Author: TPatterson

I am living in a homeless shelter.

But this is better than living on the streets. My fears of homelessness are now gone because I have done so much research that I know that I can survive.

A man was kicked out tonight. He says it was because he gave a needle to another resident but others say he is always drunk. Well, he is. The day we shot his portion of my documentary he had 3 beers and one shot of alcohol.

He offered me a shot and I said, “It’s the middle of the day. Whatever feeling you want me to experience, I have no desire for it.”

“It’s not a feeling I’m trying to experience,” he said. “It’s something I’m trying to maintain.”

When I meet drug addicted individuals it is enough for me to not want to drink or do any drugs. yes, getting high was fun back in college but I see it as an escape mechanism to get out of life early.

We’re already killing ourselves with chemicals in foods and everyday household items. Smoking and drinking just does it faster.

I am grateful to be here. I am grateful for doing this project even though nothing good has come of it yet.

I am grateful everyday because I am a journalist again even though I do not have a paycheck. I am grateful that I am alive and I am smart and I have sons who love me.

I would love a bed and a nice clean shower and a hug but for now, I am okay with things the way they are. I am safe. I am okay.

I’m okay.

I’m trying not to cry.

I feel hopeless for just a moment. The shelter is full. People are being turned away. I ate so well today but I am sick, I have a cold and I’ve drank two cups of theraflu and I’m still achy.

This man next to me is annoying me and I feel like I don’t belong here and I’ll never be able to escape. I know I’m supposed to be strong and I’m trying to be the person I’m supposed to be but I feel like I’m stuck and this is bullshit I’m doing and I guess I’m just having a moment but I can’t call anyone because I don’t want to burden anyone because this was my choice.

I’m in a fuckin shelter. I could be on the streets. I know. I should be grateful but I am scared and I am feeling a little paranoid and I’m scared of not being able to pull myself out of this.

So now you know what’s inside my head right now.

I’m trying to teach women not to be afraid but I AM afraid right now.

I am sitting with Chris, one of the residents of the shelter. He is constantly making me laugh with random comments.

I am going to sit here and write down the wild stuff he says.

“I told you I know Danny Glover!”

“You only get to die once or twice.”

“Gary Senise is in the north parking lot and he’s been following me for 10 years. He’s in my family. He knows my whole family!”

“All you f*** women had your penis’s cut off to become men!”

“You remember the night when I stayed outside and slept outside of the building and I stuck the shotgun in my mouth and blew my brains out the back of my head?”

“F*** I gotta go take a shower. I got peanut butter all over my ears!”

Calling the front office of the shelter, “What room am I in?”

“And you wanna know why I’m goin from group home to group home.”

I sit with him everyday just so I can smile. =)

I have like, so much shit to say in my head and I have no one to talk to about it cuz it’s no one’s concern.

I have like, so much anger in my heart towards myself for my past and i wish I could have been different somehow so I could have some people in my corner right now because this is hard being alone and thinking by myself and not having any instructions on how to do this right.

I can’t even think of anyone I could call to ask for advice. That’s the hard part. I want to ask for help, well, I really DONT want to ask for help, but I need to. I need help.

I don’t know who to call and I have issues with asking men for help.

My heart is literally hurting as I type this but in my mind I’m hearing, “Just before the demonstration it seems all hope is lost.”

Which basically means maybe I am feeling depressed and lost because something good and wonderful is about to happen.

I’m used to losing. I’m used to not achieving long term success. I’m used to being hungry. I’m used to people getting mad at me and not supporting me because they are mad that I walk away from doing what they want me to do.

I’m used to being talked about and criticized cuz chicks are insecure around me.

I’m used to all that.

But THIS time, when I’m trying to do something good and I can’t seem to find the right key to fit the lock- I’m upset with myself.

What more can I do?

I find myself praying and you know how I feel about prayer. I feel like my prayers are fake these days.

I’m wondering if there is even anyone to pray TO.

And I wish I had someone I respected to discuss all this with instead of someone who will just regurgitate what their Mama told them to believe. I wish I had someone who had independent thoughts and were open minded and smart and strategic in business.

I am smart. I know that. I am talented. I know that. The only thing I lack is the connections, the IN that most people have that allows them the opportunity to show what they can do.

I’m trying. But I’m feeliing pain in my chest because I’m carrying all this shit by myself and my kids are waiting for me to be a success and my mama and I’m waiting too.

But I don’t see it.

And all I want is a hug. Or maybe just to masterbate.

I just want a hug.

And I’m tired.

I’m alright.

I just needed to vent. Sorry.

I must be going crazy.

Last night just before I fell asleep I saw a very handsome man sitting in a chair near my bench. He was dark skinned and had an earring in his ear. He looked like he was wearing a suit. I don’t like to look men in the face because I don’t want them to think I am interested so I didnt STARE at him.

I went to sleep and when I woke up, he was gone.

In the morning I woke up and he was sitting near my bench. I shook my head and closed my eyes. When I woke back up he was gone.

I asked around about a man in a business suit and no one says there is one here.

No man that looks like that ever comes here? Everyone says No.

But I SAW him. I saw him more than once last night. He wasn’t all that CUTE, but he was distinguished I think. There HAS to be one.

Am I going crazy?