I started sending him excerpts from other blogs that I thought he would like. I send him stories from Brutha Code and Humanity Critic and he and his “boys” love them and ask for more.

When he writes me, he tells me stories about his children and how he wishes he could be a father to them again. He tells me how a stupid mistake will haunt him for the rest of his life but he is hopeful that he will get out one day.

In his last letter he asked me to send him pictures of women. LOL! Ohhhkayyy! I sent him this pic of Vivica Fox and this pic of Sanaa Lathan and this pic of Alicia Keyes. I don’t know, maybe he was hoping for something different, but I like those three pictures.

The letters I write to him are more difficult to write than anything I’ve ever written. But I won’t let him down. I’ll be there for him, entertaining him with my stories and the crazy stories of others so that maybe, his days will be a little brighter. Maybe he won’t hate himself until the day he dies. I know I can’t do anything to help his situation, but I do know that I can at least send a smile and a little warmth his way.

Me against Them

Someone in my life keeps asking me this question and I keep ignoring him because I don’t want to have to sit down and face the truth.

Answering this question will definately put things into perspective and I’ll be forced to come to a sad, sad conclusion.

I’m running from this because to examine this will be too painful.

He asked me: What do you have against men?

When I even THINK about this question I get upset. But I have forced myself to answer it, rationally and not out of my emotions.

What do I have against men?

Well, I know that all men have an agenda when they meet you.

I’ve learned that men want something from you and they will say what they have to say to get it. It’s not always about sex either. But beware, if a man tells you he doesn’t want sex, that simply means that he is having sex with someone else on a regular basis (i.e. a girlfriend).
Because he is getting his elsewhere. He can take his time with you.

All men want something. Whether it’s an ego stroke or dookey love, they have a goal when they meet you but it’s totally up to you whether they get it or not.

I used to be such a pleaser, man, forget it, I’ll admit it, I still am. I totally ignore my own desires in order to make sure that everyone else is happy. For example my love for giving oral pleasure, but my dislike for receiving it. Also, my ability to lend money, but my inability to borrow money. And let’s not forget my inclination to do nice things for people, but I feel bad when someone does something nice for me. I feel like I owe them.

So it looks like the men are getting what they want from me, (the booty, the gifts, the sweetness) but actually I’m giving what I want to give.

For me it’s out of kindness, the one quality that many of the men I meet lack, but for men, it’s about conquering.

What do I have against men?

It’s my male friends fault.

Ever gotten so cool with a man that he tells you all his dirt? Lord, I tell you, it’s not a good place to be. To hear these guys scheme on chicks make me sick to my stomache. When I leave my brother’s barber shop I literally despise men. And when I talk to my boy E, EVERY SINGLE TIME, I tell him I give up on men period.

According to him, it’s all about bragging rights and booty. Who sexed the best chicks? (Yeah dawg, I banged this chick with green eyes…) Who sexed the most chicks? Who can get the most while giving the least? According to him, it’s a game. One disgusting game of selfishness and deceit. And he says men only get married after they finish looking around and give up on finding something better than who they already have.

What do I have against men?

My Baby Daddy did it. Wow. I realized that what I thought was love between us was nothing of the sort.

What do you do when you love someone?

You compromise. You accept them for who they are. You encourage them and challenge them in love. You take care of them and hold them in high esteem.

My entire 3 year relationship with him had none of those qualities. ~sigh~

I am just realizing that.

And while I sometimes wonder how he could love me so much then hate me so much, I have come to the conclusion that this dude never loved me. In fact, he never liked me as a person. He was never satisfied with me.

I was his first girlfriend. His first shot at some steady booty. And I was cute, ofcourse he had to take it. But he didn’t really like who I was. But he liked the steady sex, so he tried to change me with his criticisms. He tried to make me feel bad about who I was so that I would become who he wanted me to be. But it didn’t quite work that way. Instead of transforming into who he wanted me to be, I withdrew into myself and began to hate myself, which made him hate me more.

Now that I have a relationship with him where this is absolutely no sex, I can see how he feels about me. Without sex, there are no sweet words, no booty rubs or kindness. You can really see what a man is all about when you are not having sex with him.

What do I have against men?

Where’s my father figure?

Oh yeah, I do have a biological father right here in Miami but I didn’t know him until I was 23. In fact, I still don’t know him and don’t really want to. Dude is so emotional. I’m not used to men being like that with me. You want a hug? You want me to call you Daddy? LMAO! Yeah right. The only time I use the word Daddy is when I’m talkin dirty after dark.

But secretly, I’m yearning for a strong man to hold me close. To affirm me. To tell me that I am beautiful and that everything will be okay. To stand with me against my baby daddy so I won’t feel so uninformed and alone.

What do I have against men?

It’s my Stepfather, man. He has singlehandedly set the standard for how I allow men to treat me in my life. Notice that I wrote, “how I allow”? Yeah, I do believe it’s a choice. A choice that I am changing as we speak. Because he was so harsh, so frank, so critical, I seem to attract the same type of men and I accept it, because his actions set the standard for my definition of love.

But no more. If a black cats crosses my path while I’m even considering ‘liking’ a man, I will STOP TALKING TO HIM IMMEDIATELY. No more rough joking, no more ‘pushing me to improve.’ No more disapproving speeches. I am D.O.N.E.

But the crazy part is, little by little I have come to realize that all the things my stepfather said about men, are true. It’s wild but when I was little I had this fantasy in my mind of someone out there made just for me. And I thought men wanted to know me and be blessed by me and bless me back, but my Stepfather diffused that irrational thought. One day he told me, “Dating is just picking a DAY to MATE (f**k).”

Now ain’t that the the truth?

What do I have against men?

Ask my former Pastor.

We were so close. So tight. So cool. We talked everyday. Until I didn’t want to be a part of his church anymore. I think it’s been about a year since I spoke to him. Wow, it’s been a year since I’ve moved to Miami. Coincidence? Not. Men want you to do what THEY want you to do, when you don’t you’re OUT!

What do I have against men?

My body.

Damn. I can’t help it. Regardless of all this crap and all this proof that men are just a waste of time and out to take and not give, I STILL want one of their punk asses.

Why? Why? Why?

I don’t know.

I am bitter, yes I am. But inside, in the dark, dark recesses, where I won’t let anyone stop by or take a peek, I have a glimmer of hope that one day, one man will break through my insecurities and wrestle with me to prove me wrong.

~smirking~ Child please.

We’ll see…

Looking Ahead

It stormed so badly last night that I was forced away from my addiction, The Internet, for about an hour. I was devastated. First of all, my boys were already asleep and then the electricity kept flickering so I had to turn out all the lights.

So I’m sitting there on my bed and I’m not sleepy and it’s completely dark in my house. That felt so weird. So I did exactly what my Mama always told me NOT to do- I got on the phone. Yep, I called my friend Sylvia who ALWAYS has a wild crazy story to tell me and yes she sure delivered.

Since my boys will be spending the weekend with their father for Father’s Day, I plan to have as much fun as I can in the next two nights and three days. I am even taking a half day today just to get a head start on my weekend. I have multiple plans with multiple friends because with chicks, they’re so fickle, you always have to have a back up.

I am invited to a dinner party at my friend Andy’s house tonight. That is my first choice. He throws great parties. My second option is hanging with Sylvia at my place, just drinking and laughing. I also made my friend Dianna feel very guilty about not hanging with me in, oh, 5 days, so she said she’d hang with me on Friday night too.

I’m not worried, SOMEONE is gonna punk out on me. And I already asked Andy if I could bring a friend to his party and he said, “Sure, you know I’m a freak. I can handle you all.” LOL! He’s so dumb!

So everyone knows how much I love my job as a Development Coordinator. I LOVE IT! Right now, I’m more administrative support but I love being a support person because I love to serve others and I’m paid pretty well for what I do. But I can see Development/Fundraising as a potential long term career for me until my plan to take over the world goes into effect.

I am so excited about it too! I mean, my heart is in developing new businesses and helping them to present a professional image. My job at the newspaper gave me a lot of practice at that and this job at this private school is teaching me so much about going the extra mile to serve the parents (constituents) who will in turn take care of us when we take care of them.

Although I love this school and all the people here and my director and my co-workers and the parties and the food, I know that this is not my resting place. Sometimes I wish I was the type of person to just get settled and sit down but I’m not. I’m always looking toward the future. And in my future I see myself becoming the Director of Development for a Non-Profit organization. Maybe a school like the one I am at now, except I’d like to work at a Black private school like the one my kids go to. Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll start my own Non-profit and work to further a cause that is near to my heart, support for single parents and their families.

Non-profit work does not pay much but you DO get paid plus you know you’re making a difference in someone’s life. I feel all of that at my private school but I know that there are more people out there who need a helping hand. I am so excited about the task ahead of me. I am so excited about my future. I am so excited about the people I will reach through my writing and my speaking.

I guess I’m kinda excited about life, period. LOL!

Life is good. This weekend is gonna be great and I’m having fun planning my son’s 3rd birthday party which will actually take place on MY birthday in a couple of weeks.

Sending positive vibes your way on a beautiful Friday morning.