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The True Love Experiment- Day 1- Betcha By Golly Wow

Everyone who reads my blog should know by now that…I am completely and utterly afraid of love. After watching the movie, ‘I’m Through With White Girls’ it became plain that I am the one who sabotages every relationship that I have with men. I do this because I do not believe that I deserve to be loved. I blamed my parents for not loving me the way I thought they should and specifically my Stepfather for telling me that I was worthless and no man would ever want me for anything but secks.

Since I grew up with that mentality being ingrained in me, I only use men for secks and I have never been loved by a man in a healthy way.
I realize now that it has been MY OWN FAULT. My expectations lead my reality. No outside influence should ever tell me what to expect and even if they do, I don’t have to believe them.
Last week an old friend posted the name of a song she loves on twitter and when I looked it up on youtube I became so angry that I spread my negative vibes everywhere I could. It wasn’t intentional, I was just hurting so badly and I didn’t know what to do with that negative energy.
Today I promised myself that I will face my fear of being loved by doing something that I rarely do- I will try to listen to one love song everyday. The mere thought of it made my head ache.
But I did it.
I googled TRUE LOVE SONGS and came across this one…
When it began playing My chest tightened. I sang along and paid close attention the lyrics. I couldn’t imagine any man feeling that way about me..but it was quite lovely to think of my friends being loved.
I don’t know if I can do this everyday because it reminds me of the disgusting love my Stepfather showed and the lack of love in my own experience but i will try. And maybe…one day, I will be able to listen to a love song without changing the station or the channel. And maybe someone will start making REAL love songs again. I don’t think there are any out there anymore.
I cried a little while listening but I made it all the way through. Ugh…My back hurts from the tightness. Ima take a shower and try to relax. And I will get through this experiment.
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Born To Serve Through Love

I just had an epiphany…

They’re coming to me quickly these days. As I set out to do my True Love Experiment, you know, the experiment where I forced myself to listen to a love song each night to face my fear of love I didn’t have to wait the full 30 days…
See, before I used to get upset when I heard a love song. I didn’t believe that shit was real or maybe I just felt like I couldn’t celebrate in some bullshit that was never and never could be true for me. But I did it, I forced myself to listen to a love song each night and…by day 4 my friend Tonya suggested I listen to India.Arie’s He Heals Me.

After listening to this song over and over again everyday and every chance I have….I know that I’ll be okay. I hung out with my co workers last night and they were playing sappy love songs and I didn’t get mad. Not at all.

My favorite lyrics from this song are:
And even when I’m wrong
He is still kind
He chooses his words wisely
When he tells me I’m not right
And yes, he’s a beautiful man
But he’s also a beautiful friend

If only I could actually meet a man who treats me like this….
DEEP was so close and I miss him so much but the only thing that kept him from being damn near perfect was the fact that he spoke to me too aggressively. And when I tried to tell him I didn’t like that…he didn’t care, he would still do it anyway. I can’t have that in my life. I still miss him though. Every single night I do.
It’s crazy that the only “man” I have in my life now is Kanye. Yep, he hasn’t disappointed me yet. But then when I sit back and I try to figure out why I love him so much….the truth is…I want to help him heal.
Yeah, when I first noticed him, it was his outspoken nature and transparency that got me. He reminded me so much of me. His creativity and brazen lifestyle is so sexy to me. And even though when I think of him I never think of sex I still feel like I love him in the same way I love my friends…because he is who he is.
But lately I find myself fantasizing about meeting him and working with him through any issues that he may have. Crazy huh? Who says he needs my help? He could be just fine but I know that my daydreams include me helping him to heal any wounds that he may have and to guide him toward a magnificent career as a world changer and thought leader. Yeah, I know. I’m weird. Who even says he wants to be all that?
This reminds me of my first love, Bernard. I’ll never forget the first time I saw him. I walked into the bandroom my sophomore year of highschool and there he was. I looked at him and something tugged at my heart. He didn’t notice me at all. He was slim, dark skinned and nerdy looking with glasses and a jansport bookbag. Just perfect for me!
I saw him again a short while later and for some reason I felt like he was sad. I made up my mind to help him smile. That is why I started liking him, I felt like I could make him smile. I wanted to help.
And with my BBDD, I knew he had never been loved by a woman before. He didn’t show any hurt overtly but deep inside I knew he was jaded by that. One day I decided that I would be the first one to show him true love without conditions. And I did that. He didn’t value it.
And the last guy I messed with this summer, he had never been a part of a healthy relationship either. Mainly because of the way he views himself. But I felt like I could be a friend to him and love him like I love my friends…he didn’t appreciate it either.
I’m starting to notice a pattern here. Why am I always reaching out to men who have never been truly loved? Why do I want to be that healing agent for them?
Maybe it’s because…I’m seeking the same thing for myself.