Giirrrrrlllllllllll….
LOL! You know how those JUICY conversations start out with that greeting, “Giirrrrrlllllllll!”
That’s about how I feel right now.
Last night was so crazy. I felt like I was giving birth. I was so hurt and so angry and so tired of all the men coming at me. I secretly wished I was ugly. I TAKE THAT BACK UNIVERSE! No need to handle that request. ~smile~
But yeah…I was pathetic last nite. DEEP would probably say I’m being manic and maybe I was but I could not get this feeling of hatred and pain from inside of me. I kept asking myself, “Why the hell do I keep meeting dudes who are abusive to me? Why am I so weak or so disgusting that every guy feels that he has to control me?”
I’ll be honest…my last fling turned out to be abusive as well. He even hit me one time before we parted ways. I don’t know what I did to make him so angry with me. I kept being me. I kept working, kept being positive and kept being good to him and it seemed like it made him even more angry. One day I wouldn’t give him money and he hit me- straight up. That was the last day I ever saw or spoke to him. At first I didnt cry I just moved on with my life but last nite, it really got to me.
DEEP never hit me, but his words are so aggressive. He will say that decisions that I make are DUMB and that I need to GROW UP and I never talk to him like that even though he refuses to work and always expects women to take care of him. He’s spoiled but thats our fault, we (women) tend to cater to him for some reason. But I know it’s not going to stay that way forever, at least not with me it ain’t. I’m over it. He no longer has any influence in my life.
So I was crying because I try to give love in the same way I wish to receive it but I keep stepping backwards dealing with men who do not recognize my value and I think..intentionally try to stop my shine if it doesn’t benefit them. All I kept thinking was, “Why do men hate me so much? Why do they scream at me and get mad at me when I try to be nice to them? Was is it about ME?!!!” And it angered me and I dove into that pity and self hate for a few hours before drifting off to sleep around 7am.
While I slept I had a nightmare that I was holding some rocks and they came to life in my hand. I threw them in the air and the entire sky filled with rocks and started falling on me. I felt my spirit start to slip away and I cried out, “I just want to see my kids!” I woke up sweating even though the air conditioner was on.
I checked my phone to see what time it was and there was a picture message from someone. When I opened the pic, it was a pic of a MAN staring at me smiling. Some dude I didn’t know. I thought it was a freakin CURSE! I cant even go to sleep without some man lookin in my face!
I called the number- no answer. I texted whoever it was that they need to leave me the fuck alone and I started crying. The night before I had deleted all the men from my facebook because some asshole keeps sending me sexual messages through the honesty box. For real…I aint that cute. I feel like men see me as a piece of cake. I don’t like that. I’m more than that. And they won’t leave me alone on facebook. They never had the guts to holla at me in highschool or college and now they think its a free for all. hate that…
So I feel attacked everytime I get on facebook AND when I go out the door… Its a never ending cycle of men in my face who I believe desperately want to hurt me. Maybe its just my perception…. or maybe its the truth. Regardless if I believe it then it is MY TRUTH. Our perception defines our truths.
So after the crazy night and the crazy nitemare, I decided to change my phone number. No more “PARTY TONITE AT NOCTURNAL!” or “HIT UP MY MYSPACE TO LISTEN TO MY MUSIC!” I am so relieved. Every dude in Miami wants to be a rapper. It’s like they have no other goals. I’m so over that mentality…
And then…as tired and unhappy as I was… I went to Florida Memorial College, a Black University here in Miami and I counted to three before I walked inside the classroom…
(cont.)