Everyone who reads my blog should know by now that…I am completely and utterly afraid of love. After watching the movie, ‘I’m Through With White Girls’ it became plain that I am the one who sabotages every relationship that I have with men. I do this because I do not believe that I deserve to be loved. I blamed my parents for not loving me the way I thought they should and specifically my Stepfather for telling me that I was worthless and no man would ever want me for anything but secks.
Since I grew up with that mentality being ingrained in me, I only use men for secks and I have never been loved by a man in a healthy way.
I realize now that it has been MY OWN FAULT. My expectations lead my reality. No outside influence should ever tell me what to expect and even if they do, I don’t have to believe them.
Last week an old friend posted the name of a song she loves on twitter and when I looked it up on youtube I became so angry that I spread my negative vibes everywhere I could. It wasn’t intentional, I was just hurting so badly and I didn’t know what to do with that negative energy.
Today I promised myself that I will face my fear of being loved by doing something that I rarely do- I will try to listen to one love song everyday. The mere thought of it made my head ache.
But I did it.
I googled TRUE LOVE SONGS and came across this one…
When it began playing My chest tightened. I sang along and paid close attention the lyrics. I couldn’t imagine any man feeling that way about me..but it was quite lovely to think of my friends being loved.
I don’t know if I can do this everyday because it reminds me of the disgusting love my Stepfather showed and the lack of love in my own experience but i will try. And maybe…one day, I will be able to listen to a love song without changing the station or the channel. And maybe someone will start making REAL love songs again. I don’t think there are any out there anymore.
I cried a little while listening but I made it all the way through. Ugh…My back hurts from the tightness. Ima take a shower and try to relax. And I will get through this experiment.