Author: TPatterson

So I’m on skype and I get a ring from Kish and I’m happy because it’s been about 5 months since I skyped with her and we chat and chat and it’s awesome and I’m feeling a bit normal but not really.

We talk about her new boyfriend, school, her new job in Switzerland, her shopping in Italy and her BIG ASS AFRO and all I have to talk about is my project and I don’t really have anything good to say about it except I’m trying to think of a way to forget about it all.

I don’t want to write a book or a do any interviews about it. I just, I don’t even know what I want. I want to put it all behind me because that shit wasn’t fun at all and nothing good came out of it for me.

And I’m tired. Too tired.

“I want you to try to have some fun,” she said.

I laughed. “Yeah. Me too.”

Fun? What’s that?

My head hurts.

The good thing is- I skyped again. I’m just starting to feel somewhat like me again.

Yeah boy!

I am feeling so FREE right now. I just took a LONG walk to downtown to tie up the loose ends of my project and then I went to the grocery store and picked up some things. I bought some Ensure, cuz, well, I don’t know why but it’s supposed to be healthy. I bought some green tea cuz, I don’t know. It sounded good.

Now, my next personal project is to become healthier in my body. I don’t know how to do this but in my mind I am the type of woman who likes to run for fun and who eats healthy food and takes care of her body. I don’t have anyone in my life who lives like this so I have no one to ask for advice on how to start but I’ll do the research and try some different things and see what happens.

Water. I’ll start with water. I’ll try to drink a glass of water everyday.

And, I’ll stop smoking at some point and I’ll write about it and you can follow along if you’d like.

I am SO SO SO SO PROUD of myself for finishing that damn project! That wasn’t fun at all, but I stuck with it until the end and now I know I can finish something when I put my mind to it.

I accept that I will not get along with most people in the world.

I accept that the majority of people who get to know me will dislike me because I have no desire to appease them and I am not looking for their acceptance or approval.

I am sooo happy though!

I can clap for myself!

Clap it up! LOL

I’m gonna take a nap and listen to some Erykah Badu. she relaxes me.

I’ll be blogging on overtime so stay tuned. Blogging is the only time I can actually say what I have to say with no censorship.

Yippeee!

I’m looking forward to a healthier me!

For those who didn’t keep up with my project lots of crazy stuff happened to me over the past 4 months, most of which I’ll end up referencing at some point but for now I want to talk about my biggest fear.

If you “know” me through my blog you’ve seen over the years how I’ve been running away from relationships and sabotaging on purpose because I’m afraid of being hurt again after my BBDD.

So anyway, it’s almost 10 years since I’ve been without a boyfriend or any sign of love and I wear that label like a badge of honor. I feel like it makes me special or something.

So anyway, during my project I met an older man who made my heart sing. Just the THOUGHT of him made me extremely joyful and when I’d see him, oh boy, my pussy was thumping and I was all kind of goo goo even though I disguised it by acting like a brat.

Of course I managed to push him away too, before I could even have secks with him, which is a first for me. I usually have secks first then strategize on how to push the guy away. He never even tried to touch me.

So anyway, today I was thinking of him. As usual my imaginary love affairs are so strong and so vibrant that they cause me to feel glee. Through today’s glee, I came up with an idea for my next project.

What if I decided to remain single for another 10 years? What if I made it my goal not to be in a committed relationship with anyone for 10 more years? How could I document this creatively?

As I thought about it the fireworks went off in my heart and relief swept over me. It felt like a big safety was pulled out for me and I started dancing around. What reasons could I give for doing this project besides the REAL reasons which are:

I hate desiring the company of someone because I hate feeling rejected when they can’t come.

I absolutely despise hearing about my friend’s relationships and the drama they go through and I don’t want to be like any of them at all.

I’m too afraid that allowing someone to get to know the real me will result in rejection.

I’m comfortable feeling the self pity of being unloved.

I don’t see what people get out of it.

I like doing shit that normal people don’t do.

Anyway, I think I’ll work something out because I think this will be a great project for me. While I’m working on staying single I’ll study relationships and couples and come up with awesome books and seminars and stuff.Gosh. I so look forward to studying relationships again. That survival shit was for the birds.

Two decades of being single on PURPOSE because I’m afraid AND to see how much fun I can have alone. I think I can do it. In fact, I’ll make it a project for my book blog.



I have to focus because this decade coming I’ll be side stepping relationships on purpose not like last time when I was creating havoc in my relationships out of neediness.

Yes, I am in love with love but making sure that other women don’t end up like me by exploring the inner issues that keep love away is a fantastic way to give back to this world.

Guess who I just spoke with?

Sylvia ol raggedy ass. That hoe stopped speaking to me more than 6 months ago.

“I was annoyed and irritated with you,” she said and laughed.

“I know. I don’t care. What’s up with you girl?”

I am so relieved to hear that Sylvia finished her masters in nursing school and is now looking for a job. In the meantime, the man she met a little over 6 months ago is happily taking care of her and she is accepting it and appreciating it.

“Tell me what he does,” I asked her.

“Girl, first of all, I live with him rent free and while I’m looking for a job he is very understanding. He says when I get a job not to worry about paying bills and we’ll work something out when the time comes.”

“Awww,” I squeal. “He ain’t gonna let you pay NO BILLS HOE!”

She laughs.

“Tee, you don’t know how it feels that he meets my needs even before I ask him. I wake up in the morning and he’s gone to work and I open my purse and he’s put $100 for the day in it. I get to go shopping with my friends and hang out all day.”

WHAT?!!!!! That’s MY motherfucking dream! Damn!

“Do you love him?” I ask her.

“I don’t know what love is,” she replies. I roll my eyes but of course she can’t see that. I want to lecture her but she has come such a long way from being debbie downer that I am just so happy to hear that she’s so happy.

“Does he love you?”

“Yes, he does,” she says with certainty.

“Duh. I told you that when you guys first met.”

Then I told her about the project and she admitted that she knew about it because she had been reading my blog which I don’t remember giving her the link to. She admitted she googled it to see what was going on with me and to make sure I was okay.

“Did you read about me and Tamara?” I asked her, referring to my break up with my child hood best friend.

“Yeah. You were talking bad about her on your blog. I wondered if you would do that to me.”

“I was just really hurt over the whole thing,” I admitted. “I know that I have been frustrated by our friendship for some time and I used to try to talk to her and tell her that I felt like our friendship was holding us back from growing but she said she didn’t think that was true. By the time the thing happened when she didn’t buy my book and I knew that if it were the guy she was trying to hook she would have been his first and biggest supporter I felt then that she took me for granted and I guess it was my opportunity to let go.”

“Honestly,” I continued. “I don’t regret it. I mean, I didn’t cry when you and I stopped speaking because I guess I knew it wasn’t permanent but with Tamara I cried for 3 days straight and I felt like someone ripped away my security blanket. It was hard because her presence defines every part of my past but honestly, I don’t want to be the person I was when we were friends. I felt like we were helping each other be weak and I don’t want to be that person anymore.”

I don’t. I want to be this grown lady I see in my mind. This grown lady is supertight. She runs for fun and eats healthy. She gets her nails and hair done every week. She runs her own business and has performances that she does on the side just because she wants to. She is an inspiration to many and her sons are so proud to call her mom. She has a dominant man by her side who delights in protecting her and taking care of her, surprising her with his ability to please her and his priority everyday is making her smile. She also has a girlfriend on the side that she takes care of and she delights in making her smile and seeing that all of her dreams keep coming true.

Yeah, that’s what kind of woman I see myself being. Not some whiny- “I hope he likes me” kind of woman who is afraid to take a risk and has a “she’s better than me” attitude about certain women.

I aint never met a bitch that was badder than me! honestly!

I’m an all around superstar. I’ve always been. I just, needed to allow it to come to the surface.

I’m still working on it and I can’t wait to meet great friends to share that life with.

Dear God,

What happened to Sylvia?

She seems like a whole new person. We have been talking and texting and talking and NEVER has she complained once. She hasn’t spoken a negative word and she actually sees the bright side of everything.

~scratching head~

Harpo- Who dis woman?

I am absolutely speechless. She and I used to go head to head arguing over her view of the world.

“This whole world is all fucked up,” she’d say.

Now I AM the one who holds this viewpoint while she’s busy studying precognition and indigo children and being a light in the world. Sylvia NEVER used to open her mind to any new ideas because she believed it was all evil and now, she’s expanding in ways that make me wanna scream with delight. I can actually talk to her about EVERYTHING and send her links and give her stuff to look up and she enjoys it. I mean, WOW!

I’m trying to figure out what happened during the time we weren’t speaking but all I can tell is that once she met this man who is patient with her spoils her and treats her like a queen, she has a whole new perspective on life.

“We make each other become better people,” she said to me.

I can tell.

Wow.

Today started off horribly with an anxiety attack at work and then working hard to release the shame of having that happen all day. Finally, just 30 minutes until midnite, it’s ending up pretty good.

I just did laundry and took a shower. I made myself some green tea and now I’m going to have some form of dinner before leaning back on my BED and brainstorming features for my site.

I smell good. My clothes do too. All day long I find myself smelling my clothes. They don’t smell like cheap cigarettes anymore. I’m amazed by that. I bought dryer sheets. Downy. The good stuff. I take very good care of myself.

I’m working on stopping smoking. I realize that smoking to me, is akin to relaxing and when I have nothing else to do, like I’m idle, I run to smoke, to fill the space. After drinking the green tea, it made me relax and I want to discover which herbs and teas help me to relax so I can switch the cigarette habit for the drinking tea. I hope it works. As I drank the tea, I didn’t need to smoke.

I have been breaking out in pimples from eating so many brownie sundaes at work. Those things only cost me $1.58 and they make me so happy! LOL Now I have to figure out what things I want to improve about my body. I like everything and am not ashamed of it anymore but there has to be some kind of regimine I can develop for preventitive measures.

The only thing physically wrong with me is my right hand. It freezes up sometimes and I lose my strength in it. It’s from all the years of typing, I guess. My Mama says that is what happened to her when they diagnosed her with carpal tunnel syndrome. She says I need a wrist brace and a ball to squeeze for exercise.

My calves hurt too, but that’s from all the running around I do as a waitress. I find that in my off time I still run around like that. I’m constantly pacing and walking fast and quick to pick things up. I can’t stand to see a table with dirty dishes on it. It’s like a sin. Even though, I’m not gonna WASH the dishes, i just can’t see them on the table.

I’m breathing deeply right now. Inhale. Exhale. I’m shaking off the cobwebs from my brain and trying to get back to my creative self. I am so proud of all the videos I made during the project. Every one of them looks great to me and really shows off my talent. I’m so shocked I was able to focus enough to do all that when I was under that amount of stress.

While I was homeless, I would fantasize about a time like this where I would be in my bed in the airconditioning on my laptop, just blogging away but I felt so stuck like it would never get here. I am glad I got roommates instead of getting my own place because now business is slower at work so we get less hours and I would have been stressing trying to keep up with my bills.

My roommates and I are getting used to each other. They leave me alone and let me come around when I want to. In return, I come around more because I don’t feel pressured.

My bed is SO BIG! I feel like a queen in it and everytime I wake up I can’t help but smile thinking about how I slept on the ground on a patio for most of the 4 months I was in the homeless shelter. All the stinky smelling men right next to me. All the cigarette smoke. I dealt with it and I came out of it.

I’m trying to put it behind me but homelessness had a big impact on my psyche. It made me like people way less and everyone I met through that project, I no longer want to have anything to do with.

I have no desires for my life anymore. I mean, I’d love to have a car again someday. But even more I just want to continue to work my website and be a blessing. All the ways I wanted help, I want to give. I want to meet good people who are honest and I want to feel safe at some point.

Today i was talking to my sister and I told her, “I feel like there’s nobody in this world to trust. I feel like everyone has someone that they feel is more important than me. When I put everyone FIRST, even before MYSELF, no one ever puts me first. No one cares that much about me.”

She was like, “That’s sad you feel that way but I understand. It’s because everyone has a family. You wouldn’t put anyone before your boys.”

So I’m hoping to experience the opposite. I hope to have an experience where my presence and well being is put first. maybe I can even do this for myself.

Hmm. Maybe this can be my next project after the one I’m doing next month which will be very beneficial if you try it along with me.

Am I becoming addicted to doin projects/outreaches? ~smiling~

I love it!

And NONE, will ever, EVER be as devastating as the first. ~wink~

Piece of cake.

Man. This is the life.

I’m in bed in my favorite (and only) night gown. No underwear. Bag of Smart White cheddar popcorn, some blue gatorade and my laptop at my fingertips.

I sigh up at the ceiling as the air conditioning blows a cool breeze on me.

This is the life.

I finally found my safe place. I can hear the words repeat themselves in my mind.

My safe place.

I’ve been searching for it everywhere. In every job I have. In every person I take a risk and allow into my life. I’ve looked and I’ve looked but nothing feels better than when I am completely alone.

I don’t bother anyone. No one bothers me.

I only have to speak when I feel like it. I can create to my heart’s content. I don’t have to worry about how my personality affects others or how their critical ways and evil intentions impact me.

I can be my REAL self and no one complains. I can dream or be pitiful or plan or do nothing at all.

My safe place is with myself.

I’m trying not to feel like this is wrong or that others have it better because they find safety in the company of other people. I have felt safe around others but it doesn’t last long. That voice in my head and the feeling in my heart warns me to stay away or go back and be alone and it’s right.

I never feel this full, this complete, this at peace when I am with anyone else- except my sons.

Outside of them, being around people feels wrong.

And so I enjoy this ME time, sometimes quiet, sometimes loud if I turn the radio on and start singing.

And I get to interrupt my ME time when I have to go to work, but 6-8 hours later, I’m back to being with ME again and I feel good again.

This feels so good to me. I love being with myself.

Right now I really want some warm food. Like, I want some warm tasty food that someone cooked instead of microwaved. But of course I ain’t doin it.

Anyway, today I have the night off so all day I’ve been randomly watching inspirational vids on youtube and trying to organize my next project. This challenge had me all excited until an internet friend of mine hit me up on fb and told me, “Tee, I have to rebuild my life! I don’t know where to start!”

I was like, “Hollup bitch. I just did a whole SERIES on that! Ugh! You better go watch those videos.”

Then I told her about September’s project- the Say YES Challenge where we’ll learn how to say YES to what life has to offer. She replied by saying, “That sounds really hard, Tee.”

Which made me think a little about all the BAD that could happen. Then I started to get nervous. I mean, I was thinking I would be pushed out of my comfort zone just a little bit by social invitations because I hate socializing but nothing much more major than that. But when she shared her nervous energy with me I started thinking about all the other shit I hate to do- like date men.

Fuck. What if a man asks me out on a date? Fuck. I’ll HAVE to go sit down with his old raggedy ass and listen to him goo goo over how pretty I am but then have nothing else to say. I hate that shit.

Last man I went out with told me, “You’re very important to me, Tee.” When I asked him why he was quiet for a minute and then said, “Because you’re very beautiful.”

My heart sank but I played it off and laughed and tried to make a joke. They all want me because I’m beautiful but once they have me within arms length they don’t know what they fuck to do or how to handle me and its very simple but nobody knows how to handle me. So now let’s just hope I don’t meet any new men during this project because that’s gonna hurt my heart to have to sit through that.

And I hope no crazy shit happens that causes me to cry or be upset. I really just want to enjoy life. You know, 5 bars of wi fi, brownies and icecream, hugs from my boys- good stuff.

In fact, I was talking to Sylvia today and she’s still on her spiritual evolution. I let her do her thing and don’t lead but it’s amazing to me that most of the theories she’s JUST being introduced to, I’ve studied extensively for years. I could never talk to her about any of it because she’d say, “That sounds like the devil to me, so I don’t wanna believe it.” LOL She was so funny!

Today she said, “I read a little bit about Buddhism and they were talking about not desiring anything. How could anyone do that? I mean, really. Not have a desire for ANYTHING.”

“That’s where I am right now,” I confided. “It’s not like there aren’t things I would like to happen like having a car or making more money but really there’s not a job that I want and I don’t want to leave Denny’s. I don’t want to move from here. I don’t need to do something GREAT anymore. I just want to have 5 bars of wi-fi at some point and be able to eat everyday and I’m good.”

It’s true. Like. I still get to make videos and write articles and I have more time to myself now that I’m a server and not in grad school. I don’t get to have my own place but my roommates never knock on my door and they don’t bother me so I’m happy about the privacy. For however long they want me here or however long Denny’s allows me to stay- I’ll stay. If they ever ask me to leave, I’m not attached, I’ll leave but I’m not TRYING to go anywhere. I just want to sit here, see my kids, pay my bills, write my articles and do my videos and just focus on eliminating those ideas I have in my mind that make me dislike myself.

That’s all. ANything else that happens- is on the Universe- cuz I’m not trying hard for anything anymore.

“I miss you too, Mommy.” That’s what my son just said. It made me cry because I’ve been feeling kind of pressured these past few days. I feel pressured to handle my issues and make them better to I can teach others how to be better.

I wish I was a better mom.

I wish I was a better person.

I wish I didn’t have the outlook I now have on life. I wish I was one of those silly random happy traveling witty people who make funny jokes and are into clothes and going out to parties and shopping.

I’m such a serious person. The only time I’m lighthearted is when I am serving. I love the feeling because it’s not about ME. It’s about making sure that the people I’m serving are having a good time and smile when they leave.

I love doing that. I love when they write me compliment cards without me having to say anything about it. I get quite a few.

I’m not the BEST server, but I do enjoy it.

Anyway, it’s almost time for me to go to work. I’m all geared up for my next project that begins next week but its the month AFTER that has me perplexed. I know I don’t have to do a project every month but I have been looking forward to October for a long time- it marks the 10 year anniversary of me being single.

I wanted to do something special- like break free of the belief that I am unloveable or maybe teach women something awesome about love and relationships but I haven’t figured out what that is yet.

I’ll keep thinking and hopefully I’ll figure out a way to make something good out of my bad perspective.

Overall, I had a good day. I ate icecream and hung out in bed all day. What more could I want?