Today started off horribly with an anxiety attack at work and then working hard to release the shame of having that happen all day. Finally, just 30 minutes until midnite, it’s ending up pretty good.
I just did laundry and took a shower. I made myself some green tea and now I’m going to have some form of dinner before leaning back on my BED and brainstorming features for my site.
I smell good. My clothes do too. All day long I find myself smelling my clothes. They don’t smell like cheap cigarettes anymore. I’m amazed by that. I bought dryer sheets. Downy. The good stuff. I take very good care of myself.
I’m working on stopping smoking. I realize that smoking to me, is akin to relaxing and when I have nothing else to do, like I’m idle, I run to smoke, to fill the space. After drinking the green tea, it made me relax and I want to discover which herbs and teas help me to relax so I can switch the cigarette habit for the drinking tea. I hope it works. As I drank the tea, I didn’t need to smoke.
I have been breaking out in pimples from eating so many brownie sundaes at work. Those things only cost me $1.58 and they make me so happy! LOL Now I have to figure out what things I want to improve about my body. I like everything and am not ashamed of it anymore but there has to be some kind of regimine I can develop for preventitive measures.
The only thing physically wrong with me is my right hand. It freezes up sometimes and I lose my strength in it. It’s from all the years of typing, I guess. My Mama says that is what happened to her when they diagnosed her with carpal tunnel syndrome. She says I need a wrist brace and a ball to squeeze for exercise.
My calves hurt too, but that’s from all the running around I do as a waitress. I find that in my off time I still run around like that. I’m constantly pacing and walking fast and quick to pick things up. I can’t stand to see a table with dirty dishes on it. It’s like a sin. Even though, I’m not gonna WASH the dishes, i just can’t see them on the table.
I’m breathing deeply right now. Inhale. Exhale. I’m shaking off the cobwebs from my brain and trying to get back to my creative self. I am so proud of all the videos I made during the project. Every one of them looks great to me and really shows off my talent. I’m so shocked I was able to focus enough to do all that when I was under that amount of stress.
While I was homeless, I would fantasize about a time like this where I would be in my bed in the airconditioning on my laptop, just blogging away but I felt so stuck like it would never get here. I am glad I got roommates instead of getting my own place because now business is slower at work so we get less hours and I would have been stressing trying to keep up with my bills.
My roommates and I are getting used to each other. They leave me alone and let me come around when I want to. In return, I come around more because I don’t feel pressured.
My bed is SO BIG! I feel like a queen in it and everytime I wake up I can’t help but smile thinking about how I slept on the ground on a patio for most of the 4 months I was in the homeless shelter. All the stinky smelling men right next to me. All the cigarette smoke. I dealt with it and I came out of it.
I’m trying to put it behind me but homelessness had a big impact on my psyche. It made me like people way less and everyone I met through that project, I no longer want to have anything to do with.
I have no desires for my life anymore. I mean, I’d love to have a car again someday. But even more I just want to continue to work my website and be a blessing. All the ways I wanted help, I want to give. I want to meet good people who are honest and I want to feel safe at some point.
Today i was talking to my sister and I told her, “I feel like there’s nobody in this world to trust. I feel like everyone has someone that they feel is more important than me. When I put everyone FIRST, even before MYSELF, no one ever puts me first. No one cares that much about me.”
She was like, “That’s sad you feel that way but I understand. It’s because everyone has a family. You wouldn’t put anyone before your boys.”
So I’m hoping to experience the opposite. I hope to have an experience where my presence and well being is put first. maybe I can even do this for myself.
Hmm. Maybe this can be my next project after the one I’m doing next month which will be very beneficial if you try it along with me.
Am I becoming addicted to doin projects/outreaches? ~smiling~
I love it!
And NONE, will ever, EVER be as devastating as the first. ~wink~
Piece of cake.