Today was a beautiful day in the MIA.

The sun was shining and it wasn’t too hot to go outside so this morning I packed up my sons and went to the beach. I wasn’t worried about them trying to get in the water, they are very cautious and it was a good thing because the rip tides are pulling people under left and right down here. We just ran along the shore and played in the sand while the water kissed out toes.

By the time we got home they were both good and tired so I gave them lunch and messed around and gave them some icecream. I shouldn’t have done that. I had planned to go to a beach party with my friend Andy but my mama told me I couldnt go anywhere until the boys were down for their nap and all that sugar I gave them had them buzzed. Lesson learned: No more icecream before a nap.

After their nap we went to visit my friend Marsha and had a good time. It was just beautiful to sit and watch the boys play while I chilled out and chatted with my homegirl. Dang, it’s the little things that make life happy.

Just as we were about to leave Marsha’s mom comes out and says, “Now don’t you go having sex with anyone down here in Miami, they all have AIDS.”

Dang, what a way to say goodbye. It’s not like I plan to have sex but I haven’t taken an HIV test in a while and I always worry about that. I’m not promiscous anymore but there are always those haunting memories of those times when I should have been more careful.

But what can I do now but wait and see. I’m a worrier. I worry a lot about my past mistakes and those risky behaviors cause me to lose sleep at night. Damn, I wish I wasn’t such a hoe back in the day.

Even since I’ve been in Christ I havent been sleeping around. But the funny thing is, when I have had sex in the past since coming to Christ I feel a lot worse because it is always a one night stand. It’s not like I’m fighting sexual temptation on a daily basis because I dont have a man or a “friend with benefits” but those times I just wanted some affection led to me having sex and I never speak to the guy again because I dont want to have an opportunity to mess up again. So it becomes a one night stand.

I lost a good friend over sex. I refuse to be friends again knowing that we already crossed that line because I dont want to make the same mistake.

But since I have been down here everyone is talking about AIDS and its scaring the mess out of me. I have seen several people that I know who have it and the rumors are that there are so many more that you dont even know about.

I dont have a desire for a new man or anything but that doesnt erase my past mistakes.

As soon as things are settled with my job and the boys school and my car I’m going to take another test. Maybe God will grant me a clean slate. If not, it’ll only be my own fault. Even though God forgives we still have to face the consequences of our actions.

I’m scared, but I have to know, because not knowing hurts just as much.

Get tested for your peace of mind.