Author: TPatterson

Live from Miami, Florida

And five hours later she arrives in Miami, tired but excited to drive her new car and settle into her new home.

How can a five hour drive seem to put me in a place that seems worlds apart from where I have come from? I know that less than 24 hours ago I was in Gainesville eating icecream with Mimi, while I cried my eyes out and proclaimed my hopes for the future. Now, that moment seems so far away. Like it happened years ago instead of last night.

On my last night in Gainesville I got my lil brother to watch my sons while I went to church to say goodbye to the people I knew. As I stood in the back of my last college service I surveyed the crowd and noticed that most of the people there were there before I came. They had all made our church their home and our members their family. I couldnt imagine any of them ever leaving and until 4 weeks ago, I couldnt imagine myself leaving either.

My church was a cool place to be. There was no strut your stuff agenda at my church. It was really about receiving from God and loving each other like brothers and sisters. No one cared who was best dressed or who drove the nicest car. No pressure to look nicer than anyone else. I could show up precise one day and then the next day come rugged with no makeup and a baseball cap. I would probably get teased a little but I wasn’t judged for it.

So I tearfully said my goodbyes one by one before it was time for me to go. Then it actually happened, I came face to face with the man I held so close to my heart for almost two years, but never said a word to him about it. I had to say goodbye to him too.

With a hearty hug and a promise to keep in touch, I now have closure. I have a peace. Whatever will be will be. It’s not up to me. It’s up to God anyway so there’s no use worrying myself over it.

And right now I dont have time to worry about it because sister girl doesnt have a real JOB! Im trying to calm my panicky heart, but from up there in Gainesville, sitting in my own crib, eating good and burning up the unlimited long distance it was much easier to say I TRUST GOD.

I wish I could just flash an empty wallet like Stacey Dash did in the All Falls Down video with Kanye West and have a wad of cash pressed into my empty palm. DAMN THOSE VIDEOS!

I spent my last 60 bucks on groceries today and my lil sis gave me some spending money which I will use to buy diapers and register the boys for daycare. I know its natural to have a little anxiety when you’re in a situation where you can’t see how you’re gonna make it through, but man, I got the shakes.

I’m scared. I am. But at least I’m not alone. My parents got my back and most importantly God has my back. He’s not going to lead me here without provision for my vision. Everything in my heart WILL come to pass. I WILL write, speak and uplift. Today is just the beginning step.

Once I get over this fear I can step up and claim what is mine.

Ahhhhh… I feel so much better. Boy I tell you, more than just an interesting story for you to read, for me writing is like virtual therapy.

Whew.. I’ve been pretty busy but enjoying myself nonetheless.

I didnt want to come down here and totally stop going to church so I made up my mind that I will keep visiting churches until I find a place to join.

I called my friend Dianna who picked me up on Sunday morning- FIRST STOP- New Birth Missionary Baptist Church.

I wasn’t really expecting anything powerful because I knew that this church was huge but my girl said she loved the word and everytime my friend Mimi visited Miami she attended church there and was spiritually fed. The fact that it is only two blocks away from my house made it more appealing.

I looked around and smiled at all of the chocolate faces. Nice to see a room full of beautiful black people. The worship service began and the choir sang and the dancers danced and the announcers made announcements. I was looking at my watch thinking, “Dang, it’s taking a long time to get to the word.” I was hungry for it. I wanted a word from the Lord.

But oh was it worth the wait! When the man of God stepped onto that platform and began to speak I got shivers. God’s presence was very strong. My first day out and God blessed me with a might good word.

You know what else? My boys LOVE it here! They learned what the word cousin means and all day everyday they ask me to take them to see their cousins so they can play with them. We actually have family! This is something I’m not used to. Up in G-ville, it was just me and my boys everyday. What a blessing family is! This is unreal.

Last night I left and hung out with Anna until 12:30am. My mama watched the boys and was delighted to do it. DELIGHTED! I went out and hung out with my friend. Someone else watched my kids. It wasn’t an emergency either. It was for pleasure. That’s unbelievable.

Today I got blessed with new rims for my car and new tires all for $225 and I remember I’m flat broke! I know, I can’t believe it either. I keep thinking that something weird is going on here. I’m having a hard time accepting that God is blessing me so much. I didnt really do anything to deserve it.

The only thing left is to get a good job. And I’m not stressed about that at all. I know it’s coming. This lady at the Miami Times is taking her time bringing me on…I dont know why. I just have to chill and wait. I still have my column.

Actually my column is due tomorrow. I have a writing partner who writes his own column about a topic, then he sends it to me and I counter it. It’s like a debate; he presents one side, I present the other. When I spoke with him after our debut columns he said it was unanimous, everyone thought I “whooped his azz”. So he promised to bring his A-game next time. Child please, he ain’t ready!

This man just emailed me this week’s topic and I’m flabbergasted. Why did he write about why he prefers dating white women over black women? Man….I have to be eloquent without showing my ghetto side. I have to represent Christ and bring unity and not discord. But child please, this nicca CRAZY!

I’ll have to think hard about this one. It’ll come to me in the wee hours of the night. I’ll try to figure out a way to allow you all to be able to read both of our columns, either by me scanning them or whatever. I’ll see.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Wow. You guys I am usually a very articulate person but mere words can not decribe how happy I am right now.

I am deliriously happy! I’m so happy to be living with my parents again. I’m so happy to be able to see my cousins and get to know their children. I am so happy that I have so much family around me and everyone wants to love on me and my sons. I never felt so loved before. I never felt like I belonged like this before.

Remember how afraid I was about moving? Well, right now I have so much joy and peace its amazing.

If you’re trying to hear from God follow your peace. It really really works! No more bondage for me.

Remember when Will Smith sang that song? “Welcome to Miami, Bienvenido a Miami”?

Well, all that mess he was singing about ain’t in Miami. $100,000 cars? Yeah right. Everybody got a putt-putt or a Monte Carlo. And no matter what kind of car people are driving, they ALL got nice rims. Thats crazy! Picture an old delapidated 81 Toyota Corolla; it will have nice big spinning rims on it!

Everyone dresses in such bright colors and always color coordinated. If there are three colors in a guys shirt his sneakers have the exact same three colors in them.

Whats different is that there are so many hispanics now. Like my mama lives in Opa Locka and before I left for college there werent any Hispanics on the block, now there are only a few black families. The flea market, you know USA over on 27th, man its been taken over by fly papi’s and mami’s. I took my boys over there to get a haircut and I was so shocked, the chico’s even have their own baber shop.

What a lovely site! Me gusta los chicos.

Driving around Miami is wild! Everything is so far away. In G-ville, I went to Walmart everyday to enjoy the low prices. When I got here I looked at my lil sister crazy because she wanted to go to Eckerd and buy something. Everyone knows that Eckerd has higher prices than Walmart. I never shop there. But when I got in the car to find Walmart I almost fell asleep at the wheel.

The nearest Walmart is far as HELL! It’s the super Walmart in Hialeah. That thing was beautiful but it was packed with people. I was able to get my diapers and wipes and roll out with no problem though.

I’ve been hanging out with Anna lately. It’s weird because I left Miami when I was 18 and before that we were on lock down so we never really had a chance to hang out as adults. So, it’s like we’re getting to know each other all over again. Although our bond is strong, she has other people that she actually HANGS out with and she has her own interests. And she kinda made me mad by saying that she was scared to take me out with her.

Ok, OK. I am kinda particular about where I go and who I hang out with. Ok, I’m VERY particular, but I dont want to make my girl uncomfortable. I just like to have control of the situation I am in. People say I act like I am the super diva of the world. Man, Im trying to be better. Last night, (A WEEK NIGHT YAY!) we (Anna, her friends and I) went out to Applebees in Pembroke Pines for some Bahama Mama’s and then on to this low-key pool hall for a few games.

It was really cool. Her friends seem nice but I’m not really into letting people into my personal space lately. I mean, if we click from jump then cool, but all that ‘TRY, TRY, FORCE YOURSELF to become friends’ mess that I was advised to do back in G-ville, I’m not EVER gonna do that again. I’m not in bondage anymore. I can like who I want to like and hang out with who I want to hang out with and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Anyway, I’m keeping it on the down low because it took so long but I got the job as the publisher’s assistant at the newspaper. She hired me yesterday. The pay sucks but the opportunity is great and I’m believing God for an increase or a change in my position soon. No big deal unless I make it one.

The big difference between this job and the last one is that the last office was all-white and this office is all-black. These ladies are off the chain! I just stay to myself cuz I really dont know what to say. Plus, I work in a different part of the office from everyone, my office is next to the publisher’s behind a locked door and everyone else is in the main part of the building. I love these ladies. I love their eye rolling and fighting and cursing at each other and their tattoos and their hair styles. I love black people.

Oh yeah, Memorial Weekend is coming up in two weeks. Lots of friends are getting ready because Memorial Weekend in Miami is crazy! I’m not really into all the club stuff but I will definately take a stroll on South Beach to do some people watching.

I have a social life. It’s amazing.

later.

I love my job. Yeah, it doesn’t really pay well but the feeling I get when I come to work makes up for the paycheck. I feel calued. I feel needed. I feel like I have some expertise and most importantly I feel like I’m using my gift.

Man, my heart is filled with so much warmth right now that even if the publisher comes in and goes off, (she’s a wild one!)I wouldn’t care cuz I love being here. I work with all black people. They remind me of my family, they are so wild! I love them! Today we are having a birthday party for all of the March- May birthdays and they are ordering up some crab and rice, macaroni & cheese, collard greens, potatoe salad, baked fish and fried chicken. Wow.

I remember at my old office we had a pot luck and I was going around the buffet table thinking, “What the heck is this?” I didnt even recognize any of that stuff they brought in.

I have a whole HOUR for my lunchbreak and I can go anywhere I want to and yesterday I went over to my friend Andy’s school where he teaches fifth grade and I hung out with him in his class. We ate those big cafeteria cookies! Remember those? It was so good.

Today I was gonna go over to Anna’s school, she teaches 3rd grade I think, but it looks like I can’t since we’re having a party.

Right now, I’m working on a project for a national association of black newspapers. My publisher has to draft a set of ethical standards and guidelines that the association will be run by. She passed the project on to me to get started and I have to write all that professional lingo and sound smart and stuff as I explain why having a set of guidelines is important in newspapers and just what these guidelines are. I have to create everything from scratch. I love it!

I’m also working in marketing and sales. Since there was no real sales team until a few weeks ago, I have to start from scratch by creating a media kit and creating the protocol for the sales team. I called on the expertise of my friends Ruby, Rick and Polly for this one. I was a magazine journalism major and they are the advertising and sales experts. Ruby got her degree in advertising, Rick makes lots of loot in sales and Polly is the former director of corporate support for WUFT-TV/FM, I used to be her personal assistant.

I got great pointers from each of them and I believe I can get a good start. I am a little nervous about sales though. I mean, I always thought I would just dazzle the people with my great writing and get money thrown at me. But this is not gonna be like that, but its my chance to learn a new skill. Can I be a super salesperson?

My column

We’ve been receiving some responses from the community about our column. Basically, we debate each other on topics of interest and so far Hansen presents the radical, controversial side while I present the grounded, spiritual, calm your nerves side. It’s so much fun, but it is very challenging. When he sends me his column it takes me a while to write my response. I always get nervous and freeze up and worry about if I have something intelligent to say. But every time I hit it just right.

Oh yeah, my second column was about letting go of the pursuit of a relationship and pursuing your purpose. Once you focus on your purpose you will meet others who share the same purpose and then you will be united with someone based on interest instead of physical attraction. Makes sense? Yeah. Instead of going out with someone cause they bought you a drink, you can eliminate the whole process of having to see if you have something in common because you will have met that person while you were pursuing your purpose which means more than likely they will have the same purpose as you do.

In a nutshell, line yourself up with God’s purpose for your life and watch as the pursuit of your passion produces a perfect match.

Lord, help me take all this to heart for myself, cuz I sho’ll be like, dang when this nicca gonna act right and bring his behind on ova here? SHOOOOT, cuz a sista need some love too. LOL

Today was a beautiful day in the MIA.

The sun was shining and it wasn’t too hot to go outside so this morning I packed up my sons and went to the beach. I wasn’t worried about them trying to get in the water, they are very cautious and it was a good thing because the rip tides are pulling people under left and right down here. We just ran along the shore and played in the sand while the water kissed out toes.

By the time we got home they were both good and tired so I gave them lunch and messed around and gave them some icecream. I shouldn’t have done that. I had planned to go to a beach party with my friend Andy but my mama told me I couldnt go anywhere until the boys were down for their nap and all that sugar I gave them had them buzzed. Lesson learned: No more icecream before a nap.

After their nap we went to visit my friend Marsha and had a good time. It was just beautiful to sit and watch the boys play while I chilled out and chatted with my homegirl. Dang, it’s the little things that make life happy.

Just as we were about to leave Marsha’s mom comes out and says, “Now don’t you go having sex with anyone down here in Miami, they all have AIDS.”

Dang, what a way to say goodbye. It’s not like I plan to have sex but I haven’t taken an HIV test in a while and I always worry about that. I’m not promiscous anymore but there are always those haunting memories of those times when I should have been more careful.

But what can I do now but wait and see. I’m a worrier. I worry a lot about my past mistakes and those risky behaviors cause me to lose sleep at night. Damn, I wish I wasn’t such a hoe back in the day.

Even since I’ve been in Christ I havent been sleeping around. But the funny thing is, when I have had sex in the past since coming to Christ I feel a lot worse because it is always a one night stand. It’s not like I’m fighting sexual temptation on a daily basis because I dont have a man or a “friend with benefits” but those times I just wanted some affection led to me having sex and I never speak to the guy again because I dont want to have an opportunity to mess up again. So it becomes a one night stand.

I lost a good friend over sex. I refuse to be friends again knowing that we already crossed that line because I dont want to make the same mistake.

But since I have been down here everyone is talking about AIDS and its scaring the mess out of me. I have seen several people that I know who have it and the rumors are that there are so many more that you dont even know about.

I dont have a desire for a new man or anything but that doesnt erase my past mistakes.

As soon as things are settled with my job and the boys school and my car I’m going to take another test. Maybe God will grant me a clean slate. If not, it’ll only be my own fault. Even though God forgives we still have to face the consequences of our actions.

I’m scared, but I have to know, because not knowing hurts just as much.

Get tested for your peace of mind.

Yep, I write almost everyday. I have to. I can’t NOT write. It’s what I do. You know you love it!

Today was the first day in seven weeks that I had some time away from my sons. I really needed it too. Their paternal grandmother picked them up for church and they didn’t come home until 6pm. So I was able to get a good nap before I heard the knock at the door announcing their arrival.

I went to the grocery store before church and I didnt even have to think twice about the route I would take. I’m learning, I’m learning.

I went to church with my baby mama Racole and I flipped out over the role she plays in this church. Racole truly has a servants heart in her church. Homegirl was leading praise and worship, put the mike down and played the drums, put the drums down and was working the speaker system and still gave the scriptural reading for the day. And she wonders why people get upset when she goes away for a weekend, homegirl runs that church! I wouldnt want her to leave either.

She takes ownership of her duties. I respect her so much because she doesnt wait for someone to tell her what to do. She sees a need and she fills it.

You don’t have to wait until someone else tells you to serve. You dont have to wait for God to speak a word to your heart. The need is the call.

If you see a need and you can do something about it then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Don’t just sit up and complain and talk about the problem, SOLVE the problem or make an effort to find someone who can.

I love you so much. You have no idea. You are already a part of me.

Afro Update

Well, I have been happily nappy for about a year and a half now. I used to wear my hair so short I couldnt even pinch it but now I have decided to grow it out like Thelma from ‘Good Times’. It’s not working.

My hair is so nappy and so thick I can’t even comb it unless it’s wet. But when I pick it out it does look nice so I look like a nice young woman until it dries up again and I start looking like a nappy headed freak.

I like my naps though. Sometimes I let it go nappy without combing it as a protest against the norm, or, maybe I’m just lazy.

I like the contrast in my looks, me always one to rage against the people who say I’m the next best thing to a white person since I’m fair skinned and I have green eyes. I’m not white! I am a nappy headed black girl from the City, Liberty City.

I can’t fight, but I look like I can. I’m rough, in spirit.

So, now my nappfro is about 2 inches high. I hope it grows longer because I’m so tempted to cut it all off again and be bald headed. I loved that look, it was so easy to maintain and oh so chic.

I’m hoping for an afro that is long enough that I can wear afro puffs and do cool ethnic styles like braids in the front and puffs in the back and then wear head wraps and scarves and pretty bows to accent my outfits. I have a vision for my hair and if I can be patient, I will see it come to pass.

Visit one of the websites that helped me through my first few months of nappyness. Nappturality.com

I’m happier now that I am natural. I feel like I can get a perm and then cut it off and wear some weave or a wig or whatever. I’m not limited in my options now that I know I look good with anything.

But I think I will stick with my nappfro for a while.

This afternoon I took my lunchbreak and went over to Hadley Park and relaxed a minute.

It was truly a time of reflection as the memories of my childhood flooded my mind.

I remember growing up in Liberty City and going to Hadley Park to play. I remember when Hurricane Andrew hit Miami and we drove through the neighborhood to see the damage. Hadley Park, whose trees were so huge that you could park a car behind a single tree

and it would be hidden, was now filled with skinny little anorexic trees. Hurricane Andrew had demolished them all, leaving huge tree trunks, ripped from the ground by the roots and scattered everywhere.

Despite the loss of human life and the devastation to so many homes across Dade County, the experience of Hurricane Andrew was an exciting one for a skinny 13 year old and her friends. The start of school was postponed due to the crisis and there was no electricity for days. I remember everyone taking out their grills and barbecuing everything they could find to eat. We had to take cold baths and read by candlelight, our clothes sticking to our bodies due to the extreme heat of the summer.

It was wild living in Liberty City. They called our neighborhood Gun Shot City, my street was ran by the John Doe boys who shouted, “John Doe, John Doe, weed, base and blow. Walk by, drive by you don’t get high!” to cars passing by.

In elementary school we knew something was wrong when we saw our Mama walking down the street to walk us home. She would greet us and then have us take a different route home due to an ongoing gun fight between the boys on the block. When we first moved in that neighborhood I remember us spending many nights sleeping on the floor. We had a first floor apartment which made us vulnerable to the stray bullets that peppered the night sky.

For some reason I never got caught up in the drama. The street life never appealed to me. I was too busy visiting the library checking out as many books as I could so I could dissappear into my room with a glass of kool-aid and some cookies and read until my mind couldn’t store anymore images of young girls whose problems were as devastating as the cute boy at school who didn’t notice them.

By reading so many books, I created a reality for myself. I began to think that the characters in these books were my role models and that life consisted of being the most popular girl in school and going away to college to become something great.

Those books by Judy Blume, Beverly Cleary and Betsy Haynes shaped the person that I am today. I learned from them what kind of person people liked to be around. What made some girls popular and what made others hated and I likened myself to the popular nice girls.

Although we lived in low income housing I always thought I was well-off. I never had to ask for anything twice. I always had new outfits for every occassion and my hair was always done. Even though they didnt know it, my parents were teaching me that if I was obedient and worked hard I could have anything that I wanted.

I was never extravagant. I didn’t own a name brand purse until recently but I had the best in my eyes. I always did what my parents told me to do because I knew that if I did, they wouldn’t say no to me. I began to dream far beyond my neighborhood limits, applying my reality to the entire world. I believed that if there was anything in this world that i wanted I could have it if I tried. I believed I was going to have the best because no one was any better than me.

If Oprah could be a star and have a talk show, so could I. If Maya Angelou could inspire millions with her writing so could I. What seperates the successful people from the people who sit back and dream is the ability to go out and do something about their dreams.

I may not be a baller right now but I have made up my mind that I will be ballin one day. I may not be getting paid millions to speak, but one day I will fill entire stadiums filled with people who need an encouraging word.

How can I dream so big? Why not? Any other successful person is just the same as me, they had to start somewhere.

The only question is how will my story unfold?

Pretty revealing day all around.

I guess I was pissed about fatherhood again today. Show me an all around wonderful father and I’ll give you a dollar. My baby daddy really tried me yesterday. I have the feeling he had “company” when I called him because he knows he dont talk to me like that on a regular basis, he sound like he was showing off.

But whatever. I can take it, at least he’s not as bad as he used to be. Or maybe I just dont care as much.

Just being here and talking to the people here in Miami is discouraging. Most everyone feels hopeless and wants to leave. Everyone points the finger at every other race as the cause of their problems and the funny thing is, there are no white people in Miami.

So we got this intense racial discord between the blacks and the Hispanics. Blacks consider the Hispanics to be crackers now.

“Them Cubans taking over everything!” all the blacks are screaming.

Man oh man. I came to Miami full of hope and excitement and a vision to uplift people. But who would want to listen to me? This city really needs it. No, what they really need is Jesus. Im going into intense prayer for the entire city of Miami. They are hurting and they dont even know why. They have a void that only God can fill.

God, more than money, I want to see these people be fulfilled in you. I want to be ompletely fulfilled in you. Move in this city like a might hurricane. I won’t give up in despair. You sent me here for a purpose. No matter what today looks like, Im going to focus on what you will have for me to do. Send me to that church home where you will have me to grow. Send me those relationships that you have ordained to help me serve the people. Use me Lord. Let me tell the world about you. I’m scared Lord, its a big task.

But nothing is bigger than you.