Am I the only one fucking up?

In the meantime… I have to suffer and go over and over in my mind about what I am not doing right. Every last one of my friends sit and listen to me and I plan and I tell them when I’m trying and what I’m doing and no one thinks I’m slacking. Hell.. I’m not. I feel like there’s a giant weight on my chest. Maybe I have to burp. I don’t know. It hurts, nonetheless.

Tell me the secret. Tell me the answer. Show me the guidelines to follow and I will. I just can’t figure this shit out. Everytime I am confronted with an opportunity I take it and try to run with it and that ball just..blows up. I beg for correction because I have such a heart to improve because I know if I was just given the chance to learn, I’d soak it ALL up. I am such a sponge. I just can’t figure this out.

I feel like a dandelion floating in the wind, hoping to take root and reproduce.

This is some fuck shit.

Maybe I have to learn to operate outside of my gift. Maybe I have to learn that lesson. But I do try. I try very hard at whatever job I have and it still doesn’t work out. But I’ve had some cool opportunities.

Imagine all of the places that I have worked. All the times I’ve failed. I know I may present this image of being all super confident and beautiful and charming. That’s a front. You know I’m nothing like that. That’s a show. Makeup to hide the insecurities. Charm to hide the fear.

I am in this city alone and I am fucking up. I have yet to get anything published. I have yet to even secure anything that would help me on my goal. I am fucking up royally. I am very disappointed with myself. My desires are split between affection and success. I keep fucking up.

And I dont know what the fuck to do about it. I want somebody to hold me. I want somebody nice. I don’t know who to trust. I don’t know who to associate myself with. I can have the purest heart of all, and with my candor and openness, people won’t know how to take me. It’s like… I’m a handful because I just speak from my soul. I’m never mean or anything, well, maybe I can be… I’m just direct.

If I see a dude I like Id go up to him and say, “Hi, you look nice. I like your vibe. I wanted to see what’s up with you?”

People call that aggressive. It rarely happens but if I feel a man deserves it I will. People can’t take me for who I am. I don’t know how to fit in or if I will ever fit into this Houston culture. I dont even know how to break in.

You have no idea how afraid I am that I am going to pick the wrong crowd or mess with the wrong dude. So far no one has really, REALLY tried to holla. I’ve called a couple of guys but it was because they said they had contacts for me. But when I called they were like, “What are you doing this weekend?” That pissed me off.

God, I’m sorry if I’m doing wrong. I just don’t know what else to do. I’m just a little girl lost. You hear me God? I’m tired of fucking up. I just want to find my place. Where is it? Where will I be successful? I’m taking risks. I’m trying to learn and be better. I be fuckin up….

Cuz I’m human….

It hurts to be human….

My heart hurts so much. So much.